Masturbation in Relationships

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and just moved in together. He’s 29 and I’m 27.

The question that I have today is about sex. We have sex about 3-4 times a week, and it’s really good sex. He is quite happy with this amount, however I would definitely like it to be more. He does know this. He has made jokes in the past about how he knows that I “want much more sex than he is probably ever able to give me”. Despite this, it seems as if often when he’s left in the house alone, he watches porn and “rubs one out”. The reason I know this is because he’s not very good at deleting his search history on our shared computer.

I know he’s not addicted as probably only watches it 2-3 times a week, and I only ever see one video in the history – so it’s not like he’s watching multiple videos and making a big session out of it – he’s literally picked one video, done his business & moved on.

I also watch porn and masturbate, but only because I am not getting enough to satisfy my needs. I would much rather have my needs satisfied by actual sex, however I’m only getting that every few days and it seems like the days in between sex with each other, we are both having solo sex.

I think that a lot of this probably comes down to laziness on his part. He’s often very tired when he returns from work as he works hard labour, and I know it’s easier to pop into the bathroom for 3 minutes to “get the poison out” than it is to have physical sex with his partner (me). I understand this, however I guess I just don’t know how normal it really is.

In my previous relationship, we didn’t really talk about masturbation at all. I didn’t really do it and I was a bit naive to think he didn’t either. But in this relationship, he’s quite open about it. He doesn’t usually tell me when he has/is going to masturbate, but he has told me before (like if he lasts longer than usual, he’ll tell me that’s because he had a wank this morning, for example).

He has rejected me a few times when I’ve tried to initiate and he often feels bad about that, so sometimes he’ll bring it up by saying, “Can we have sex in the morning instead of tonight? I’m so tired I just can’t be bothered” before I’ve even mentioned it. Sometimes he’s already masturbated that afternoon, sometimes he hasn’t. When we’ve discussed it, he refers to masturbating as “having time to himself” which I find odd.

I guess that it wouldn’t bother me if my sex drive was lower, but because it’s not, I’m not really entirely satisfied with the amount of sex we’re having and knowing that he’s getting off alone is quite frustrating for me.

Am I expecting too much here? Is it that sometimes men don’t exactly want to have sex, but they just want to have an orgasm? To men, is masturbation & sex two different things? I'm trying not to feel threatened as I'm sure his masturbation has nothing to do with me - but it feels personal?

Doesn't matter if you did it twice a day, everyday he'd still likely rub one out because it a natural thing to do without fanfare and without having to worry about one's partner getting theirs.

We are taught as youngsters not to touch "that" or to only do it in private as a better alternative then to not touching it at all so it becomes private and even at times comforting and all animals do it.

When he says "can we do it in the morning" do you actually get to do it or is the suggestion forgotten?

FWIW the hubby and I became "morning people" as well because by the time we got into bed at night (working, baby, cooking, dishes) I was too tired at night as well. In view of that, I don't think there is anything unusual about your relationship, his or your masturbating, the number of times you have sex a week or anything about what you've posted about.

We've been married for 40 years now and it's worked out fine for the both of us.

Not only for some men but some women too. Sex and masturbation being two different activities, one not necessarily having anything to do with the other.

Not sure if you've ever worked hard manual labour, but it's so physically draining, imagine your most exhausted but every night. It really can have a huge impact on libido, being so tired.

I also wonder if since you've moved in together, if he gets much time alone to himself? I'm a woman , so not sure if you are looking for male only answers, but I need that certain amount of space and if I don't get it it does impact my desire as far as frequency of sex. Lots of room to breathe from each other is sexy to me, everyone has their own needs with that, some needing little breaks at all from a partner or it not making a difference as far as libido for them. Just a thought.. as you are adjusting to living together, and it can be someone stressful as the kinks get worked out, as exciting as it is to be living together, just normal to get in a flow of what works as a team.

You both sound very normal. It's great you can talk about sex openly together.

It is impossible for both partners to have the same sex drive, there is always will be a difference. Who has the highest drive will change at times. As long as you keep the full ruthlessly honest communication going, you are both golden!

Doesn't matter if you did it twice a day, everyday he'd still likely rub one out because it a natural thing to do without fanfare and without having to worry about one's partner getting theirs.

 

We are taught as youngsters not to touch "that" or to only do it in private as a better alternative then to not touching it at all so it becomes private and even at times comforting and all animals do it.

 

When he says "can we do it in the morning" do you actually get to do it or is the suggestion forgotten?

 

FWIW the hubby and I became "morning people" as well because by the time we got into bed at night (working, baby, cooking, dishes) I was too tired at night as well. In view of that, I don't think there is anything unusual about your relationship, his or your masturbating, the number of times you have sex a week or anything about what you've posted about.

 

We've been married for 40 years now and it's worked out fine for the both of us.

Yes, we always do it when he suggests doing it in the morning instead, he never forgets or pretends to. Then we'd probably have a different problem on our hands!

Are you doing most of the work during sex? Or is he always on top putting forth all the effort?

Yes, we always do it when he suggests doing it in the morning instead, he never forgets or pretends to. Then we'd probably have a different problem on our hands!

That is good news. I suggest you stop taking it personally.

Are you doing most of the work during sex? Or is he always on top putting forth all the effort?

We take turns. But I'd say it's 60/40 - him being the 60% of the time to be on top. He doesn't last long. Usually only 3-5 minutes. Perhaps that's a concern as well - he may get embarrassed at only lasting a few minutes... I've told him that I don't mind as he usually makes sure that I get off too, but I can tell he'd rather last longer.

Do you think you'd feel better if you were having longer sessions? Talking hours...not minutes. Any interest in that? Might take some of the emphasis off of frequency.

Sex requires performance, mastrubation does not. You're seeing BF's performance limit, so if you want more sex, take on more of the performance and allow BF to relax more. Sometimes you can even allow him complete relaxation while you perform the whole time. I'd consider the mastrubation irrelevant and not a reflection on you. Every autonomous person needs a certain amount of alone time, some more than others. While not everyone is into self sex, it's perfectly healthy for people who are.

Sorry to hear this. The issue isn't porn or masturbation, it's the discrepancy in sex drive and the product of living together and things getting routine/boring. Both or either of you climbing into bed at night exhausted is another problem.

You've already discussed all this and you have your answer. He's exhausted at night. And why can't you have sex other times/other places than just in the bedroom at night? Also before you moved in together, was the sex more often or less often?

just moved in together. He has made jokes in the past about how he knows that I “want much more sex than he is probably ever able to give me”. He’s often very tired when he returns from work. sometimes he’ll bring it up by saying, “Can we have sex in the morning instead of tonight? I’m so tired I just can’t be bothered”