We got back together and then...

Hey guys. Its been a few months since my last post. Id like to say hello to a few names I remember from before. Ive been reading some of everyones stuff. I see some old names that gave me advice still going thru their struggles. Well Id love to say this is an uplifting post but sadly it is not. My ex of 3 years and I split up in October over what I thought were reasons (they werent) that she explained. I gave it 30 days of NC and then messaged her. We texted for hours. Long story short she showed up at my door two days later. Ahh was I so happy. It was like a too good to be true feeling! Like I can imagine thats what it would feel like to hit the lottery.

Well we decided to give it another go. About 8 weeks later I started to notice some signs again. She didnt text me as much. We werent talking about our future. Ect ect. I knew what was happening and started to brace myself. Eventually I told her I was unhappy with the way things were going and that I think maybe we should talk about ending things. To which she frantically talked me out of it. Of course I didnt want to leave but I felt like If I go out first it would help me recover. Well after talking me out of it. She ended up texting me the next day to break up. Unbelievable right?

So here I am 11 days post breakup......again. Today has been a hard one. After the first breakup i had hopes we would get back but i have come to terms with the fact it is over. Which well.....sucks. Im 36 and rarely find anyone interesting or attractive enough to want to be with. So the depression is hitting pretty hard.

I just want to vent here a little and give some brutal honesty of my opinion here. Not for myself but maybe for some of you as well. I feel that in every relationship. One has the power. One loves the other more. And in every breakup....well most every. One person just flat out loses attraction to the other. One person falls out of love leaving the other to grieve.

You see we would have never left the ones that crushed our heart. Why? Because we were in Love. I see a lot of you clinging to hope of getting back together. I sure was. And guess what! I got her back! Just so she could squeeze the last drop of energy out of me to take to her next relationship. Leaving me broken.

So I guess what I am trying to say here is. These people left us. And I doubt for any real legitament reasons beyond the simple fact that they lost interest. They may say this or that. But I really doubt any of you did something or didnt do enough of something to warrant them leaving us. They just lost interest. It hurts. It hurts bad. But maybe this will help us move on faster?

So to those of you going thru the stages of grief. I say this. F them. F them for the crap they did. For putting us thru this. My x was honestly one of the best girls ive been with. But at the end if the day even the best ones are overcome with selfishness.

And for those of you trying to cope with your pain with hopes of getting back together I remind you. When two people truly are in love. Nothing breaks them up. True love overcomes everything. Its the strongest emotion.

Im sorry for the downer post. But I have to vent. Im def at the angry emotional roller coaster stage at the moment. I hate her for making me feel this way. I hate myself for not being enough. And I hate this world for the underserved pain it can give us.

Oh and while I am at it. I wanna vent some lines she told me when we broke up. Boy do these piss me off.

“Please dont hate me.”

“Ill always love you”

And the one that bothers me the most

“Please dont forget about me. Ill never forget you”

If only I could forget you! If only I didnt rethink every moment spent together all day long. If only I didnt fall asleep just to dream about you over and over everynight. If only I didnt think about our intimacy and all the amazing time we spent in bed. If only I didnt constantly tell myself that nobody will be better then you. Nobody will be able to please me like you.

Id empty my bank account just to rid every memory of you out of my head.

Ive been thru this a few times before in relationships. It never gets easier. I guess its too much to ask for me to get it right. For someone to feel as strongly about me as I do them forever.

So sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how awful it is to go from feeling like there is still a chance to work the relationship out, to getting hurt all over again.

When two people truly are in love. Nothing breaks them up. True love overcomes everything. Its the strongest emotion.

While I believe that if there's genuine love for someone, problems can be worked through, I also believe that love in and of itself is not always enough. There has to be dedication and commitment and love doesn't always equate with that, sadly. Love is a great starting point, but like all emotions, it waxes and wanes. Its the choice to commit and work on the relationship that carries people through those times when love isn't always enough.

I hope your pain eases soon.

