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I don't understand my ex girlfriend


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I left my girlfriend of 1.5 years for valid reasons in October last year. We were different people and the relationship clearly was not having a future. I lost most of my attraction to her and there was very little love left from both of us.

 

So one day I made the move and pulled the plug. She agreed and it was mutual. She was hurt, but so was I. Even though it was the right decision it wasn't easy for us in the beginning. At first we exchanged a few more messages and one time she called me crying to me asking me to try again and I tried to comfort her and told her I need some time to think.

 

I went NC for a week after that. Then I started to miss her because she kept writing me, telling me it wasn't easy for her and she missed me. She told me that she was leaving the city to move to her best friend. It shocked me and I video called her and started crying back to her. Told her I was having guilt and regret even if it was the right decision. I asked her to give us a chance. She said no and smiled at me and hangs up.

 

I couldn't believe it, it just didn't make sense. I wanted it to end because it was the right thing to do, but part of me just refused to move one. Why did she not leave me alone try to get me back if she sees no future herself?

 

I kept calling her and she kept ignoring my calls. I started messaging her but she only rarely responded. I saw she already started dating online and I asked her how she can move on after two weeks. She said that she cares about me as a friend but that's all.

 

Over 2 months I continue to beg her in messages. In the beginning she still responded, but then she stoped. Her last message says "Take care of yourself".

 

Then I went to do no contact for 1 month and she wrote me merry christmas. I said thank you.

 

Then I did no contact for two weeks and then wrote her again to tell her I am mad at her action to never speak with me, but she only ignored me as always.

 

I feel like I lost all control in this situation and she kept her control and now she has super powers over me and I feel like I can't go on. She was making fun behind my back for how I acted. I never made fun of her when she came to me crying. I didn't love her anymore but why do I hurt so much? Why do I want her to hurt too? She was not a bad person before but now I am being ignored. Why is she ignoring me now? When at first she was the one to keep reaching out over and over? Why did she keep reaching out to just ignore me when I want to reconcile? What was her point?

 

How can she move on so easily? She was hurt first like me, but when I tried to save the relationship she just lost all her pain in one day and doesn't care about my pain anymore. I prefer to be open with my emotions especially with someone I trust. I trusted her very much and now I am afraid to ever show my emotion to people I trust. When she showed me her emotion I respect it too and try to help her, but when I show mine she ignores it and treats me this way. Can someone explain? What did I do wrong and how can I recover and make up the mistakes? Did I say something wrong to her?

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Turns out she is vindictive and quite literally turned the tables on you and took revenge.

 

That said, why do you allow these games and nonsense to carry on? You ended things because it needed to end. You don't love her anymore by your own admission. So what is the problem here? Why are you contacting her, chasing her, etc? It's over and done by your own choice and seems like for the best. You didn't lose control. You have full control and full power to delete this vindictive b from your life any time you want to. Her behavior actually validates your decision to end things with her. Do you really not see it?

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It was a very hard decision to make. It took me very long to find the courage to do this. I knew it would be very painful to end this. I was open to talk but wanted some space but she kept writing me and made it harder. I wanted the power to be equal and talk about things when the time is right and keep this friendly and mutual. At first she seemed to agree with no problems at all, so I gave us space, but she didn't like that. I would never ignore someone who will cry to me, but maybe in the future I should. She was 40 and I am 31. I cared about her and respected her so I would never ignore her or let her cry for me. I have never wanted to hurt her. What does she get out of this? Wouldn't it be best for both of us to be on good equal terms?

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It was a very hard decision to make. It took me very long to find the courage to do this. I knew it would be very painful to end this. I was open to talk but wanted some space but she kept writing me and made it harder. I wanted the power to be equal and talk about things when the time is right and keep this friendly and mutual. At first she seemed to agree with no problems at all, so I gave us space, but she didn't like that. I would never ignore someone who will cry to me, but maybe in the future I should. She was 40 and I am 31. I cared about her and respected her so I would never ignore her or let her cry for me. I have never wanted to hurt her. What does she get out of this? Wouldn't it be best for both of us to be on good equal terms?

 

You seriously cannot end a relationship and expect the other person to be your pal afterward. I'm sorry but you are being quite naive. You hurt her. She lashed out and hurt you back. Take this as a lesson learned. When you make a decision, stand by it, be clear with the person that it really is over and then go no contact with them. It's much kinder and nicer than dragging things out and engaging in this kind of drama.

 

You cannot control how the other person will react and what they will do about it. You can only control your own actions. So keep things clean, clear, and direct. No hanging on, no giving hope, no trying to play friends. Clean break like ripping off a bandaid. In short, be kind enough to give the other person room to accept, heal and move on without clinging to hope that you'll come back. If they cry, just reiterate that you care but that it is concretely and absolutely over. Don't jerk around because jerking around is cruel and in this case, you hurt yourself and landed in a mess.

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I did not want to play around, that's why I asked for space and went NC. She was the one who kept writing me and I saw she was hurt and she wanted to talk and reconcile. I hated myself to see her like this so I replied and she convinced me that we should try again but then she told me she is leaving the city. Why did she try to get back? Why did she not keep NC? Was her goal to hurt me?

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I don't want her back. I wanted her back in the beginning when she tried to change my mind. Then as soon as I started to give her the chance she was asking for she turns around only to hurt me.

 

But I guess your question is valid, and maybe the answer is the same as the reason she wanted me back. I wouldn't want to hurt her, but I guess its human nature to want what we can't have and rejection hurts. But I never rejected her in this way and I never would. I care about her and I believed her when she said she cared about me too. That's why I couldn't just leave her hanging, begging and crying. Why would I let her do this to herself?

 

I have come here to find help to get over this feeling of having screwed myself. Its more of a feeling of self hatred due to having let her treat me like this.

