Silent Treatment

I wrote my friend back in April a message on Facebook. I admit I was feeling kind of down on myself that night I wrote her. I was hoping to get a reply that night, but nothing.

I sent her this: I guess another part of my sadness is I feel unsure of how you view/think of me as a friend" I know actions speak louder than words and I know I shouldn't ask people who treat me with love, respect, and kindness how they're feeling towards me, I should just know. However, at times I do wonder what my friends think of me and that's why I'm asking."

I don't think that sounds off-putting or something to be upset about, right? I was truly curious so I thought I would ask her. I'm not sure why she didn't respond. I know a while back she told me her computer wasn't working, but she goes online on her phone and that she's not the greatest at always keeping in touch because she always apologizes for replying months later, but the night I'm speaking of we were having a normal conversation so that's why I thought she would reply to that right away instead of our usual "catch up with you letter" that we normally do. Granted she isn't on Facebook much either but she does post things from time to time. After, I sent her that message I noticed she has 'liked' or commented on a couple of posts of mine, but that was a while ago now and I haven't heard from her since besides Birthday wishes to each other. I even tagged her in a memory of us post months ago and I didn't get a 'like' or anything from her. I thought by doing that it would perhaps trigger some type of reply.

I know she is online at times because Facebook does tell you when someone was last active so I know she has "seen" my messages. I have made a few attemps by text and Facebook messenger since April sporadically throught out the months and still never got a reply back, so I have been trying to make an effort. I would consider her a close friend I have known her for roughly 18 years, but we aren't the type of friends who talk every day or hang out often since she lives in a different city. We keep in touch on Facebook by messages maybe every few months or so because we aren't the type to keep in constant contact and have mutually agreed we don't always have to be in contact to remain good friends. I do miss talking with her but this silent treatment is really usual from her. Mind you, we didn't have any fights or anything so I see no reason for her to be mad at me. Our last conversation seemed fine to me. I'm not mad at her either or upset with her. It's been about 3 months since I last tried contacting her other than a Birthday wish recently. I'm not sure what I can say to her to try and figure out what is going on between us?? That doesn't sound pushy but sincere. I do miss talking to her and our friendship. I'm not sure what she felt after reading that message back in April. I did apologize to her in case I may have stepped over a boundary and told her we can move on from that question I asked her months ago and still never got a reply. I'm not sure what to think or where we stand here. It would be nice to get some kind of contact from her or if she doesn't want to be my friend anymore she could at least let that be known but just because I asked her a question it would seem silly to end an 18 year + friendship over in my opinion. The silent treatment is really bugging me. I just need help in wording something nice that could perhaps trigger a reply from her without sounding overbearing or confrontational? Thanks.

Unfortunately a message like that is very off putting because it's manipulative. It sounds like you are fishing for compliments and accusing them of being part of your sadness. Making everything about you is universally off putting. No one wants a friend who nags them, wants compliments, accuses them of creating their bad feelings and never once asks 'How are you?' Next time keep it light. Ask how they are, say something cheerful.

I sent her this: I guess another part of my sadness is I feel unsure of how you view/think of me as a friend" I know actions speak louder than words and I know I shouldn't ask people who treat me with love, respect, and kindness how they're feeling towards me, I should just know. However, at times I do wonder what my friends think of me and that's why I'm asking."

I'm sorry but that is indeed incredibly off putting. Highly charged intense drama. To be honest if I got a message like that I'd probably fade out of this friendship as well. I wouldn't even know how to respond or whether it's wise to. Like what are you even implying or asking for there? I don't know. It's one of those where your gut reaction is to quietly exit the situation before it escalates any further.

Agree with above, if you want to get a response then simply ask how she is doing, how her life is going. Show an interest in her life as a friend, keep things fun and light and keep away from dramatic statements or demands. Also, you are such old friends, can you not call her and talk and clear the air? Why via FB?

I'm sorry but that is indeed incredibly off putting. Highly charged intense drama. To be honest if I got a message like that I'd probably fade out of this friendship as well. I wouldn't even know how to respond or whether it's wise to. Like what are you even implying or asking for there? I don't know. It's one of those where your gut reaction is to quietly exit the situation before it escalates any further.

