Where to now?

Hi all,

Seven weeks ago I was just broken up with the person I wanted to share my life with. I am 29 years old and we were together for nine years. She was 17 when I met her.

Six years into our relationship she was told by doctors she had premature ovarian failure. She knew I wanted kids. I was in denial about the diagnosis and when work and pressure with my family got too much I focussed on having 'two or three kids' one day. I now see the emotional pressure she was under from me which she saw as manipulation. Marriage wasn't really important to us (expensive + not that religious) but she was dropping hints last year (I just didn't have the money or budget for a ring at the time but would have proposed).

In the months leading up to the break up I would come back from work and often she would be lying on the bed face down. I would ask her if anything was wrong, sometimes I would lay on top of her and hug her but she would go she's fine or she's just stressed out about Uni (she went back to study a couple of years ago). When she broke up with me she told me that all those times I asked her if she was fine she was actually grieving our relationship. I would be stressed when she would leave cups with half drunk teas about the place and would say mean things like 'you can go back to your mother's place if you don't want to wash up' and these things as well added to the strain on our relationship. I was under pressure but I also admit I was a grump and seemed distant.

I was busy with my work and there was a family legal dispute over my late grandmother's estate which started in 2015 so my mind was stressed and pre-occupied. She told me she felt disconnected for years (I admit I had problems being aloof and expressing physical intimacy for weeks to months at a time).

She had met an exchange student from South America at a buddy program six months ago xat Uni. I know she didn't cheat on me but I guess she knew he was waiting in the wings. In the week after she broke up with me we were still messaging and I told her that I was thinking of going out as I couldn't stand to be in the empty apartment and she was always telling me about the Latin nights they have but she didn't respond (I found out when I saw her at Christmas she thought I was going out the next week to the night as I put in the text 'maybe next week you can show me some moves' but I only put that because she told me earlier in the day on the phone she was feeling tired). I did go out (few hours after the text) and saw her on a date with the exchange student. Fast forward five weeks and they are still together.

He went to see his sister because she had a baby (for a couple of weeks over Christmas) but he is back and they seem to be going strong. She told me when I saw her at Christmas (a couple of weeks into going out with him) that she can't remember when she was so happy, she has never felt like this and that she really loves dancing with him (not to make me hurt but because I asked and she was just being earnest). When I spoke to him briefly when we bumped into each other he seemed laid back, cool, he is a few inches taller than me and tanned and also intelligent studying computer science and is bilingual. It aches because I want to show her that I can give her happiness, before we used to go dancing but I was always kind of dancing with myself. I can see how unwanted she felt now.

Obviously I can't undo how she came to view me and our broken relationship. She knows I don't have any friends or any (non-estranged) family left so she told me to go out and get a support network. She also told me not to work on myself, contact her friends or do things for her. When she broke up she was crying to me wanting to be friends (I said 'I don't know!' crying as well) but when I saw her at Christmas she said 'sometimes exes can never be friends', she did ask whether I had been kissing other girls and could 'see the pain in my eyes' so I guess she still does have some feeling for me.

I don't want to be second fiddle (emphasis 'want') but that may be a position I find myself in out of no fault from either of us (or maybe fault from both of us for not communicating or nurturing the relationship we had) but it's not about want. I love her and would do anything to make her smile but I know right now she needs 'space'.

After Christmas she said she would organise to get her things from the apartment I shared with her but I went away by the time she called four days later. The next day her mother called and I told her I would be back on the Monday (five days later) and hoped she was well. When I came back no one contacted me. A week and a half went by so I contacted her sister who sent me a lovely message on NYE.

My ex-partner's birthday was a few days ago so I messaged her sister the day before and told her I would like to give my ex's belongings back to her (the sister) because I know my ex-partner needs space and I thought it would be a nice gesture (especially on her birthday). I told her I could meet her downstairs or elsewhere in case my ex was home (with her mother) so there was no pressure to see her. Her sister was kind asked if I was 'eating my veggies' but said she was busy and to play it by ear. It's been a few days so I guess she may contact me over the weekend. I can't just dump her belongings and leave a message (or put them on a porch in a covered space) because she lives back in the apartment block with her mother (when I guess she isn't at the guy's place). There are about three large bags of clothes and personal effects (so I don't need to organise a removal truck or anything).

On my ex's birthday I sent her a short email wishing her happy birthday and a link to a rolling stone article on a band she likes she responded an hour later 'thanks for the well wishes' and hasn't contacted me.

I haven't been getting much sleep (this morning I woke at 4:30am after a few hours rest) and have next to no appetite. I have been going to the gym and exercising but I am already pretty fit. She told me the issue wasn't physical attraction but that the mental and emotional connection was gone. I understand even if she becomes available again she may never see me as a partner once more but I do want to leave the door open, she still has my heart and I have accepted a life without kids. I have two degrees and a full time job (I don't really like but it is a stable government job and pays the bills) but she was the light in my life and what gave me motivation to get up in the morning.

Kids were always so important to me because I didn't have much family (single child, dad left at a young age, raised by grandparents both deceased) but now (as trite as it sounds) I see it's much more important sharing life with some one you really love and care about.

