do you believe in soul mates?

So, this is a long one.

I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years, we broke up after the first year because we just weren’t on the same page. To be honest, I was a clingy crazy person basically. But, I learned about myself during our 3 month break and we got back together. He was the perfect guy for me and my parents loved him. He’s a perfect gentlemen. But, there is absolutely no spark, maybe heat, but no spark. I don’t get butterflies, only did when we first met and went on our first date. Sex means almost nothing to me, I do it for him, and I’ve felt this way for almost a year.

So, fast forward to about 3 months ago. We had been talking about getting married and our future (we are both 22, btw) when suddenly I just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Any talk like this with him sort of makes me anxious and regretful. A month ago I signed a 1 year lease to the apartment above him and our friends. (We have the same group of friends).

Around a week and a half ago I met this guy on this website that I used to lurk around when I was younger, during that time we talked for 7 hours. Then we transferred to a phone app and talked all through out the day and would talk an average of 5 hours a day on the phone. I’ve never had an instant connection/bond with someone like this, I don’t know if you guys believe in soul mates, but if you do, then this is the closest I’ve been to having one. He feels the same way about me, I just couldn’t lead him on anymore so I told him my situation. I’m pretty sure he’s never going to reach out to me again, or if he’s okay with giving me a few days to think everything over. This brings up another issue, he lives in Canada, I live in the states.

I tried to talk to my mom about it but she said I had made my decision with the long term guy and to get offline and break it off with the other. She’s told me repeatedly that there’s no such thing as soul mates, and you can basically date or marry anyone that you chose. She tells me I’ll regret breaking it off with this guy that I’ve been with for years. My friends refuse to hear any bad talk about us together because they say we’re perfect, no one understands, I feel like I’m stupid for even thinking this way. All I’m thinking is that the “Grass is greener on the other side”, what if that’s all that it is? Then I break it off with the love of my life of 3 years, who loves everything about me including my flaws and I feel the same for him, but just lack a spark that I had with the other person. And yes, I understand that if I truly loved him I wouldn’t of done what I did.

But, I don’t know. I love the guy I’ve been with for 3 years don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing, and he makes me laugh. It would absolutely devastate him if we broke up, especially after everything. I know a phone connection is not the same as in real life, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever be happy in this relationship again if I don’t know.

I guess, I’ll just wait to see if the other guy messages me in a few days, if he does then he’s willing to forgive me for what I’ve done and I’ll be in more turmoil.

I’m not sure why I’m posting on here.

Please, no hate comments, I know I’m a terrible person.

It sounds like you are not ready to settle down and should be dating different guys. It seems you are not ready to love anyone and instead think the rush of novelty and infatuation and "butterflies" is what it's all about.

But how about "Sex means almost nothing to me, I do it for him, and I’ve felt this way for almost a year." If this is how it is now what will happen later, after you get married? Isn't it leading to miserable life? How does he feel about it, does he know you have those issues in bed, is he satisfied? Have you tried to make it better?

No, you are not a terrible person at all. You are a young person stuck in a situation you are simply not ready for ... and perhaps not even with the right person.

At 22 you are in the same boat as many your age. Major personal growth and change. Learning who you actually are as an adult, what you are into, who you are into, etc, etc, etc. You feel dead inside now? Imagine spending the rest of your life in this farce..... Scary? I hope so.

Anyway, you are miserable to the point where you are actively straying from this relationship, so do yourself and this guy a favor and end things before you cheat for real. That guy in Canada seems like such a soulmate because you are stuck in such a dead relationship. Kind of like cardboard tastes like the most amazing meal ever when you are starving. Anyway, getting so attached to a guy you've never even met should be your big wake up call that you need to get out of this dead relationship you are in like yesterday.

Sorry to say but your friends and mother are giving you terrible advice.

He sees nothing wrong with it, I've talked to him about it before but he is perfectly content.

Right, but, aren't you supposed to want and ache to be with that person all the time? I don't know. My mom said sometimes love isn't there and sometimes it is. That sounds miserable. I do want butterflies and infatuation.

No. Miserable is chasing addictive thrills running from on to the next and never being able to love or be with real people and love them in an enduring manner. At 22 that's ok but soon it's just being shallow and selfish. .

Right, but, aren't you supposed to want and ache to be with that person all the time? I do want butterflies and infatuation.

