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Friends, age gap and crossed lines...


CADAWAY

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Me: 45 yo single woman. Him: 25 yo single (paraplegic). Friends for two years. I support him in every way I am able; rides, house chores, appointments, locating resources related to his disability. We connect deeply, he is years ahead of his calendar years in intelligence and maturity. Once/twice every 2-4 weeks we stay up until 5, 6 a.m. engaging in deep, meaningful conversations (he may have a few drinks but otherwise we are sober). Our pasts, families, religions, politics, current events... no fluff. Occasional veiled flirting, no physical contact beyond hugs or cheek kisses. We exchange “I love you’s”.

Two months ago he made a move and we went for it. No actual intercourse. Hot, passionate and delicious. A day later, we were at it again. In four years since his accident he has not allowed any woman contact with his penis. I did. A few days later he has gone from sweet and touchy feely to closed off. When we are getting ready for bed he tells me he hates sleeping w anyone, so...blaming it on the physical issues that he deals with during the night. I was pissed and slighted and unprepared for the abrupt change. I didn’t think we were going to “be together” now, but felt we had found another layer to our friendship and would have enjoyed it. He genuinely apologizes and adamantly insists that he will do whatever I ask to repair any damage to our friendship. That his sex drive isn’t normal and comes and goes. I let it go.

Three weeks ago, when he arrived home from a 10 day vacation he has “that” look in his eye. We’re up visiting until 6:00 a.m. and then fall into bed together again. At 8:30, I leave his bed. Then it returns to status quo, as if it never happened. And now it feels like I only hear from him when he needs something.

The night before he went on vacation we went out for dinner and he drank quite a bit, he said at least 20 times that he had something to say, “you know what I’m trying to say...” And finally that he had been trying to say something “all night”. He never said and the next day he said nothing he could think of.

I am angry, confused and being passive aggressive with him now, old habits die hard. He texted me a question day before yesterday and I’ve ignored him. He blew up my phone this morning asking for the answer (I moved something in his apartment he couldn’t find). I was short and to the point. I know he knows I’m unhappy.

Ridiculously long post!

Question is, should I cut bait and walk away entirely? Should I let it go and attempt to just resume the friendship but stop the physical stuff? There is no potential for any “real” or conventional in the relationship aspect. I’ll be 50 before he’s 30!

 

I am upset bc he’s only reaching out when he needs something since the last time and he’s distant when we’re together. For Christmas I asked him to watch Brokeback Mountain with me, which he doesn’t want to do, but I wanted to make a point about the love story, gay or not, being incredible. I don’t ever ask him for anything. I do so, so much for him. I don’t expect anything in return but don’t feel bad about asking him to watch the movie.

I asked (texted) him to pick a night the other day, and laughed saying that it was happening! He replied with “we’ll see”. Nothing more until he was asking where I put an item in his place.

How can he be physically all over me and sweet and then cold/nothing the next day, and expect me to just roll with it? I’m not someone he picked up for the night. We have a two year history!

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Maybe he doesn't want to put your friendship in jeopardy by crossing those lines. Maybe he feels inadequate because of his physical limitations. Maybe the age difference bothers him. Maybe...you should ask him. Did these physical episodes take place while drinking/drunk? How did you end up being his caretaker?

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I guess you’ve hit the bullseye, Jibaltra. I adore his company, and he does invite me out w other friends sometimes but no...there is nothing else...maybe the sex has just brought to light the fact that he doesn’t feel the way I do about our friendship. I had a really bad day while I was at his house last, which led to me crying as I was leaving. He just said “I hope it gets better” and offered no comfort or support whatsoever.... thank you...you just illuminated what may be the whole reason I am upset.

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1/3 times he was drinking (the first time). Once he hadn’t drank in many hours. Once not at all. I used to work with people who are paralyzed, which he appreciates relating to his sexuality bc I know it all. I dated a guy who was paralyzed too, he knows nothing surprises me. And I am the only one he has allowed to explore his “goods” in 4 years. So I feel he’s comfortable...

We met randomly. I am a caretaker and giver by nature and if I can assist or make someone’s life easier, I will. So I do for him. No personal care, just errands, shopping, chores, etc.

He has been the initiator each time, so I don’t think he is concerned about the friendship being jeopardized nor the age thing an issue....why would he start then?

