My boyfriend is not sexual or affectionate towards me at all

Hey, I have never used one of these sites before and have been looking at other people's stories for months but would really like some advice for me.

I have been with my boyfriend now for just over a year, he is from an outsiders point of view the most perfect boyfriend. He is kind, trustworthy and he looks after me. I have never had suspicions of him cheating and I am 100% sure he isn't, he leaves his phone around all the time and we are practically living together.

It's just the thing is and it's something I really struggle with, he is just not affectionate or sexual around me at all. I have spoken to him about it countless amounts of times and I know it sounds stupid but sometimes I just cry because it's so frustrating. I am a really affectionate person so I will be cuddling him and telling him I love him all the time and sometimes I feel like I get nothing back. After I speak to him about it I can see that he is trying but it's hard because I can almost feel that it's forced on his behalf and it only lasts maybe a couple of days. I know it's not him trying to be mean it's as if he has just been brought up this way and he never saw his parents be affectionate towards each other. He never holds my hand in public or puts his arm around me or anything and it really gets me down!

Another thing is that he is never sexual towards me. A lot of the time when I make a move on him he turns me down. His excuses are always that he's too tired or he's got a headache and when we do finally get to have sex he always finishes really quickly and just leaves me there unfinished. I tried to show him some sex toys the other day and he literally just laughed at me. When we're not in the bedroom he will never touch my bum or kiss my neck or anything. I feel so unattractive especially when I find that he's watching porn regularly! We had a conversation last night and he told me that he knows he needs to be more affectionate and more sexual, but I can't help thinking that I am forcing him into this and now every time we have sex it's because I have forced him otherwise I get upset, I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation. Please help! Ruby x :love-struck:

Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible in this area. First, stop smothering and begging. Don't sweat the nonsense stuff such as "he will never touch my bum or kiss my neck" Does he drink a lot? Was it different in the beginning?

I have been with my boyfriend now for just over a year. A lot of the time when I make a move on him he turns me down. His excuses are always that he's too tired or he's got a headache. he's watching porn regularly.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible in this area. First, stop smothering and begging. Don't sweat the nonsense stuff such as "he will never touch my bum or kiss my neck" Does he drink a lot? Was it different in the beginning?

No he rarely drinks and when he does it's only socially. Sex was different in the beginning but he has never been affectionate. Can I add too that I think he has had quite a few sexual partners and he has said to me before he doesn't want sex as much as he used to

Is he older? Don’t guys get less interested/active as they get older? I could be totally wrong about this, it’s just a theory.

Is he older? Don’t guys get less interested/active as they get older? I could be totally wrong about this, it’s just a theory.

Yeah he's 24 so a couple of years older than me, maybe I should look into that. Thank you x

Google the internet for porn addiction. It's pretty scary. It actually changes the brain and sex with a real-live woman no longer does it for a guy. If that's the case or if he has a low libido, it doesn't matter. The fact is his lack of attention in that area makes you feel regularly frustrated and undesirable. I've been in a very similar situation as you and it lasted a year. He actually broke up with me and I later found out he did me a HUGE favor, as I was able to meet my future husband 10 months later, with whom I'm sexually compatible with, and I'm far happier with him in so many other ways the other guy was lacking in.

If you stay with him, you're settling and will continue to live a part of your life miserably. Most people have good traits, and he does, but his lack of affection and low libido should be a deal breaker to you. Breakups are upsetting, but necessary when the alternative is living an unsatisfactory life. The secret to happiness is to cut off the guy as soon as you see a deal breaker. This will allow you to be single when a man who ticks ALL of your boxes comes along. Take care.

Thank you for replying to my post. I feel glad that there are other people going through this, I feel ridiculous for even moaning about it. Did you ever speak to your ex partner about how you felt? Do you think I am being unreasonable asking more from him when it's obviously not in him to be affectionate? Thank you x

Google the internet for porn addiction. It's pretty scary. It actually changes the brain and sex with a real-live woman no longer does it for a guy. If that's the case or if he has a low libido, it doesn't matter. The fact is his lack of attention in that area makes you feel regularly frustrated and undesirable. I've been in a very similar situation as you and it lasted a year. He actually broke up with me and I later found out he did me a HUGE favor, as I was able to meet my future husband 10 months later, with whom I'm sexually compatible with, and I'm far happier with him in so many other ways the other guy was lacking in.

