partner or employee?

My husband and I have been together for ten years (married for 1.5). I am a SAHM, and he is the breadwinner. We have an eight year old, and a three year old. We've got our problems, but a pretty nice life. He recently crushed my soul with one strange comment that I just can't seem to get over. It really changed things in my mind, and I'm not sure what to do-I can't stop replaying the stupid look on his face when he said it, and what he said...after returning home from the holidays, I worked REALLY hard to clean/organize the house and he was so happy(Our home is fairly normal, not immaculate, not too messy). He said, probably 5-6 times, how nice the house looked, then he had an epiphany. As a side note, money has been pretty tight around here for the past year or two. He said "I will SERIOUSLY reward you, if you keep the house clean, so you can teach our kids how to be clean and organized(he is a very organized person, which I appreciate)." It made me feel like we do not have a partnership, I am not an equal, the hard work I put in to be a good mother means nothing. And he took the joy out of having a clean home, because ever time I clean around our home now, I think of his stupid face, thinking he can reward me like a dog. I put my all into being a homemaker and mother, which obviously isn't enough to do something nice for me. I am so resentful, and the only thing I have to look forward to lately, is when my 3 year old goes to school next year, and I can hopefully get a part time job. I don't need to be rewarded by my husband for a job well done. I just want to be loved for the woman that I am. Honestly our other problems should bother me a lot more, but this just killed me. Maybe it was just the cherry on the cake. Any words of advice would be much appreciated, feeling pretty low. Thanks.

He made a big mistake, and you might be reading too much into it. You are absolutely right to feel what you are feeling because the comment was quite bad. On the other hand, I seriously doubt he sees you as an employee.

If you don’t talk about this in an open, non confrontational, and constructive way, it will fester and make things worst for both.

Thank you. It feels better just to have a little validation, cause this is eating me up inside. I truly appreciate the advice/response.

Maybe I just didn't see myself being so dependent on anyone. It hurts to feel little. Suppose I should put my all into the "constructive" part. It's so hard when I feel belittled, I can't figure out how to stop being angry/sad/dissappointed. You're advice is helpful. Thank you.

He needs to know this, the key for you is to explain it in a constructive way. I would say it this way:

Honey, I want to talk to you about something (find a moment without any distraction) ... I’m feeling very disappointed, sad and quite angry, I have an expectation to be treated respectfully and equally In a relationship, I have put all of myself into this relationship and the comment I got the other regarding the cleaning of the apartment did not meet my expectation for a partner and is making me question if I chose the right person. I feel super angry and I believe is fair that I share this feelings. I do not what to do with this feelings but there are there.

End.

What is missing from that way of saying it is the word YOU. Do not use that word, share what is inside yourself, your experience, do not blame him. Just share yourself.

I think he had good intentions and just put it the wrong way. I was a full-time mom for 7.5 years (we rarely stayed in one place during the day or "at home" so SAHM didn't work for me as a label!). Also what I would do is tell him that you're fine with cleaning the house but your real role/job is to take care of your children especially the toddler who is not yet in school. Tell him that you would like to hire a cleaning service once or twice a month so you can focus on taking care of and raising the kids. You of course will have them learn to clean up after themselves if that is important to him. Yes I get that money is tight but at least IMO cleaning the house is not part of being a full time mom - meaning cleaning beyond doing your part (and he does his part) and cleaning up messes during the day as they occur with young children.

I think you will feel a lot better about this whole situation next year when you start working part time. I had no idea how much I missed working in an office/at my career and returned to work part time over a year ago when my child was 7. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat more or I can respond here. I'm sorry he said what he said and that it hurt your feelings.

My husband and I have been together for ten years (married for 1.5). I am a SAHM, and he is the breadwinner. We have an eight year old, and a three year old. We've got our problems, but a pretty nice life. He recently crushed my soul with one strange comment that I just can't seem to get over. It really changed things in my mind, and I'm not sure what to do-I can't stop replaying the stupid look on his face when he said it, and what he said...after returning home from the holidays, I worked REALLY hard to clean/organize the house and he was so happy(Our home is fairly normal, not immaculate, not too messy). He said, probably 5-6 times, how nice the house looked, then he had an epiphany. As a side note, money has been pretty tight around here for the past year or two. He said "I will SERIOUSLY reward you, if you keep the house clean, so you can teach our kids how to be clean and organized(he is a very organized person, which I appreciate)." It made me feel like we do not have a partnership, I am not an equal, the hard work I put in to be a good mother means nothing. And he took the joy out of having a clean home, because ever time I clean around our home now, I think of his stupid face, thinking he can reward me like a dog. I put my all into being a homemaker and mother, which obviously isn't enough to do something nice for me. I am so resentful, and the only thing I have to look forward to lately, is when my 3 year old goes to school next year, and I can hopefully get a part time job. I don't need to be rewarded by my husband for a job well done. I just want to be loved for the woman that I am. Honestly our other problems should bother me a lot more, but this just killed me. Maybe it was just the cherry on the cake. Any words of advice would be much appreciated, feeling pretty low. Thanks.

