Ending a friendship

Hi,

I need some advice on ending my friendship with my best friend. I love her, but I gotta end it. It’s the only thing that will help me get my life back. So what are some ways I can end this friendship on a good note? Please help

Well, you didn't talk about the circumstances about why you want to end things with your best friend, but I would think you could do the usual. Don't answer her texts as soon as she texts you. Perhaps limit it to 2 a day and you can tell her you're busy. If she tries to get you to come out and play, maybe play with her once a week but then say you're busy the other 6 days of the week. Just keep rationing your relationship with her. If she asks, say your mother doesn't want you to hang out with her, or you have things you just have to do, or you just have to rest. Some good excuse. And then both she and you can expand your friendships because you have time to do that.

Hmmmmmm, I think it would be better to use your words. Having someone quietly check out like that is awful.

But however you word it it’s going to be awkward. Do you still want to see her sometimes or just be done with it?

I want to end the friendship because I’m in love with her. We are both women. She’s straight, I always have been but now I’m in love with her and I don’t know how it happened. I can’t tell anyone and it’s been years. I can’t keep this secret any longer and I can’t handle the pain of unrequited love because it’s ruining my life. It’s torture and excruciating. I need to end things.

I want to end the friendship because I’m in love with her. We are both women. She’s straight, I always have been but now I’m in love with her and I don’t know how it happened. I can’t tell anyone and it’s been years. I can’t keep this secret any longer and I can’t handle the pain of unrequited love because it’s ruining my life. It’s torture and excruciating. I need to end things.

I think that sounds like a good place to start. Say exactly all of that.

I can’t. She doesn’t know I’m in love with her and I don’t want to tell her.

Why not be honest with your friend and tell her you have feelings for her and don't think you can continue on with the friendship since it would be too painful for you? Are you afraid she would judge you?

Have you had discussion with her to understand her attitudes towards gay relationships?

I don't necessarily believe that you have to tell her how you feel about her, but if there is no chance that she is bisexual or gay, I think that at least for a while - a long while - that you need to not see so much of her.

So, instead of admitting what the problem is, giving her an understanding of what is going on with you and your need to move away from the relationship because it is causing you grief, you are going to ghost her, blank her and leave her wondering what just happened?

Are either or both of you in currently in straight relationships? What caused this shift from friendship to sexual attraction?

I want to end the friendship because I’m in love with her. We are both women. She’s straight, I always have been but now I’m in love with her and I don’t know how it happened.

Why not be honest with your friend and tell her you have feelings for her and don't think you can continue on with the friendship since it would be too painful for you? Are you afraid she would judge you?

Yes I’m terrified she would judge me. I’m scared she would end the friendship...I’d rather end it myself on a good note then having her end it because of me being in love with her 😔

Have you had discussion with her to understand her attitudes towards gay relationships?

Not really but I know she’s ok with all of that. I just don’t think she’d ever change her mind even though sometimes I feel like maybe one day... sometimes I get so confused. She confuses me. She has no idea of my feelings though.

I don't necessarily believe that you have to tell her how you feel about her, but if there is no chance that she is bisexual or gay, I think that at least for a while - a long while - that you need to not see so much of her.

I don’t think there’s a chance of her being bisexual but sometimes she makes comments that give me hope. She has no idea how I feel. But other times I feel like there will never be a chance for me because she loves men,

So, instead of admitting what the problem is, giving her an understanding of what is going on with you and your need to move away from the relationship because it is causing you grief, you are going to ghost her, blank her and leave her wondering what just happened?

I’d rather do that because if I told her I’m scared she would ghost me anyways.

Are either or both of you in currently in straight relationships? What caused this shift from friendship to sexual attraction?

No, we are both single right now. I haven’t been with anyone in years. She’s been dating different guys off and on but has been single for a while. Most recently she met some guy on Instagram a few months ago and he lives in a different state. She’s flying down to see him and honestly I feel sick to my stomach from the pain and hurtt I’m goinf through. Just thinking of her spending 3 days with him and staying with him is killing me. I can’t stop thinking about it. She’s leaving today and I haven’t been able to sleep. I just can’t stand the fact that she will be with him and kissing him and all.

Another reason it hurts me so much is because she’s given me hope. She doesn’t know how I feel but sometimes when we drink together she’ll say things or kiss me and then I start to feel like maybe someday it will happen for me. But that’s probably just me reading too much into something that doesn’t mean anything to her 😔

There’s no more honourable reason than the one you have to dial back to no contact.

 

Another reason it hurts me so much is because she’s given me hope. She doesn’t know how I feel but sometimes when we drink together she’ll say things or kiss me and then I start to feel like maybe someday it will happen for me. But that’s probably just me reading too much into something that doesn’t mean anything to her 😔

What types of things does she say that give you hope?

