Need Advice...confusing behavior

So I have been dating a new guy for 6 weeks (have posted about it before). Things, I thought, were going quite well, and I was about 80-90% sure I would want to be in a relationship with this person, and wondering when to have the official talk. I thought maybe at about three months, I would be sure.

Last night, he came over, cooked me some delicious food, did me some favors, had amazing intense sex, and got dressed to leave (he has an early AM class). This is around midnight. Then, out of nowhere, he starts talking about serious relationships and how he cannot be in one and he's not a "relationship guy." It was a word vomit filled with fear and anxiety. He told me a mix of how he was heartbroken five years ago and has since sworn off relationships. How he has a wall he built and he feels resistance and fear inside him to let someone else get close to him again (body stance extremely guarded, distant and arms crossed). How he feels like he would be too selfish and can't make decisions considering the feelings of another person. How he works too much. He seemed to have spun himself out dreading the responsibility of a relationship as well as fearing getting close to someone again for the first time in a long time. But, also, confusingly, that he is exclusive with me and plans to stay that way. I just sat there confused and stunned as to what had triggered this (I didn't bring up a relationship in any way, ever), and I said things to the effect of, what does this mean for us, and I guess things have to change (we were both very drunk and it was past midnight so having this conversation was very challenging for me). He responded in a "what are you talking about?" kind of way, like he didn't intend his relationship-poopoo to mean anything was going to change between us. He said nothing will change and he made a couple plans on the spot for this week.

So I'm like huh. Then, he grabs me, and after just having had lots of sex and being about to leave, has sex with me, intensely, again and again and again. Off and on for like 4 hours, from 1 am to 5 am. Misses his class. It was to the point where it became physically painful for him before he stopped. He leaves, tells me he will call tomorrow. And today, this person who the whole time I have known him has been pretty weak at keeping in touch / communication, has been texting me all day, more responsive and engaged than ever. I mentioned we need to talk about last night (meaning we should have a call) and he leveraged it to a date, and minimized it again to mean nothing.

I'm planning to tell him this whole let's be in a relationship but not call it one thing is not going to work for me, and it's a deal breaker and I'll walk away. He seems to have clear intimacy issues which I'm more than happy to work with but not if it's for nothing? I don't know if I'm being too harsh and feeling confused.

Just some background: he came at me super aggressively for the first 5 weeks and had to work a lot and went a bit cold/distant the last week. He repeatedly made plans with me this past week that he had to cancel for work, and I could tell he felt self conscious that he should be spending more time with me. He admitted to me that he got spooked and pulled away, and that the way I handled it was "perfect" (not needy/negative, but understanding and sweet). I can't tell if the work guilt thing triggered this, or the fact we spent NYE together with all his close friends and it was too much for him. I think 90% of all our interactions have been initiated by him, including NYE. He is definitely the loner type. Also sensitive and guarded.

I'd love any interpretation / advice, especially from men

No offense, but It appears that you put the cart before the horse, (imo). The time to judge someone's stability and relationship potential is before you sleep with them, which also eliminates the question of "Where do we stand?"

Again JMO, and to each their own...

Is he willing to go and speak to a psychologist about his commitment conflicts?

If yes, and he actually goes and does that, you may cautiously proceed. If no cut and run, do you really want a relationship with someone entirely in their terms and at their whim?

Is he willing to go and speak to a psychologist about his commitment conflicts?

 

If yes, and he actually goes and does that, you may cautiously proceed. If no cut and run, do you really want a relationship with someone entirely in their terms and at their whim?

There’s no way I can tell a person I’ve known six weeks to see a psychologist. I wouldn’t even say that to my closest friend.

You've already mentioned that you want to talk. If he's set a date, then talk about it with him on the date. I wouldn't strongarm him, I'd just ask him what he thinks about the stuff he said and then listen. Without interrupting. Cutting him off to lead the convo where you want it to go just robs you of valuable information. Let him talk through whatever he wants to say about it while you remain silent, and learn where he stands.

I always say watch the feet not the lips with one exception. If he tells you he doesn't want a relationship (with you- fill that in) then believe him and accept it 100%. No more talking. If he didn't want to risk some other guy snapping up his special lady he'd want to make sure you knew he intended this to be a potentially serious thing. We're all afraid/all have history of being hurt - but either we choose generally to get over it or we meet someone and realize we want to choose the person over fear. He's been honest, I'd stop right here and keep having sex only if you're comfortable with casual sex.

Leave the analyzing to a therapist. Tell him you like him, you are looking for something potentially serious and he can call you if he resolves his doubts/fears, etc and is sure he wants a potentially serious relationship with you. Tell him to please not contact you unless he feels that way and not on a whim or impulse as you need to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do.

