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A world so much like myself.


henrysearch60

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Hello all,

 

Social issues have burdened me as long as I can remember so I thought i'd start a journal to vent, share, and hopefully change a lot. First, a big reason why it's hard to socialize and form relationships is because I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Basically i'm a little odd, distrustful of other people, sometimes don't understand how what I do or say will affect or could affect someone, and have anxiety socializing to the point that it can paralyze my thoughts/social actions.

 

There are quite a few people at work, people I've known from school, and friends of my family that try to interact with me from time to time. Despite this, honestly there is no one I consider a close friend. Getting involved in romantic relationships is almost impossible. I say almost, not that I've ever had one but because I can't give up. Online I've read that some therapists try to teach Schizotypals how to live life without close friends/relationships, and think I remember this to a degree when I had therapy, but I just don't accept that.

 

My goals

1. Take time every day to things I enjoy that are done for their own sake and focus only on social development.

2. Do something socially every week that could be a builder of confidence.

3. Try and learn from mistakes and lost opportunities instead of beating myself up over them.

 

I'm thinking about posting something every day or every few days. There probably won't be too much per post but it could help work through barriers, hopefully.

BTW-Male in late 20's, if you've wondered.

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Correction

Goal number 1 should read "Take time every day to do things that I enjoy that are done for their own sake and NOT only focus on social development."

 

Now a little history: Before I took initiative in trying to become more social my life was very internal with a lot of fear/hiding from the outside world. Examples include never looking anyone in the eyes, look away during a response to a question, assuming the other person is going to be negative before either of us says a word, and almost constant regret about being around people in public.

 

Since then I've grown more at ease with looking at people (not staring because I found constant eye contact to be a bad thing), become more relaxed during small exchanges of information, and carried myself with more self respect in public. I've also had problems with a vice. (nothing illegal but something that makes me more anxious and skews my perceptions of people) The past couple of years has seen improvement and led to a higher level of consciousness on my part. This isn't anything mystical. It's more awareness and comfort with myself when it comes to situations i'm unfamiliar with. Finally, i've joined a gym to get out of the house and get some experience around people doing something instead of living inside my head. Interactions with other members are few and far in between but it helps.

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After a couple of days of appointments I've noticed something. It seems as though I struggle more inside my head than with miscommunication. This may be because I don't communicate much as of yet and so once I do then the reverse could be true. Right now it takes effort not to get strung up when around others. It's still very difficult to come up with anything to say other than "yeah." Also, when others speak freely their thoughts are much quicker than mine. Whenever someone talks a lot it can make me feel overwhelmed with information while being strung up. It's like I'm more preoccupied with "that" they're speaking than "what" they are saying. Still, I feel a little less lonely now that things feel to have moved in a progressive direction.

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I wish there were more community activities in my area so I could get out more. It's a small place so there's not really much here. Whenever I'm in public if feels as if talking to a stranger is always somewhat inappropriate and offensive. In the past whenever I tried to take initiative there always seemed to be something that goes wrong or the other person is not interested at all. This is especially true when it comes to women I'm attracted to. On the rare occasions when someone says "hey" to me I instinctively repeat and veer away, later feeling hopeless and lonely. I don't know if my coldness is causing them to be cold or vice versa. At times I'm afraid to look at a particular person because it feels like they would hate our worlds to interact with one another. Sometimes I resent them and the connections of society as a whole greatly for this. Eventually, the realization comes that most people are more focused on their singular path than on other people and taking it personally is a misconception on most occasions. Onward, I march and search......in the light but not of it.

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Today, I was forced to do more interaction at work. It was good to get at least some more experience talking to someone. Despite this, I still don't see how relationships can emerge. It's like there's an eternal fog that follows me wherever I go. I'm certainly not looking for valentine's themes in the next two weeks. It only reminds me of continual nothingness.

 

On a positive note I've worked on my 3 goals stated in the introduction post. One thing new was going to a store I've never been before and asking the worker a question. Someone called at the moment and interrupted but it was something at least. The two things to do every day are reading and watching some anime. I didn't read yesterday but it was because I felt a little bogged down from reading so much the past few weeks. The habit should resume tomorrow, well today since it's past midnight.

