Whoops, dating error- Jumping the gun- Can you undo it?

I have been dating someone the last 2.5 months and one night (before date 9) a friend questioned what kind of man he was because he had to run to work for a moment before meeting us but didn't tell me and it sent me into a negative/suspicious frame of mind about the person i was dating for absolutely no reason (yes we were at the bar at the time, so alcohol clouds judgement)

Long story short, i was a bit weird/tough around him that night and expelled a few feelings prematurely (I said i knew what i was looking for in general, not sure about him specifically, not too bad)

On date 10 I apologized him for surprising him, it was unfair. At no point had i expected a reply. He said thats ok and actually he likes it (honesty i guess) I should have left it right there.

BUT, I then i went on to say I am always excited to meet up and hoped he was on the same page and generally was still giving out insecure vibes/looking for reassurance when we were not at that stage.

The next day, I sent the dreaded thank you text as i realized i had not said thank you for dinner the previous eve, but then regretted it when i realized it was just too much, my vibe was still stuck.

Things kind of took a turn after this and the contact has become more infrequent (just taking longer to reply to text).

Ive given him space, which i think of as a time to take space for myself, and think about my behavior, what triggered it and when, and thought about his in comparison. My investment became lopsided and ive taken some time to practice mindfulness, which is a new concept for me.

After that comment my friend made, my energy shifted from going with the flow, to worrying about what kind of man he might be, worrying about if hes into me rather than thinking about if HE is right for ME, enjoying the moment and mirroring investment into the pre-relationship. Classic dating error arising from anxiety about "where this is going" I guess.

What id really like now is to take a big step back, and start over in my mind so to speak.

As far as the next date goes, he told me when he was free, and i picked a day but in the eve rather than day and im waiting on a reply that that is ok or not...I feel like hes fading if not gone as he has not confirmed yet.

I wonder if you were on the receiving end of my temporary insanity, would you give me a second chance to slow things down? Should I even mention my error or will that come off needy? I don't want to seem like I'm constantly apologizing. I am a bit of an anxious person and it perplexes me to even write this.

I do have a lot going on in my life and its not the end of the world if I don't get a second chance, but I do like him, and I do realize that i jumped the gun and i feel like a fool for letting it happen. I just hope i can have the chance of giving it a better shot by being true to myself and not getting caught in my own head.

Ouch. . We've all done it, so don't be too hard on yourself.

You are pretty much doing all you can do. You caught yourself in time and are re-correcting not only your actions but your frame of thought.

It's more than most people do, so give yourself some much due credit.

It will just take some time and patience to see if this will run it's course.

Look at it this way - If he was as invested as you seem to be, he'll look past it.

If not. . well then it's better to know now rather than later.

Be patient and sit tight. I know it's hard but it's all you do at this point.

Ouch. . We've all done it, so don't be too hard on yourself.

You are pretty much doing all you can do. You caught yourself in time and are re-correcting not only your actions but your frame of thought.

It's more than most people do, so give yourself some much due credit.

 

It will just take some time and patience to see if this will run it's course.

Look at it this way - If he was as invested as you seem to be, he'll look past it.

If not. . well then it's better to know now rather than later.

 

Be patient and sit tight. I know it's hard but it's all you do at this point.

Thanks for your words. I guess he was not where I was, which is why I realize what I was putting too much pressure/being too eager to find out where I stood instead of paying more attention and generally enjoying each step for what it was. I have learned I just need to pay more attention to what is happening in front of me and how they might be experiencing the relationship, and myself and how I can deal with dating anxiety when it does rear its ugly head. If things do turn around for the better I am sure we will be both stronger because of it, figuring out bumps in the road is important :-) It appears I am a slow learner, I hope its not too late.

 

 

I do have a lot going on in my life and its not the end of the world if I don't get a second chance, but I do like him, and I do realize that i jumped the gun and i feel like a fool for letting it happen. I just hope i can have the chance of giving it a better shot by being true to myself and not getting caught in my own head

 

Is that genuinely how you feel? I asked because there was a but at the end of the sentence. If that's genuinely how you feel well you won half the battle. As I'm sure you realize what's done is done and unfortunately there is no magic trick to take back coming on too strong or showing too much insecurity. But that's ok because it's a lesson learned! One of the best lessons I learned is to not take advice from drunk girlfriends, lol . Another thing I learned is it's always best to sit on statements that are emotion based. If anything type it and send it to yourself and sit on it for 24 hours, after your anxiety passes if you still want to send it cool, typically after I wait, I have no desire to send it. It was my anxiety talking, not me.