Thank you. I guess for me. Ive never fell “out” of love with someone. Ive been in relationships where I never was in love but I feel like id still be with my first love had she not “fell out”. Maybe Im wrong. Maybe Im bitter. Maybe there is a diff from loving someone and being in Love. But I dont see how anyone could truly love or be in love with someone and leave them. Unless there are serious serious problems which Im sure we could all name (abuse ect ect) but I dont feel any of us here grieving are really guilty of those things.

I wish she would contact me again. Just so I could tell her off. Not to hurt her. Because honestly she wouldnt care. But for me.

And for the record guys. Im not some crazy dude with anger issues. Altho I am Italian. I was always good to her. Even during both breakups. I was respectful and carring. Ive just had it. In fact I feel like one of the few good guys out there that just hasnt gotten it right yet. I have so much to give someone. Its finding someone I want to thats always been my problem. From 18-36 I have been in three 3-4 year loving relationships. Thats about 12 years out of 18. Youd think I would have gotten it right? Makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Hey Makeit,

Thanks for your post buddy. I feel your pain, I really do.

Have also had a look at your previous thread.

I'm 37 and have had 4 serious relationships (including 1 marriage)..all ended badly and painfully for me.

Probably except the first 1 (she utterly broke my heart, but I was still very young - engaged at 16, split at 19), I was guilty of staying in the relationship past it's "sell by date".

What I can testify to though, is that it all has an accumulative effect. For example, coming out of my 7 year relationship (the marriage), I went almost straight into a 3 year relationship, which has just recently ended. I have no doubt that I am now trying to process the last 10 years of my life out of it. However, I have full-time custody of my 8 year old son, so I wouldn't change that for anything, despite the heart ache. The bizarre aspect to it, is that 3 years later, I have the ex-wife sniffing around me again! You literally couldn't make this stuff up...

I would not have ever ended it in these 4 relationships, probably whatever happened. Sad, but true.

All I am trying to say is it looks like you have followed your heart, worn it on your sleeve and got the scars to prove it.

Be proud of those scars. It makes you who you are.

Chin up pal. It does get better.

Yeah I have a 7 year old out of two relationships ago. And I was broken by her as well. Altho. I am totally over her now. I would not take her back. I have a decent relationship with her now and a great one with my daughter. Altho I prob wouldnt have left her either..... Im glad it ended. Cant say the same about the one before her and the most recent breakup. I still wish I didnt lose them. I guess whats frustrating is you put serious amounts of time with people and this continues to happen. Ive had a lot of short sub year relationships but never amounted to love or anything. I dont even count those. Im frustrated , depressed, raged and just every emotion there is. I dont need a woman to be happy with but man....if it dont happen soon I feel like throwing in the towel.

The absolute worst part of this is how picky I am. I see my friends married/engaged to these women that I couldnt handle 30 mins alone with. My friends are happy. But I could never be. Sometimes I wish i could just settle with average. But I cant. Doesnt leave me with much hope.

First off mate, hang in there, this is the Anger stage, you know, I know it, we all felt it.

Crucial things, you didn't grieve, those stages of loss aren't some hypotheses, they actually exist, consciously or subconsciously, we must pass through them, I am at the acceptance stage now and I can tell you, my mind is gradually hitting 90%.

30 days NC is a joke, and many months and years from now, when people read your post they can learn not to follow it.

30 days doesn't really change anything, all it does it make the dumpers gradually ease into it, I can make several assumptions based on many similar posts I have read here, the best possible reason she got back with you is because she couldn't find someone else that quickly, or no one was ready to slot her into their life, the reasons for the breakup still exist, and propped their face on your second trial.

You must grieve, I believe once broken, the cracks never heal, I am no pessimist but unless grieving is done, self evaluation is done, you are only playing the same song over and over again.

Lastly, I see a lot of posters here say, true love conquers all, or if they love you they won't leave, we are only tapping into some fairytale.

Yes true love exists, so do personal and interpersonal problems , then love only becomes a saying, rather than a feeling.

Now is your chance to properly grieve, channel that anger into something positive and forget the power games, she only delayed the break up so she could do it herself, you didn't change, neither did she, let the sleeping dogs lie and move on.

