I'm Learning....

I’m pretty sure I have dreams about him most nights...they aren’t dramatic or heart wrenching, but when I wake up, there’s that lingering sense of sadness on my brain. I’ve noticed a recurring theme in my dreams lately too. I dream I’m either trying to text or call him or respond to a text from him and no matter what I do, I can’t get the text to send. There seems to be a problem with my phone and sometimes I know there’s a message from him waiting for me on my phone but the phone is broken or it won’t work properly to let me see the message. The symbolism is so poignant, isn’t it? I feel like this is my subconscious reminding me of how disconnected and broken our way of communicating was. In the dream, I feel frustrated and angry. Perhaps these dreams are also trying to tell me I shouldn’t try to avoid my feelings of anger toward him. For pretty much my whole life, I’ve had trouble expressing anger and its something I’ve always tried to downplay. One of the lessons from this relationship I can take away is to learn to pay better attention to the things that anger and upset me and get comfortable expressing myself in this way.

The other lesson is centered on communication. I believe there’s always room for improvement in this area. In my former marriage, I was often the one who couldn’t communicate to my ex-husband and had a hard time expressing my needs and concerns to him. When I got involved with this recent ex, I made a genuine effort to communicate better and I think in a lot of ways, I brought with me what I’d learned in my marriage about the need to communicate. What is kind of hilarious is this ex had communication deficits probably way worse than mine used to be. I ask myself, “why would I choose a guy like that...especially knowing what I now know about how important openness and communication are in a relationship?” Looking at it from a more objective standpoint, I come up with:

• Although I thought I wanted to have a serious, authentic, committed relationship, on some level I really wasn’t ready to go there yet. So I chose someone who in a sense, was “safe”, unavailable and unable to meet me where I was at in terms of fostering communication as a two-way street.
  
• 
  
• Its been said that the people we encounter come into our lives for a reason, to teach us something. Perhaps I was the lesson my ex needed to learn about valuing communication.
  

I know I have a long way to go to heal myself and figure out what I really want from another person. I think one step in that direction is to find meaning and lessons from this experience and I hope this space will serve as a catalyst to do just that.

“I don't know that we are actually human at this point, those of us who are like most of us, who grew up with TV and movies and now the Internet.

It's a very difficult era in which to be a person, just a real, actual person, instead of a collection of personality traits selected from an endless Automat of characters.

And if all of us are play-acting, there can be no such thing as a soul mate, because we don't have genuine souls.

It had gotten to the point where it seemed like nothing matters, because I'm not a real person and neither is anyone else.

I would have done anything to feel real again.”

― Gillian Flynn

I stopped believing in soulmates a while ago...or at least stopped buying into the standard concept of what a soulmate is. It seems counterproductive (to me anyway), to strive toward finding a person who somehow magically “completes” you (I blame Jerry Maguire for the “you complete me” facade!) . If you really need someone to complete you, you’re doing it wrong. Relationships built on this sense of achieving wholeness and validation via our partner seem destined to let us down eventually.

We have to make ourselves whole first. Seeking wholeness and realness through a relationship is going about it retroactively. And sooner or later, the other shoe drops. We are let down by the other person. There are disappointments; expectations aren’t met. And then we are questioning ourselves as to what we did to deserve this.

I don’t remember when or if I ever felt whole as a person. I’ve battled with self-esteem struggles and self-sabotaging behaviors for most of my life. People who know me, see me as a positive, easy-going person, which is generally true. But deep down inside, I’ve been battling with low-level depression for a long time. I think this plays into the choices I make in relationships. I know this is something I really need to work through, otherwise I will find myself in the same situations over and over again. I’d love to get into counseling and over the years, have visited counselors on and off. Right now though, being jobless makes it difficult to justify the expense of therapy. I think I will at least look into some low-cost or maybe even no-cost therapy options. I need to talk to someone about everything I’m struggling with right now.

It’s been two weeks since I lost my job. I’ve applied for unemployment benefits and am waiting for a determination on whether I qualify. I’ve applied for three new jobs this week and was looking online today but didn’t see anything that fits my skill set. Its so depressing to be without a job. All this free time has been making me feel so anxious and then I find myself reliving the whole break-up with the ex, which happened exactly one month before I was let go from my job. At least when I was at work, I had something else to focus on. What a clusterf***k.