If things do turn around for the better I am sure we will be both stronger because of it, figuring out bumps in the road is important :-) It appears I am a slow learner, I hope its not too late.

Has he expressed wanting to be in an exclusive relationship yet? If not this line of thinking is putting the cart ahead of the horse and isn't going to help your anxiety one bit. Please try to keep things in perspective, appreciate him in the here and now, not your potential future. Too soon for that, you're setting yourself up for disappointment anxiety and frustration.

Why would your so-called friend try to create worry when there was no reason to? Because the guy had to unexpectedly stop by work before he met up with you? Is your friend the jealous type?

Has he expressed wanting to be in an exclusive relationship yet? If not this line of thinking is putting the cart ahead of the horse and isn't going to help your anxiety one bit. Please try to keep things in perspective, appreciate him in the here and now, not your potential future. Too soon for that, you're setting yourself up for disappointment anxiety and frustration.

Nope, and you are totally right. I dont know what kind of time frame to expect this kind of convo?

I have seen him this week for group drinks (happened to be around the same place same time) and we are texting/calling again, but we have not figured out a time when we are both free. He said when he was free, but i was not free, and asked if the eve of his suggested day would work, but he was working. I suggested another day but again, working. I've dropped it, he can initiate this time, otherwise Im assuming hes over it and moving on, it feels kinda crappy thinking about it.

Why would your so-called friend try to create worry when there was no reason to? Because the guy had to unexpectedly stop by work before he met up with you? Is your friend the jealous type?

No, not jealous, she hadn't met him before and knows I have had some colorful experiences in the past - it was the first time he was to meet any of my friends. I guess she was projecting her own boy issues onto me? Because things are new, and in still the grey area for me, the passing comment just got to me, she had no idea but said later that she should not have said that when i told her about the rest of the night.

The main thing i guess is lacking is communication. If hes busy, just say so and that we will figure something out, or if hes not interested, just say it, don't see it going further or whatever. So perhaps, as nice as things were, hes not good for me as I'm pretty easy as long as i know whats up.

Turns out his absence and lack of plan making lately has nothing to do with me.

The ex is still trying to contact him despite his efforts to not engage her.

If it were me I'd block her number but I get it history/feelings...guilt.

He doesn't want her but is not in a place to be what I want (understandable)

It's horribly disappointing as I had no idea I was competing against ghosts essentially. But at least I know. I am walking away regretfully. I've been in a place of closeness with non commitment and it does make you feel like your never enough.

I told him I want him to be happy, figure out what he wants and if he's ever ready to see if I'm still around, but in the meantime I'll be looking for a meaningful connection and wished him luck.

I had a fabulous evening, he was everything I ever wanted -probably because the pressure/guilt was gone and he apologized for not telling me sooner but he was really enjoying my company (I was too I guess)

So bit of a sad ending but hopefully I've given myself the best chance of a loving future whether he finds his way back ready or I find someone else with an open heart who is a good match. Ive learned a lot of patience and in the process I wrote a very short lost of values I have for relationships that are not negotiable. So I'm reall sad and want to eat pie , but feeling accomplished.

Thank you for updating. I'm glad you two had a resolution. You can walk away now.

Me personally though? I wouldn't leave that door open. I don't think it would be beneficial to you because of your... premature connection... and as you said if he's been dating you for 2.5 months why is an ex still in contact with him? So he's rebounding, and you're collateral damage? That's not exactly a dream boat in my eyes.

Maybe I'm weird, maybe I don't understand it because I've never really expiereinced it,I just can't imagine ending a budding relationship with potential because of an ex contacting you.

I think you are in good shape, lesson learned. A little bump but now you're ready for someone fully ready for you.

I dunno, I guess he hasn't had a period of full no contact because she keeps calling to totally sever the connection. Maybe he thought he was ready and realized things were still a bit of a mess his head. Who knows. It doesn't really matter. What matters is he is not in a place to offer the full experience right now, which is why I decided to end it. (not him)

If things were different and there was no ex involved I believe things would have played out much more easily, but as I said to him, I will not be waiting around but moving forward looking for that meaningful connection (relationship) so I wouldn't say the door is open as such. It's of no benefit to me leave it open as I don't know what will happen, if he would ever come around, or who else I might meet in the meantime ;-)