Cheers

Makeit...........your 30 years old and so you still have a lot of good years left. I know it hurts and I feel your pain. I am in my early 60's and have been married, and still haven't found the one who melts my heart. After each break up, I learn so much. I guess I am much more cautious about who I give my heart to when I meet someone. I set my standards high and I have to really get to know them before becoming intimate....I mean a 90 day rule is a good rule to live by. You set your standards and requirements and if they don't run in the other direction, then you know they just may be up for the challenge. While there's no guarantee in life, it does help reduce the chances of this happening to you again. My ex came back after two months after cheating on me with another woman. I will not take him back and he is trying everything under the sun to give him a second chance. It was hard for me to say no. I don't like being alone. But it beats being with a womanizer. Don't rethink this. I think you should move on and know that in time, you will feel stronger and better. Hang in there......you'll make it! Write back in a few months and let us know how you are doing!

Thanks Young mind. I agree with you 100%. I just wanna clarify I would not get back with her. Nor do I want to. What I want I guess is that we wouldnt have broken up in the first place. But obviously thats not true. I also agree with you 100% on why she came back. No arguments there. And yes I am at the Anger stage for sure. F Her.

Hi Makeit* ~ I remember you from back then...

Sorry to hear what happened but yes it is a good reminder....I'm still in a lot of pain over here and Hope is playing a big part in keeping me stuck :-/

I have to agree with Young Mind* about the '30 day NC then contact' strategy....As you have shown, it can work, but the problem is they come back still a little unsure...

As painful as it is, the other way (as in NC forever) is that if they do come back, it is of their own accord, therefore perhaps they are more serious about it....Although I have seen that happen and then they still run off again.....

Anyway, thanks for posting this...I will try to use it as leverage....

Carus*

Hey Carus, Your welcome man. I was reading your post and remember you too. Your hope is def understandable. It numbs the pain a little. Which at the moment we do just about anything to lessen it even a little. The dreams man....oh those hurt. Right there with ya buddy. Almost dread falling asleep at night. Im up responding at 3AM here. Fell asleep at midnight. No dreams but woke up to that body shocking realization that its over. The First thing that hits my mind.

Looking back. When we first broke up I remember reading everything I could on how to get her back. I dismissed the stuff saying it was likely over and latched onto anything that helped keep the hope alive. The strategys actually worked to atleast get her back. Spent another two months with her. A lot of intimate moments. But I knew it wouldnt last. I knew she was just buying her time till she found someone else. And lets face it. Its so easy for women now awadays.

I havent had any setbacks and I wont. Blocked blocked blocked and deleted. Photos gone ect ect. She was adamant that I dont block her number. I told her doesnt make a difference anyways because I wont be contacting her again. So will see. I hope she contacts me after her next guy rejects her. I hope some form of karma draws her to reach out to me. If she does shes going to get a heart felt response from me. A big heart felt F you. Nobody would have loved her like I did. Its a shame.

Ive been reading a lot about the balance of the universe. I dont believe in a religious god. But Im starting to believe in the balance of life. My career is going great. I was dating a beautiful women everything was going great for 3-4 years. Well the balance of life has well.....balanced itself a bit. Ive been on top of the world for 4 years now. This has brought me back down. Silver lining here is that the all time low has to shift back to good at some point. I hope that brings me love as my career is still going strong. If not I hope it atleast brings me peace. Id be fine with just being happy after riding such a high for the past 4 years. But I was addicted to it. And now...Im at the lowest point of my life.

The sickening part is I still can and most likely will be hurt even worse. I have mutual contacts that I interact with that I cannot remove from my life. It is only a matter of time before I hear about a new guy. I am trying to prepare myself for that. But I know I cant. Its going to crush me.

Life is a trip. Off to try and sleep again. Let the dreams begin.

Hey Carus, Your welcome man. I was reading your post and remember you too. Your hope is def understandable. It numbs the pain a little. Which at the moment we do just about anything to lessen it even a little.

Yes that's true...It's like taking an aspirin for a headache that won't go away...Some days I really get the feeling that she's missing me a lot, but the silence brings the reality crashing back down again....If she really wanted to see me, she knows where I am...and I'm not quite ready to reach out to her yet....

