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Need some feedback please...


JayLALA

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My ex and I broke up. Dated other people. Got back together after a year, but not really serious. I wanted to be serious but the moment I tried, she exploded and said I was controlling etc. Our argument was that she was out and about pretty much being single and hanging out with a mess of bad friends and I wasn’t into it. The moment I asked if we could spend a bit more time together she considered it “controlling”. The reality was that she wasn’t ready for a relationship - she was rebounding, wanted to go clubbing and be free to do what she wanted. I was naive in thinking she wanted me back by giving me a little attention and engaging with me. We “dated” for about a month and we’re physical. But I was doing all the reaching out. Well it ended and we stopped talking. I also saw that she went back to the guy who broke up with her.

 

Well about a year goes by and she travels, supposedly single, and so I reach out to her to see if she wants to grab a drink when she’s back in town. She responds yes with a :-) and so we set it up and meet up for drinks. When we meet up she seem a little bit more mature and tells me how she’s grown over the past year. She tells me that I was right about everything. All the friends that I told her were not the greatest and a bad influence ended up being right. She said she didn’t hang out with them anymore and she was telling me how miserable everyone is living the life of clubs and bars etc. then she said that she was not materialistic anymore and that her travels had really opened up her mind.

 

Well things go OK for a few weeks we end up spending a couple nights together. She actually introduces me to her family for the first time and tells me that they all love me. We start having talks about the future and she says that she wants to possibly move in together and that we should rent a place together. She starts looking at apartments.

 

But then about a week later I try to set up a date to take her out for dinner for her birthday. She tells me that she has plans with her girlfriends and I say cool no problem go out with them and have a great time just let me know what day works for you. So for about 4-5 days she goes out and has fun with her girlfriends. Sunday rolls around and I send her a text asking what time she wants to go to dinner in the evening. She responds three hours later and says that she’s really hung over and not feeling well and asked if I can do it tomorrow night. I tell her no problem, get some rest, we can do it tomorrow night. But one of my friends tells me he sees her out with her girlfriends and some guys having dinner at a nice restaurant and drinking that night. Mind you, this is the night she said she wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go out to dinner the next day. I didn’t think much of it and said you know what maybe it was a last-minute type thing. The next day the day were supposed to go out to dinner I send her text and ask her if 8pm works in that I’ll be over to pick her up. I get a text about four hours later and she says she still sick. Of course on social media she is posting videos of her having a good time with her friend.

 

I didn’t respond to her text and about five days have gone by since that text. She hasn’t sent me a text or called me. She’s basically kind of blown me off. Her birthday was the next day and I didn’t text anything because I just felt like I was being strung along and a bit disrespected. I guess I felt like I was making an effort to take her out to a nice dinner I made plans for a nice evening and she was just blowing me off at every turn. I don’t know what to think at this point. I would like to confront her about it and talk to her but I haven’t done that because I don’t want to be that guy who just whines and keeps texting. I’ve basically just gone into no contact. But I’m wondering whether to reach out to her or not. Did I overreact? I feel like I was just being misled and she was doing the opposite of what she was telling me she was doing. And she never really engaged in any kind of follow up. It seemed like excuse after excuse. Any thoughts on this? I really thought things were kind of going well and then suddenly I get this curveball and distance from her. And on top of that she posted that she’s leaving the country for a 2 months...

 

Should I contact her? Should I reach out to her? Did I overreact? Did she play me? Did I play myself?

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Thanks for your feedback Holly. The thing that bugs me is that when she’s with me things are good. When I leave and she starts hanging out with her gfs or her roommate who’s a single girl 8 years her younger things get weird. I don’t think she’s hanging out with the right crowd. I don’t know but I think you’re right regardless.

 

Do I text her at all and just ask her to meet and talk? I kind of want to know what the hell happened. Like why the suddenly cold. I want to see if she lies to my face about not going out and being sick, etc. I don’t know I guess I want to call her out a bit. The lack of communication we had and the sudden no contact on my part after she said she’s still sick makes things kind of just without an answer.

