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Thread: My first child, his second

  1. #1

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    My first child, his second

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 years. We love each other dearly and we are currently saving for a deposit towards buying a mortgage.

    We have both spoken about the future and are excited to buy a house together, he's said he wants to marry me and we've discussed (multiple times) having kids together when we've settled into a new home and he is very enthusiastic about it, as he loves kids.

    The thing i'm worrying about is that he already has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship who he sees every weekend. He is a great dad, makes a lot of effort and loves his son dearly.
    I am worried that when we eventually have a child/children together he won't be as excited, and won't feel the same excitement as me, as it will be my first and I guess he's already been there and done that.

    He has reassured me that he will be just as excited, if not more so than the first time because he will be having his first child with ME and it will be a completely new experience for him too, having a child with someone he loves. Also he is excited that he will get to see his child every day. I can't keep asking for the same reassurance, it's not fair on him, but I don't know how to get over these negative thoughts that he won't be as excited.

    I could understand my feeling this way if he had said he's not sure about having more kids etc, but he has said he 100% wants kids with me.

    I guess I just can't help feeling a slight jealousy that he's already been through the experience with someone else. He also told me that he had always wanted a son, so I figure that his ex has given him something I never can, his first son, which upsets me a little but obviously I can't change anything.

    But I know that he will be an amazing dad to whatever children he has, it just feels a bit deflating that it will be an entirely new experience for me, and not for him.

    Has anyone been in this situation before?

  2. #2
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    I haven't been through Tis experience myself, but had a friend who did. She ended up married to him and they had 2 daughters. She became obsessed with having a son with him as he had with his first wife.

    What became noticeable to me and sone other people was that the second wife became so jealous and obsessed that she canpme to HATE the little boy from the first marriage. She couldn't bear that little boy staying at their hone every second weekend. None of us could reason with her. One day I said, "This is a 6 year old boy you are talking about here." Our friendship wasn't quite the same as that. Not here is more that happened after that between her and her husband after that - and not much of it good. They divorced.

    Before you go any further, you need to think how you would handle such a situation. How are you with his son. If you carry your feelings of jealousy over to the son, best thing you can do is leave the relationship ASAP. If you can't get over this and it grows, you shouldn't be having children with him. BTW, the last I heard while they were still married was that the husband pretty much relinquished his young son from the first marriage because of his second wife's obsession. I think that there would have been people happy when that marriage ended because a lot of people felt badly for his son.

    I think you should believe what he says and move on. If you can't do that easily, that is a very very bad sign for everyone. Move on because it won't get better if you can't just let go of it now.

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    Originally Posted by Silverbirch
    I haven't been through Tis experience myself, but had a friend who did. She ended up married to him and they had 2 daughters. She became obsessed with having a son with him as he had with his first wife.

    What became noticeable to me and sone other people was that the second wife became so jealous and obsessed that she canpme to HATE the little boy from the first marriage. She couldn't bear that little boy staying at their hone every second weekend. None of us could reason with her. One day I said, "This is a 6 year old boy you are talking about here." Our friendship wasn't quite the same as that. Not here is more that happened after that between her and her husband after that - and not much of it good. They divorced.

    Before you go any further, you need to think how you would handle such a situation. How are you with his son. If you carry your feelings of jealousy over to the son, best thing you can do is leave the relationship ASAP. If you can't get over this and it grows, you shouldn't be having children with him. BTW, the last I heard while they were still married was that the husband pretty much relinquished his young son from the first marriage because of his second wife's obsession. I think that there would have been people happy when that marriage ended because a lot of people felt badly for his son.

    I think you should believe what he says and move on. If you can't do that easily, that is a very very bad sign for everyone. Move on because it won't get better if you can't just let go of it now.
    Thanks for your response. Please be aware that my issue and reason for writing this post is not because I am jealous of his son or have a problem with my other half having a child, me and his son have a great relationship, we get on very well and always go out and do things together the 3 of us. I have accepted his son from the very start and he will always be a part of our family and I will see him as my own.

    My anxiety is stemming from the fact that I am worried my other half will not be as excited about our future children being born because he has experienced it once already. My problem is not with his son, his ex, or him. It is just a thought I seem to worry about and I think a lot of women in the same situation would say the same.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member sara-pezzini's Avatar
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    Well the simplest thing is people who have multiple children... do they love their second or third or fourth any less?

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    Originally Posted by miffy23
    Thanks for your response. Please be aware that my issue and reason for writing this post is not because I am jealous of his son or have a problem with my other half having a child, me and his son have a great relationship, we get on very well and always go out and do things together the 3 of us. I have accepted his son from the very start and he will always be a part of our family and I will see him as my own.

    My anxiety is stemming from the fact that I am worried my other half will not be as excited about our future children being born because he has experienced it once already. My problem is not with his son, his ex, or him. It is just a thought I seem to worry about and I think a lot of women in the same situation would say the same.
    That's a. Positive sign you are. Not jealous or resentful of his do. And that you are inclusive of him.