The strategys actually worked to atleast get her back.

Did you use someone in particular or a few different ones? Could you expand a little on how you approached it? Some say that if you get a cold response to just keep trying...Sounds like a bit of a dangerous strategy if you're trying to heal and get your head straight....Would you recommend people (as in me :)) use these strategies...?

Also as I mentioned above, they may have not fully processed their feelings by the time we get back in contact and until that happens, the risks are high.

Id be fine with just being happy after riding such a high for the past 4 years. But I was addicted to it. And now...Im at the lowest point of my life.

Yep, it is an addiction in a lot of ways. Love and bonding triggers the same areas in the brain as recreational drugs...So if you do it for any length of time, the withdrawals then can be extremely harsh as in my case....

I could write a book about the extreme highs and adventures and sex my exwife and I had over 5 years to rival 'Fifty Shades'.....and now she's gone and I too am fighting to get off the floor....I've heard it can be worse second time around...

Sending You Strength Brother.

PS: The reason I ask is because it seems hard to find any honest reviews of those systems* :)

Sorry this happened. I went thru the same thing. I tried breaking up with my ex, he said no don't give up!

Only to have him turn around soon after and break up with me. They want to have the power. They want

to say they broke up with you, because it's better for their own ego. No one wants to feel rejected.

The anger is good. It can push you to remind yourself of why it just wouldn't work out again.

I disagree that if people truly loved one another they wouldn't break up though.

Sometimes love is not enough to overcome certain issues. People can still feel love but maybe they see

their lives going in a different direction. People change, relationship dynamics change. I think is more that

the overwhelming feeling of being in love turns to loving, but not still feeling immensely in love.

I have an ex I never lost attraction for, and vice versa. Maybe one day when I can move we might be together again.

I do agree there is always one who cares more than the other does. It's great to be the one who doesn't, lol.

And for the record guys. Im not some crazy dude with anger issues. Altho I am Italian. I was always good to her. Even during both breakups. I was respectful and carring. Ive just had it. In fact I feel like one of the few good guys out there that just hasnt gotten it right yet. I have so much to give someone. Its finding someone I want to thats always been my problem. From 18-36 I have been in three 3-4 year loving relationships. Thats about 12 years out of 18. Youd think I would have gotten it right? Makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Lol, I'm Italian too. The men have a rep for being yellers, but mostly it isn't. I married and divorced one.

It comes from being raised in families that seem to talk really loud for some reason. And, "talk with the hands" haha.

Most of my family was like this. Not my dad, he was the calmest, quietest, best man there ever was.

As long as you know you were respectful and caring, then you can give yourself peace of mind in knowing that.

We all have relationships that fail. Each one should be used as a learning experience, and growth for ourselves,

to assess what we want vs don't want, and work on any flaws we may bring to a relationship.

And the key is to first be happy within yourself, so that you can bring your best self to the relationship.

Take time to heal, grieve, and then make a list of what it is you seek, and if you see things you don't like,

bail out early before getting deeply attached. Some things are not changeable, no matter how badly you'd like

then to be. Good luck. Feel better :)

PS: The reason I ask is because it seems hard to find any honest reviews of those systems* :)

Where do I begin brother Carus. I spent hours reaching articles and watching youtube bideos. In a way I sort of came up with my own strategy. The short story of what I did was this. First off I lost about 15lbs. Got my abs back as I have always been in decent shape but I had slacked a little. I got a bit of a tan. Enhanced the wardrobe. The weight loss was easy. If youre like me ur appetite sucks going thru this. I think this helped my confidence and also gave her a shock factor when she showed up. I remember going into work a few days before and one of my female co workers just was like wow...steve...lookin hot. This helped me project my confidence which is key with any women.

Second I gave it 30 days like I said. On that day I had a few drinks and just went for it. Texted her “ hey you doin alright?”

She responded with Im ok I guess. Then i sorta used a corey wayne approach of hey we should get together. Nothin serious just to have a good time. I reminded her of some good times we had stuff like that. She was reserved and iffy and I just ended it with a well id love to hang out sometime so let me know sometime and left it at that.