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Things have gotten a little brighter. It must be the avoidance of my vice or something. It's as if a calm and crispness came over me this afternoon to the point that I'm not as strung up over social relations in public. I even looked and smiled at a pretty woman in the eyes and felt almost no anxiety before we crossed paths, during eye contact, or afterwards. The forced interactions at work yesterday and today may have helped too. For some reason I remembered a quote that was supposed to be from Napoleon: First engage in serious battle and then see what happens. This sums up the abstract battles that go on inside. It also shows a little insight into success that it isn't always about knowing everything beforehand. Another quote that popped up in my head was from David Rousset: Normal men don't know that everything is possible. This quote was shown to be in a book by Hannah Arendt.

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There are many times I sense something between me and another person. Most of the time they either seem ignorant or ignore it. Other times I sense a struggle inside them as if they are expecting something from me but they are scared. On occasion a person looks away quickly as soon as I look their way. Keep in mind I know none of these people at all. Anything they know about me must come from secondary sources. I don't know how to make people comfortable. It bothers me to see them tensed and uncomfortable.

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It's been almost a week since my last post. There isn't that much to say overall. I seem to be more comfortable in social situations, gradually. Well, there was one thing to mention. I have a hard time understanding what to do around women I'm interested in. Common sense goes something like: say something and see where it goes. However, the reality and insecurity of the nature of interaction has a habit of overwhelming me. It's better than it used to be but it's still too much to break through by will power. A further relaxation of tensions is needed in order to give myself a real chance in life. That's how it feels on a day to day basis. I'm just not ready for leaps yet but I will be one day. The optimism is slowly rising.

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It gets tiring when you feel like you have to face everything by yourself. Nobody to support you. Nobody to show you what progress you've made or what can be done to better the situation. On a positive note, I felt more relaxed at the gym today than I had for a long time. I just wish I could take more initiative and do so without so much worry.

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I'm beginning to understand that others would like to communicate with me. Even so, there appears to be a wall or series of walls between us. Does anyone else feel this when they encounter another person? On the occasions that I do, in fact, say something it leads immediately to a dead end of the conversation. Nothing really leads to anything. It's hard to have faith in something that disappoints you on a consistent basis. The only thing I know to do is continue refraining from my vice which leads to greater comfort levels in public. Sometimes you don't realize how distant you are until you've spend years walking in the right direction and still see no end in sight. Be there for yourself.

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Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about a married woman. We've known each other for a while and she used to have a thing for me and might still. When we were around each other a lot it was fairly inappropriate even though we never did anything or talked about doing anything. It was just kind of obvious she had an interest and it was just.... floating out there. I don't believe she knows my thoughts and it's better that way, just in case. We aren't around each other much at all anymore but I fantasize all the same. I think it has something to do with me being single all the time. Desires exist whether someone is there for them or not. She was very kind and it felt like I could be more relaxed around her than other women. Regardless, there has to be other women out there. Even with my struggles there must be some women who would love me and vice versa.

 

Since living without my vice there has been lesser negativity in the air when people are around me. Working through some of these emotions and concerns probably has played not a small part in my progress as well.

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In the past two years I've grown to hate Valentine's Day. Before then I just saw it an any other day but lately it's gotten more bothersome. It's a constant reminder of something that never was. I thought about putting a desperate message on Facebook to see if anyone would set me up with friend, anyone really, in order to have some experience at dating. However, the fear of having desires ignored was too much to bear. I get that a lot. After a while you just see people as a series of animate....... things that pass by, more or less. Sometimes I feel so self-absorbed but don't know how to relate and develop an equally affectionate relationship.

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It has been difficult just getting out of bed the past couple of days. It feels as though there's nothing to look forward to. Of course I still have to go to work, eat, and try to do something on my own time. What can I accomplish while this shroud of negativity is around? Maybe it's time to allow some slack as long as I don't indulge in the vice or do anything unhealthy.