 

Should I text her something like: Hey I have a few things on my chest that I want to talk to you in person about. When are you free?

 

I feel like I need some closure. Or do you think I just look stupid and she could just pick a date and then blow me off again. Does it make me look pathetic for wanting to know?

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Thanks, I needed that confirmation. I’m just a really nice guy and hate to leave things ty. But I guess it is what it is. I appreciate the feedback and thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

Can I ask in your opinion and experience what do you think happened? Like why do girls like this act this way?

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I get you. It’s just weird because we would share a physical relationship. She introduces me to her family. Like a week before the bday dinner thing she made me lunch at her house and was saying all this lovey-dubby type stuff to make us think that we’re going to possibly have a future together. I mean she was looking at apartments while we were laying in bed together.

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And you don’t think it’s worth meeting up with her in having any kind of talk? Just wondering if it’s even worth it. For some crazy sick reason I guess I’d rather have someone say it to my face then play a bunch of mind games and mislead me. I just want to call them out and say what the hell why don’t you just be honest and give a straight answer and be hurt that way, rather than have it left unsettled in my mind and have all these what ifs floating around.

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And you don’t think it’s worth meeting up with her in having any kind of talk? Just wondering if it’s even worth it. For some crazy sick reason I guess I’d rather have someone say it to my face then play a bunch of mind games and mislead me. I just want to call them out and say what the hell why don’t you just be honest and give a straight answer and be hurt that way, rather than have it left unsettled in my mind and have all these what ifs floating around.

 

If she was the type of person to give you the courtesy of an explanation, she would have already done that. No need to throw excuses and leave you in the lurch. So you'll need to accept that she doesn't have the ability to handle this situation with maturity and respect.

 

Not that this should be new to you. She's shown you time and time again that she doesn't care for you. She uses you for attention and company until she gets bored of you, and then she walks out of your life...maybe to come back later, maybe next time she won't. Why would you put up with someone treating you like this? Do you think she would do this to someone whose opinion she cared about, and who she wanted to impress and keep the attention of?

 

People treat you how you let them. Stop being a doormat to her. Go NC, and make her work to see you again. Don't invite her out. Be polite and responsive if she communicates with you, but you need to be assertive and let her know through your actions that she either takes you seriously or you don't want her around.

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I understand why you're hurt, OP. She was telling you one thing but doing the opposite. No wonder you feel confused and disappointed.

 

It appears as though she really hasn't matured that much after all. I don't think you stand to gain a lot by confronting her, only because she's not likely to be honest about what happened. She will probably rattle off a bunch of flimsy excuses and you won't get the closure you're seeking. That's the risk we take by having these sorts of talks with an ex - they leave us with more questions than we had to begin with.

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It’s definitely confusing with how things were intimate, and at times, going really well, and then the lack of communication and misleading actions.

 

If she contacts me what should I do? Should I respond at all?

 

It’s good to hear that I didn’t over react to her actions and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It seems like manipulative people can make you think that. I don’t she has matured either...she still wants her cake and eating it too type scenario.

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It’s definitely confusing with how things were intimate, and at times, going really well, and then the lack of communication and misleading actions.

 

If she contacts me what should I do? Should I respond at all?

 

It’s good to hear that I didn’t over react to her actions and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It seems like manipulative people can make you think that. I don’t she has matured either...she still wants her cake and eating it too type scenario.

 

I would be honest and tell her you don't appreciate being treated this way, and that it's better if you both close this chapter and move on. And then end all contact.

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If she doesn’t reach out, do you think it makes sense to send her an email with my thoughts? I feel like I need to tell her that I honestly thought she was ready to have a serious relationship and that I had looked forward to putting the past behind us and focusing on the future. (I’m 36 and she’s 33)I want to say that she played with my trust, respect, love and openess towards her. I want to tell her that she hasn’t matured and that she should take some time to figure out what she wants in life rather then jump from one thing to the next. I want to tell her that I took the time to grow but it doesn’t seem like she has even though she thinks she has.

