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I’m not trusted because of my past


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I cheated on my ex-husband. Since that time I have come to many realizations. I went through

therapy for several years and overcame post partum depression, anxiety, mood swings and more. It’s been 4 years since I lost my husband and broke the lives of my young kids. Getting where I am now has been a struggle. I have had a few relationships since but continue to hear the same thing from most men in my life. Deep down they don’t think that I’ll be faithful. Most recently I dated a guy for 7 months. I told him as I did the others from the very beginning aboutthe break-up of my marriage. There were some differences between us but none as significant as what he has most recently shown. On 2 separate occasions my Now X R has brought up that I cheated on my ex husband and is triggered as if it had happened to him. Watching a movie the other night which was about a woman who was cheated on R was visibly angry towards me and I ended up leaving that night breaking up with him because of nasty things he had to say to me. The bottom line is he and I are clearly not a match.

 

The problem I have is a setback of guilt and a bout of depression because of the feelings that this situation

has stirred within. I am human and I made a horrific mistake that I live with every day. I split the home of my children and deeply wounded a man I still love. I have lived with regret and shame and had most recently made the best of this new life. After all the nasty things R said to me using words I shared with him in confidence to wound me has left me in a state of shock. He presented himself as something different and was secretly harboring all this hate. It has happened before except not to this degree in the past. Has anyone with a past like nine faced this challenge? I feel alone and just wanted feedback from anyone who could relate or could offer words of advice.

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Maybe not reveal the reason for the break up of your marriage until you can consistently only express great regret and remorse for what you did and that you intend to NEVER do something so awful to anyone else ever again. If you can get across that you have no interest in being that way to anyone, you have a shot. But some men won't trust you, very true.

 

Not the first date topic at all.

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All I can say is that you were smart enough to leave a psychotic twit who was intent on verbally and emotionally abusing you so good on you for not allowing him to do that to you.

 

There are a million men out there that have cheated on their spouse for one reason (excuse) or another. Find one of them and hopefully the two of you will be able to understand the other.

 

Don't let the emotional abusive psychopath cause you to forego any progress you've made with the help of therapy. He clearly has something wrong with him.

 

... and I agree, the topic of your failed marriage is not something to be bringing up on the first date.

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It doesn't sound like you've really come to terms with everything and found peace within yourself and your life. So maybe put dating on hold until you truly get there?

 

Other than that, don't use your relationships as a confessional for your sins or substitute therapy sessions. Maybe let the man see you, get to know you and learn that today, right now, you are in fact a trustworthy woman. Let him to come to that conclusion for himself and leave your past where it belongs - in the past. If you do eventually discuss it, then maybe keep it brief and matter of fact, taking full responsibility and zero excuses. Focus more on what you have done to ensure you never find yourself doing it again. No emotional intimate details. Again, don't treat your present relationship as a confessional.

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Babbsi I agree with the above. Don’t confess unless you are asked about it.

 

After all this time has past is your ex in a steady relationship or bouncing around as well?

 

If he is not do you have a relationship that might be fixed?

 

If he is in a relationship then just be patient and you will find someone. Let your actions speak for you as far as being faithful is concerned. Be open and honest about what you do. Don’t go overboard just let them see you have nothing to hide.

 

The other hard thing is the fact that you are still in love with your ex husband. Does being with someone else make you feel guilty? If so, try and work around that. I’m not saying rip it from you, just turn it to a more brotherly type it possible.

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Well, you've been working on yourself and making the effort. If someone cant accept that a person can change for the better with work, then that usually means that they believe they themselves can't change. That would be the only reason it isn't working out with them, based on what you've said.

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You sound really strong for what you have gone through. The right person for you won't judge you on your past or make you feel guilty about what you did. You have already suffered and learned your lesson. Stop beating yourself up! You are a different and smarter person now than you were back then.

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You’re right there are days I haven’t found peace. It usually passes and is worse when I’m alone. I chuckled because I have made a confessional situation in relationships. I’ve wanted to be trusted and figured that I’d lay it all out but that’s backfired.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you are not over your ex nor have you dealt with the depression or protracted guilt feelings. Also dating is not true confessions or therapy. It may be best to see a physician and get a workup to see if medications may be useful instead of just talk therapy.

 

Dumping all those feelings on someone new is overwhelming especially this part:

deeply wounded a man I still love.
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Well from a receiving point of view from a guy...

 

I would much rather know about past infidelity in the beginning than to find out after I am much more emotionally invested. So it wouldn't be as hard to break it off. But I would also mention how it is a zero tolerance issue.

 

But that guy sounds like an @sshole.

 

I can't understand how he thinks he has any right to put you down for your mistakes. It wasn't his relationship. He sounds like a verbally abusive and insecure bully.

 

If it was an issue he could have just acted like a mature adult and end it when he found out. Not act like he is fine with it but have a building resentment which eventually explodes.

 

You dodged a bullet with that guy.

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You’re right there are days I haven’t found peace. It usually passes and is worse when I’m alone. I chuckled because I have made a confessional situation in relationships. I’ve wanted to be trusted and figured that I’d lay it all out but that’s backfired.

 

True peace is when you feel at peace alone. Otherwise you are just running away from yourself, jumping into what sounds like awful relationships avoiding being alone. Stop. Breathe. Slow down...literally.... Heal from your past, continue to go to counseling if that's what you need to do. Keep away from mean crazy men. When you are in a bad place yourself, your judgment is clouded, so you will continue to run into men like this abusive a hole. Not liking your past and walking away is one thing, BUT using it to abuse you with is quite another.

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I'm in a similar situation although I was the other man. I worry no woman will want me although I still live with the guilt for years from the past relationship and have been in therapy. I dread meeting an awesome woman and her asking me if I've been in a relationship with a married person (or cheated because I believe that counts the same). I always want to be honest but am certain she will walk away if I tell her.

 

I wish you the best of luck but if I had your whole story I wouldn't judge so if they ask, be honest. If they don't, wait until the right time.

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It is absolutely their right to not want to date someone who cheated. Its called boundaries. There will be men who absolutely not date you. I won't sugar coat it. If you can tell them WHY you cheated. Not the classic "my husband was a jerk and didn't pay attention to me" but a real reason that is all you and how you have worked to change - then maybe. But you have to come to that first - to sort through your marriage, etc and be single for awhile.

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I should clarify that I love my ex but I know we were not right for one another. I am over him but I’m more guilt ridden when I see how this divorce has affected my kids.

After a few days since the incident I feel better. I’ve been working and spending more time

completely focused on my kids. I’ve also made plans with my girlfriends for when I don’t have my littles:) I have decided to work on myself and get away from dating for a while.

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I should clarify that I love my ex but I know we were not right for one another. I am over him but I’m more guilt ridden when I see how this divorce has affected my kids.

After a few days since the incident I feel better. I’ve been working and spending more time

completely focused on my kids. I’ve also made plans with my girlfriends for when I don’t have my littles:) I have decided to work on myself and get away from dating for a while.

Sounds like a solid plan.

 

Good luck.

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You don't need to confess all. Keep some things to yourself until you get established with a person.

 

Having said that...I know a woman who cheated on her husband of 20 years... Left him and her kids for another man who was married. Then she broke up with that guy for another guy. She's happily married now. It can happen. Just gotta find the right person who can accept you and your past mistakes. No one is perfect.

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