You're upset, I understand. My first words of advice are to encourage you to alter the words you use to interpret this. Let go of words such as "crushed my soul", "stupid look", "killed me", "stupid face". Those don't help, they color the experience and make it harder to resolve.

You want to be loved, of course. His actions don't mean he doesn't love you. You worked extra hard to clean and organize the house and he was very happy about that. Very happy. That's good, right? He likes it. That was his point. He wasn't devaluing you as a person or as a partner or as a woman or a SAHM. He values a clean home, it affects his feeling of well-being. I don't know if his "reward" is specifically about money, or if he was trying to say if you'd continue he wants to do something special for you. He feels good when the house is clean, he'd do something for you to feel good. Would you rather he didn't offer anything and expected you to keep doing it?

"I put my all into being a homemaker and mother, which obviously isn't enough to do something nice for me." Well, he tried? What he thought would be nice for you isn't what you think is nice, but there might be something would you like? You said there was joy in having a clean home. Would you like him to hire someone regularly so you can spend time doing things that enrich your life? Would you like to clean the house and have him do something that he currently doesn't do? Rather than make this cause for battle, see that he's opened the door for collaboration, for trying something different.

Also, let go of the "breadwinner" label. He works outside the home, you work inside the home, so to speak. You are both winners.

Thank you. Again, I truly appreciate the input. It's really nice to get an outside opinion. I do expect to be treated respectfully and equally in this relationship, dammit. It's scary to feel like this, and just be in my head about the "did I choose the right person" question though. I'm having a really hard time not keeping a tally of all of the hurt though, just cause it seems that it will continue to happen. He controls the finances, and it pisses me off so bad sometimes. I'm just so sick of feeling like a child, in this department especially, but I guess that's what I signed up for without realizing it. Just venting now...I'm so tired of always having to ask for money, always being asked to give change back-and I'm the one who does all of the grocery shopping, paying for school stuff, etc. Kind of feel like I dug this hole...I have to lie in it? Maybe that's why the "reward" thing hurt so bad, cause money is already super awkward.

Thank you. Again, I truly appreciate the input. It's really nice to get an outside opinion. I do expect to be treated respectfully and equally in this relationship, dammit. It's scary to feel like this, and just be in my head about the "did I choose the right person" question though. I'm having a really hard time not keeping a tally of all of the hurt though, just cause it seems that it will continue to happen. He controls the finances, and it pisses me off so bad sometimes. I'm just so sick of feeling like a child, in this department especially, but I guess that's what I signed up for without realizing it. Just venting now...I'm so tired of always having to ask for money, always being asked to give change back-and I'm the one who does all of the grocery shopping, paying for school stuff, etc. Kind of feel like I dug this hole...I have to lie in it? Maybe that's why the "reward" thing hurt so bad, cause money is already super awkward.

So it sounds like you only recently married - how long has it been since you had your own money/savings, etc? I would not be comfortable with that kind of financial arrangement - your job saves the family tons of money in daycare/sitters, etc. So I would think you'd have a joint account (and maybe separate as well but certainly a joint one) . Did you bring any $ into the marriage? Would you consider maybe selling some of your stuff and keeping that as your spending $ until you can get a part time job? And I would discuss with him how your paycheck will work from that.

Thank you. Much appreciated.

I wonder if in his own awkward way he was trying to say something nice.

Comments sometimes come across the wrong way even when people have good intentions. Maybe he thought he was giving you praise.

Years ago I had someone tell me "Wow, you have almost no wrinkles!" when she found out I was 32. Yep...32. She thought 32 was really, really old and by that age I should have been covered in wrinkles and I only had a few! Gee, thanks?

Guess I'm getting more uncomfortable with it, given the climate of our relationship these days. It's been a few years since I've had any financial independence. I don't have a career to return to, so now that my 3 year old is going to be in school next year, I'm getting stressed about what to do for a paycheck. Time to do some soul searching I guess.

If you are a stay at home mother, of COURSE you are more in charge of teaching your kids how to be cleaned and organized. if you are at home, i assume your kids are small and at least one of them is not in school yet or just part time preschool. It is not unreasonable if you are with the kids all day to head that up. Afterall, when dad comes home depending on their ages its baths and dinner and bedtime if they are small. Sure, he can reinforce it, but if you are with them most of their waking hours the "partnership" is that he goes to work to make money so you have a parent at home for the children.

I am often a stubborn person, and my pride is coming into play here I guess. I have a really hard time letting go of the past, as much as I try to practice positive thinking. I've gained about 20 lbs in the past year, and I know, by his sideways looks and passive aggressive comments, that he's put off by me. Saying things like "I don't think you need to lose any weight, I'd just like it if you toned up" or offering to buy me new clothes when I do lose the weight, which I never did, so no new clothes for me. I'm just so sensitive and irritated. I think you are spot on with your comment, it's just a hard pill to swallow, when I'm feeling so dependent and down on myself.