    I think it is likely that your partner will be very very happy about having a child with you. I think you need to be careful that you don't misinterpret his happiness as not being as great if you think it is different to your own. I think that he will possibly enjoy it more than the first time, and will have realistic expectations. The first time can actually be scarey at times for parents because it's all so new, and with each additional child, parents are often more relaxed, but that shouldn't be confused that he isn't excited, happy and welcoming.

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    The following analogy occurred to me. And I share because it's all about expectations -which often lead to disappointment/resentment. I've been pregnant one time in my life and i was in my early 40s and so was my boyfriend at the time. It was planned and we'd also planned to marry. I took a positive pregnancy test in front of him at his place and we were so so excited. But since we'd tried for so long and I was so worried, being older, about miscarriage, I just couldn't wait to get it confirmed by a blood test. I didn't get the positive results until 4 days later and all was well. As soon as the doctor called me, the next call was to my boyfriend -I was overcome with excitement that it was confirmed. He knew I likely would call and he had a business lunch. I was so disappointed that he didn't step out just to take the call -that he didn't feel my excitement and want to know ASAP that we were actually pregnant. But to him, he already felt secure that I was pregnant, and he didn't want to be rude to his colleague.

    That was 8 years ago and I still remember that feeling. He was totally excited over being a father and still is! But take a step back and understand that -even putting gender aside- even if this was his first you can't assume he'll react just like you with the same level of excitement. And yes I do believe that when it's a biological child the woman experiences it differently - seems like common sense to me.

    Best wishes on a continued healthy pregnancy and congratulations on your marriage plans (we married when I was in my 3rd trimester!).

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    The following analogy occurred to me. And I share because it's all about expectations -which often lead to disappointment/resentment. I've been pregnant one time in my life and i was in my early 40s and so was my boyfriend at the time. It was planned and we'd also planned to marry. I took a positive pregnancy test in front of him at his place and we were so so excited. But since we'd tried for so long and I was so worried, being older, about miscarriage, I just couldn't wait to get it confirmed by a blood test. I didn't get the positive results until 4 days later and all was well. As soon as the doctor called me, the next call was to my boyfriend -I was overcome with excitement that it was confirmed. He knew I likely would call and he had a business lunch. I was so disappointed that he didn't step out just to take the call -that he didn't feel my excitement and want to know ASAP that we were actually pregnant. But to him, he already felt secure that I was pregnant, and he didn't want to be rude to his colleague.

    That was 8 years ago and I still remember that feeling. He was totally excited over being a father and still is! But take a step back and understand that -even putting gender aside- even if this was his first you can't assume he'll react just like you with the same level of excitement. And yes I do believe that when it's a biological child the woman experiences it differently - seems like common sense to me.

    Best wishes on a continued healthy pregnancy and congratulations on your marriage plans (we married when I was in my 3rd trimester!).
    Thank you for your response. It's nice to hear that everything has worked out well for you despite your worries during your pregnancy.
    Sometimes it helps to hear other people's perspectives and get advice from people who we don't know personally, because they just tell it how it is without fear of offending or upsetting you.

    The advice so far has helped me, thank you!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I don't think there's any real beating around the bush about it. There's an intrinsic sense of novelty that comes with something happening for the first time. For better (excited) or for worse (anxious), he's most likely not going to share those same sense of arousal as with his first son. But I think a brilliant point that's been made is to not conflate the sense of arousal with happiness or otherwise looking forward to the occasion.

    If you wanted someone who you really wanted to share the more "omg, omg" feeling, you'd have been better off with someone who didn't already have a child. Still, what do you get for having chosen a man who does have one? You get someone who's familiar with the more general aspects of pregnancy, who's theoretically better equipped when it comes to the physical and physiological ramifications, who's familiar with how things go in the hospital and who can better coordinate. And simple logistics and being in a better position to more fully empathize aside, he knows the love he has for a child, and knows the awesome feeling that awaits with the new child. And, if you'd like something to feel special about, if he's a great and loving father to his current son, I can guarantee you he's looking forward to someone he loves, cares, and feels responsible for that much being physically in his life every day... not just weekends. It's highly likely that nothing trumps the happiness he feels toward that prospect.

    It sounds like all of this has been successfully internalized and you haven't gone off on him at all with your insecurities over it, so big kudos to you. Stay healthy and best of luck with the pregnancy.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Most sane people donít love their children less that are born second. You love your 15th every bit as much as your first.

    A question..do you have siblings? Are you born first in the middle or last ? Or are you an only child ?

    One of my pregnancies my husband was almost doing cartwheels down the driveway he was so excited when he found out . And that was not our first child .

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Most sane people donít love their children less that are born second. You love your 15th every bit as much as your first.

    A question..do you have siblings? Are you born first in the middle or last ? Or are you an only child ?

    One of my pregnancies my husband was almost doing cartwheels down the driveway he was so excited when he found out . And that was not our first child .
    Hi, I am the middle child of 3 and no my parents don't love me any less. I just mean, will the experience be as special for my other half, as it was for his first child?

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