Two days later she showed up at my door at 10 ocklock. She was crying yada yada. We talked and didnt do anything but hug and stuff. She left by saying Im coming back over tomorrow and staying the night. I was just like cool will see if you do. Joking with her challenging her. And she did.

Next 4 weeks was hot and heavy. Oh the sex Carus....right there with ya on that. The things wed do....im lying if I didnt say I miss that the most. It kills me thinking of her doing that with someone else as much as i miss it.

Well long story short it didnt last forever brother. I got insecure again. I backed away again and I knew it was the last ride. I did everything I could just wasnt enough. Do I regret it? No.

Heading into work here. Ill respond more there. Dont get caught up In getting her back. Like I said I dont regret it but I can confidently say that If given the choice id rather get over her 100% then get another “chance” to get her back.

Sweetgirl thanks for the response. Boy its so hard for me to find someone Im attracted to. I joined a dating site and have been getting daily messages from woman and I just think to myself seriously? You actually think Id be interested in you! Its depressing. I dont fall easy but when I do I fall hard. I have been reading a lot about the tao of love and stuff. Seems to all say you cant search for it. So ive just been lax here at first I was like desperate to find someone again but I just want to stop the pain.

Like I said I know I am a good catch for someone. But sometimes I wonder if the universe just doesnt want me to find my catch. The weekend is coming. Shes probably already found someone. Gona be out with them im sure. Its gonna suck.

Oh one more thing Carus. I found out she was rejected by a guy a week after we broke up. This played a big role in her coming back I think too. Prob more then all my efforts. She used me again. Another reason my hatred for her is so high right now.

Thankyou for posting that*

I think my story was similar to yours until the 'she showed up at my door'....Our first meeting after 5 weeks NC went great but then I didn't hear from her again lol

I like Corey Waynes stuff and that was working for the first 3 months after I moved out, but I don't think his method does too well when you're fresh into the breakup. I thought I could be ok with the way it was but after living as husband and wife I just wasn't.....

That insecurity you talk about got to me too. I kept getting the fear that she was just weaning off me and in the end I was right...or I manifested it :-/

Next 4 weeks was hot and heavy. Oh the sex Carus....right there with ya on that. The things wed do....im lying if I didnt say I miss that the most. It kills me thinking of her doing that with someone else as much as i miss it.

Yeh I know, I know....How she stays away I'll never know...

I did everything I could just wasnt enough. Do I regret it? No.

I feel the same and that's the good thing about feeling like this^...We have no guilt to live with knowing we gave good love and did all we could...

Dont get caught up In getting her back. Like I said I dont regret it but I can confidently say that If given the choice id rather get over her 100% then get another “chance” to get her back.

I hear you Brother and it certainly gets less and less every week....Trying to get an ex back is extremely difficult and can become a huge drain of energy on your life...and may not even pay off in the end!

Most times, as hard as it IS, moving on becomes easier than trying to get someone back who has little to no interest in it....And where's our self worth in that anyway!?

So the crux would be: Be very careful before spending 100's of hard earned dollars on any of those programs*

Oh one more thing Carus. I found out she was rejected by a guy a week after we broke up. This played a big role in her coming back I think too. Prob more then all my efforts. She used me again. Another reason my hatred for her is so high right now.

Yes this seems to be THE main ingredient in exes coming back....Which is why I wish my ex would get into a rebound lol....But as far as I know she's doing it the right way....

A great quote from Piaressss' thread was: "Why should I be sad over losing someone that didn't love me enough to stay, when they've lost someone that loved them with all their heart. Surely that's worse".....

I like it.

Thanks Again.

Carus*

Right on brother. I appologize for my bad grammar here as I am on my Iphone on these posts.

I never spent a dime on any of that stuff man. Unless you say time is money. Everything we need to know in life is out there for free. I enjoy learning and searching for the “meaning of life” not just the love part.

My ex was def weaning herself off of me. One thing I have learned here is trust your insecurities. Trust ur gut. Man if I woulda just not let her talk me out of leaving I woulda kept some of my power! Damnit! That leeching . I dont even think she meant to do it. Just feel like its a subconcious trait in us all.