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You’re right I will probably not get the reply I would like to get. Yes she’s 33, and the spiritual type. She is quiting her job and going to go travel for 2 months. She is not happy with her job, she is always on social media, and comparing her life with others. Her parents pay for everything. She doesn’t feel bound to anything and still wants to explore. The crappy thing is I told her let’s do it together. I said I’ll buy the tickets, I’ll take some time off, let’s go have some fun together. I even invited her to a trip I booked before we started talking.

 

Then I see she booked her own trip and didn’t even consider me or want to share the experience. I’m fine with independence and doing some things on your own but leaving and posting that after basically blowing me off when I planned a birthday dinner for her?? Basically a slap in the face.

 

Just a sign of selfishness. A sign she hasn’t figured out what she wants yet even though she says and does things that are opposite. Like talking out of both sides of her mouth.

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If she doesn’t reach out, do you think it makes sense to send her an email with my thoughts? I feel like I need to tell her that I honestly thought she was ready to have a serious relationship and that I had looked forward to putting the past behind us and focusing on the future. (I’m 36 and she’s 33)I want to say that she played with my trust, respect, love and openess towards her. I want to tell her that she hasn’t matured and that she should take some time to figure out what she wants in life rather then jump from one thing to the next. I want to tell her that I took the time to grow but it doesn’t seem like she has even though she thinks she has.

 

Don't know how many more ways can all say no! She does not care. Her actions show this. If you reach out, and she does not respond, you will feel worse. Let this go.

 

NO!

 

The woman also sounds very irresponsible for her age. In the future, don't be someone's wallet.

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I care about her a lot and I know we have a connection. I want to have a future with her but at the end of the day if she is not mentally mature and not ready I can’t force it. I do want to say my thoughts to her, but reading what every one said, the likelihood of it making me feel any relief or better or making her realize something is slim. I just need to focus on me and if things are meant to be then it will happen on its own. Whether I’ll want her back at that time we’ll just have to see I guess. The biggest part is giving up the fear of losing her to someone else.

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You should try to have a one on ☝️ conversation with her! 👋

 

Hi Jill, I actually thought I should try. I sent her a text and asked her if she wanted to meet up for a drink. 4 hours went by no response. I was going to say f it but then I kind of wanted an answer and if not why she couldn’t just respond. so I followed up with. You ok? If something’s wrong can we clear the air. Whatever the issue might be.

 

She responded with. I’m fine. Sounds good. When I asked her when she was free. She responded probably later in the week.

 

Obviously something is up. I told her Ok just let me know. I just don’t think she has the ability to have a conversation and be straight up or tell me the truth. I know she doesn’t want to talk and that’s the cue, but it’s strange to me the hot and sudden cold. I hear what everyone’s saying so just going to do my own thing.

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I care about her a lot and I know we have a connection. I want to have a future with her but at the end of the day if she is not mentally mature and not ready I can’t force it. I do want to say my thoughts to her, but reading what every one said, the likelihood of it making me feel any relief or better or making her realize something is slim. I just need to focus on me and if things are meant to be then it will happen on its own. Whether I’ll want her back at that time we’ll just have to see I guess. The biggest part is giving up the fear of losing her to someone else.

 

OP, if she felt the same way, she'd be happily dating you.

 

This isn't the behaviour of a woman who feels that strong connection anymore. I am sorry but I think you need to be honest with yourself that she's no longer interested. She keeps showing you that and you are refusing to believe it.

 

I think another poster is right when they said she likely has her eye on someone else who is now reciprocating her interest. That would indeed explain the sudden coldness, and no, she probably won't admit to it. It would make a lot of sense, though.

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