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You should probably step back from this guy for awhile so that you can give your emotions time to die down. If you are looking for a relationship it is probably not this guy. Put some space between you and him so that your heart will be open to other, mutual prospects. How did you randomly come to be friends?

 

Anyway, it doesn't look like this is 'it' for you. Sorry,

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Well, this post is all about you, but I think we need to know more about your "boyfriend." Is he just missing a leg or is it something worse? How did he lose it? Is he on meds? Painkillers? Anti-anxiety pills? Is he taking therapy? Is he depressed? Does he drink a lot? Is he physically attracted to you? Can he get an erection? Have you told him you want him, that you're hot for him? Or does he just feel you're taking mercy on him. Have you ever made a move on him rather than waiting until 6 am for him to do something? And was he a good person before the accident?

 

The point is that what he told you about his sex drive could be because of meds he's taking or the trauma he suffered. He could be suffering shame because of his disability. Maybe he's suffering anger and depression as well. What's happening may not have anything to do with you. Or perhaps he is afraid you might leave him and so why fall in love with you?

 

There's just a lot of things going on here and you need to find out more things that may be affecting him sexually and emotionally. So it's difficult to give you an answer. You don't want to be used or abused, so you need to know what is motivating him to do what he's going to you. Once you know that, then it would be up to you whether you stick with him as a friend, as a paramour, or you move on.

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I am a digital marketer & fundraiser and I read an article about fundraising that he is doing for a medical treatment. I reached out and offered to help. I’ve been doing it since. Up until now I genuinely felt appreciated and that he was sincerely grateful for all that I do. I guess I’m feeling now that it’s one-sided.

I am not looking for “it” with him, but I think I am now feeling it is very one sided, the friendship and care... yes, backing away is where I am leaning. Of course I struggle with not helping anymore... however today he started a clinical trial, and normally I am involved in all of that as well as documenting for fundraising and I didn’t even try to go nor ask about it...

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Is he just missing a leg or is it something worse? Broken back-paralyzed from waist down.

How did he lose it? Fell from a tree

Is he on meds? Painkillers? Anti-anxiety pills? No meds. Is he taking therapy? Not mental-PT only. Is he depressed? I don’t think in general, he has hard days but overall he does well.

Does he drink a lot? A few times a week

Is he physically attracted to you? All indications are yes.

Can he get an erection? Not without meds

Have you told him you want him, that you're hot for him? Or does he just feel you're taking mercy on him. Have you ever made a move on him rather than waiting until 6 am for him to do something? And was he a good person before the accident? Yes. I have told him. While he was on vacation I sent a couple naughty pictures, so have I physically initiated? No. Because I feel it’s on his terms bc of his intermittent interest.

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I would tell him, out of respect. Something along the lines of, "I'm looking for more than you are willing to give at this time. So it would be easier for me to stop seeing you." But be prepared to walk away. Don't hope for him to suddenly change his mind about the way that he is behaving.

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Thank you. The more I think about it in terms of the one sidedness the more pissed off I am. I give and give and give and I can’t even recall a time he has asked about me or my life or how I am with any depth or sincerity... is he grateful for my help? Yes. But it hasn’t extended beyond gratitude. I will go tell him and will walk away.

Thank you everyone. I am incapable of giving thoughts or advice to anyone else right now, but look forward to

reciprocating and getting to know everyone!

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If you took away his disability altogether and just concentrated on his actions it's very clear to see that he sees you as a friend with benefits and he initiates for benefits when it suits him. Its quite typical actually of how FWB usually work.

 

Can you accept that you're just someone he is comfortable enough to (try and) get sexually physical with? If not then next time he initiates something sexual, tell him you're not into doing that anymore and you think it's best you just keep your friendship platonic. (that's of course if you can handle trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

 

BTW: Ignoring his request to let him know where you moved an item of his was rude. Why would you do something like that instead of just telling him where the item was? What were you trying to accomplish by doing that? If you want to go no contact then that's fine but he has a right to know where you put his item(s) before you do.

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To make a point about how much he relies on me. It was nothing vital and it went from the end of his bed to the bedroom closet. When I replied this morning to check the closet. Heaven forbid he apply effort himself. Yep, I take my blame in that, he needs to as well.

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