Disclosing personal information in dating

So... I broke up with my ex boyfriend late last year. And started talking to someone new basically immediately

I have ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and recently diagnosed ADHD

Now I have been seeing this new person for about 6 weeks. He told me on the second date he wants to pursue a serious relationship with me...Things have gone smoothly since then. We have disclosed a lot of personal information, and he knows I have ADHD. As yet I haven't felt comfortable formally disclosing my ASD diagnosis

I have been diagnosed by two different specialists but I'm so high functioning that it's not obvious to most people.

I feel anxious in his presence occasionally because I am hiding a big part of who I am. I am unemployed because of my ASD (although I get income support so I am not broke)

It's something he deserves to know. And sooner or later it will come out because my financial situation will raise questions. But I am worried that I am not up to the task of dissolving stigmas/stereotypes and communicating appropriately how the condition affects me

But my question here is a bit more general. Not just for ASD, but for any disability or condition, especially one which has a good deal of stigma attached to it... When is the right time to disclose when you're dating someone new? Does the person you're dating have an absolute right to know before they get in too deep, or is their right to know conditional on them meeting certain milestones (and your comfort level)?

It will come out when the time is right, as you mention.

sooner or later it will come out because my financial situation will raise questions.

Disclose it when you feel ready and comfortable. If he doesn't notice it, probably you have a very light form of ASD.

Judged by your posts here you seem as functional as any other person. Why can't you get a job?

Disclose it when you feel ready and comfortable. If he doesn't notice it, probably you have a very light form of ASD.

 

Judged by your posts here you seem as functional as any other person. Why can't you get a job?

I can easily get a job, or at least I used to be able to, since I'm high functioning enough that I appear charismatic on the surface.

These days I have quite serious anxiety about work as I was bullied severely and manipulated at work (multiple jobs) and am somewhat traumatised by that. It's taken me a long time to work through a bunch of issues that I had just to get my mental health right. My main problem is holding down a job - I burn out from too much stimulation and have to take frequent sick days. I also get eaten alive with anything involving workplace politics

I have the luxury of not working while I study, so I'm trying to get myself into a career that has a bit more autonomy and flexibility. I am high functioning but longer term or more complex social situations are difficult for me

I can easily get a job, or at least I used to be able to, since I'm high functioning enough that I appear charismatic on the surface.

 

These days I have quite serious anxiety about work as I was bullied severely and manipulated at work (multiple jobs) and am somewhat traumatised by that. It's taken me a long time to work through a bunch of issues that I had just to get my mental health right. My main problem is holding down a job - I burn out from too much stimulation and have to take frequent sick days. I also get eaten alive with anything involving workplace politics

 

I have the luxury of not working while I study, so I'm trying to get myself into a career that has a bit more autonomy and flexibility. I am high functioning but longer term or more complex social situations are difficult for me

So what's the problem? You are trying to find a career that suits you. I assume he will understand. If you are highly functional which you seem you are, personally I wouldn't consider it as a big deal.

Reveal it when you feel comfortable, no need to rush. That's my take.

So what's the problem? You are trying to find a career that suits you. I assume he will understand. If you are highly functional which you seem you are, personally I wouldn't consider it as a big deal.

Reveal it when you feel comfortable, no need to rush. That's my take.

But would you consider it a big deal if you were dating someone 6 months before they told you?

Maybe you are open-minded, but I don't think everyone is. He and I spoke about autism (I have dropped a few hints and I think he picked up on it) - he thought autistic people don't have empathy, and said he knew someone whose father was autistic and was cold towards her

But would you consider it a big deal if you were dating someone 6 months before they told you?

Maybe you are open-minded, but I don't think everyone is. He and I spoke about autism (I have dropped a few hints and I think he picked up on it) - he thought autistic people don't have empathy, and said he knew someone whose father was autistic and was cold towards her

Well, I do not know a lot about autism. My only concern about it (or any other health related problems) would be if I was considering kids with her. But during the dating period and the early stages, I wouldn't consider it as a big deal. If it was very noticeable, yeah, I would have second thoughts. You seem like any other person, it's not like you are a serial killer....That's just me though.

Are empathy and autism correlated or he drew that conclusion from one case?

People on the spectrum are going to have multiple traits. Difficulty in social empathy is one of them but it doesn't affect everyone identified.

It's all about how you carry yourself that matters. Job searches are a challenge (I know because I do part time job coaching for individuals with ASD), but it's not impossible to find work either. If you are in counseling and are constantly working on finding what roles match best for you, then there isn't any shame.

No, you can't make people understand your situation, but there are those who can relate or know what you are gothink bf through. Don't let it stop you from dating.