 

Agree with above, if you want to get a response then simply ask how she is doing, how her life is going. Show an interest in her life as a friend, keep things fun and light and keep away from dramatic statements or demands. Also, you are such old friends, can you not call her and talk and clear the air? Why via FB?

I was asking her what she thought of me as a friend. I wanted to know so I asked. I felt bad that night because I wish I could do more ( see her more and whatnot) I can't because I don't have a vehicle that can go long distances. I wish I could see her more and I felt like I was a bad friend for not being able to do that. So I wanted some reassurance from her by asking that question. As far as picking up the phone and calling. I personally hate talking on the phone so I don't call anyone, even my family. I just find it extremely boring.

I was thinking of sending this to her:

"Hey,

Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Let me know what's up with you. I'll be here if and when you want to talk."

Does that sound ok?

"Hey,

Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Let me know what's up with you. I'll be here if and when you want to talk."

I sent her this: I guess another part of my sadness is I feel unsure of how you view/think of me as a friend" I know actions speak louder than words and I know I shouldn't ask people who treat me with love, respect, and kindness how they're feeling towards me, I should just know. However, at times I do wonder what my friends think of me and that's why I'm asking."

To be completely honest, between this thread and your other about the platonic guy friend you called out for not liking enough of your Facebook photos, you sound exhausting. And while I understand we should be able to lean on one another occasionally, I'm getting a completely different vibe here.

You mention not having a vehicle and not being able to travel to said friend. Do you have any local friends and hobbies? Are you going to school? Have access to some form of counseling to see about help establishing your own sense of worth?

Struggling to put this delicately, but I'd take a good look at these and ask, "What about these texts and the theme I'm trying to run makes this person's friendship with me at all a positive or enjoyable element in her life?" You talk about talking on the phone being boring, but there's little else that gets stale quite as fast as needless drama.

 

To be completely honest, between this thread and your other about the platonic guy friend you called out for not liking enough of your Facebook photos, you sound exhausting. And while I understand we should be able to lean on one another occasionally, I'm getting a completely different vibe here.

 

You mention not having a vehicle and not being able to travel to said friend. Do you have any local friends and hobbies? Are you going to school? Have access to some form of counseling to see about help establishing your own sense of worth?

Hi j.man,

Thanks for your input. To answer your questions. I have a car it's just not reliable to travel long distances that's all. I am working on saving up money to buy a better vehicle for the future. Yes, I do have local friends and I have lots of hobbies ( walking, working out, have two jobs although those aren't hobbies of course Lol, and a bunch of other activities I enjoy doing.) I do try to keep my mind busy and not focus on these dumb small things ( the "liking" picture thing on Facebook for instance) but it does creep right back into my head at times. Yes, I recently started counseling as well. Have my next session next week which I am looking forward to. I know I have somethings I need to work on no doubt. Just looking for some help in between.

What did you mean by this and I quote, "Struggling to put this delicately, but I'd take a good look at these and ask, "What about these texts and the theme I'm trying to run makes this person's friendship with me at all a positive or enjoyable element in her life?"

Do you mean by what I've said how is it enjoyable to her? We have known each other for 18+ years and I would hope I'm not a pain in the butt in her life. I really don't know. I try to be the best friend that I know how to be to all my friends. I admit I do feel insecure in my friendships at times because I always wonder what kind of friend I maybe to them in their mind. I don't think I'm a horrible friend. I don't lie to them, I wouldn't break their trust, if they need me for anything I am always there for them; I may not be able to be there for them financially (paying for them for example) but they know I'm always here to talk & listen or if they need help with something around their house or of that nature I will be there for them too in those ways. When I hang out with my friends we all have fun no drama in person or anything. I aways hear I am fun to hang out with from them. So I guess overall I am not a crappy friend but at times I do wonder what they think of me and I do feel bad that I can't treat them out at times. I do get anxiety sometimes when my friends don't reassure me.

