I think I was taken advantage of when I was drunk, but I Participated

It was my birthday and I went out with a friend to a bar to drink. We ended up meeting up with a group of guys we had hung out with a number of times before. Among them, was The guy, lets call him BG. He and I always gravitated towards each other every time out friends hung out. It was almost like an unspoken agreement; when we're together, we are together. We never communicated with each other outside of hanging out and I wasn't interested in pursuing an actual relationship with him so I was okay with that. The most we ever did though was make out. The time we hung out before this last incident, I has gotten pretty drunk and a few of us went back to my friends house and in my drunken innocent state I told BG that if he behaved, he could sleep with me so he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. Im 20 and never really been in a very heavy relationship so I blame my naivety for thinking he would actually behave. We made out, he got extremely handsy, but I was coherent enough that I got myself out of the bed and ran to the bathroom when he started trying to put his hand down my pants. So our relationship was not a sexual one, at least I didn't want it to be, I knew he did but I'm not the type of person to bend under pressure. in fact after that incident I really didn't want to hang out with him again cause I thought I had sent him the wrong message about what I wanted. Girls who knew him though said he was a nice guy and didn't have anything bad to say about him so I was never really worried. He had been charming and flirty and cute and for the most part I trusted him enough that I gravitated towards him when I was drunk.

Jump to my birthday. He's there, we're drinking, I'm drunk. I'm having a good time but even so, I'm not all over him as much as I was in the past. The bar closed early cause nobody else is there and my friend invites the guys to come back to her place and continue drinking with us. We get back to her place and I make the mistake of having another drink (we had only been having beers at the bar and then I had a mixed liquor drink - bad combo). I was cuddling BG on the couch and just having a good time. I end up stupid drunk and throwing up in the bathroom. BG actually held my hair while I was puking. What guy does that? My memory is very fuzzy from the time we got home to me ending up in the bathroom but my friend got me from the bathroom to the spare-bedroom bed and I remember literally crawling into bed and I'm assuming I fell asleep because I was exhausted (id been passing out on the bathroom floor).

And then I woke up, and BG was there. I think I had sobered up a little but the memories still aren't 100%. I have no idea when he had joined me or how he got into bed with me. I think he was already naked, I'm not sure. He was on top of me, sucking on my neck because I kept pulling away from kissing him (my mouth felt awful from puking). I do remember distinctly telling him No when he put his hand down my pants but he did anyway. I don't know what happened, I knew in my head that this wasn't what I wanted but I helped him get my pants off, I participated. He kept insisting on me giving him oral and I did. I was so relieved when it was over.

I've told people about BG and I sleeping together. I didn't want to be 'that girl'. I made it sound like it was great and I got lucky because I feel like if I told people how I really felt about it they'd just tell me "well you went along with it, you're just regretting it now and feeling sorry for yourself". Nobody knew how sick I felt about what happened that night. How disgusted with myself I felt. I haven't stopped thinking about him touching me and about the things I did and it makes me want to curl up into a ball and just scream. I feel like theres nothing for me to do about it, because it wasn't rape (??) and I participated and people can vouch for the fact that BG and I had been physically close beforehand. I feel ruined. I didn't want it to happen that way. I was a virgin. He didn't know and he wasn't exactly gentle with me and I just feel broken, like he broke something.

I haven't been the same since. People have noticed I've been flinchy, jumpy. I've avoided people touching me. I didn't even realize how bad it was until just recently. I started dating a guy, lets call him M, and I've stayed over at his place twice now. Honestly this guy is a saint. He's got eight years on me and is totally respectful. If I told him to keep his hands behind his back the entire night I think he actually would. Anyway, the first night I stayed over I think I got maybe one or two hours of sleep because every time he would move, I was painfully aware. He couldn't move a hand up my arm or anything without my entire body tensing up. If M moved too fast or shifted suddenly my entire body would flinch. He noticed, he believed me when I told him it was just nerves. Last night when I stayed over we actually made out and ya know, we were intimate (clothes stayed on, no hands went anywhere inappropriate). I enjoyed it, he made me feel good, but I couldn't get BG out of my head. There were a few times I had to tell M to stop and get him to completely back off because I would suddenly panic. He knew something was wrong cause the few time I had to get him to stop I would legitimately be shaking. I told him what happened over my birthday and he took it in stride. I didn't go into full detail about it, he just knows that something happened that I didn't entirely consent to.

I just, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop feeling sick with myself and disgusted and while I trust M and want to be okay with being intimate with him, I trusted BG and he did that to me. I think it's why I'm so terrified of M touching me sometimes; because what is innocent now could easily become not innocent. M doesn't know I was a virgin when it happened and I want to tell him but Im afraid it'll change his opinion of me or ruin how he looks at me. I'm afraid to tell anyone else mostly I think because I don't know if what happened to me could be considered anything because I did participate.

I'm terrified and I don't want to be this girl.

I'm sorry you went through that experience and that BG violated you when you were not able to consent (because of intoxication, and because you said no). I definitely think you shot yourself in the foot by telling people you had sex with him and it was awesome - I wish you hadn't done that.

I suggest you talk to a counselor about being sexually assaulted. They might be better suited to advise you through this traumatic situation.

Seconding pleasedonot5, when you’re so drunk BG is having to hold your hair while you throw up you are Definitely too drunk to consent. I am sorry that happened. BG quite possibly doesn’t realise how much he broke your trust but he did (If he was drunk too then it’s one of those murky grey areas but what is valid to you is your perception, that’s all that matters here).

Don’t let BG take up anymore space in your emotional landscape, it’s time to lineup a mental health professional who can help you work through your feelings (If that’s a possibility where you live, if not, try an online one, or finding other survivors to talk to).

I wish you all the best and speedy healing!

5aba,

I totally agree on seeking counselling, and I think the above comments cover that.

I am going to add, I also think you should consider reporting him to the police. I know that is incredibly scary, and it will tough. It may not be able to go to prosecution on the facts, and if it does that will not be easy for you. However, if you can find that strength in yourself, then you may actually find the process helpful (I used to work in Criminal Justice in New Zealand, both in the court and as counsel, and even though the system isn't perfect, I promise you 95% of us on both sides genuinely want justice). Furthermore, as I am sure you know, there is a cultural seachange happening toward sexual assault, particularly against women. Being brave enough to tell you story is really good. Seeking help from public services is totally your right; you have nothing to be ashamed of. And reporting a sexual predator is your right; you did nothing wrong.

Please know that I don't pass judgement on you or anyone for how you go forward. I reiterate that most important is helping yourself. But, as a man and a human, I want this to stop; I want you and everyone to be safe from these predators. If you can help make a difference... well anyway.

I really hope you are OK. Stay strong.

T

I agree with the people advising you to talk to a counsellor about being sexually assaulted. Imo, you were sexually assaulted. M sounds like a nice guy but in my opinion, the trauma of what you went through needs to be addressed with the help of a mental health professional. I will say that getting drunk to the point of not being able to consent or react is risky as it makes one vulnerable to a wide series of potentially harmful situations. In my opinion, blaming yourself that you "participated" is not valid given your level of intoxication. Noone should take advantage of an intoxicated individual but sadly we live in a very flawed world. Getting sexually assaulted was not your fault. You need to find a therapist to help you with your trauma. I wish you all the best in getting through this.