Broken up with because I "save too much money"

My boyfriend (26) recently broke up with me (23) citing my saving habits as a reason for him not wanting to stick around.

Our relationship moved extremely quick after he left a long term relationship with someone else. Within a month of leaving her, he convinced me he was in love with me and moved in to my apartment where both my mother and I lived. I met him while taking a year off before heading to grad school. My intentions for this break were to save money as I am paying my entire way through my second degree (rent, tuition, groceries, etc). But meeting him obviously meant spending more to share in dates and experiences. I had very recently paid back all of my student debt from undergrad ($40,000) so my bank account was dependent on me living paycheque to paycheque. This definitely caused some tension between us.

While I was saving wherever I could, I learned that my boyfriend had zero budget. He was starting his PhD soon in a big city and had never paid rent or lived on his own. He wasn't even paying rent while living with me. So I was extremely surprised to learn that he had $100,000 racked up in student and credit card debts. He always got his parents to pay for necessities like clothes and shoes while he spent money he didn't have on fancy dinners and nights out with me.

I would always suggest doing activities more within our means but he refused and would pay for both of us, thinking I would appreciate such grand gestures, but it only made me more nervous. I found myself often apologizing to him for wanting to save my money and then spending more than I expected just to try and please him.

A few weeks before we were set to move away, he asked me for money so he could pay off his credit card bill. I was unsure how he couldn't even pay off the minimum amount but he admitted to having let payments slide for the past few months. I had been trying my best to split everything we did, even giving him a monthly stipend for gas as he drove us around often. I told him I wasn't comfortable lending him the money since I was looking at huge expenditures in the next month after moving away. I asked him to turn to his parents or siblings instead but he said he was too embarrassed to after going to them a few times before. He eventually got enough money in birthday gifts from his family to be able to pay it off.

About two weeks later, he broke up with me out of the blue initially citing long-distance as being too much effort. Then two months later he calls me up to say he's in love and very serious with someone new. She apparently likes to "enjoy life" more than I do (his words). Recently found out they've gone on a Eurotrip for the holidays. So much for his crippling debt...

I still can't help but wonder if he was right in some way. He would always tell me that I was too young to be saving my money so much. But debt is not something I want following me around. I got rid of it so that I could feel a bit more free and know exactly where I stood. I'm feeling like he's in this pattern of having girls take care of him, pamper him and then allowing him to spoil them (without them knowing that he doesn't have the means to). Is this destructive behaviour?

I heard this story a lot of times. Supposed "boyfriends" working their new girlfriends for money, asking them to pay for dates and even entire credit card bills, as yours did. You were wise to blow him off. If you gave him money, you probably would have never seen him again and would have never been paid back. You dodged a bullet on this one. Plus he would have made a poor boyfriend because he would spend all the money that you saved.

Good for you for paying off your degree and funding your next degree. Don't let anyone dis you for being a saver! My parents accomplished everything they wanted by saving while their brothers and sisters live off welfare and hand-to-mouth existences. Unfortunately, my mother has given some of my aunts and cousins money that they could have saved if they weren't so busy "enjoying life (that is sleeping with lots of partners and having kids they couldn't take care of).

Hmm...

The two of you sound financially incompatible. You come across as responsible in this department...doing your best to look out for yourself.

It's appropriate to save money for specific things, like covering your education in this instance. You're not saving for the sake of saving, but rather for something very specific and important to you. Not everyone is capable of doing this.

He sounds completely irresponsible the way you've written about him. No sense of financial responsibility. Perhaps no concept of what it means to actually fend for himself. He sounds like he's been spoiled most of his life. And no one is doing him any favours by giving him handouts.

You're better off from the sounds of things. Can you imagine any sort of future with someone who views things so differently than you do? Even a short term future. He minimized your needs...needs that you clearly defined. Money aside, that's not something any of us hope for from a partner.

You can have fun and save money for what's important to you at the same time. And loads of people will respect this and agree to help make it a priority in your life.

Just my two cents...