I like this advice. Thanks. I should use this talk as intel gathering and make a decision based on the intel I get.

The way he's acting, I think he may have said too much about his honest anxieties and fears while drunk and is trying to soften it / backpedal. It was definitely a red flag and could kill the whole thing if I get the same message.

Just bumping this since I am about to have this "talk" tomorrow and feel kind of lost. I feel more resolute in my original stance of hell no I am not settling for a non-relationship relationship (as I like to call it) and feel a bit turned off that he even displayed the fear/hesitance. So I'm kind of prepping myself to go into this tomorrow, guns blazing, like "uh uh I don't settle for that. All or nothing. I'm out if you don't want something serious" but the signals he's given me since he said these "bad news" words continue to confuse/soften me. It's almost like he released some anxiety/pressure and feels like he can pursue me again without it threatening his livelihood/independence (why do men have such a fear of relationships?!? ?) He's asked me out and he's a "totally!! absolutely!" response to us seeing each other. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here, like, erm, I'm not planning to have like a blast together, I'm planning to have a talk and potentially end it... like why are you not realizing that you said things that could end this...

I don't know if this makes sense. How can he say that and literally have no comprehension/intent of it pushing me away or creating any distance between us? I don't understand men.

Just bumping this since I am about to have this "talk" tomorrow and feel kind of lost. I feel more resolute in my original stance of hell no I am not settling for a non-relationship relationship (as I like to call it) and feel a bit turned off that he even displayed the fear/hesitance. So I'm kind of prepping myself to go into this tomorrow, guns blazing, like "uh uh I don't settle for that. All or nothing. I'm out if you don't want something serious" but the signals he's given me since he said these "bad news" words continue to confuse/soften me. It's almost like he released some anxiety/pressure and feels like he can pursue me again without it threatening his livelihood/independence (why do men have such a fear of relationships?!? ?) He's asked me out and he's a "totally!! absolutely!" response to us seeing each other. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here, like, erm, I'm not planning to have like a blast together, I'm planning to have a talk and potentially end it... like why are you not realizing that you said things that could end this...

 

I don't know if this makes sense. How can he say that and literally have no comprehension/intent of it pushing me away or creating any distance between us? I don't understand men.

I'd rethink the guns blazing idea. If the guy potentially means enough to invest in a conversation in the first place, then why hit him with a sledge hammer? Nobody responds well to that, so it would just play out as your worst case scenario and waste your time.

If you're willing to make room for the idea that the guy was confiding in you about his anxiety with drunken blather, then approach him with the same level of care and concern in your heart that you would bring to anyone else suffering anxieties of their own. This will enable you to find out more--without coming off as a shrew, which would only shut him down in the same manner it would shut down anyone else.

If you're more invested in guarding your heart, then why play? You could just shut him down from afar and spare yourself the regret of coming off as heavy handed only to sabotage any shot you might have had at learning anything.

If you don't want to learn, then skip the talk. If you DO want to learn, then dial back the defenses and enjoy your date--OUT, not in bed--and ask gentle questions to encourage him to address the things he said that concern you. Let him finish his sentences without pouncing, and you may find him leading himself back around to a place that's more welcome to you. If not, you'll have learned that the guy is not a good match for you, and you can reach for your best dignity as you exit this thing in a way you'll be proud of later.

Head high.

I'd rethink the guns blazing idea. If the guy potentially means enough to invest in a conversation in the first place, then why hit him with a sledge hammer? Nobody responds well to that, so it would just play out as your worst case scenario and waste your time.

 

If you're willing to make room for the idea that the guy was confiding in you about his anxiety with drunken blather, then approach him with the same level of care and concern in your heart that you would bring to anyone else suffering anxieties of their own. This will enable you to find out more--without coming off as a shrew, which would only shut him down in the same manner it would shut down anyone else.

 

If you're more invested in guarding your heart, then why play? You could just shut him down from afar and spare yourself the regret of coming off as heavy handed only to sabotage any shot you might have had at learning anything.

 

If you don't want to learn, then skip the talk. If you DO want to learn, then dial back the defenses and enjoy your date--OUT, not in bed--and ask gentle questions to encourage him to address the things he said that concern you. Let him finish his sentences without pouncing, and you may find him leading himself back around to a place that's more welcome to you. If not, you'll have learned that the guy is not a good match for you, and you can reach for your best dignity as you exit this thing in a way you'll be proud of later.

 

Head high.

