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Why do I miss my cheating ex so much?


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Hi everyone,

 

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years . He was the first man I ever lived with. We had been having trouble in our relationship for three years, ever since I found some emails between him and prostitutes on Craiglist.

 

As time went on, he kept contacting people on Craigslist for sexual encounters, and I kept giving more chances and he kept making false promises and breaking them.

 

Finally I had enough and ended it in October, moved out of the house and into an apartment on my own.

 

I have been very sad, depressed and thinking of him constantly. I thought maybe if I left him, that it would be enough to make him stop this behaviour but it seems I underestimated who he really was, as I saw him right back on a dating site (the one I initially met him on with identical profile and user name, which makes me think he simply never deleted it in the time we were together...) and it really hit me that... He's over it... And I'm not..

 

I spend my days pining for him, thinking of better days we had together and trying to get the idea of calling him out of my head...

 

My question is, why can't I just move on like he has? I'm the one who ended it, although the result wasn't what I'd hoped and I know I can't be with someone who isn't loyal, I know I can't have him... Why do I miss him so much?

 

Has anyone else gone through this? Is there any words of wisdom or advice you can give? It has been over three months since we split and I feel like I'm really struggling to move on... Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and offer help

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I'm sorry that you're struggling and I hope the pain eases soon. You were with this person for four years; its going to take a while to truly move on. Try to be kind to yourself as much as you can.

 

Regardless of how the relationship ended and what he did, you're still grieving the loss of the actual relationship. I'm willing to bet that if you really think about it, its less that you are missing him and more that you are missing the IDEA of what you thought you had with him. This is a hard loss to deal with. We can totally know that someone is wrong for us and that we did the right thing by ending the relationship, but when it ends, we have to say goodbye to the dream and hopes that we had for the relationship. This is not easy because in that, we have to say goodbye to a part of ourselves. I really think that's why its hard for us to let go sometimes. We are mourning for the loss of who we thought we were with that person too. It sucks, but is also a beautiful opportunity to grow and become an even better version of ourselves, for ourselves.

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Wow, thank you so much for this incredible response. This sheds so much light for me right now! It's hard to clearly understand or see what I'm going through right now, but my friends have told me a few times that I've had moments of clarity, so to me I'm hopeful I'll see the full truth soon.

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I'm sorry that you're struggling and I hope the pain eases soon. You were with this person for four years; its going to take a while to truly move on. Try to be kind to yourself as much as you can.

 

Regardless of how the relationship ended and what he did, you're still grieving the loss of the actual relationship. I'm willing to bet that if you really think about it, its less that you are missing him and more that you are missing the IDEA of what you thought you had with him. This is a hard loss to deal with. We can totally know that someone is wrong for us and that we did the right thing by ending the relationship, but when it ends, we have to say goodbye to the dream and hopes that we had for the relationship. This is not easy because in that, we have to say goodbye to a part of ourselves. I really think that's why its hard for us to let go sometimes. We are mourning for the loss of who we thought we were with that person too. It sucks, but is also a beautiful opportunity to grow and become an even better version of ourselves, for ourselves.

 

Nice response . .

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My ex husband had similar issues. Let me give you the long end of this story. If you stayed with him.... It's horrible to live with. Unless he admits he has an issue and gets help, you will live In fear for your health and safety....my ex had had sexual issues and became abusive over time as well.

 

I tried to love him through it and things just got worse over time. Anyone who will seek sexual encounters behind your back in a relationship has a problem. They have to admit it and get help and they still may not be well enough ever be in a healthy relationship with you.

 

Eventually 8 years of my life were gone and i spent 3 and a half years trying to get divorced. He still hasn't changed even after losing his wife and kid who both loved him very much and would have stayed if he got real help.

 

You are in pain. It is excruciating at times I am sure. I am sorry you are hurting and have to deal with betrayals. I am thankful that you didn't marry this guy and give him even more of your time and life. I lost $30000 trying to divorce my ex and lost love and my kid is suffering as well. You are worth more than that.

 

I hope that maybe one day seeing the end of what your story could have been by hearing what happened to me will help you let go and heal.

 

Sending you love and light and a hug. 😊

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Thank you for your thoughtful response. It is really helpful to hear stories from other people who have been through this and survived; it gives me hope. I know it will take a long time, but I'm hoping to wake up one day feeling a lot better and ready to really move on with life.

