Fighting against all odds

Hi all,

I am 19 years old and my partner is 35 years old, we are in a long distance relationship (3-5 hours travelling), and we have been together for 3-4 months.

*I think it's also important to state that I am a university student, I work part-time and she works full-time and also studies.

So early into the relationship, we are already facing some issues even though we get along really well. I believe the age and distance has some factors into the issues that we have been facing, and we may also be rushing the relationship.

Recently, when I got home from staying at her place, we had a phone call but I was already feeling frustrated with some issues at home and I thought that my frustration would disappear when we were talking on the phone but it didn't, and for some reason, my frustration had blown up and I had taken my frustration out on her. This has happened a few times now. This is the problem with myself - I sometimes take my frustration out on others, especially the ones I love the most and it's not healthy. Ever since that happened, she has been quiet, doesn't want to talk on the phone, moody towards me through text, and lack of affection. I know what I did was wrong, and I apologised, and I have been finding other ways to handle my frustrations and to focus on more positives which has been really helping and it's going well. However, she is still being rather quiet with me, moody and lack of affection, etc. She told me that she's questioning whether or not this is something she wants to deal with for the rest of her life if she commits to me. She also told me that she doesn't want to have a partner where she has to feel as though she is the parent and she has to teach me some things. Admittedly, of course at my age there are a few things I do need to learn and be taught but I personally don't think I would always need her to teach me things when I can also learn things for myself. And she questions about what will I provide her because she is able to provide me security with a house, etc. but my answer is that I can provide her love and care, but I don't think she is completely satisfied with that answer. I understand where she is coming from but I also feel really confused because I am old enough to do things for myself, and even though financial security is nice and we all look for that in life, isn't my love and care enough for her?

I also feel as though we may have rushed the relationship as we already made plans to live together, and I transferred universities closer to where she lives and was able to even get a transfer with my job, and some of my items are already at her house but I am not living with her YET - that is on hold and I still have work down where I live, and I can still attend university, etc. But then again, I do question whether or not we are rushing it when we get along so well in person, have the same goals for the future and outlook on life, but we can never quite get along when we are apart and living our own lives?

I love this woman, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life, and I knew that the moment I met her, but it scares me and breaks my heart that we are having these issues, she is being distant, and the way she is questioning the relationship.

I don't know what to do!

I hope that someone could give me some helpful advice.

Thank you!

Hi coastal,

I'll leave aside any comments on age/distance/finances and so on. I personally believe that these can sometimes be overcome, sometimes they are deal-breakers. You are clearly already at least somewhat aware of these issues (the titular 'odds') and there are many others who can and will articulate advice better in their responses.

All I wanted to say is that, at 3-4 months in, having these issues/questions is a bad sign. The ideal and reality seem be too far apart. Rearranging your life where there are already this issues would be misadvised. As hard as it will be, I would say you probably have to let this one go.

Good luck whatever you do,

T

Absolutely you have rushed this and the age difference is huge. This woman is pretty much old enough to be your mother so no wonder she feels like a parent sometimes. You really need to slow down. I know you dont want to hear this from a stranger but I doubt in a year you two will still be "together." The male brain doesnt finish growing until age 25 so you have a ways to go. You are on a different plane/level from her in terms of where you are in life. A girl your own age in your own area that you can grow and mature with as you go to uni and start a career is a much more realistic way to do things. Good luck to you if you think you want to continue this relationship but the odds are so much not in your favour.

Absolutely you have rushed this and the age difference is huge. This woman is pretty much old enough to be your mother so no wonder she feels like a parent sometimes. You really need to slow down. I know you dont want to hear this from a stranger but I doubt in a year you two will still be "together." The male brain doesnt finish growing until age 25 so you have a ways to go. You are on a different plane/level from her in terms of where you are in life. A girl your own age in your own area that you can grow and mature with as you go to uni and start a career is a much more realistic way to do things. Good luck to you if you think you want to continue this relationship but the odds are so much not in your favour.

I'm also a female, so we are a gay couple, so my brain is probably more mature than a male at my age but aside from that, I can see where you are coming from. Thank you Melancholy