Amazing advice. Thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful reply. I definitely do want to learn and I’m not at all the “slow fade” type, especially if I’m genuinely lost as to what the hell he was saying or was trying to tell me. I’m trying to drive to certainty and answers, and if I feel certain that he’s too much an uphill battle, I want to run. I must admit my own anxieties of getting hurt and trying to prevent it is probably causing the flight response. I’ll try not to be pedantic hostile or interrogate him. So hard!! Guess I’ll just let him do the talking.

Amazing advice. Thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful reply. I definitely do want to learn and I’m not at all the “slow fade” type, especially if I’m genuinely lost as to what the hell he was saying or was trying to tell me. I’m trying to drive to certainty and answers, and if I feel certain that he’s too much an uphill battle, I want to run. I must admit my own anxieties of getting hurt and trying to prevent it is probably causing the flight response. I’ll try not to be pedantic hostile or interrogate him. So hard!! Guess I’ll just let him do the talking.

When someone sees potential with you and wants to date you and explore that potential you will not need to analyze.

When someone sees potential with you and wants to date you and explore that potential you will not need to analyze.

Yeah, all the late night crying sex sessions, equal squat if it's followed by 'but I can't date you'

And unfortunately coming in guns blazing equals squat if his wounded puppy act is working on you.

Tread carefully. This much drama this early isn't a good sign.

So I have been dating a new guy for 6 weeks (have posted about it before). Things, I thought, were going quite well, and I was about 80-90% sure I would want to be in a relationship with this person, and wondering when to have the official talk. I thought maybe at about three months, I would be sure.

 

I'd love any interpretation / advice, especially from men

You want the advice from a man... He's using you just for sex, with no strings attached (relationship). You come across as inexperienced, with no clear plan leading to a relationship. He's filling your head with junk, hoping that things continue as they are.

It's too late for "the talk", but if you insist on going through with it, you should eliminate the sex, stop the drinking, go back to dating and see how he reacts. Go by his following actions and not his words. Have the fortitude to move on if you're really serious about a relationship.

Maybe my view is too simplistic. It sounds like he wants sex without commitment. He sounds like a young me. Once you get the prize, you stop working. Make enough promises to keep them around for sex, but don't promise them too much. Manipulating women for sex is unfortunately too easy sometimes.

I've grown up now. Mostly.

Believe him.

So I have been dating a new guy for 6 week. he starts talking about serious relationships and how he cannot be in one and he's not a "relationship guy."

I just wanted to update this thread and thank you guys for the advice.

He facetimed me that Friday night for several hours and told me a lot of sweet/encouraging things like "I don't want to do anything to f*ck this up...you're sooo amazing...I want to stay on this train as long as possible...I have been bragging about you to all my friends...do you think your parents would like me? etc etc" It just caused me more anxiety/impatience to get to the damn answer of what is going on here, so the next day when I saw him for our date, I sat him down and had a serious conversation about the relationship etc. Long story short, he told me the same stuff but with a much grander sob story. He cried about how he was such a giver in the past in relationships and got dumped repeatedly, and turned anti relationship and doesn't know if he will ever be in one again (I believe him). And I was like, well, I've been hurt continuing to date someone for YEARS without a label or commitment, so, no can do. We were both kinda like durrr ok then guess we have a no-work, lockout situation. He drove me home and asked me if he's still allowed to hangout with me without sex, and I said "sure doesn't have to be dramatic." And that's it. I have taken it as the end.

I haven't initiated contact or seen him since (it was a week ago). He texted me trying to break the ice on Friday and seeing what I'm doing. He said he wanted to check in because he thought we left off "weird" and he didn't know what to do. I said same, and we had a normal convo.

I feel defensive and disappointed, and I don't know what will happen, but I will DEFINITELY not be having sex with or giving him any emotional warmth/support, without commitment. I feel a bit extreme for suddenly cutting it off at the legs at the first sign of commitment hesitation, but I think the alternative of hanging around trying to change him or hoping the situation morphs is worse. It all feels like a whiplash that never happened, because he seemed so promising and sweet and invested, then all of a sudden the magic words "I don't want a relationship." I ran for the hills basically.

Very difficult to trust any action or word of men as sincere, I must say. I feel like a rich dude that has a bunch of gold diggers following him around being nice to him to get his money, and he finds out they weren't really into him only after they go on a shopping spree. It's just a risk of being a woman and dating, and I have to say a much greater risk if you're an attractive woman. It's all made even harder by the fact that there are many women that agree to hookups and casual dating, so many men, especially if they're charming/attractive/successful, can get away with it forever. Luckily, I have figured out how not be invested/attached until I know the "truth" through the relationship convo, so I feel relatively unphased and just kinda dead inside from all this.