No, you are not a terrible person at all. You are a young person stuck in a situation you are simply not ready for ... and perhaps not even with the right person.

 

At 22 you are in the same boat as many your age. Major personal growth and change. Learning who you actually are as an adult, what you are into, who you are into, etc, etc, etc. You feel dead inside now? Imagine spending the rest of your life in this farce..... Scary? I hope so.

 

Anyway, you are miserable to the point where you are actively straying from this relationship, so do yourself and this guy a favor and end things before you cheat for real. That guy in Canada seems like such a soulmate because you are stuck in such a dead relationship. Kind of like cardboard tastes like the most amazing meal ever when you are starving. Anyway, getting so attached to a guy you've never even met should be your big wake up call that you need to get out of this dead relationship you are in like yesterday.

 

Sorry to say but your friends and mother are giving you terrible advice.

I get this. However, if that were the case why does he feel the same way? He's not stuck in a relationship. How am I supposed to end the relationship when he literally lives below me and my friends do as well? He's going to be devastated and it's going to be awkward for 11 months... What if this is just a phase? My mom said that love goes through phases, sometimes you don't always love the person. She says I'm too fickle and shouldn't make a rash decision like this. I know I'm quoting my mom a lot, but thats the only person I've ever talked to about love.

No. Miserable is chasing addictive thrills running from on to the next and never being able to love or be with real people and love them in an enduring manner. At 22 that's ok but soon it's just being shallow and selfish. .

Then how am I supposed to fix the issue? Is this a me problem? That I'm not happy?

What you have with the guy in Canada is essentially a pen pal. Sure it may feel like he is your soulmate and you really get each other. Some of that might even be true. BUT, unless you are face to face with the person, you really don't know them. Your mind is filling in an awful lot of blanks with fantasy and imagination. The test of true love is you see this person every day, their good sides and bad, they puke on your favorite shoes in the middle of the night and you still love them in the morning kind of a thing. Until you've spent at least 4 seasons with the person face to face, you have no idea who they really are and if they are your soulmate or not.

As for your living situation... it's just another one of those life lessons. Keep your distance and your privacy. Meaning don't live next door to your bf OR your friends. Things happen between people and if you live next door, yeah, it's going to be very very awkward and bad of something goes south.

Bottom line is that when you are tempted to cheat and stray, you need to end things before you go there full out. If doesn't mean you need to dump him today. Sure, take your time and think about it longer. But at the end of the day you need to make a decision you can be happy with and stick with it. If that means cutting your lease short or trading apartments, so be it. I wouldn't drag this on for another 11 months, but that's me. You have to figure your own way through this.

What you have with the guy in Canada is essentially a pen pal. Sure it may feel like he is your soulmate and you really get each other. Some of that might even be true. BUT, unless you are face to face with the person, you really don't know them. Your mind is filling in an awful lot of blanks with fantasy and imagination. The test of true love is you see this person every day, their good sides and bad, they puke on your favorite shoes in the middle of the night and you still love them in the morning kind of a thing. Until you've spent at least 4 seasons with the person face to face, you have no idea who they really are and if they are your soulmate or not.

 

As for your living situation... it's just another one of those life lessons. Keep your distance and your privacy. Meaning don't live next door to your bf OR your friends. Things happen between people and if you live next door, yeah, it's going to be very very awkward and bad of something goes south.

 

Bottom line is that when you are tempted to cheat and stray, you need to end things before you go there full out. If doesn't mean you need to dump him today. Sure, take your time and think about it longer. But at the end of the day you need to make a decision you can be happy with and stick with it. If that means cutting your lease short or trading apartments, so be it. I wouldn't drag this on for another 11 months, but that's me. You have to figure your own way through this.

Well, thank you, I appreciate your feedback and time.

There’s no ‘one size fits all’ for people but generally your early twenties are about fun. Save the marriage and kids stuff till later.

Relationships are complicated. Some ppl say you should find a good person that you have some attraction to, others say you need sparks and fire. You need to find what works for you. Often ppl need to date a bit to figure out what works for them.

The fact that you’ve been messaging someone else is a sure fire sign you arent happy with what you have. I think you should take the risk and break up with your boyfriend. Im not saying that because I think it will work out with the other guy (probably wont) but because you need to take chances and experience life in order to appreciate it.