I am a very sensitive person, I can take things personally and I am a very emotional person as well. I do know that I let my emotions take over a lot more than my rational thinking side at times. That is one of the things the counselor and I are going to work on. I'm well aware of the issues I need to work on. Just somethings I am unsure of, like I mentioned here not sure what to say to my friend so that her and I are back on speaking terms. I struggle with "finding the right words" to say and ask for others input because I don't want to come off the wrong way and that is difficult for me. I want to make amends with my friend but it's hard for me to figure out how. Which is why I am here.

Good start but leave out the "is everything ok" part and the "i'll be here part". Both parts are a bit too contrived, depressive and imply there's a problem. Be upbeat.

"Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while. Let me know what's up with you. "

Good start but leave out the "is everything ok" part and the "i'll be here part". Both parts are a bit too contrived, depressive and imply there's a problem. Be upbeat.

Thanks Wiseman2 :) I will do that then!

Hopefully, she will reply. If not then I guess it's just time to move on and just assume she wants nothing to do with me any longer. Considering I have made attempts in the past & got nothing. It won't hurt to try for a final time. If that's the case she could at least let me know but not going to expect it. However, she must still care to a degree to wish me a Happy Birthday wish ( back in August), but we haven't had a conversation since April. If she wanted nothing to do with me I don't think she would have bothered to say HBD at all. I know if I no longer wanted someone in my life I wouldn't have bothered to do that. *Shrugs*

Unfortunately it sounds like she wants to distance herself but not be rude. Accept that not everyone wants to be friends or continue a friendship for whatever reason.

she must still care to a degree to wish me a Happy Birthday wish ( back in August), but we haven't had a conversation since April.

I am a very sensitive person, I can take things personally and I am a very emotional person as well. I do know that I let my emotions take over a lot more than my rational thinking side at times. That is one of the things the counselor and I are going to work on. I'm well aware of the issues I need to work on. Just somethings I am unsure of, like I mentioned here not sure what to say to my friend so that her and I are back on speaking terms. I struggle with "finding the right words" to say and ask for others input because I don't want to come off the wrong way and that is difficult for me. I want to make amends with my friend but it's hard for me to figure out how. Which is why I am here.

So I think your struggle is mostly because you tell yourself you are highly sensitive, that you are highly emotional and you tell yourself that as an excuse to react to those emotions by being self-absorbed. You didn't struggle with finding the right words in the sense that you typed words to her (which is so easy- if you struggled you would have told yourself to wait 24 hours, see if the feeling passed and see if there was a way to talk to her on the phone, a back and forth) - and you did it because you were curious -nothing to do with her or her well-being or thoughtfulness about how she might react to those words. It may be true that you are highly sensitive and emotional - that doesn't give you an excuse to act in a self-absorbed way. It's the same as those of us who get cranky when we're sleep deprived or "hangry" when we're trying to make a meal for everyone but ourselves, when we're beyond starving. It's fine to say to those you might be rude to "I'm sorry I overreacted, I'm exhausted and wasn't thinking straight" but it's far more important to have a level of control where you have other ways to react to emotions than being selfish, self-absorbed or rude.

I had a good friend who lives in another city ghost on me since June. We used to talk once-twice a week by phone - reciprocal, balanced as far as who called who - just worked for us - and we visited in June and the visit I thought went well with a huge hiccup involving my young son who was ill and I had no clue he was ill as he was -and she knew I didn't know- she was trying to help me figure out what was going on with him. That's the only thing I can think of as to why she's now gone MIA -she knew I didn't know, I followed up immediately when I got the diagnosis to see if she /her kids were ok (I am sure they were based on Facebook posts and some impersonal contact with her a few months later). I called her 4-5 times over the next months plus one email (because there was a terrible storm that was affecting her family member in another state) to which she responded politely but with no indication she wanted to talk. My messages were not needy at all - just checking in. So I am telling you this because I know the hurt - and I know it's hurtful not to know (in your case, you know but on the other hand it's one message in an 18 year friendship so there may be more to it). I've moved on. She posted to me on facebook with a game recommendation which she'd never done before, I told her I thought someone had hacked into her facebook and she replied with happy new year and that her kids must have gone on her facebook. This from a woman I'd known for 12 years and been particularly close with for 7-8 years.

