Not sure what to do...

Hi Everyone,

I'm just looking for some advice on what to do with my current situation.

I've been dating my current girlfriend for almost 2 years. In the beginning, everything was great. We we're very happy together and nothing seemed like it could ever go wrong. She seemed like she was definitely the one for me. About a 6 months into the relationship I saw someone who was the not the same person I was dating. She started to pressure me into moving in together and getting married fairly quickly. She knew that I wasn't ready to do that because A. It was kind of a new relationship at the point and B. I did not have a full-time job yet so I didn't think that was a smart idea to do but yet she didn't really care what I thought. (She likes things to go her way)

Her sister got married about a year ago and she is much younger than my girlfriend. (Her sister is 23 and she is 26). At her sister's wedding we had a great time and really enjoyed ourselves (or so I thought) until the next day she starts crying and talking about how lucky her sister is and how she wishes she had that. I asked her if she was happy for her sister and she said yes but she really wished she had what she had now. From that moment on I could see she was jealous of her sister and being a jealous person I know is definitely not a good quality to have.

As time went on in the relationship I saw her becoming jealous of other things (even my mom, weird I know but she is). I would barely make plans with any of my friends because she would make comments like "Oh. well I thought this day was our day to hang out" She has still said that recently too. She also doesn't understand that a person needs alone time to themselves. Unless I establish boundaries with her sometimes she doesn't understand why I would need alone time. She thinks it's because I simply don't want to see her. I explained it has nothing to do with that, sometimes everyone just needs to relax and be on their own. I'm sure anyone can relate with me if you have a stressful day at work and are tired, sometimes you just want to go lay down or rest and not hang out with someone. So that's another thing she does. Not very good at giving me space (I have spoken to her about it and she said she would change but it still hasn't really happened)

She is an extremely insecure person and really has no confidence in herself at all which I'm not sure where it started from. Even a year into the relationship she had a fear that I would leave her in the relationship when I assured her I had no intention of doing that. She also needs to hear certain things from me or she thinks something is wrong. Like she'll ask her to say something sweet to her, even though I do that all the time anyway. She needs constant reassurance. She got somewhat better with that topic but it's just recently returned. She is insecure about her weight too even though she really isn't a bad looking person at all. I tell her that all the time and I truly mean it. I don't care about her looks as much as I care about the person she is inside, but I'm seeing that person I used to know fade and become someone I don't even know.

We also have been arguing a lot recently which is a very bad sign too. She can get very mean at times. It brings out a side in me that I didn't think I had. We get upset and yell at each other and I never thought we would ever do that. She gets very defensive and can't take responsibility for what she says or her actions, just very quick to turn around and blame me things.

I just got a new job recently and she said she was happy for me but then immediately starts asking me if I told people at the job that I have a girlfriend and are there any pretty girls there who would try to flirt with me because "she doesn't want anyone stealing me away". Those are her words. It's just so ridiculous how she thinks about this when I have done nothing or given her no reason to think any of this stuff.

Last night, we got into a really bad argument on the phone because I was hanging out with one of my close friends who I barely ever see. Either him or any of my friends because of her and she was asking me how my night was and what we did and when I told her we we're just hanging out and got a bite to eat, it was like she didn't believe me and said "Are you hiding something or did you do something you weren't supposed to?" This was after hanging out with my friend who I barely see ever. I knew exactly what she meant and I called her out on it saying how can you possibly accuse me of cheating? I have given her no reason ever to believe I would be unfaithful to her. I never have and never will. So then we got into a long argument on the phone and I almost had to hang up the phone because I couldn't really handle too much of it anymore but I said to her "I really think that if we keep arguing and having disagreements and you are going to be accusing me of things that I did not do then we should honestly just break up because I don't think this is a healthy relationship at all."

She starts saying how all she wants is to make this relationship work and never argue but yet it seems recently that's all we do. (Don't get me wrong we have good moments too just doesn't seem like as many anymore)

Some of her good qualities just as a side note (seeing how I listed a lot of not-so-good ones) are that she is extremely generous with money. If we go out to dinner she wants to pay for it equally (like take turns) or she wants to pay for it all the time (Which of course I would never let her do) but I like the fact that she doesn't expect me to pay for things 100% of the time which I think is more rare now to find a woman who is like that in my own personal experiences (definitely not saying all women are like that by any means). She also likes to get me gifts sometimes that are quite expensive and I really don't want her to do that because I don't feel comfortable accepting it but then if I don't accept it she cries and says that it makes her feel like I don't want her. So I end up taking it but then if I get her gifts she never wants to accept it from me even though I like push her to take it because I simply don't feel right about it.

I know this has been a super long thread and I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it, I'm just trying to figure out what to do at this point because a part of me really wants to try to keep this relationship and the other part of me says I know that it won't get any better, it won't change, this is who she is and it would probably be best to end it now before things get worse.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated during this tough time for me.

Thank you for reading!

Yeah, sorry to tell you she's exhibiting crazy girlfriend syndrome. This is where a girl tries to control and manipulate her boyfriend so that she will be the only interest in his life. All of the classic symptoms are there, such as the expensive gifts and particularly the arguments accusing your of cheating, all in an attempt to separate you from your friends and your family, isolating you (or at least attempting to). It's a form of emotional abuse. The end result is that you will either leave her because you can't put up with it anymore, or you will just give in and say "Yes, honey. "Yes, honey. Yes, honey" to avoid arguments.

If you Google "emotional abuse" or "how to deal with emotional abuse" you will see what I'm talking about and get some suggestions on what to do. It sounds like it's escalating to me which is probably why you're writing here. If you don't want to break up, the only way to deal with it is to step back and act like a therapist would by asking her questions to make her think. Such as if she accuses you of cheating, you ask her why would she think that? Did I ever give her cause to think that? And so on. You have to make her analyze every crazy thing she says to you. It's very difficult to do. But you can always play the trump card by suggesting that if she keeps accusing you of (fill in the blank) then she's forcing you to break up with her. That might scare her a bit and put things on a more even keel. But just be careful. If she pulls the crying tactic on you don't fall for it and tell her you'll talk with her when she's composed herself. But it's going to be a tough battle and the rest is up to you if you can deal with it.

So I'm going through almost the exact situation. I bet you get to point where u really believe your doing things wrong. Your not. Live your life . I live with my gf and I love her and her kids. For awhile u felt like I was doing something wrong but finally I rebelled. Any time she started I packed up and left. She starts on the phone I hang up. Girls like that won't respond to niceness. They will take advantage. In my case she was so hurt in the past her self confidence is shot, so she tries to control everything. Sound familiar? She not a bad person, just seriously damaged. The rebelling works for me. But to do it you need to be prepared she doesn't respond to it and you may end up broken up. In my case I was and am perfectly ok with it. I won't take it anymore. She's actually trusting me more and it's better. I hope it stays this way but who knows. Your in for a long road and make sure you really love her enough to take that road. Good luck

This manipulative, possessive and high maintenance behavior will get worse not better. If you acquiesce to this or that it will just keep morphing from one thing to the next. It sounds like an unhappy life. She need a therapist not a relationship.

She was seeing a therapist for awhile and we even went to see her therapist together which turned out to be a total disaster because I didn't care for anything that therapist said. She was basically trying to call both of us out instead of fixing what was happening with the relationship. Then, she always says she going to go back to a therapist but then never does. She's got good qualities but also a lot of bad qualities too. Scary qualities actually.