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Thread: Almost 3 decades apart

  1. #1

    Almost 3 decades apart

    I have had feelings for an amazing man who is much older than myself. I have kept my feelings to myself for almost 3 years now, but feel as if I am about to explode if I don't talk about it. I am fully aware that an age gap of almost 3 decades is unthinkable to many, and trust me, I have tried to talk myself out of how I feel but it seems impossible. My feelings continue to grow and I am now to the point where I am losing sleep every single night because of this. He is aware of how I feel, but is worried for me because of how large of an age gap is between us. Any advise would be appreciated.

  2. #2
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    How old are you both?

  3. 01-16-2018, 03:17 PM


  4. 01-16-2018, 09:03 PM

  5. #3
    I am 28, and he is 55.

  6. #4
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    Well, you have to ask yourself what is truly attracting you to him. Three years is quite a long time to still
    have those feelings without being in a relationship. What exactly is your relation to him? Friends? Coworkers?
    Just an acquaintence?

    He knows how you feel, and has concerns regarding the age gap, and unless he overcame those concerns,
    it would never work out. If you know what it is you want out of life, and have a pretty well developed level of
    maturity, you can let him know what your desires are.

    I don't know of many May-December relationships that have gone the distance, but it is possible.

    This is kind of relevant, because in my dating experience(I'm attracted to older men) they have had concern
    that as they age, I would lose my attraction for them, and the next concern was regarding sexual ability. I
    cannot tell you how many have said that they could not see someone still in their sexual prime wanting a man
    that may have to take pills prior to getting intimate. This is a legitimate fear. Also, if you want children, realize
    he may not want to. For me, I'm done, even though I can still conceive, but my pregnancies are a nightmare.
    I had one miscarriage and then my daughter, which was touch and go. Funny how they assume just because
    we can still get pregnant, that it means we want more kids lol :friendly_wink:

    Make sure you truly want to lay all this out on the line. That's why I say to really determine what is drawing
    you into him. Then go from there.

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  8. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How do you know him? Is he a coworker, professor, a friend? Is he in a relationship/married?
    Originally Posted by ready2run
    I am 28, and he is 55.

  9. #6
    I work with him. He is married. I can make excuses saying he is unhappily married, but the point is... he is still married. This is why nothing has happened, nor will it. The hardest part of this is trying to keep a big, fake smile on my face every day. I'm miserable inside.

  10. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Apparently, you're lonely and this man pays attention to you. If you want a bf, try meetups.com to find local groups of people who meet up for activities. Some are geared to singles in a particular age group. Other activities you might try: co-ed sports team, join a gym, take dance lessons, do volunteer work like environmental cleanups or being a zoo or museum docent, or building homes for Habitat for Humanity.

    You will be sabotaging yourself by pursing someone who is married. NEVER a good idea. Even if he was single and close to your age, avoid dating colleagues, because more often than not, relationships fail and you have the awkward task of seeing the ex every day at work. The Dr. Phil show had statistics that age gap relationships of 20 years have a 95 percent divorce rate. 30 or more, the rate somehow skyrocketed to far past 100 percent.

    You can train your brain to think of this man as just another co-worker, and if he's acting inappropriately toward you, it's up to you to create boundaries and put a stop to the nonsense. The fact that you're fantasizing about someone who is totally a poor candidate makes me think you aren't even ready for a real relationship. If you have barriers about being in a romantic relationship with a single man close to your age, perhaps you need to figure that out first, and seek therapy if necessary.

  11. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like a crush on a married coworker. It sounds like he is merely being nice at work.
    Originally Posted by ready2run
    I work with him. He is married.

  12. #9
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    OK, when you fantasize about this guy at 55, turn him into 85 when you are 58 and still in your prime.

    Are you going to be ready for the resthome when he is?

    And if you were to break up his marriage, are you ready for his kids to hate you? And his reduced income? He'd be paying alimony to the ex.

    And as for intimacy? You'll be cutting yourself short. Viagra only works to a degree.

    Not so much of a fun fantasy once you play it out.

  13. #10
    It's not that I'm lonely... I date and keep myself busy with friends. I'm seeking guidance on how to handle this difficult situation I have found myself in. I have seen a therapist and it did help, but I didn't hear anything that I haven't heard before. There is nothing inappropriate that happens between us and I am positive that nothing will happen. We are both extremely cautious and respect each other. I purposely hadn't expressed my feelings for 3 years strictly because of the fact that we work together. Please don't be so quick to judge if someone is or isn't ready for a 'real relationship.' I was married for a short time and divorced about 4 years ago, and now I definitely have a guard up when it comes to meeting new people. I'm not looking for a quick fix fling, heck I'm not even looking for a relationship... the feelings I have for him came on their own and I have grown to love him.

    I am aware of the statistics. I am aware that we probably will never have children. I am aware that we will probably not ever have the chance to be together, but I am just looking for some guidance. Something that I haven't heard, or some type of advice that can help ease the discomfort of seeing the man I love everyday without acting on it.

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