 

If you stay with him, you're settling and will continue to live a part of your life miserably. Most people have good traits, and he does, but his lack of affection and low libido should be a deal breaker to you. Breakups are upsetting, but necessary when the alternative is living an unsatisfactory life. The secret to happiness is to cut off the guy as soon as you see a deal breaker. This will allow you to be single when a man who ticks ALL of your boxes comes along. Take care.

Thank you for replying to my post. I feel glad that there are other people going through this, I feel ridiculous for even moaning about it. Did you ever speak to your ex partner about how you felt? Do you think I am being unreasonable asking more from him when it's obviously not in him to be affectionate? Thank you x

Some people simply aren't physically affectionate and don't like touching or being touched all the time, aka you being in their space constantly. It can actually feel smothering and exhausting and kills sexual desire. This doesn't make him broken, just completely different from you. Frankly, you and him sound like polar opposites in that respect. So it might be that despite all his good qualities, this incompatibility isn't something you can live with. At the very least try to compromise a bit and stop with the constant touching, hugging, kissing, etc, etc, etc. Give him some personal space and see if that actually improves his libido where it matters.

As for what's going on the bedroom. Honestly, quickly getting off and then leaving you with nothing is simply lazy and selfish. That's not about you or your attractiveness - you have a partner who is too lazy to give a crap about your satisfaction and unfortunately, you continue to shower him with attention and relationship privileges, so why should he bother trying to please you? Sure, you whine and complain about it, but.....you are still around showering him with all you got...so your words mean nothing. I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap and would take a much less kind approach and be blunt - either he takes care of things in the bedroom and leaves me breathless or he needs to pack his sh$t and get out of my life and mean it. Literally wouldn't tolerate this kind of lazy bs at all.

Yes, I did speak to the guy about it, but nothing improved. And you've said you've already spoken to him countless times and nothing has improved. What you see is what you get, and it isn't what you want.You only have one precious life on the planet. Choose your lifetime partner wisely, because there are no do-overs. I'm 100 percent happier with a partner who matches me, and you will be to when you give yourself a chance to find him.

Yes, he warned you that he's not as into it as you. You'll be starved for affection if you stay with him. He won't change his nature for you just as you won't change your nature for him.

Do you think I am being unreasonable asking more from him when it's obviously not in him to be affectionate?

Thank you for replying to my post. I feel glad that there are other people going through this, I feel ridiculous for even moaning about it. Did you ever speak to your ex partner about how you felt? Do you think I am being unreasonable asking more from him when it's obviously not in him to be affectionate? Thank you x

So sorry you feel this way, I do understand you very well. I was in relationship with a person like that. It's not gonna change:(

In my case red flag showed up pretty soon and I even talked to him about it, he was first saying that's the way he is, then got scared of loosing me and convinced me he will change. He didn't not of course and things only got worse.(That wasn't a reason of a break up but it totally contributed to it). It was different in the beginning, like it always is. Then pretty soon I started feeling miserable as being affectionate with each other is very important to me, and I am very affectionate person. He didn't like to get sexual outside a bed, we were not kissing and hugging each other in other part of the house let say, i didn't get why we have to be in bed only to have sex. He was saying it's more comfortable like that. Then it got to the point that he didn't want me to hug him at night, even for a few, when we were falling asleep. He barely hugged me at night. I caught myself waiting for it every night and then was waking up upset when he didn't. He didn't like me hugging him or kissing him during the day, no cuddling while watching movies. Of course sex became not pleasing for me too. He never tried to warm me up and get flirty with me before sex, but only expected me to do smth or if I didn't do smth then there wasn't any foreplay at all.He knew it was bothering me, so he would through me some breadcrumbs from time to time, it made me feel that again everything happens only when he feels like it, but now when I ask him too.

The only time i got smth was on public, i don't understand why. Like he would hold my hands and would touch me or give me a kiss, maybe bc he was trying to show that i was his GF and to show people that everything is great, I don't know.

What else can i say - it was killing me and bothering me all the way, I was kinda always aware of that and was thinking he didn't love me. Even though he was helping me in everything, was always standing for me, and was very reliable back then. I tried and I thought i can't have it all. That I have to appreciate other things and put up with what's missing or what i didn't like. So i was thinking that i just ask too much. He was saying that's the way he is. I think now it wasn't love.

Now i know nothing good will come out when you agree to a mediocre relationship, even if just one thing is missing - you will still not be able to happily live without it, because it's important to you. Even if he loves you or more importantly if he ignores your needs. The definition of great relationship can differ depends on what you need, but if he is all good and take care of you and not giving you enough intimacy then it's not enough. For you.