I talked with my brother yesterday about how the break up went down. My brother has been staying with me for the past few months following his break up with his fiance in September. Its so ironic how we’ve both been going through similar things in our personal lives recently. My brother had spent a decent amount of time with my ex since he’d moved here with me, and he was pretty surprised and also disappointed when I opened up to him about the issues that led to the break up. When I told him how my ex refused to come talk to me in person on that fateful day that turned into the “last day”, my brother called him a di*k. It made me feel validated lol. I’m actually really glad my brother is here; he works a lot but its nice to not have to be alone all the time.

I reactivated my old profile on OKC last week and have checked out a couple dating sites. Part of me did it mostly out of curiosity and yeah I admit, it does feel nice to get some attention too. I know I'm not even close to being ready to pursue another relationship but I can't help but feel lonely and in need of some distraction. I hope that doesn't make me sound shallow and the last thing I want to do is lead someone on. Right now, I'm talking with a couple of men strictly though the chat app. Its pretty mundane stuff so far and I haven't made any plans to meet anyone yet. I also feel like my life is so much in limbo right now that the last thing I need is to get involved with anyone, even on a casual basis. So, I'm not quite sure what I'm even doing on dating sites again.

I do feel that I'm slowly beginning to move past the end of my relationship. I should probably give him a pseudonym for the sake of reference; I'll call him Adam. Its now been about seven weeks since the break up. NC remains and quite frankly, despite how it initially hurt me knowing he hasn't tried to reach out either, I am glad to have this space from him. I've been in such a vulnerable state and while I have a looooong way to go on some levels, having contact with Adam would set me back big time. I do not want him to know my career took a nosedive shortly after the break up. I'm still trying to come to terms with this and put my life back together, and truthfully it would be embarrassing to let him know I lost my job. The job loss had nothing to do with him, and the writing had been on the wall for a while, but still, it would kill me if he thought our break up had anything to do with me losing my job. The timing of everything is pretty crazy though!

I've received an email from one of the places I applied to; they are asking me to set up an interview. I will follow up on this, but this position is not even remotely related to my career or former job. Its very close to home though, so that is a plus. It won't hurt to meet with them and at least get more info about the position.

Yesterday I went with a friend to one of those Solidarity Marches. It was so good to get out and be with people! I have to confess something though; I couldn't help but think about my ex while I was at the march. Without getting too much into politics and all that garbage, let's just say that Adam and I differed on our fundamental views and philosophies on many political and social issues. In all honesty, there were times when I would listen to his views on something and think, "How the eff can I be with someone who thinks like this?!" He was very critical last year when the Solidarity March events were taking place. So while I was at the event yesterday, I felt somehow like I was symbolically giving the finger to Adam. Yeah, I know, that might sound immature! But it felt good to take part in something that I would have probably gotten into an argument about with Adam if we were still together.

Wow. Hindsight is a pretty eye-opening thing, isn't it?

Job interview today went very well. I'm pretty sure I will get an offer. But....

The job is only part time (even though the ad said it was full time). And, its a variety of shifts, a combination of 3-11pm and 11pm-7am. Those are deal breakers for me as I need a consistent schedule and full time benefits. Additionally the pay is pretty low. On the plus side, I got to practice my interview skills. The manager didn't even ask me why I left my last job and I'm pretty sure if it came up that I was fired, it wouldn't have really mattered. I get the sense that they're looking for bodies to fill positions and set the bar on the lower side. The manager was very nice though and the conversation flowed smoothly. It also turns out his girlfriend works at the place I was just fired from. Small world!

I wish I could fast-forward time and have it be like, a year from now already. I know I will get through all of this, but man, my nerves are running a little high at the moment. A friend of mine told me the other day that I should try to "feel my feelings" instead of wanting to rush through getting past these awful last couple months. She's right. I do have a hard time with giving myself permission to feel my emotions. I stay in my head a lot and it's probably healthier to an extent to sit with my emotions and feelings and see what they are trying to teach me.

Almost forgot to add: My ex husband has been trying to contact me. We've been divorced for almost five years now, but we've remained friends. I know it must sound like a cliche, but our break up was actually very mutual and we've stayed on good terms. We don't talk very often so I find it a bit strange that he's wanting to talk right now. He actually texted me a few weeks ago on the day I got fired and I let him know it wasn't a good time for me to talk. He made it seem like it was nothing too important and texted me a couple of pop culture references and I thought that was all he wanted to say. This afternoon, he texted me again asking me to call him when I'm free because he never got to tell me what he wanted to a few weeks ago. He has been in a relationship with someone for the last 2-3 years and I know his reaching out to me isn't anything sketchy. In fact, part of me feels like he may have gotten engaged. I don't know for a fact, but its just an intuition I've been having. On one hand, I would be happy for him as he's a good guy and deserves someone who will make him happy too. On the other hand, if it turned out he is getting ready to remarry, I kind of really don't want to hear about it right now.