Well, I do not know a lot about autism. My only concern about it (or any other health related problems) would be if I was considering kids with her. But during the dating period and the early stages, I wouldn't consider it as a big deal. If it was very noticeable, yeah, I would have second thoughts. You seem like any other person, it's not like you are a serial killer....That's just me though.

 

Is empathy and autism correlated or he drew that conclusion from one case?

There is some research that perpetuates this theory that autistic people lack empathy, based off the fact that some people with autism can't read body language and facial cues. Plenty of HFA (high functioning autistics) like myself can both read the face/body (though we may sometimes misinterpret things) and can be highly empathetic

I didn't explain it in this much depth to the guy, but that is one of the stereotypes/stigmas. Another is being scientifically-minded (which he and I both are, but I am more so). There are others - like rocking back and forth when upset, tantrums, lack of eye contact, hand flapping, awkward ways of walking/talking/holding themselves, not being able to make friends, sometimes being nonverbal. These mostly only apply to lower functioning forms

For HFA: Social difficulties, sensory sensitivity, fixated interests. I could go on for hours but that's it in a nutshell

He's told me he wants kids (though happy to wait). No firm evidence it's genetic, more likely a result of other developmental factors, but it's possible. I feel like he's after a serious relationship. It's tough then because I feel he deserves to know if this would be a dealbreaker. But then he would see me differently and it might hinder his ability to get to know me for everything I am other than autistic

People on the spectrum are going to have multiple traits. Difficulty in social empathy is one of them but it doesn't affect everyone identified.

 

It's all about how you carry yourself that matters. Job searches are a challenge (I know because I do part time job coaching for individuals with ASD), but it's not impossible to find work either. If you are in counseling and are constantly working on finding what roles match best for you, then there isn't any shame.

 

No, you can't make people understand your situation, but there are those who can relate or know what you are gothink bf through. Don't let it stop you from dating.

Yeah, I don't have those kinds of social difficulties. I can go to a party or event and charm the pants off people and have been told multiple times that I'm a charismatic individual (when I'm not experiencing social anxiety, anyhow). So my ASD is really not apparent until you look at how I manage things over time. After an hour or so, loud environments get too much for me and I start to shut down. After a few months in a job, I start experiencing issues managing interpersonal relationships

Disclosing my ASD is hard because it isn't going to make a lot of sense to a new person. But it will come out over time... better to be upfront or better to wait until it's relevant?

I like what you said and will remind myself: I can't make people understand my situation

Just hope for the best

If he is under a lot of misconceptions teach him. My son has ASD as well. He is very empathetic you won’t find a sweeter person . He may ask you very seldom how you are but he cares very deeply how you are . So it is more in how the empathy is expressed not in the fact that it is not there . My son it’s not cold at all he’s very passionate ,about what he cares about . However with most people he’s extremely unanimated and robotic so he’s easily identified by other people .

I think teaching and explaining is very important .

My son too most likely won’t work and does have a disability pension . People burn him out very quickly and the anxiety would be too excessive .

Yeah, I don't have those kinds of social difficulties. I can go to a party or event and charm the pants off people and have been told multiple times that I'm a charismatic individual (when I'm not experiencing social anxiety, anyhow). So my ASD is really not apparent until you look at how I manage things over time. After an hour or so, loud environments get too much for me and I start to shut down. After a few months in a job, I start experiencing issues managing interpersonal relationships

 

Disclosing my ASD is hard because it isn't going to make a lot of sense to a new person. But it will come out over time... better to be upfront or better to wait until it's relevant?

 

I like what you said and will remind myself: I can't make people understand my situation

 

Just hope for the best

This is what I fear for my son one day when he is ready to date. He is 20 but not interested in finding a girlfriend yet.

You have been dating six weeks. I would think that you when you are serious, it should be shared.

My boyfriend has ASD with far more obvious symptoms than you (and he has always worked full-time, albeit in jobs where he's mostly left to his own devices). He also has tics and a degree of OCD. He hid his symptoms from me as best he could, but I soon started picking up on the odd behaviour and now have to deal with a lot of issues I hadn't expected. I would have preferred to know before I got emotionally invested in the relationship, so that at least I could understand what was going on. Having said that, if your symptoms are so slight and you generally function perfectly well I'm not sure why you'd need to disclose at all.

I have schizoid Affective but I'm so high functioning and well balanced on medication you wouldn't know it if you talked to me. So I understand not wanting the stigma to affect things. I tell the person right away instead of later. I do this to make sure they know what they are getting into and can accept me for it.

If you keep hiding this he may find it dishonest you never told him before. If he likes you he will embrace all of you. If he walks away from you because of it, it's his loss.