It could be cultural or just personal differences, but I'm hetero and the only time I recall kissing my girlfriends is their birthdays, or something like that, and it is only ever on the cheek.

What types of things does she say that give you hope?

 

It could be cultural or just personal differences, but I'm hetero and the only time I recall kissing my girlfriends is their birthdays, or something like that, and it is only ever on the cheek.

She has kissed me, and I mean like make out kissing not just a peck on the cheek or lips. Of course it’s been during drunk times, but not only while being out, also when we have been laying in bed before going to sleep. She has held my hand under the table at bars a couple times. She once made a comment when she was drunk about how she’d go down on me. And another time she said something along the lines being together I can’t remember the exact comment cuz it was a few years ago. There was one time about 3 years ago when we were drunk and on the couch and we kissed and then it kinda turned into touching a bit but it didn’t get further than that. But thinking about all those things just drive me crazy cuz it makes me question things like would I ever have a chance? Did those things mean anything at all? It drives me insane.

I think she is gay or bisexual,, but maybe not fully come to terms with it yet as it sounds like she has only showed that side of herself to you when she is intoxicated. I've never done anything like that with female friends, even way back when I was younger and did drink. More to the point, I have never wanted to - so I think she is gay or bisexual.

I think she is gay or bisexual,, but maybe not fully come to terms with it yet as it sounds like she has only showed that side of herself to you when she is intoxicated. I've never done anything like that with female friends, even way back when I was younger and did drink. More to the point, I have never wanted to - so I think she is gay or bisexual.

See and that’s why I’m so confused. Because when she’s not intoxicated she doesn’t say or do things like that. So it throws me off. She’s always talking to men and loves hooking up with men and she even flew out of the state to go meet a guy she’s been talking to that she met on social media. She seems 100% straight to me when she is sober but then all those things that I said have gotten my hopes up come back to my head and it just makes me so confused and makes me feel like maybe, just maybe one day it will happen for me and I’ll get a chance so it makes me wanna keep the friendship but if I have no chance ever, I wanna end it because I don’t think I’ll get over her. It’s so damn hard and painful.

Yes I’m terrified she would judge me. I’m scared she would end the friendship...I’d rather end it myself on a good note then having her end it because of me being in love with her 😔

I have been reading a few of your other comments to other posters questions here and your answers. I can see why you are confused on this issue because of her past passes at you ( making out with you when drunk, holding hands, etc) Do you think if she was sober she would have done all of that with you or do you think it's only the "drunk goggles" talking??

I think you should definitely be upfront with her and point out those behaviors she has done with you when she was drunk and see if there was any truth to those at all. Does she have feelings for you at all? That is something I would ask. Just tell her how you feel and see how she reponds to it. That is the only way you will know for sure if she feels the same way or not. If she doesn't can you continue to be her friend?

If she is a true friend I don't think she would judge you, if you were interested in other girls before and you two have been friends for a while I am sure she would have noticed you are gay or have an interest in women unless you hide that part of yourself very well and she hasn't noticed. It's always scary to tell someone how you feel because you don't know how they will react. Do you really want to lose her as a friend though despite your strong feelings for her? If not, then I think you will have to be honest with her and if she doesn't accept then maybe some distance for a while until your feelings subside would be beneficial and you can remain friends in the future.

You can try saying something like, " Hey (whatever her name is) Do you have time to talk? This has been on my mind a lot lately and I would like some clairifcation about these incidents. When we have hung out at the bar I remember we made out, held hands, etc and I was wondering if there were any geniune feelings toward me based on those actions? I'm a bit nervous to admit this to you but I have been having feelings for you for a while now." And see where it goes from there. This is just a suggestion.

See and that’s why I’m so confused. Because when she’s not intoxicated she doesn’t say or do things like that. So it throws me off. She’s always talking to men and loves hooking up with men and she even flew out of the state to go meet a guy she’s been talking to that she met on social media. She seems 100% straight to me when she is sober but then all those things that I said have gotten my hopes up come back to my head and it just makes me so confused and makes me feel like maybe, just maybe one day it will happen for me and I’ll get a chance so it makes me wanna keep the friendship but if I have no chance ever, I wanna end it because I don’t think I’ll get over her. It’s so damn hard and painful.

I can see why that would be confusing to you, but I still think she is bisexual or gay. I suspect that she won't fess up when she is sober - not for a while anyway.

What if you told her you are gay, but didn't go so far as to tell her about how you feel about her. Could you cope with that. If you are gay, and the worste scenario and you don't get together with her, you are not likely to want to be with a man. At some point, with or without her, you are going to want to lead your life as a gay woman.

Ps TBH, even though I don't feel sexually attracted to women, but do to some men, emotionally, I relate much more clisely to women than I generally do to men because if the samenesses. Men baffle me a lot if the tine, and often I dislike a lot of what they do. Unfortunately sometimes, I'm physically attracted to some men, but not to women.