I empathize. It really could be that she is just choosing to move on and your message was a good exit excuse. I'm sorry. But please try not to make excuses for your behavior based on "highly sensitive". It's hard but worth it.

I am a very sensitive person, I can take things personally and I am a very emotional person as well. I do know that I let my emotions take over a lot more than my rational thinking side at times. That is one of the things the counselor and I are going to work on. I'm well aware of the issues I need to work on. Just somethings I am unsure of, like I mentioned here not sure what to say to my friend so that her and I are back on speaking terms. I struggle with "finding the right words" to say and ask for others input because I don't want to come off the wrong way and that is difficult for me. I want to make amends with my friend but it's hard for me to figure out how. Which is why I am here.

 

So I think your struggle is mostly because you tell yourself you are highly sensitive, that you are highly emotional and you tell yourself that as an excuse to react to those emotions by being self-absorbed. You didn't struggle with finding the right words in the sense that you typed words to her (which is so easy- if you struggled you would have told yourself to wait 24 hours, see if the feeling passed and see if there was a way to talk to her on the phone, a back and forth) - and you did it because you were curious -nothing to do with her or her well-being or thoughtfulness about how she might react to those words. It may be true that you are highly sensitive and emotional - that doesn't give you an excuse to act in a self-absorbed way. It's the same as those of us who get cranky when we're sleep deprived or "hangry" when we're trying to make a meal for everyone but ourselves, when we're beyond starving. It's fine to say to those you might be rude to "I'm sorry I overreacted, I'm exhausted and wasn't thinking straight" but it's far more important to have a level of control where you have other ways to react to emotions than being selfish, self-absorbed or rude.

 

I had a good friend who lives in another city ghost on me since June. We used to talk once-twice a week by phone - reciprocal, balanced as far as who called who - just worked for us - and we visited in June and the visit I thought went well with a huge hiccup involving my young son who was ill and I had no clue he was ill as he was -and she knew I didn't know- she was trying to help me figure out what was going on with him. That's the only thing I can think of as to why she's now gone MIA -she knew I didn't know, I followed up immediately when I got the diagnosis to see if she /her kids were ok (I am sure they were based on Facebook posts and some impersonal contact with her a few months later). I called her 4-5 times over the next months plus one email (because there was a terrible storm that was affecting her family member in another state) to which she responded politely but with no indication she wanted to talk. My messages were not needy at all - just checking in. So I am telling you this because I know the hurt - and I know it's hurtful not to know (in your case, you know but on the other hand it's one message in an 18 year friendship so there may be more to it). I've moved on. She posted to me on facebook with a game recommendation which she'd never done before, I told her I thought someone had hacked into her facebook and she replied with happy new year and that her kids must have gone on her facebook. This from a woman I'd known for 12 years and been particularly close with for 7-8 years.

 

I empathize. It really could be that she is just choosing to move on and your message was a good exit excuse. I'm sorry. But please try not to make excuses for your behavior based on "highly sensitive". It's hard but worth it.

Thanks Bayta for your input. You're right when I get emotional I tend to not think before I say something & let the emotion take control, if that makes sense. True, instead of acting upon my emotional state I should stop to think more about it before just reacting ( like you said 24 hours) and that is something I need to work on I agree with you there.

I'm sorry your friend has went MIA on you too, no it doesn't feel good especially when you don't know the reason. Thanks for understanding where I am coming from though. Yeah, this is the first time I have ever asked my friend that question in our 18 year friendship so it really is odd to me that she hasn't had anything to do with me since April ( minus the bday wish). If there is something more happening I am not sure what it is because everything was just fine between us until I asked her that question and that's when I noticed she has been avoiding me. Yeah, maybe she is just choosing to move on, who knows. I will take Wiseman2's advice and just try saying, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. Let me know whats up with you!" one last time and see what happens. If I still get no response then that is my cue to stop trying and just move on myself. Sad that an 18 year friendship would end over something as small as that, especially since this was a one time thing.

I'm not sure if I should apologize again though? I did make an attempt a couple months ago basically saying " Sorry that I may have overstepped a line when I asked you that question. If you like we can move on from it and asked how she was." Again, no reply. Or should I just leave it and ask what Wiseman2 suggested?