Today marks exactly two months since the BU and the beginning of NC. For the most part, it has sucked, but it has progressively been getting easier for me. While I have not wavered once to break NC, I'd be lying if I said I don't care if he never contacts me again. Many times over these last couple months I have hoped he would reach out to me. It still hurts that he hasn't, even if that sounds a little petty and egotistical. I was the one who initiated the BU and what I can say for sure is I know it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it, as sad as it has made me feel.

Here's what I've learned so far...

* NC is a time to begin the healing process and try to figure out what I really want for myself, in life, love and relationships. It has forced me to sit with myself and examine who I am, how I got to this place and what I need to do in order to find peace within.

* I'm learning that I actually have not been at peace with myself for a long time, long before this BU, even long before this last relationship began. My actions have not consistently lined up with what I value, and I need to figure out what's at the root of this. Low self-worth comes to mind, and sometimes I'm really at a loss as to how to figure out how to love myself.

* Love is a verb. Love is a decision you make, over and over again. Loving someone is hard; it's an active choice to let someone in, and not everyone is prepared to make that choice when the infatuation wears off and the new relationship energy fades.

* Making the choice to walk away from a person whose actions reveal they don't value me is the first step toward learning to love myself.

* We get the relationship that fits us at the time. As cliche as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. If we're lucky, the relationship, regardless of how it ended, teaches us something about ourselves and gives us the opportunity to grow ourselves.

* Intimacy takes vulnerability. In some ways, I was not allowing myself to be fully vulnerable with my ex. As much as I can "blame" him for not maintaining open communication with me during the relationship, I too, kept closed-off in some important ways. I did not open up to him on some issues for fear of being judged by him....and right there was a RED FLAG I chose to ignore. I mean, if I couldn't fully open up to him because I thought he would judge me, what does that say about the quality and healthiness of the relationship? On some innate level, I knew who he was and what he was and wasn't going to be capable of. And more importantly, I need to be at peace with myself, who I am, and all the experiences that make me who I am before I can attempt any type of intimate, meaningful relationship.

* I need to feel my feelings. I try to push way the things that make me emotionally uncomfortable and analyze from a strictly cerebral, logical standpoint without allowing myself to feel and work through things like pain, loss, grief, and heartache. I also need to get better at reaching out to others when I'm overwhelmed and not let my pride stop me from getting the help I need.

* Spirituality is important to me. Not necessarily in the traditional religious sense, but rather in a more esoteric, philosophical way. This is an important factor in aiding with my healing.

* I'm a lot stronger than I think sometimes.

So that's where I'm currently at. Yesterday was the ex's birthday and I refrained from reaching out, even though I was a little tempted. I still think about him a lot, but it gets easier. My heart is slowly piecing itself back together and I am even more slowly starting to piece together who I am and who I am meant to be. I have hope and right now, that has to be enough.

Lately I'm fluctuating between sadness and anger. All a normal part of the process, I know. It still frustrates me though, especially when I vacillate from missing him to remembering some annoying trait or a red flag sign that I am finally recognizing, months later. The back and forth is draining at times.

I deleted most of my pictures of him from my phone yesterday. All except a few that I'm in as well...because dammit, I looked good in those lol! My friend says I could just crop him out of those ones, but I feel like that would be weird. It wasn't as painful to look at those pictures and its clear that I looked good because at the time, I was so happy. And as much as he hurt me, I am not sure I want to get rid of photos that show that I was once happy and hopefully can be happy again someday. Maybe that's counter-intuitive, I don't know.

One thought I keep having in this aftermath is that I'm afraid that down the road, I am going to be reluctant to trust another person again someday. Not because of this break-up per se, but more so because for the first year we were together, I really believed he was sincere and that I had something so good. I realize now that was the honeymoon phase and there were so many "love bombing" signs going on that I didn't acknowledge. I feel like if I meet someone again, I'm going to become hyper vigilant about noting what the person says or does and wonder if I'm being love-bombed again. Like, I won't know what to believe and I am afraid I'll put up walls, possibly unnecessarily.