I know people will say 'plenty of fish in the sea', 'if she really cared about you she would have told you how she felt', 'there is too much damage between you to ever make it work' 'she has moved on and will never want to open the door', 'sunk cost fallacy' I have considered all that. I know No Contact is the fastest way to 'heal' (and is the only thing I can do for at least the next few months to respect her space) but she is the only person I have ever loved and the only thing that keeps me going most days is the faith I have that 'we will meet again some fine day'. I know what went wrong and I know that if we did get back together I would be able to be more open with her, caring and circumspect on how my words (often said to myself in frustration) and actions (not showing her enough affection) effect her.

TL;DR Ex broke up with me six weeks ago, nine year relationship, said relationship for the last few years hadn't been working, is now going out with another guy who seems like a great guy (humble, affectionate, smart, tall, strong, cultured) want to be there for her and get back together one day but I understand the ball is in her court. I know even though she detached from our relationship that she still cares about me but also really wants to make it work with the new guy. When asked at Christmas if I could meet up with her in a few weeks and just go for lunch or something, she told me 'more like months' and 'sometimes exes can never be friends' (but also asked about whether I was kissing other girls and told me she could see how much in pain I was). I understand it may never be 'meant to be' between us but consider her the love of my life and making her happy makes me feel on top of the world.

So even though your gf couldn't have kids you irrationally pressured her to have kids, which made her so depressed and despondent that she left you. Plus over 6 years you showed her very little emotion but you hope she'll come back to you and you show that by bothering her and her family with texts.

You've got to wake up. It's bad enough to find out you can't have kids, but you were torturing her over it as well? Unless she's a glutton for more pain and depression, she's not coming back except to maybe pick up her stuff. Hopefully, you can give your next gf the love and affection your ex-gf deserved but didn't get.

You've got to wake up. It's bad enough to find out you can't have kids, but you were torturing her over it as well? Unless she's a glutton for more pain and depression, she's not coming back except to maybe pick up her stuff. Hopefully, you can give your next gf the love and affection your ex-gf deserved but didn't get.

I have woken up, I did tell her I was blind to my negativity and that it was an 'epiphany' for me but she was *done* (and the next week she was out with the new guy). I understand these are just hollow words for now and it will take months to really walk the talk (and in that time respect her space and not contact her). To evolve and not be that pathetic intolerant boy chucking passive aggressive tantrums (storming off to the other room if we were having an argument or muttering swearing under my breath).

I understand she feels she no longer loves me (even if she does care how I am). I told her I had taken a hard look at myself and can see how demanding I was. I also understand you 'can see the pain in the eyes' of a dying dog that doesn't mean you want to be around it much longer. Even though it is over a month, she was probably detaching for at least six months prior and she is with someone else, I still think feelings are rather fresh considering how long we were together.

She told me during the break up that there was no chance of reconciling and getting back together but I hold out hope. I am making changes; making an effort to be more social and positive about the future even though it is difficult right now. Since the break up I traveled interstate and got a new car as well. I understand by now she has told all her close friends about the break up and probably said it was for the best because she felt down around me, controlled and drained (and now she is with this new guy!)

It will take some months to re-establish contact but the timing of it all was horrible, the struggles with the legal case (and related family issues) and work made me put pressure on her not only through being mean to wash up her things up but also to help do my ironing and cooking (when I said I was busy doing the clothes washing and vacuuming). I justified this as I was the one at work all day and she was going on uni holidays. I can see how inflexible my mindset was even begrudging her eating the biscuits I bought because I was looking forward to eating them! Some of these things may seem petty but I see now how they built resentment, a lack of respect and over the long term amount to putrid behaviour. I can see how she lost all respect for me.

Even though right now she feels she doesn't love me anymore and that it was a bad relationship I think one day we will be able to make it work. It was just a really bad situation I was in (my uncles were abusive, my mother went crazy, my last grandparent died and next thing we are in court for three years - final hearing is in April) and I would probably want to leave me too considering how negative things became (including pressure about kids). I was never violent to her but I guess being depressed and anxious all the time can be just as damaging to a significant other in a different way.

I know getting back with me is the last thing on her mind right now though considering she is showing off and having fun with her new boyfriend. They could last and if it does maybe my feelings will eventually have to come to terms that even though I love her I will never be able to be with her again. Right now I know I have to act like that to progress myself, deep down I feel we will be together again. I don't resent her for leaving as even though I thought it was immature at the time (she wasn't considering counselling and we had been together for so long) and also felt it was a shock (she withheld how she was feeling about our relationship for months but then who could blame her not feeling comfortable discussing it with me when I would moan about her leaving her uni books sprawled about the place?).

I just hope she remembers how supportive I was during her panic attacks, encouraging her study of Spanish (I encouraged her to take up the minor which led to her being placed in the program with her new boyfriend) and even when I moaned about her going away for a trip with girls just before she broke up with me I gave her my camping mat and backpack to use (even though she took my work backpack and not the one I offered which she disputed that I didn't specify which one). Now she probably looks back on all these things as part of some toxic scheme I used to control and manipulate but I genuinely wanted to support her and see her thrive not just 'be nice' so I could keep her under the thumb. I think this will all mellow out and one day we will look back at this time with a sense of sadness but also understanding how things became so crap.