You’ve spoken to him. Middle ground has to be reached here. Its not fair to leave you ‘unfinished’ all the time, especially if he isnt supplementing that with physical affection at other times. If he’s not willing to make the effort, why should you?

Rubyspinks. I am interested in your outcome. What has happened since?

I am in the the exact same situation as you, but I am married and have children, so its more of a door to walk out of.

Has it always been like this from the start? I ask because he just may not be into you. Hes just afraid of being by himself. You deserve better someone who cant wait to touch and grab hold of you.

Trust me i dated a jerk for six months who was the exact same way except we didnt do anything sexual or even hold hands!

I felt like a Nun.

It came to be he just wasnt into me.

Lisa

Google the internet for porn addiction. It's pretty scary. It actually changes the brain and sex with a real-live woman no longer does it for a guy. If that's the case or if he has a low libido, it doesn't matter. The fact is his lack of attention in that area makes you feel regularly frustrated and undesirable. I've been in a very similar situation as you and it lasted a year. He actually broke up with me and I later found out he did me a HUGE favor, as I was able to meet my future husband 10 months later, with whom I'm sexually compatible with, and I'm far happier with him in so many other ways the other guy was lacking in.

 

If you stay with him, you're settling and will continue to live a part of your life miserably. Most people have good traits, and he does, but his lack of affection and low libido should be a deal breaker to you. Breakups are upsetting, but necessary when the alternative is living an unsatisfactory life. The secret to happiness is to cut off the guy as soon as you see a deal breaker. This will allow you to be single when a man who ticks ALL of your boxes comes along. Take care.

You may not like to hear it, but what you are describing is classic porn addiction. If you want the relationship to improve, he has to admit this to himself and make some changes - to end his porn addiction.

If he has to choose between you and porn and he chooses porn, then you need to get out of the relationship and consider yourself to have dodged a bullet. The relationship would just deteriorate from where it is now until even the good parts you have now will decay and disintegrate.

If he will admit to his problem and make an effort to change things can and probably will improve.

Good luck.

I couldn't even finish reading the replys. Each one was vAlidating what I've been going through,and making me finally realize how far I'm gonna have to go be happy again. I've been dealing with this for almost 5 years,and I just learned myself how common this is yesterday. You don't wAnna talk to anyone about it cuz it feels like they'll be like "haha well what's wrong with you" but nothing is wrong with us .I didn't accept that for a long time and still as a woman hard on herself not fully convinced. The first thing I thought from your story was porn addiction, but then again maybe a previous relationship went bad and doing it himself became a habit. I've dealt with that,it's like I can do me In 20 sec n not really have to move.

When my husband ,then just boyfriend of few months, (yeah I still went there) started this I would catch him watching porn,I watch porn,still sucks but oh wel!. Well he's alwAys been with older women and I'm 8 yrs younger. And it would alwAys be milf stuff. I'd be begging for sex and he chose alonein the bAthroom instead. so what does that tell you? The porn didn't continue probably cuz my reaction. I'd cry myself to sleep some nights right beside him wondering what's wrong with me all of a sudden when he was so ravenous towards me.

But yes they're right. Don't smother him, don't be passively y either just act like you don't even know a difference. Plus it makes you feel pathetic like why do I sound so desperate. You might already be to the point where you've lost your courage to just randomly start something afrAid of rejection but if not try it and if he does say hmm fine I'll just go do it mysekf. We quit initiating but sometimes you have to fAce the fear of feeling stupid if you wanna try to make it work because the love them. anyways k!I'm rambling but last but not least, pleAse keep record of his behavior and how serious he is and if that turns into sometjjng more natural. If not leave. Leave leave leave. This past 5 years have changed everything about me on the inside. It's hard for me to admit cuz that breaks my heArt too , get selfish before it does that. I'm a strong chick too so I'm why it hurts so bad

But it does

And the quickie thing.URGH i finally still made him finish me with my toy.pleAsing the other person shoild be half the fun. To an extent I don't get mad about fasties,I just miss the being catered to.

Wow so sorry that got so long. My relationship has come to a head so tonight is the night To try to get my courage up to do something for myself. I have a 2 year old so probably just go somewhere at night .my Husand Is Amazing Man and i love Him WIth All my Heart But I Just cant anymorw. And Absolutely Dont Want My Daugter To learn Thats normal

May be he is least interested in things what you expect. At all the time, he will not kiss you or hug you. Try to speak wisely if you are really interested in him.