Nothing going on in the job front. I had one interview and never heard back. I keep sending out resumes each week and haven't gotten calls for anything yet. I'm now collecting unemployment, which is less than half of what I made in my job. Tomorrow I am scheduled to attend some mandatory seminar to brush up on job-searching skills and so forth. I hope I get some good insights.

Today I'm grateful for:

* My best friend who listens to me about the ex and doesn't judge me for it.

* Tim Horton's coffee for giving me life and hope :)

* The music and legend of Prince, who was the first performer I ever saw live back in the Purple Rain days.

* The humor and camaraderie of my brother.

* Having a warm place to return to after being outside in the frigid cold.

I'm getting to the point where I'm gradually (and determinedly) moving on.

It's been close to three months since the break-up and NC continues. I've had a few mini meltdowns during this time, mostly out of anger and resentment. You know, the usual stuff like, "I can't believe he hasn't even tried to contact me at all" or, "Maybe the whole relationship was a facade". In any case, I am just about past that stage. Occasional sadness drops by here and there, but nothing like the first month. I'm finding myself less angry at him too. I think I can honestly say it doesn't bother me if we never speak again. In fact, I know it is for the best to never speak to him again.

I've been doing a LOT of soul-work and looking at myself and figuring out what it is I value in life in general. I'm not there yet, but feel I'm in the best position I've been in a long time to really pin down what the hell I want...regarding my life, relationships, goals, career, the whole thing. It scares me to be at a crossroads of sorts, but at the same time, this is where I need to be. I have a chance to get it right, or at least get it better.

Recently I reactivated my old dating profile on Ok Cupid and just yesterday installed the Bumble dating app. In the last couple weeks, I started making an actual effort on OKC, but I gotta say, its not like how I remember it from a few years back. I know there's been some major changes on the site in terms of how people can contact each other, but the few conversations I've attempted to engage in go nowhere pretty quickly. I have to share, that I received this one message from a guy who claims he's currently off at an "undisclosed location" in the middle east, fighting the "dirty Taliban" but will be returning home soon and is looking for a soul mate. LOL. I got the distinct feeling he was attempting to create a Jason Bourne-esque air about him. Dear lord. I stopped responding after the Taliban part; I just couldn't. I have no major expectations at this point; but it does seem like OKC has deteriorated somewhat since I was last active on there. Online dating as a whole has always been a numbers game...I recall that from before. And since I'm still relatively fresh from a break-up, I don't want to be impulsive or invest a whole lot right now anyway. I do hope to meet a few new people, even just for fun conversation, to get to know someone different, and hopefully enjoy someone's company for the sake of it.

However, I did match with someone on Bumble who I've been texting with today. He seems cute and interesting so far...I wouldn't mind meeting him for coffee. :) So we shall see how this plays out.

Good grief. Can I just say how attempting to meet people via online dating sites/apps SUCKS?

Attention spans are shorter than I remember. And then there who are just....ugh, no...

An excerpt from a message exchange between me and a "match". In italics is what I was secretly thinking during this little exchange.

I'll title this one: Young and Well Hung

HIM: Hiii you’re very attractive and seem fun 😍😍 looking forward to hearing back

Me: Thank you for the compliment. I'm confused about your age though...on your profile under your name it says you're 35 but in your summary, it says 25? Keep in mind, I'm 46

HIM: I’m 25 dear... I set my age higher on the settings thing in an attempt to meet a beautiful older woman 🙂 If possibility really excites you, I think you and I would be a great fit 😜😘 Oh, so you admit to false advertising and trickery? And what's with the emojis??

Me: I see. I really don't look for matches under 30.

HIM: Let me try to be an exception . I’m sure you won’t be disappointed Everyone thinks they're an exception. When I was about 42, I briefly dated a 26 year old. I was very hesitant because of the age gap but he managed to convince me to give him a chance. He was intelligent and seemed to have his act together, so I figured, what the hell? And then suddenly after a few weeks, he determined he could no longer see me because he wouldn't know how to explain me to his family and friends since I'm "so much older".

Me: lol...I'm flattered. What exactly are you looking for?

HIM: To be honest. Friends with benefits. Not a one night stand and not a relationship that goes out and does things in public. Lol...so basically, just benefits.

Me: I appreciate your honesty. But that's not at all what I'm looking for unfortunately. You're attractive, I'm sure you will have no trouble meeting someone on the same page as you.

HIM: Wish you’d consider having fun while you still look for a relationship.. I’m young well hung and full of energy And full of crap too, I might add.

****

I may be too old for OLD in general. Right now I really resent my ex for being a douche.