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A few days ago a relapse into my vice occurred. The focus afterward is not to make it a trend and do what I know to be best for myself. Also, I've found myself fantasizing about women who are taken/married. I think there is some coincidence. Many attractive women my age are already married and with kids, at least in my area. Usually when I find out someone is single they are too young, in their teens or early college students. It's hard sometimes to not get down in the dumps about actual existing social conditions. I should try out new places, however few they are... A thought just now. Could it be that social interactions doesn't have near the meaning that I build up in my mind? Maybe most people just aren't as meaningful as I try to be everyday. I keep trying to see what will come of actions/speech and this might be a dead end for a reason. First engage in serious battle, well maybe not so serious.

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Today, when I was leaving a store, a kid held the door open as I was leaving and I said thanks. These things are usually just some common everyday experiences not worth mentioning but today I responded in a clear tone of voice without hesitation or shame. When was the last time that I felt so comfortable and without fear/shame about what I had to say? Nothing comes to mind, at least not anytime recently. Until this point it was believed that comfort came solely with restraint when it comes to my vice. This time it came after several relapses in the past week. Now it's as if some internal mechanisms have been at work to bring forth progress. Upon reflection I come to remember that every now and then I can feel something inside my head or gut moving and this movement coincides with changes in thinking or perspective. The progress of these internal mechanisms reminds me of the song Renegades of Funk, performed by Rage Against the Machine. It was written by another group but I always listen to the Rage cover. "No matter how hard you try you can't stop us now."

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It has been about a week since my last post. Recently there has been a lift to my spirits. After learning more of existential philosophy I've been more aware of the importance of authenticity. Today I kept repeating a three fold path for social progress.

 

1. Self-Care

If I don't take care of myself then it will undermine my self-esteem and opportunities that come along.

 

2. Authenticity

What matters is that my choices are really my own. This is where existentialism comes in. For much of my life I've tried to act in accordance with someone else's thoughts, what a group would think to be correct, or just unhealthy habits/Vices. This path lead me to be more of a stranger to myself. Authenticity helps in allowing me to experience things in a more pure sense, if that makes sense. It also takes away at some guilt, shame, and stress.

 

3. Opportunism

Sometimes an opportunity will arise out of nowhere and if it is passed then I am faced with the awareness of a potential failure. I've been thinking about this for a long time but this time I use it in conjunction with authenticity and self-care. Opportunities, when capitalized on, provide a groundwork for breakthroughs or just development in general. You don't have to use every single last opportunity you notice but it's important to be genuine with your choices. Some opportunities I've passed up but did not stress out about for it was a genuine decision. It would have been too much of a stretch to desperately capitalize on, at least at that point in time.

 

The major change was authenticity. With it I've significantly reduced the feeling of being fake to other people in a short amount of time. My comfort level has risen at the same time.

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Tonight I was working by myself for a long time and my thoughts became very negative. After a while I start to hate it when I have to work a really long time by myself. During this time a memory arose that made me wonder. I think it was about fourth grade when a female bully touched me inappropriately against my will. It wasn't as severe as a lot of cases of sexual assault or full on rape but it still makes me wonder if it had something to do with my distrust around women when it comes to romance. After she did it for several days I became more accustomed to it but then she broke off the encounters. It was clear she felt remorse for what she did but something remained in the air afterwards. Maybe it's one factor out of many that makes it so unbearable for me to be comfortable to flirt with women who may be interested. I don't know. Sometimes I hope, in vain, that some past memory will come to mind one day and it will break this unending restraint that I feel. I think Sigmund Freud had a name for it or something but I can't remember.

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There have been a lot of relapses into my vice the past couple of weeks, especially yesterday. If feels like i'm getting more hateful the more I relapse. I don't lash out at people but the feelings are there. Most of the hate is directed towards people in general but, of course, some is for myself for not being strong enough to overcome my vice as well as overcoming my social issues. You can't help but eventually feel inadequate when nothing changes over a period of years while I can see other people go through so much socially. They make friends, find lovers, get married, have kids, breakup, find new lovers, and on and on and on. I know I shouldn't compare myself with other people if only for the reason that there's no way to know what they really go through in life. Still, at my darkest I get filled with rage unable to figure out how to improve. How exactly does one overcome a deep feeling of alienation and disconnection when it perpetuates throughout an early lifetime?