Thank you Batya

Guess I'm getting more uncomfortable with it, given the climate of our relationship these days. It's been a few years since I've had any financial independence. I don't have a career to return to, so now that my 3 year old is going to be in school next year, I'm getting stressed about what to do for a paycheck. Time to do some soul searching I guess.

I would spend the time networking, not soul searching - talk to people you meet when you're out and about with your kids about where they work etc and see if you can go to events that are related to your former career to get your toes wet at least (that is what I did as I prepared myself to go back to work). Start researching different options so you can see which would be more kid-friendly, or allow telework, or similar. Maybe when your 3 year old returns to school you can pick up some babysitting jobs just to get some extra $ while you look into more permanent options. For example.

What do you do for exercise? Can you put the 3 year old in a jogging stroller and power walk or run?

He's out of town for work about 2/3 of the year, for extended periods. The kids and I get in our groove when he's gone. When he comes home and says things like this to me, I just feel so alone. Feeling silly and emotional. Wish I was better at making friends, cause I could sure use some right now.

good advice. Thank you.

He's out of town for work about 2/3 of the year, for extended periods. The kids and I get in our groove when he's gone. When he comes home and says things like this to me, I just feel so alone. Feeling silly and emotional. Wish I was better at making friends, cause I could sure use some right now.

Maybe you should try to make friends. There are meetups where moms meet at the play place for coffee while their kids play, etc. There are different groups like that.

Maybe he said that because the kids really don't have the inkling to pick up after themselves, even if you pick up after them and maybe he feels it will motivate you to streer them. If he is not home for 2/3 of the year and comes home to a situation where he sees you clean but the kids don't even put their blocks back in the bin - maybe he said what he said for that reason. is there a way that you could travel to visit him where he is working - even if grandparents took the kids for a few days or you traveled with the kids? just to break it up?

Thank you. I know I should reach out to other moms, it's not easy. Kinda feel like I posses the social skills of my kids age average. You're right, I can't get my 8 year old to pick up after himself, but I'm trying really hard. It drives my husband crazy. Broken mommy record doesn't seem to be working, but we'll figure it out. It's not realistic to travel, and my closest family is 8 hours away. The one time I got a babysitter, just to have a mommy break when he was gone, I sat in my car and cried cause it was too much pressure to get my monies worth.

Thank you. I know I should reach out to other moms, it's not easy. Kinda feel like I posses the social skills of my kids age average. You're right, I can't get my 8 year old to pick up after himself, but I'm trying really hard. It drives my husband crazy. Broken mommy record doesn't seem to be working, but we'll figure it out. It's not realistic to travel, and my closest family is 8 hours away. The one time I got a babysitter, just to have a mommy break when he was gone, I sat in my car and cried cause it was too much pressure to get my monies worth.

So basically this is a you issue not a husband or couple issue. Obviously it's not easy to network and reach out to people -and I meant people, not just other moms - I moved to a new city (had been in my former city 43 years) as a new mom and newlywed. I met other parents at the playground but also nannies/babysitters, etc. When I was ready to start looking to go back to working outside the home I spent a lot of time reaching out to former colleagues and bosses, and thinking outside the box as to how to approach returning after 7 years out and in my late 40s. As far as getting your 8 year old to pick up after herself (my son is 8) just start small -my son doesn't yet pick up after himself (major Mommy fail) but he helps me "skate" the floor dry after I wash it (we skate on rags).

I wasn't suggesting traveling at all and my closest family is a 2-3 hour plane ride away -I meant go to networking events and have your husband home with the kids (at night). And I would consider doing some reading, if not talking to a counselor, on building self esteem, etc.

It depends what you want -don't settle for "well I have no adult social skills and everything is too much for me" -your kids deserve a strong reasonable confident mom.

yes, this is basically a self esteem issue.

yes, this is basically a self esteem issue.

And that is probably why you reacted as you did to what your husband said. You don’t feel equal because of your own issues. I think you have to force yourself to get out of the house and start interacting more with other adults. Baby steps. Most likely if you want to work part time you’ll have to interview and make a good and confident first impression. And second impression. I also think moving your body - doing at least 20-30 minutes of vigorous cardio a day - whether you power walk or dance or jump rope or whatever - will help you feel healthier and better about your body. My 8 year old gets a lot out of seeing how I exercise daily and make it a priority. It’s a side benefit for sure. You can do this.

Not everyone will agree with this approach, but I told my kids that any toys and books that were not put away before their bath time would be given away to their cousins. They cleaned up amazingly fast after they heard that. And I started that when they were three.

Why are you hesitant to join mommy groups or play date groups? Do you think the other moms won't like you for some reason? My husband and I signed our kids up for toddler exercise classes at the local community center. We met some great parents that way.