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Thread: In the process of leaving

  1. #1
    Member Bubblegum2991's Avatar
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    In the process of leaving

    I've started to look at apartments. Several years, and two kids later. With tax refunds on the horizon and the most stable and well-paying job I've ever had, I know this is the best shot I'll have for at least another year of moving out successfully. He slapped me again a week or two ago. Being a fan of classic black and white movies, I have to admit that when he's nice I manage to convince myself that the slapping wasn't such a big deal. But I've been doing this long enough to know that it is more than that. Not to mention that its not the worst its gotten. I don't know. I just need encouragement. I need to push past this feeling of self-doubt and guilt about leaving him. I need to feel like I'm doing the right thing, not to just know it. Does that make sense? I'm not an idiot, and I know if I were to stay (and I can't) that I'd end up dying a little more. That I will not be able to have a night out with him without fighting. That I'll have to walk on eggshells when we talk. That I'll end up in more debt, and my credit will get worse. I know these things, but he knows me. He knows how and when to make it evident that he is helpful to me. That life is also easier much of the time with him. Yes, he is my abuser, but he's also been the only person I have to vent to for years. When I run into trouble, my natural instinct is to call him. If something funny happens, I reach for the phone... to call him. Whether the boys are well or sick, he's there for them entirely.

    I've been looking at apartments, which seem to require that I make 3x the rent monthly (which btw rent in Florida is crazy. I don't make three times 1,300 to pay for the 2 BR I Bath apartment I need). I've been thinking about childcare. I've been preparing my accounts, and doing all of this secretly while smiling during conversation when I'm home. I feel like an , and its not fair because if it weren't for HIS abuse I wouldn't even feel like I need to uproot my life.

    But I have to do it now. I NEED to do it now. Just venting. Thanks.

  2. #2
    Silver Member hidden_kitten's Avatar
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    Good luck Bubblegum! You're doing the right thing. Slapping you has no place in any relationship. Sounds like you are getting all your ducks in a row nicely

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You are definitely doing the right thing! Stick with it.

    Don't worry so much about the rent to income thing. Just count on the idea that if your income/credit aren't quite up to their standards, they'll ask for a bigger deposit to offset the risk of default. If they stuck strictly to the ratio's, most apartment complexes would be empty.

  4. #4
    Member Bubblegum2991's Avatar
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    Thanks Dancing Fool. That is great to know. Super helpful.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member East4's Avatar
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    Bubblegum, congrats for your strength!

    Regarding your feelings of guilt of taking action to leave-please, realise that this is a result of the traumatic bonding between the abuser and the victime that occurs. Read on Stockholm syndrome. You will need at least a few months on your own to clear your head of the abuse environment to see things for what they are: the fact is that the abusers always blame the vicitm for the abuse, which if you tolerate it for a long period of time will leave you with the impression that it was all your fault and you deserved to be physically/emotionally abused. You are not. Even if you have voiced your opinions that your abuser didn't like, he has no right to lay a hand on you. There are limits in the intimate Relationship that one should not cross, no matter how big the conflict. One oh these strong boundaries is violence.

    Also on your feeling that he knows you the best-again this is all the victim in you talking. But you are more than just a vicim. The abusers isolate the victim from friends and family, it is control issue. They left you with nobody but them to turn to. This creates the impression that he understands you the best from anybody else. But there is nobody around you to talk you, excatly because the abuser made sure to cut you off from any support netwrok.

    Please, go ahead with your plan and have no doubts and fears. Get out of the abuse.

    Good luck!

  7. #6
    Member Bubblegum2991's Avatar
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    I...don't want to post a whole new thread.

    I do want to ask for just a smidge of more advice.

    Should I stay quiet about my intentions to leave? He's like... openly planning our future after the tax check comes. The same Tax check I'm planning to use to leave with (you know...since I.. Earned it.) Should I make it clear now that I'm not staying, or should I wait until the money comes in and just dip without notice? I mean... really I would have to take the kids To my moms house and move things out while he gives me grief. You know.. cause he can't drive and never has a real reason to leave the house. I know its very possible that he's only being nice because he knows the money hasn't come in and been spent yet. But its really hard not to be like "Stop being so ing nice and sabotaging my will to leave you ". But I know we would fight, and I don't have anywhere to go for now. I just feel like such. An. . I mean I'm paying bills, I should be able to stay regardless of what I intend on doing next month. And I feel like I'm being dishonest. Or am I just being weak? Should I stick to my guns and plan in silence, and just leave as I said before? If I don't come out and say I am leaving soon now am I being an unforgivable misleading jerk?

  8. #7
    Gold Member East4's Avatar
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    Absolutely keep your plans of leaving a secret! You owe him no explanation, since he did not treat you right.

    If you choose to tell him, he will do everything to sabotage.
    You owe it to yourself and your children.

    Keep us updated!

  9. #8
    Member Bubblegum2991's Avatar
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    I left in February

    So, After the last time I was slapped by my Ex-Fiance ( the end of January) I decided to leave. I left on the 11th with my boys. Moved to Ocala with my Grandma. That didn't work out. Moved back down, and I'm staying with my mom until the end of the year.

    I still have a lot to work through. Being a single parent is quite difficult. My older son misses his father, and its not exactly like I can explain why he can't go to his daddy's house. He's already doing the "I don't you, I love daddy" thing. It really sucks. Its not the only abusive thing my 5 year old says to me, but he's basically only repeating this his father has said to me verbatim.

    I don't miss him. I don't miss being in a relationship. I am still feeling anxious much of the time. Self-esteem is still strikingly low. But I am proud that I left the situation. Just feeling sort of stressed out because now I am mostly responsible for the upbringing of my boys.. and that's a lot of pressure.

    Anyway... I did it. It's been nearly three months now, and we are going through all of the paperwork and mediation stuff. I've gotten this far, and its not been easy, but I wanna say thank you for all the advice given up to this point. It has been kept in mind.

  10. #9
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    e's already doing the "I don't you, I love daddy" thing.

    Coming from a small child, he is venting his frustration that he can't see daddy. "i love daddy not you mommy" He is not being "abusive" towards you. I have heard that from young children who don't see one parent or grandma or whoever. Maybe there are other things he says that are abusive -----but it must be confusing that he is not given any reason why he can't see his father - even a sanitized one. After speaking with a counselor - can you tell him "we can't live with daddy because daddy hits mommy" or whatever the counselor instructs you to say?

  11. #10
    Member Bubblegum2991's Avatar
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    Well he knows daddy used to yell and scream and be mean. He mentions it all the time. I told him that behavior wasn't ok, and mommy and daddy can't be together because it's not ok to fight like that. But idk it doesn't seem like a lot. I just feel bad for him, and especially because I'm learning to be a good single parent. I never had to be the one to discipline before because their father basically jumped to do it. So it absolutely kills me. I start to feel like I don't do enough to discipline my oldest, because he's so incessant with the rude and angry behavior, and then eventually I find myself just feeling lost about what to do.

    We have a lot to work through still, and we will get there. I can't imagine how much worse it would have gotten if we'd stayed longer. My two year old is still young enough to mold in a non-toxic environment.


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