Mother moved out. Curious how to guide her in the right direction. If possible.

So if I had written this post a few days ago it would go like this:

My mother moved out a few weeks ago after she found a job and an apartment. She's had this new job for a little more than a month. I'm really proud of her. I know she's having a hard time. The job is stressful for her but it's a great learning experience for her. She's gaining a lot of new knowledge and gaining more marketable skills. I'm hopeful this will last maybe a year. It seems like a great step forward. There's also an understanding that she will not move back in with me and my girlfriend. For those who don't know, she lived with my girlfriend and I for a year and a half.

Anyway, if we fast forward today, she quit her job.

It's not shocking necessarily. She's never quit a job before but with every job she's had over the past few years she's been very unhappy with it. She retired early from a 20 year job about 5 years ago. After that she was basically fired from 5 other jobs. It was easy to guess she would be unhappy/stressed with this new job (and she was) and it sounds like she had a panic attack and quit.

So luckily she doesn't live with me anymore. She has enough savings to pay her rent and buy food for probably a year. So I'm less worried. However I'd like to be able to encourage her figure out how to seek help for whatever she's dealing with. I suspect it's anxiety. Social anxiety? I don't know. Something else? I don't know. Part of the challenge I've had over the year is convincing her to take the concept of anxiety seriously.

I'm curious if anyone here relates to or has observed people who struggle with extreme stress, mild paranoia, low esteem, panic attacks, etc. I think my mother is slowly accepting she has a problem. When I spoke to her about quitting this job she acknowledged that she has a problem instead of just blaming her coworkers for upsetting her.

I told her a story about a student of mine. I teach at a community college. I had a 50+ year old student. During a quiz I assigned, she raised her hand and told me that she has a disability where she panics. She explained that she has an agreement with the school where she is allowed extra time for testing and is allowed to sit in a quiet space somewhere for that purpose. When she spoke to me she was near tears. It was just a ten question quiz. Despite it surprising me it made me wonder about the nature of her problem. What is it called? What else does she do to cope with it? Does my mother have that problem? She probably has something related.

Does anyone understand this topic or have any advice to offer? I've generally given up on fixing my mother. I don't believe she's likely to live the rest of her life as a happy person. If she does it's all up to her now. However I'd like to better understand the issues at hand so that I can potentially point her in the right direction.

Glad you found some relief. I know you wanted your mom self sufficient for some time. No one can diagnose her issues and nor should we try and nor should you. Point her in the direction of her GP. She needs to start there.

Well, I suppose I'll just to continue to encourage her to do that--talk to professionals in the medical community. She tends to avoid that but I'll tell her anyway.

Just stick to your guns that she needs to care for herself at this point. I think you said she is in no way elderly, she is close to my age? I think....

She should be able to care for herself or know how to get help. Yes, point her at the medical community.

She's 58. Yeah, convincing her to seek western medical advice may be tricky but... oh well.

Ok, so she is 7 years older than me. In no way elderly.

I definitely think your mom should handle this on her own. She obviously knows there’s an issue & that you’re concerned. If she’s not willing to get help, then there’s no sense in stressing yourself out (if not now, you will eventually) trying to convince her by giving her a list of things she could possibly be diagnosed with.

There’s also no way to know whether your mother & student are in any way alike. From what you wrote, it seems as if you know not to ask the student any more questions. Please don’t do that! I find it odd that the student told the class about panicking because the student doesn’t have to disclose anything at all about their disability, not even to the teacher. They just have to give the teacher paperwork in order to make them aware of the accommodations needed. The disability could be something like mine in college, which was just migraines, or it could be a severe mental handicap. Everyone pretty much had the same “privileges” regardless. All I know is that every teacher at my college was aware of these accommodations & the fact they couldn’t ask ANYTHING about the disability. One of my teachers did & I ended up getting an automatic A without having to take the class, plus the teacher was suspended.

I do have anxiety & panic attacks also, but I’ve already written a novel!

Yeah, it's maybe been hard for me to just let my mother handle this on her own although I recognize I have no ability to change her situation. It's not obvious she's always "known" the nature of the issue. In the distant past she would quickly assume her astrology sign is the reason for her struggles. Something I believe irrational. She seems more able to see the seriousness of it now.

You're right that I may be wrong as to whether my mother or that student are coping with similar issues. I guess I don't know. I had failed to remember the nature of this student's problems/disability so she reminded me when I assigned this first quiz. She didn't tell the class. She quietly spoke to me but ever since then I am much more careful. It's a detail that hasn't come up much in my work. I've only been teaching for two years. I didn't ask her details. Just tried to convince her that she's doing nothing wrong and I was more than willing to accommodate her as needed. The nature of this may differ school system by school system. I had one student who very openly stated that he had a learning disability but he seemed comfortable and jovial with that statement. I certainly don't go around asking.

Anyway, I really appreciate your bringing attention to that. I do care about my students and I want to continue learning to be supportive of them. I also want to be supportive of my mom in some sense but she may have to take some of this journey on her own... :/

I definitely think your mom should handle this on her own. She obviously knows there’s an issue & that you’re concerned. If she’s not willing to get help, then there’s no sense in stressing yourself out (if not now, you will eventually) trying to convince her by giving her a list of things she could possibly be diagnosed with.

 

There’s also no way to know whether your mother & student are in any way alike. From what you wrote, it seems as if you know not to ask the student any more questions. Please don’t do that! I find it odd that the student told the class about panicking because the student doesn’t have to disclose anything at all about their disability, not even to the teacher. They just have to give the teacher paperwork in order to make them aware of the accommodations needed. The disability could be something like mine in college, which was just migraines, or it could be a severe mental handicap. Everyone pretty much had the same “privileges” regardless. All I know is that every teacher at my college was aware of these accommodations & the fact they couldn’t ask ANYTHING about the disability. One of my teachers did & I ended up getting an automatic A without having to take the class, plus the teacher was suspended.

 

I do have anxiety & panic attacks also, but I’ve already written a novel!