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Today was a good break day. I didn't leave the house and spent time doing things I enjoy like reading and watching a movie. It's nice, from time to time, to NOT have the specter of relationships breathing down my neck. Popular music, movies, and normal activities outside the house all involve thinking about romance at one point or another. The movie I watched tonight had some of it but not that much and once I bore thought the intimacy scene near the beginning it was pretty smooth sailing. I'm not one of those for whom intimacy is "dirty" by the way. It's the emphasis and somewhat ease that I see it materialize for others compared with my extreme difficulty that bothers me; contradiction of human entities (both that desire connection) so close to one another yet with different results. With movies you can detach yourself a bit because of it's simulated nature but you can't fully detach yourself from everyday people you see at least six days a week.

 

There are a couple places I'd like to visit to get a bite to eat. I've been sort of putting it off because I fear being the loner oddball in the room. Then again, even if it is weird at least it would have been something done for myself in an unfamiliar situation. That's enough for tonight.

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Today I experienced some progress on the social front without building up the communication into that much. This appears to be what "normal" people do often so I think it was a good day for me. Previously I've felt really accomplished to say one thing to one person in a day, heck even one thing to one person in a week. In my view, the internal mechanisms within are starting to reach the outside world albeit in a limited form. One concern is an itching felt today for a relapse into my vice. There hasn't been a relapse since I last wrote about it. In time the itching always comes back. One thing that has helped is the comparisons of all the relapses I've had compared with the times of removal. The latter have always been better except for one or two times. In those few instances it was necessary because I started having thoughts that were becoming too much to bear. I have a life to explore and expand upon. Overall, vices hinder development and true happiness in place of short sighted pleasure. At least this is true for me. Last year I kicked a caffeine habit and it has helped with my energy on a consistent basis. Lastly, I wonder who, if anyone, has had sex dreams about me. There are a couple people I think might have but you never know. It's just one of those things that pop into my head during the day.

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One thing that helps me in public is reminding myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. There are so many times that I tend to feel embarrassed in public for no real reason. Someone may just look at me and smile. It's something that I have to keep reminding myself. When it happens and I become more antisocial there arises anger later on. It's not wrong to talk to people, ask them how they're doing, and so forth. So why do I feel ashamed of myself? Is it because I anticipate their face to be false and that their fangs will come out later? Being Schizotypal can generate a lot of distrust and paranoia in itself. Still, there must be a challenge to these misconceptions, hopefully that is all they are, if connections are to be made and maintained. I want to make friends, become more comfortable with women, and love some women. It shouldn't make me feel ashamed or embarrassed to say that. It shouldn't.

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Thoughts of vice have consumed large parts of the day. I haven't indulged, at least not yet, so something right must be going on. Loneliness does become more prominent during these times. Specifically, romantic loneliness. No matter what my mental issues or material circumstances I always find a way to compare myself to others. At times it feels like love is Utopian while hate is reality. I'm probably misinterpreting the facial/body expressions of others at times.

 

However, becoming more comfortable with myself has cleared some of the air. For example, I've been walking around naked in my bedroom just to get more comfortable in my own skin while taking precautions to prevent others form seeing me. It might be crazy enough to work because I felt more comfortable with my body in public lately. I got the idea from remembering a girl I knew in college. She said she liked walking around naked in her dorm. She was also very well known for being promiscuous. She was attractive but even considering that she was famous. If by some stretch of the imagination it helped her maybe it could help me. I don't want to be as active as she was but would like to have someone.

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Another lonely night. It feels as though no matter how much I try there is always a canyon between me and my ultimate goals. The only positive thing to say right now is that my consciousness appears to be more genuine and relaxed when i'm around other people. Recently I read up on Hegel's Phenomenology and my thoughts seem to be more attuned to people. It's hard to describe because of it's abstract nature. Sometimes I forget about particular explanations of my thoughts and allow them to roam and evolve in themselves. I hope my mind doesn't burn out before I achieve real progress in social development.

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