 

But maybe I know the answer to this too. Go complete NC, delete her from your life, move on and take care of yourself. Forgive yourself and learn from this for the future, especially when it comes to trusting someone who is emotional. Never trust anyone who shows you emotion. Just cut them out of your life before they hurt you.

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You say you thought long and hard about the breakup so I'm inclined to believe you made the right choice. It is near impossible to have a genuine friendship with someone fresh out of a breakup. A lot of space is needed and time for emotions to heal is necessary and for some being on friendly terms never happens again (and that is okay). I think where you went "wrong" is when you saw that she did not respect your boundary (your request for nc) you should have blocked her from communicating with you. Some people will push your boundaries until they can get you to give in, and then draw back, as you have experienced here. This may have not been a conscious action on her part.

 

Still, you know in your heart this relationship was not the best for either of you, so keep that in mind as you move past this moment in time. You have not screwed yourself. This is the same broken relationship you left months ago. You are just going through the hiccups of getting over someone is all. It will pass, if you let it. Stay (complete and total) NC from here on out. There is a better match out there for you, if you will let your heart get over this.

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I don't know why it matters to me so much, but that is one of the reasons why I came here to find out. Maybe you and I just don't have enough experience to answer this question. Maybe I did love her and that's why I have these feelings now.

 

It doesn't matter who broke up because no matter who made the decision it wouldn't have been easy. Its not like I was enjoying it or like I did it out of the blue. I thought about it for long, but maybe it wasn't long enough.

 

I just never thought she would pretend to be heartbroken just to hurt me back.

 

I wish I could just let it go. I don't know if it would have been easier if I had stuck to NC.

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It appears to be related to separation anxiety. Could be, I'm no psychologist. You could look it up on the web to learn more. I suggest look for videos on the topic on Youtube by Craig Kenneth. He has some good stuff about the feelings and emotions we go through in a break up.

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I just wrote her again yesterday. I told her that I want to know why she doesn't speak to me anymore. I asked her why she asked me to take her back just to hurt me.

 

She won't answer and I know that. I sent her so many messages and I wish I could find her. Since October I wanted to talk but never got any answer from her. I will never ignore someone who asks me for a conversation even if it is my ex.

 

One thing I still wonder about is how she had a broken heart for one week and then when I answered her her heart healed within a few days. Doesn't it take a long time to get over a broken heart? It has been 5 months almost and I still feel the same pain, maybe even stronger. I just started having all these questions I want answers. I didn't want to leave her broken hearted, so I wanted to help her, but it seems she just pretended to have a broken heart to make me change my mind and then hurt me.

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I left my girlfriend of 1.5 years for valid reasons in October last year. We were different people and the relationship clearly was not having a future. I lost most of my attraction to her and there was very little love left from both of us.

 

So one day I made the move and pulled the plug. She agreed and it was mutual. She was hurt, but so was I. Even though it was the right decision it wasn't easy for us in the beginning. At first we exchanged a few more messages and one time she called me crying to me asking me to try again and I tried to comfort her and told her I need some time to think.

 

I went NC for a week after that. Then I started to miss her because she kept writing me, telling me it wasn't easy for her and she missed me. She told me that she was leaving the city to move to her best friend. It shocked me and I video called her and started crying back to her. Told her I was having guilt and regret even if it was the right decision. I asked her to give us a chance. She said no and smiled at me and hangs up.

 

I couldn't believe it, it just didn't make sense. I wanted it to end because it was the right thing to do, but part of me just refused to move one. Why did she not leave me alone try to get me back if she sees no future herself?

 

I kept calling her and she kept ignoring my calls. I started messaging her but she only rarely responded. I saw she already started dating online and I asked her how she can move on after two weeks. She said that she cares about me as a friend but that's all.

 

Over 2 months I continue to beg her in messages. In the beginning she still responded, but then she stoped. Her last message says "Take care of yourself".

 

Then I went to do no contact for 1 month and she wrote me merry christmas. I said thank you.

 

Then I did no contact for two weeks and then wrote her again to tell her I am mad at her action to never speak with me, but she only ignored me as always.

 

I feel like I lost all control in this situation and she kept her control and now she has super powers over me and I feel like I can't go on. She was making fun behind my back for how I acted. I never made fun of her when she came to me crying. I didn't love her anymore but why do I hurt so much? Why do I want her to hurt too? She was not a bad person before but now I am being ignored. Why is she ignoring me now? When at first she was the one to keep reaching out over and over? Why did she keep reaching out to just ignore me when I want to reconcile? What was her point?

 

How can she move on so easily? She was hurt first like me, but when I tried to save the relationship she just lost all her pain in one day and doesn't care about my pain anymore. I prefer to be open with my emotions especially with someone I trust. I trusted her very much and now I am afraid to ever show my emotion to people I trust. When she showed me her emotion I respect it too and try to help her, but when I show mine she ignores it and treats me this way. Can someone explain? What did I do wrong and how can I recover and make up the mistakes? Did I say something wrong to her?

 

Do you think you only wanted her back because she was moving away and you know you couldn't have her? You stated you lost attraction to her. That's a pretty bold statement. Sometimes we only look at what was good in the relationship and overlook the bad. Perhaps reality really set in once she decided to move and maybe in the back of your mind thought there was a chance and she would always just be there? I don't think she lost her pain in one day. If I've learned anything it's that everyone grieves and handles pain in their own way. It's not always what you see at face value. Maybe it was too painful to live in the same city. Or maybe she just had to put herself first..... Either way things will workout the way they are supposed to in the end

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She's not perfect. She may have had residual feelings, but you decided to make her grovel and she gave up. Let her go.

I don't want her back. I wanted her back in the beginning when she tried to change my mind. I just never thought she would pretend to be heartbroken just to hurt me back.
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