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Thread: Now I have to do this all over again..or do i?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Now I have to do this all over again..or do i?

    Okay... so some of you who may have been on this forum for a long while may remember my username. You may be relieved to hear that I have broken it off with my jealous fiance. I was not happy, and perhaps going through the motions because that is what I thought I was "supposed to do" or because "this is good enough, the other people out there are worse".


    Anyhow..I am now with what I think is a stable and loving guy. He has been married before and divorced. We talked about it a bit, but he brushes it off. (I think it's imporant -- he loved her enough once to dedicate himself to her). Also, his mother passed away 10 years ago almost to this day (4 days from now) so I don't know even how to deal with that :( I can tell he loved his mother very much. My mother has been the driving force in my life -- basically being my mom and my dad simultaneously. I think I resemble her in a lot of ways, and I am very proud of that..she is a strong woman. So, I can't even imagine begin without her. If anyone has any advice on that--I'll gladly take it.

    But onto the real reason for this post .. And just a *trigger warning* I suppose...



    So, those of you who have read my previous posts will know that before entering the relationship with my previous fiance, I was with an emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive person. During our (drunken, belligerent, reckless) time together I managed to get raped. I understand and accept my role in this -- becoming way too drunk, walking away from my boyfriend, falling asleep on a stoop somewhere nearby times square, following a man who said he would let me use his phone. Spoiler alert: he didn't bring me to his place to use a phone. He brought me to a roof to do things with me. And you know what, in my drunken stooper, I kinda went along with it, I thought my boyfriend dumped me and left me stranded! I couldn't remember a thing! But at the same time, I also said no. Albeit, weak. I was just so tired, and weak..and confused. I eventually "came to" but it was too late. I ran to the door, and slipped down a flight of stairs and ran out into some new york city street in a complete panic.

    The events that followed were me "making it up" to the boyfriend as he berated me for the event. He told me the rape crisis hotline people were just telling me what I wanted to hear. That I actually wanted it. That I was a wh*re who broke his heart. I stayed with him in this crushing relationship for a full year afterward. Anyhow.. during this abuse.. I found solace in a man who was the same ethnicity as the man who raped me. It was my chance for a "do over", but with my consent. It makes no sense..but it did at the time. Plus, this man was showing me love when my boyfriend was constantly bringing me down. This man was married with a family :( He had a reputation for being promiscuous but that doesn't make it right. I regret it.

    So I told this new guy i'm seeing that I had a relations with a guy who was married, but that I was at a "very low time" in my life. He didn't flinch. My question is...do I bring it back up and explain myself? (i.e. the rape, and why) or do I just let it alone?? I'm worried if I tell him what happened to me that he will see me different or pity me or something. At the same time.. I think I love him and I want him to know everything about me.

    Do I tell him? Do I wait a while? :\

  2. #2
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    My advice is to treat each relationship like a clean sheet of paper where you start over and build your own experiences together. Unless there is a need to know, why would you burden your boyfriend with these stories? What response are you looking for by telling him? Are you trying to be pitied? Trying to get sympathy? Or are you trying to get him to dump you? Are you trying to test his love for you by telling him all sorts of terrible things and all the bad decisions you've made? Are you trying to be treated like you're sick? For your own sake, don't say anything more about your history. You had a boyfriend that was abusive and you had a married boyfriend for a while. That's all your current boyfriend has to know, and only if he asks.

    No man wants to hear about the other men you've slept with. They don't want to know if you're comparing him to your other boyfriends. They don't want to hear what other men did to you. We've had men writing in here who found out their girlfriends who had simply kissed another man and it ruined the entire relationship! Again, keep all this in the past unless there is a need to know. Hopefully you haven't damaged your current relationship too much with your confessions so far.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Leave your past in the past and do not use your current relationship as either a confessional or free therapy. The same goes for stop asking him about his past relationships. These are really not good topics of conversation within a relationship. If you need to talk, if you feel like you have unresolved issues you are carrying with you, then find counseling for yourself and resolve things so you can have a happy healthy relationship without dumping your past onto it.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    My advice is to treat each relationship like a clean sheet of paper where you start over and build your own experiences together. Unless there is a need to know, why would you burden your boyfriend with these stories? What response are you looking for by telling him? Are you trying to be pitied? Trying to get sympathy? Or are you trying to get him to dump you? Are you trying to test his love for you by telling him all sorts of terrible things and all the bad decisions you've made? Are you trying to be treated like you're sick? For your own sake, don't say anything more about your history. You had a boyfriend that was abusive and you had a married boyfriend for a while. That's all your current boyfriend has to know, and only if he asks.