It will be difficult though because there are no mutual friends and she told me her mother said she "could do better" (but why wouldn't she say that when I was such a miserable soul?). I will just have to act casual and in a few months put out that laid back message about catching up, if she doesn't want to don't push it but maybe say 'it's ok if you aren't ready yet'.

It's really hard but I understand how hard it has been for her too (she did have "courage" to break it considering it had been such a long term relationship and she wanted to get married last year) but she has a landing mat (so to speak) with this new guy and all her supportive family and friends around her while I just have myself and some people at work I've told (but they never met her) as I was reliant on her for my emotional/friendship needs as well as relationship. It was too much.

Sometimes the damage done in a relationship is beyond the point of return. Let her go, let her be happy. Move on with your life. It might be a long time to get over her, but you will eventually get over her... and, hopefully, will meet a good woman to love just as much or even more - and who, because of this experience, you won't make the same mistakes with.

Sometimes the damage done in a relationship is beyond the point of return. Let her go, let her be happy. Move on with your life. It might be a long time to get over her, but you will eventually get over her... and, hopefully, will meet a good woman to love just as much or even more - and who, because of this experience, you won't make the same mistakes with.

You are right but I still feel for her and wonder for the future. What if this guy breaks her heart? What if she feels alone again? And I still care for her but because there is the lingering uncertainty she will never feel comfortable to reach out. This is why I think just remaining in touch on a very infrequent basis (after a few months from now) would be good - not that it would suddenly build bonds of attraction or trust just so I wouldn't be compartmentalised in her mind as 'somebody she used to know'.

Like you said I can see what went wrong. I can see it was like I was some sort of conduit for all the stress and crappiness that permeated through the issues i was dealing with related to my family. And when she began to detach all the issues that I was facing trying to preserve a house, contesting a will instead of our issues for our joint future became my issues alone. Then when they became my issues alone because she separated her vision for the future from me, all the angst i expressed suddenly became selfish because she no longer shared my view, shared my struggle. She just saw this pathetic man, flailing about trying to control everything but failing (and in her view) including her. But what she viewed as control I viewed as give and take, as compromise, as demands just as being part of a relationship. But if you don't feel the need to put in any more and somebody is asking you to then you feel bad, and by extension emotionally overwhelmed and controlled to do something you don't want to do. It was never my intent to make her feel bad though again from my perspective I thought she all-in and with me on everything, but the more she detached the more desperate I became for her to help out, the more she didn't feel like she had to and it became a spiral to where it finished in the break up.

I couldn't see it at the time because of the legal cases and work so everything is a shock. There were flags but she never broached it with me direct until she came to me after she went for a trip with her girlfriends for a week. I hope one day though she doesn't look back in anger thinking I'm some kind of controlling jerk, and also not a victim, but a guy who tried his best who wasn't coping well but never stopped caring about sharing a future with her.

So my ex wished me well and hoped I am able to move on from this after I sent her a one page email in late February.

Before Easter about a month ago I messaged her mother asking if I could come around for a cup of tea, she told me she was working over Easter but would let me know when she was free, I said I looked forward to it (it's been a few weeks and there has been no text).

I messaged my ex on WhatApp last week (the first time I've done so, but I saw her online and thought I would reach out) just one sentence asking how her studies were going, if she got any marks back and if she went away for easter. She told me she was 'fine' and that uni was OK. I said if she needed any help with her subjects don't hesitate to ask and to have a great day, she said thanks I hope you are going well too.

She is still going out with the man she met six months before she ended it with me, who I saw the week after she broke up with me.

Despite her mother saying to her she 'could do better' her mother was like a mother to me as I don't have any family to rely on and really would have liked to see her over Easter.

In terms of moving on I don't have any friends and I really saw my life in her, I work a dreary job at the IRS and don't want to be with anyone but her though I know it's not possible.

I built my life around her support and every month that goes by it gets harder and harder. I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas on how things will go from here...

Whether she will do her best to forget me and rub me out of her life altogether. I just don't understand why that must be as we were always there for one another and I don't even miss the physical intimacy all that much. Just little things like going to the shops or listening to music together.

She hasn't blocked me on google hangouts or WhatsApp and I don't want to intrude on her space or make her feel uncomfortable, I understand the short responses indicated she just wanted to be polite and didn't really want to engage so I'm leaving that well alone (Contacts since the break up were 25/12/2017 (last time I had seen her), 2/02/2018 (last time I had seen her mother), 28/02/2018 (last time she has emailed) and 07/04/2018 (first and last time whatsapped). All the contacts have been fairly short - I saw her for less than an hour at Christmas, her mother for about two hours in February, and our exchange was four sentences on WhatsApp.

I really do think we could have made it through, will she ever reach out? If she ends up marrying this guy or is with him for over a year will we ever be close friends again?

Because that's all I guess we can ever be, but even that would mean so much to me.