Then, out of nowhere, he starts talking about serious relationships and how he cannot be in one and he's not a "relationship guy." It was a word vomit filled with fear and anxiety. He told me a mix of how he was heartbroken five years ago and has since sworn off relationships. How he has a wall he built and he feels resistance and fear inside him to let someone else get close to him again (body stance extremely guarded, distant and arms crossed). How he feels like he would be too selfish and can't make decisions considering the feelings of another person. How he works too much. He seemed to have spun himself out dreading the responsibility of a relationship as well as fearing getting close to someone again for the first time in a long time. But, also, confusingly, that he is exclusive with me and plans to stay that way.

Sounds like he wants you to pat him on the hand and excuse his lack of effort and responsibility. But don't go off dating anyone else, now.

He sounds like a sponge. I hope he's a really good cook.

Just read the most recent post. Didn't realize this thread was a couple of days old.

I feel a bit extreme for suddenly cutting it off at the legs at the first sign of commitment hesitation, but I think the alternative of hanging around trying to change him or hoping the situation morphs is worse.

No, that was the right thing to do.

Very difficult to trust any action or word of men as sincere, I must say. I feel like a rich dude that has a bunch of gold diggers following him around being nice to him to get his money, and he finds out they weren't really into him only after they go on a shopping spree.

LOL!! It does get better as you get older... although part of that is because you're not as cute, so it's also kind of sad... kind of.

It's all made even harder by the fact that there are many women that agree to hookups and casual dating, so many men, especially if they're charming/attractive/successful, can get away with it forever. Luckily, I have figured out how not be invested/attached until I know the "truth" through the relationship convo, so I feel relatively unphased and just kinda dead inside from all this.

You are right about that. Unfortunately, it's like a revolving door with these people, so they're always on the market and as long as you're dating you'll need to be prepared to dodge them.

It's all made even harder by the fact that there are many women that agree to hookups and casual dating, so many men, especially if they're charming/attractive/successful, can get away with it forever.

That's the best part!!!

Some of us were lucky enough to be born males :)

Very difficult to trust any action or word of men as sincere, I must say. I feel like a rich dude that has a bunch of gold diggers following him around being nice to him to get his money, and he finds out they weren't really into him only after they go on a shopping spree. It's just a risk of being a woman and dating, and I have to say a much greater risk if you're an attractive woman. It's all made even harder by the fact that there are many women that agree to hookups and casual dating, so many men, especially if they're charming/attractive/successful, can get away with it forever. Luckily, I have figured out how not be invested/attached until I know the "truth" through the relationship convo, so I feel relatively unphased and just kinda dead inside from all this.

When you start to assign blame for your dating failures, you might as well stay home and get lots of cats.

Why bother playing friendzies with the guy? It just keeps you on the shelf as a 'maybe' for sex sometime... that's not a friendship, it's something else.

I'm not playing friendzies. I have enough experience to know when a real friendship is possible and this is not one of those cases. We don't know each other well enough and the primary connection was physical/romantic. The whole thing just feels like a dream that never happened. Two months of intensity and promise then poof we're gone.

Also don't think he has the balls to treat me as a "sex maybe on the shelf." He's scared of/intimidated by me. Felt it the whole time. If this were high school, I'd be the valedictorian and he'd be the stoner kid that doesn't show up to class. He was in awe of me and thought he was not in my level, and said it to me all the time. I make 3x more money than him; I have a masters from an Ivy League and he is a dropout; I own this three story house and he had a little apartment; I've never done drugs and he used to be a burner and drinks every night etc. The whole booty call thing only happens when a guy doesn't respect you. But, surprise ladies, being respected works against you, and intimidates men. Yayyyyy. Am I bitter? Yes yes I am.

Ok there's a good thing to watch out for in the future:

Two months of intensity and promise

intimidates men

No, it intimidates losers. There is a difference.

But, surprise ladies, being respected works against you, and intimidates men. Yayyyyy. Am I bitter? Yes yes I am.

You can turn that around and decide that being respected begins and ends with yourself and I think you handled your part perfectly. Kudos.

I don't think he disrespected you in any way. You were a willing participant in something that was not yet defined and with someone you didn't yet know.

He was honest about his limitations and yes, somewhat intimidated. OK. . the timing sucked, imagining him saying all those things while crawling out of your bed. Choose to be thankful you didn't become more attached to someone so mismatched and that unavailable.

By being respected or respectful you flush out mismatches much sooner.

The alternative is he could have kept it to himself and carried on much longer, right?

Choose at look at this as a success, not a failure.

Next time be leery of the intensity you described. It blinds you to paying attention to important clues.

You alluded to some of them if you were to go back and reread your own previous post.

It's ok . .We've all done it. We'll do better next time.

I don't think you've heard the last of him bytheway.