I think "Deciding to be serious on the second date" is more concerning to me than what else is going on --

Of course the fact that you haven't been able to hold down a job lately is also concerning (are you in any form of care with a counselor that understands ASD that can talk to you about coping mechanisms, self care - learning not how to get overstimulated, etc.)

Yeah, I don't have those kinds of social difficulties. I can go to a party or event and charm the pants off people and have been told multiple times that I'm a charismatic individual (when I'm not experiencing social anxiety, anyhow). So my ASD is really not apparent until you look at how I manage things over time. After an hour or so, loud environments get too much for me and I start to shut down. After a few months in a job, I start experiencing issues managing interpersonal relationships

 

Disclosing my ASD is hard because it isn't going to make a lot of sense to a new person. But it will come out over time... better to be upfront or better to wait until it's relevant?

 

I like what you said and will remind myself: I can't make people understand my situation

 

Just hope for the best

If you get to the point about talking about the future - not "with eachother" but where each of you sees things -- ie, he is dating to look for a wife, or he wants kids or you do or don't, i think you need to bring it up particularly if you don't think you are up for the challenges or raising a child because of your diagnosis, and autism does have a genetic component where it does tend to run in families (ie, an ASD person might have had an uncle or great aunt who was not diagnosed because it wasn't done back then but was "the odd one" or had characteristics. And of course there are families with multiple autistic kids)> it does present totally differently in women than men of course.

If he is under a lot of misconceptions teach him. My son has ASD as well. He is very empathetic you won’t find a sweeter person . He may ask you very seldom how you are but he cares very deeply how you are . So it is more in how the empathy is expressed not in the fact that it is not there . My son it’s not cold at all he’s very passionate ,about what he cares about . However with most people he’s extremely unanimated and robotic so he’s easily identified by other people .

 

I think teaching and explaining is very important .

 

My son too most likely won’t work and does have a disability pension . People burn him out very quickly and the anxiety would be too excessive .

Thank you. I think you are right that it is about education, but it seems such a daunting task...particularly since the more emotionally charged a topic is for me, the worse I become at communicating. I'm very self-conscious about it since I've been bullied for my "quirks". I wrote out a list of symptoms to discuss, and bookmarked some YouTube videos and the DSM diagnostic criteria on my computer, in case I have to explain it to anyone... but even that seems excessive and most NT people don't understand the need to go into such detail? I don't want to over-emphasise the difficulties associated with the disorder and make the conversation heavy. I just feel very ill-equipped on the whole

As for your son, I wouldn't lose hope that he can find gainful work. The world population is increasing at exponential rates (prediction of 8.5B in the next decade or so, up to 10B in the next 30 yrs). That will put a huge strain on resources. I've read a number of articles from the "business world" that suggest that in the future as the population increases, more and more jobs will require the ability to work remotely, since office space will be more limited (and thus expensive), and need to be reserved for specific kinds of work/workers. So technical skills and the ability to work without supervision will be an incredible asset to a company - the only reason it isn't more like this NOW is because managers don't trust their workers to work without supervision. That will likely change as the next generation comes through and realises the benefits of employing remote workers far outweigh the costs... just some thoughts. If he has interests that are transferrable into employable skills, he can probably do very well for himself

As for dating, I have no idea. But I would suggest that education is also important for a person with ASD - that's why I frequent relationship forums (and read a lot of psychology articles). There are no hard and fast dating rules, but you can learn lots of smaller rules and when they do and don't apply...it helps

My boyfriend has ASD with far more obvious symptoms than you (and he has always worked full-time, albeit in jobs where he's mostly left to his own devices). He also has tics and a degree of OCD. He hid his symptoms from me as best he could, but I soon started picking up on the odd behaviour and now have to deal with a lot of issues I hadn't expected. I would have preferred to know before I got emotionally invested in the relationship, so that at least I could understand what was going on. Having said that, if your symptoms are so slight and you generally function perfectly well I'm not sure why you'd need to disclose at all.

Yeah, I am quite open about my symptoms, but I have avoided giving it a label since labels carry stigma. I figure it's important to be honest about symptoms, because people need to know enough to judge whether you are compatible.

My symptoms are slight but it doesn't change that I am autistic. It is part of the fabric of my being. And it can create relationship issues (but has just as many benefits)

I'm curious, if he had disclosed earlier, do you think you would have been more likely to walk away because you wouldn't want to "deal with it" once things started popping up? Or would you have continued and just understood him better?

You have been dating six weeks. I would think that you when you are serious, it should be shared.