    No man wants to hear about the other men you've slept with. They don't want to know if you're comparing him to your other boyfriends. They don't want to hear what other men did to you. We've had men writing in here who found out their girlfriends who had simply kissed another man and it ruined the entire relationship! Again, keep all this in the past unless there is a need to know. Hopefully you haven't damaged your current relationship too much with your confessions so far.
    Wow, you have a really skewed view of life. My past should never be considered a burden to anyone who would truly love me. And I shouldn't have to hide it for 'my own sake'. We have already talked at length about eachother's past relationships, because it's what shapes someone into the person they are today. I don't see how the truth would damage anything even half worthwhile? I was just feeling the need to further explain why I did what I did (knowingly involving myself with a married man) so he could better understand.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Leave your past in the past and do not use your current relationship as either a confessional or free therapy. The same goes for stop asking him about his past relationships. These are really not good topics of conversation within a relationship. If you need to talk, if you feel like you have unresolved issues you are carrying with you, then find counseling for yourself and resolve things so you can have a happy healthy relationship without dumping your past onto it.
    You too? I wonder why I came here for so long. Do all of you just hide giant parts of yourself from your SOs? Maybe it's foolish, but I want to get to know my significant other thoroughly. Through all their faults and embarrassments. And i'd want him to know every aspect of me. This may be getting way ahead o fmyself, but the thought of walking down an aisle without him knowing this very important thing seems wrong.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    My advice is to treat each relationship like a clean sheet of paper where you start over and build your own experiences together. Unless there is a need to know, why would you burden your boyfriend with these stories? What response are you looking for by telling him? Are you trying to be pitied? Trying to get sympathy? Or are you trying to get him to dump you? Are you trying to test his love for you by telling him all sorts of terrible things and all the bad decisions you've made? Are you trying to be treated like you're sick? For your own sake, don't say anything more about your history. You had a boyfriend that was abusive and you had a married boyfriend for a while. That's all your current boyfriend has to know, and only if he asks.

    No man wants to hear about the other men you've slept with. They don't want to know if you're comparing him to your other boyfriends. They don't want to hear what other men did to you. We've had men writing in here who found out their girlfriends who had simply kissed another man and it ruined the entire relationship! Again, keep all this in the past unless there is a need to know. Hopefully you haven't damaged your current relationship too much with your confessions so far.
    I agree. Your current boyfriend does not need to know everything about you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quark
    You too? I wonder why I came here for so long. Do all of you just hide giant parts of yourself from your SOs? Maybe it's foolish, but I want to get to know my significant other thoroughly. Through all their faults and embarrassments. And i'd want him to know every aspect of me. This may be getting way ahead o fmyself, but the thought of walking down an aisle without him knowing this very important thing seems wrong.
    I disagree, with emphasis. Process your own stuff, and then unhook it from your back so you can move forward without it. He does not need all that noise, unless you want to bring your past and his into the present.

    It is not an act of hiding, at all. What is being hidden?

    Bearing the burden of knowledge is your own responsibility. You need not burden him with it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If and when he is ready to hear more, he'll ask. Frequently we think that true confessions in the form of TMI too soon is "bonding". But it's all about the timing. Overwhelming people with everything at once is not for them but for yourself. There is no better and ready listener than those who ask.
    Originally Posted by quark
    So I told this new guy i'm seeing that I had a relations with a guy who was married, but that I was at a "very low time" in my life. He didn't flinch.


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