 

I almost made a big mistake with him financially too, when he bought the house he wanted me to put all my life savings down as a down payment on the house...I am so glad I didn't do that! At least I had the foresight not to do that, I just couldn't trust him enough at that point anymore.

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I know u r heartbroken and sad and rightfully so. But I am happy for you that you don't have more ties to this man. You can truly be free of him.

 

Do what you need to do to recover and heal. Trust me that it is best for you that you love yourself through this process and them find someone else who will be true to you and is as healthy as you are. You deserve better!

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Just know that you the way he treated you is exactly the way he will treat any future girlfriend he may have. You never had him to yourself, and no one else will either. This guy is just going to keep on keeping on with the same cheating behavior. That is not compatible to a good relationship....ever.:eek:

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This is one thing I keep telling myself, he was never really mine and will just do the same thing to some other unfortunate woman. You guys are right, I do deserve better. I deserve someone who will love me the way that I love them. I deserve someone who will be as loyal as I am.

 

Part of what hurts so much for me, is the realization that he "wasn't that into me", that everything I thought about how much he cared for me was false, and that he most likely never loved me... That really hurts badly. To think of all the time we spent together, we were living as common law and I honestly thought we would be married and get old together.... Why waste my time like this? He would've just kept going with his behaviour if I hadn't have left him. He would've just dragged me along for the ride..

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Paintergirl, you are so welcome! I'm sure you've been having moments of clarity mixed with confusion and doubt. Its very normal during the grieving process. I feel like when we are going through the loss of a relationship, we tend to focus a lot on the other person and the memories we shared...but at the same time, we forget that we've lost a piece of our own identity as well. This is probably why NC is so beneficial as it forces us to look at ourselves, and when we're ready, we can fully mourn and heal from within, which in my opinion, is the only way to really heal.

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Sorry this happened. The relationship was a sham. It's normal to grieve what you thought you had. What you miss is a a real relationship, not this sleaze. Creeps like that don't change. You were very smart to leave.

He was the first man I ever lived with. We had been having trouble in our relationship for three years, ever since I found some emails between him and prostitutes on Craiglist. I had enough and ended it in October, moved out of the house and into an apartment on my own.
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I think you're completely right about losing a piece of ourselves. When I really think about it, as you said I can see that I'm not being realistic when I think about him. I remember the good times, not all the terrible hurtful things he did. I actually made myself a list to refer to whenever I get the urge to contact him. It's a list of reasons not to contact him and it keeps getting longer and longer as time goes on.

 

I guess I'm getting used to everyday life without him at this point, but I did lose someone who was by my side every day for the last four years of my life. My partner in everything and I guess that's what I really miss. Having someone to come home to every night and wake up to every morning. It's hard to get used to being alone.

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One of the hardest things about it, is the realization that the relationship was a sham.. That's what hurts so much. I put so much into this relationship and really thought it was going to be for the long haul, only for it to turn out to all have been a waste of my time. It hurts to know that it never meant as much to him as it did to me. It hurts so badly to know that.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about how will I know if I can trust the next man? I know we're supposed to learn from our mistakes, but when you're in love you go into denial, you don't see or don't want to see the truth. I know I'm no where near ready to get back into a relationship, but it really scares me to think about the possibility this could happen to me again.

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It will take some time. However you won't even get to the point of "in love" with someone like this again because this creep gave you the gift of all the red flags to look for early on before you "go into denial". These will reveal themselves over time as you continue to distance yourself. The lies and excuses and behaviors will become clear in retrospect.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how will I know if I can trust the next man? I know we're supposed to learn from our mistakes, but when you're in love you go into denial, you don't see or don't want to see the truth.
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If I'm being honest in this moment, I'm truly scared to ever let another man anywhere near my heart. All I ever wanted was to give my heart to someone I can trust with it and to be able to love and trust freely, to let myself love without putting up walls.

 

I don't want to believe that he's ruined my chance at that...I don't want to allow that to happen, but right now that's truly how it feels. I feel like he's ruined me. He's ruined my ability to be open and to trust...

 

I hope in time I can heal and I can trust someone, and have the kind of love I've always wanted

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