Yes, his behaviour is very destructive. It's a good thing he is no longer your problem. You dodged a bullet. It's a good thing you had healthy boundaries.

Wow talk about dodging a bullet. Your saving and spending habits are just fine. This guy is a user and a leach.

Your first clue was how he jumped from one relationship to another. Convinced you that he is in love with you and within a month managed to talk his way into moving in with you and you actually supporting him. Actually he is more than just a user, he is a conman. Fortunately for you, you weren't an easy target and so now he found someone else and I guarantee you that the poor girl is paying for everything, including the trip.

Please learn from this OP - when someone is moving in on you that fast and hard, telling you how they are so instantly in love, asking for money, asking to move in with you that's your giant flashing neon sign to run from this person like the wind. True love isn't like a rom com, it actually takes time to develop and you should never ever allow the guy to move in with you until you've been dating him for at least a year or more and are satisfied with the relationship and who he is and how he treats you. Don't fall for sweet talking conmen. Yes, they are a lot of flash and hot air and can make you feel very good if you are vulnerable....except it's all fake and for show so they can get under your skin and use you later.

Agree with the others. He's at the very least a player and a conman; at the most, he's a sociopathic user.

There are so many clues within your few paragraphs:

--Moving from one relationship to another super quickly, possibly/probably overlapping them, which means he was lining up each girl prior to official break-ups, even though you'd never know it.

--Professed his love for you early (Lovebombing), and moved in quickly.

--Horrible financial management, but expects you to help him out

--Lives beyond his means, with fancy dinners and Euro trips, to show the world how great his life is. Grandiosity. Probably posts a lot of it on SM?

--Broke up because he finally realized you wouldn't allow him to be a parasite off of you.

Good for you, get this one off your brain and out of your life.

And look for the red flags sooner next time, so you can keep these parasitic losers away. Google narcissistic relationships, you'll find about a million articles of what you exactly describe.

I heard this story a lot of times. Supposed "boyfriends" working their new girlfriends for money, asking them to pay for dates and even entire credit card bills, as yours did. You were wise to blow him off. If you gave him money, you probably would have never seen him again and would have never been paid back. You dodged a bullet on this one. Plus he would have made a poor boyfriend because he would spend all the money that you saved.

 

Good for you for paying off your degree and funding your next degree. Don't let anyone dis you for being a saver! My parents accomplished everything they wanted by saving while their brothers and sisters live off welfare and hand-to-mouth existences. Unfortunately, my mother has given some of my aunts and cousins money that they could have saved if they weren't so busy "enjoying life (that is sleeping with lots of partners and having kids they couldn't take care of).

I totally agree with this. I am a saver so I appreciate your hard work to save your money. I think this guy just wanted access to your money since he seemed unwilling to earn his own. Why work when someone can give you cash? You are better off without him. Dont ever let anyone tell you you are weird or nuts or stupid to save your money. You should save however is appropriate for you. The less debt anyone has, the easier their life will be.

Unfortunately, not only is he on the rebound, he's a spoiled entitled brat who should keep his nose out of your finances. No one needs a free-loader to micromanage their lives. Do not give him money, he's a sociopath. Read up on it. Don't let him intimidate you. Be glad this user is gone and picked his next victim/sugar-mama. Block him immediately ion everything.

Within a month of leaving her, he convinced me he was in love with me and moved in to my apartment. He wasn't even paying rent while living with me.he asked me for money so he could pay off his credit card bill.he broke up with me out of the blue initially citing long-distance as being too much effort.

This guy is an entitled little boy who has never stood on his own two feet. He was looking for a sugar mommy and, when realised you were acting like an adult and wouldn't indulge him, he took off.

Please don't let this kind of garbage make you feel bad about taking responsibility for your own life and forestalling problems before they even start:

He would always tell me that I was too young to be saving my money so much.

What he meant was that you should have been spending it on him. Heck, if you haven't got the money there are many, many ways of having a good time without spending any. Legally, too.

Luckily for you, he's found someone else to carry the can for him. Unluckily for her, it's her.