A few things Ive noticed so far this time around.

1. Its not hurting quite as bad. The first time we split let me just say I had some dark thoughts....real dark....

2. Im not trying to get her back. Hell Its a struggle to get myself to shave in the morning. I think my work shirts are a few wears past a dry clean. Yes im losing weight again but just from the depression not because I wanna look good should I see her.

3. Im angry....real angry. Before All i could say and think was how great she was. Now....F her.

4. No desire to social media stalk. Zero. I know no good can come from it this time.

Some of the negatives tho I would say are I dont have any hope anymore.

The one thing Keeping me afloat at this point is I remember when my childs mom and I split I felt all the hopelessness thoughts I have now. Id never find better and guess what. I found better. Altho here I am again. Id be lying if I didnt say id just be ok with good enough at this point. Ive always overreached with woman. I give myself a strong 7 and have always been woth strong 8s/9s. Maybe another 7 wouldnt be so bad.

Ahh the pain......

Hi Makeit,

As before, I can relate to so much of what you say, and how you are currently feeling.

We haven't got back together, albeit briefly like you did, but I had alot of hope (wrongly) for 6 weeks or so.

I think she was weaning herself off me at the end of our relationship. I was oblivious, then blind-sided.

The losing weight, feelings of anger, no stalking SM etc, all the same here.. as well as the history of splits etc...

Just came out of a solid 2 months NC as she had a family bereavement.. I now think I should have just reached out to her parents, to convey my sympathy, rather than directly message her back. Even 1 message makes me feel like I was back at square 1, the hurt, anxiety, the thoughts have returned.

I know I'm not though and have healed considerably overall, I just need more time and another NC period!

You are truly not alone and are back at the right place.

Im to the point where this heartache isnt even worth the good anymore. Ive just been kinda going through the motions in a haze. Ill go a lil bit without thinking about it. And them boom crushed again. I know I should be thankful for my life and how it has gone. I know so many people would kill to be in my situation. But I cant help how down I feel. Nothing brings me joy except when Im asleep and not dreaming.

Oh and while I am at it. I wanna vent some lines she told me when we broke up. Boy do these piss me off.

 

“Please dont hate me.”

“Ill always love you”

 

I don't get this either. My wife left me a few weeks before Christmas and she shipped a box full of Christmas presents to the house I moved to and took the time to wrap the three gifts she sent. Inside one of them was a note that said she misses me and loves me and nothing will ever change that. She signed her name and put a heart next to it.

Me being the way I am I sent her and her kids presents they would like but I haven't heard back since. She doesn't answer my texts and has me blocked on FB so I didn't bother doing anything more. Part of me was happy she still cared about me but I have no idea if she was being genuine.

Sweetgirl thanks for the response. Boy its so hard for me to find someone Im attracted to. I joined a dating site and have been getting daily messages from woman and I just think to myself seriously? You actually think Id be interested in you! Its depressing. I dont fall easy but when I do I fall hard. I have been reading a lot about the tao of love and stuff. Seems to all say you cant search for it. So ive just been lax here at first I was like desperate to find someone again but I just want to stop the pain.

 

Like I said I know I am a good catch for someone. But sometimes I wonder if the universe just doesnt want me to find my catch. The weekend is coming. Shes probably already found someone. Gona be out with them im sure. Its gonna suck.

Those dating sites can really depress you. It's best to get out and meet people.

Even sometimes that doesn't go well, but at least you know the physical attraction is there, instead of

spending countless hours chatting, then meeting up only to discover they photoshopped their pics, or

used pics form a decade ago. Seriously. So, if you want a dating site, find the more exclusive ones that

screen their members and verify the info provided. Sites like Match, Zoosk, Bumble, okcupid, Tinder, POF don't do that.

I think when you're ready you'll just meet someone at a time that's unexpected. I know it's the worst feeling when the

weekends arrive, and it's hard to not think of your ex with someone else, but try to stay busy and focused.

I'm sorry, I wish I could erase the pain for you. Hang in there :)