I have schizoid Affective but I'm so high functioning and well balanced on medication you wouldn't know it if you talked to me. So I understand not wanting the stigma to affect things. I tell the person right away instead of later. I do this to make sure they know what they are getting into and can accept me for it.

 

If you keep hiding this he may find it dishonest you never told him before. If he likes you he will embrace all of you. If he walks away from you because of it, it's his loss.

Completely opposite viewpoints, which is why I am struggling with this. I see it from both sides. Best to be upfront because if the relationship turns serious and they find you weren't honest to start with, it could bring a lot of issues.

But then, there isn't the obligation to disclose until it is serious.

I wish I was strong enough to disclose upfront but I have had people cut ties with me after disclosure despite having had no issues prior to that

But people who cut ties with you because of a medical condition aren't people you'd want in your life anyway.

I have a very large scar from a life saving surgery. It's about 5 inches long and dark. It's not visible unless I wear a bikini or belly shirt (neither of which I wear). My ex's friend told him in front of me that he would break up with me if it were him because he's not having a girlfriend who is "scarred". Yeah, that's put me off dating. But I would need someone who would care enough about me to overlook my scar. But how to get there?

I think "Deciding to be serious on the second date" is more concerning to me than what else is going on --

Of course the fact that you haven't been able to hold down a job lately is also concerning (are you in any form of care with a counselor that understands ASD that can talk to you about coping mechanisms, self care - learning not how to get overstimulated, etc.)

Yeah, I hesitated and he agreed we need time to get to know one another. I think he was just stating his intentions, particularly because I told him I wasn't sure about dating

Yes I am seeing a counsellor for general things (insecurities and social skills), and a psychiatrist who specialises in my disorders who is helping me with medication and a long-term treatment plan (which mostly involves finishing my education to give me a step up in the professional world, helping me blend in with expertise in certain areas)

If you get to the point about talking about the future - not "with eachother" but where each of you sees things -- ie, he is dating to look for a wife, or he wants kids or you do or don't, i think you need to bring it up particularly if you don't think you are up for the challenges or raising a child because of your diagnosis, and autism does have a genetic component where it does tend to run in families (ie, an ASD person might have had an uncle or great aunt who was not diagnosed because it wasn't done back then but was "the odd one" or had characteristics. And of course there are families with multiple autistic kids)> it does present totally differently in women than men of course.

He told me early on he wanted kids, though he was drunk at the time. The next time we were together, I talked about not being sure, and he said he doesn't mind waiting. I have worked with children for over a decade (including an autistic child) so I'm actually really good with kids. My fear is having a relationship break down and becoming a single parent. That, I am quite sure, I would not be able to handle. But that is a conversation for much later in a relationship, IMO

Thank you for your understanding. It always touches me when people know some of the finer details (like that it's different for women). There does seem to be a bit of a trait in my family on my mother's side (brother, uncle, cousins). But my family are actually really balanced, loving, successful people

I agree it's definitely a conversation that needs to be had, but I don't think 6 weeks in is the right time...maybe 6-12 mths. But also there's more to lose at that point, which makes it harder

But people who cut ties with you because of a medical condition aren't people you'd want in your life anyway.

 

I have a very large scar from a life saving surgery. It's about 5 inches long and dark. It's not visible unless I wear a bikini or belly shirt (neither of which I wear). My ex's friend told him in front of me that he would break up with me if it were him because he's not having a girlfriend who is "scarred". Yeah, that's put me off dating. But I would need someone who would care enough about me to overlook my scar. But how to get there?

Lol. Just reminded me this guy has a large scar from losing a testicle. I am sorry you had that experience though, people can be pretty damn horrible to each other

You're right, you don't want closed-minded people around. I just don't know how much more rejection I can take

Lol. Just reminded me this guy has a large scar from losing a testicle. I am sorry you had that experience though, people can be pretty damn horrible to each other

 

You're right, you don't want closed-minded people around. I just don't know how much more rejection I can take

I am sorry that has happened. :(

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn’t want a big show to reveal your diagnosis - especially if it isn’t super obvious.

I would want it presented to me over dinner, something casual, with the big discussion only if probed. “Hey hun, I’ve been meaning to tell you this but I wanted to wait till the right time. This is my diagnosis, and at a high level it means this, that, and the other.”

And then answer questions.

I may sound insensitive, but I find it offputting and annoying when people define themselves by their diagnosis. Being prepared to practically provide a medical lecture feels self centered in some ways to me. Almost attention seeking. I know that sounds bad to say, but my perception is someone who wants to discuss their diagnosis in depth comes off to me as someone who wants attention and sympathy.

Like I said, hit the high notes and discuss more if asked.

If you are in a situation where your symptoms are more prevalent, you can mention it then.