Rejection Has Its Grip On Me Lately

Hello all,

I'm looking for some insight and guidance. Six weeks ago, I ended my relationship with a man I'd been with for two years. Both of us are divorced; he has children from his previous marriage, I do not.

The first year of our relationship was solid. He was super-attentive, affectionate, considerate and very loving. He was the first serious relationship I had since my divorce (which was finalized in 2014). I met his children several months into the relationship and it felt like things were heading in a real positive direction overall. He and I both valued our alone time, but we usually spent 2-3 days/nights each week together. I've never been the type of person who needed to be in constant contact with a significant other and this was something he'd repeatedly told me he appreciated about me. Nonetheless, in the first year and half, we would at least text once or twice a day on the days we weren't going to see each other. Over this past summer, things started shifting a bit. Sometimes I'd go a day or two without hearing from him at all. We still stuck to our usual schedule of getting together a few times a week, and while I missed the daily "good morning" texts, I wasn't all bent out of shape about it. It was just something I'd noticed and he even brought it up and said something to the effect of "I hope you're not mad that I'm not texting you as much". I assured him I wasn't. He also said he sometimes worried that we would run out of things to talk about at some point, which I laughed off...I mean, my user name here is "chattygirl", so let's just say I'm never one to be at a loss for words lol.

A topic that came up early-ish in our relationship was how nowadays, couples often stop "trying" in relationships. We'd spoken about our failed marriages and what we learned from them, and I felt we were both on the same page and understood that in long term relationships, there comes a time when the newness wears off. Its at that point where the work of relationships comes in. He'd even said that he believed passion in relationships doesn't have to die out as long as both partners are willing to work at things to keep it fresh and interesting.

So fast-forward again to last summer. His mom was terminally ill and passed away; his family lived a few hours away in the town he grew up in. I offered to go with him when it became apparent his mom was in her final days, but he told me it wasn't necessary. In the two years we were together, other than meeting his kids, I never met any of his other family members, who lived out of town. Before his mother died, she'd even asked him when he was going to bring me around. I'd spoken to his brother on the phone, who also asked me when I was going to meet the rest of the family. I felt like a moron, because I had no answer other than "you'll have to ask your brother about that". Nonetheless, I didn't press the issue with him but it did hurt my feelings. Shortly before his mom passed, I did bring up to him that I felt he was becoming distant and at that time, it was a brief conversation and I dropped it because of everything that was going on with his mom. He basically told me he didn't mean to shut me out but that he's been used to keeping people at arms length for many years now. I explained to him that as his girlfriend, I wanted to be there for him and let him know he didn't have to go through any of this alone. My support was there for him whenever he needed it.

When he returned from his mom's funeral, he seemed ok, but I almost think he was a little "too" ok...like he hadn't really processed things yet. I understand everyone grieves in their own way and from what he'd told me, he didn't have a super close relationship with his mother. Still, this was feeling like a sign something was a little off to me. Then, over the next few months, he continued to grow more distant from me. Our sex life pretty much flatlined; even though he was still spending 2-3 nights a week with me, there was minimal physical affection in the bedroom. I would try to initiate things at times, and he would just not respond. That just killed me inside. I should also mention at this point, that my ex has issues with ED. For a while, he was willing to take medication, but then he stopped, complaining that it was too expensive. Now, even having said that, up until those final months of the relationship, he was always willing to physically please me, even if things weren't working for him at that time. So after a month or so of getting little to no affection from him, I had another talk with him about feeling like he was pushing me away again. He admitted being aware he was neglecting our relationship and started talking again about how he felt like we were running out of things to talk about, and saying things like "love is a chemical reaction that is destined to fade". I called him out on this BS, reminding him what we'd talked about in the past and how if both partners are willing to put in the effort, things don't have to "fade". I would try to come up with new and different things for us to do together (even activities that we could bring his kids along to), and at first he would seem receptive, but 9 times out of 10, when it came to actually doing the activity, he would have an excuse or flat out say he didn't want to do it. For a couple weeks after this conversation, he made a few half-hearted attempts at rekindling the physical side of the relationship, but it was definitely not the same anymore.

Then this last holiday season began to approach. He was planning on traveling to see his family out of town again, without me. I asked him if he would be back by New Year's Eve and he said he "didn't know" and wondered why I asked. I was like, "DUDE! Because I don't know, I might actually WANT to spend a holiday with you??" That was the last night we saw each other. He was supposed to come by the following weekend, and then the morning of, told me he had some stuff he wanted to do and would come over on Saturday instead. I said ok. Saturday came and he suddenly had to drive one of his kids to their job and couldn't commit to when he'd be free to come over because he wasn't sure when the kid was getting out of work that day. On Sunday, I texted him and asked him to come over because I wanted to have a talk with him, he refused because he said he wasn't feeling well. I was super pissed at this point and demanded he come over (I am the least demanding person on earth, but by now I was tired of being patient and understanding). He knew what was coming and would not see me and instead asked me to call him. So after two years together, we broke up via a phone call. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to break up with him, especially over the damn phone, but as we talked and as I brought up for the third time in the past few months about how little of a priority I felt I was to him, I could tell nothing was going to change. I brought up everything from him not wanting me to meet his family, to feeling shut out by him, him not having touched me in weeks, etc. I probably sounded like a nagging but I was at my wits end. Finally he said, "You're right, we've drifted apart". I asked him what he wanted and he didn't have a real answer. I told him I wanted to be a part of something and feel as though I had a partner to share with, but that I also couldn't do this alone anymore...maybe our relationship had run its course. He agreed. I asked him if this was what he wanted. He didn't answer. Minutes (felt like hours) went by in silence. So I said, "well ok. I guess there's my answer". And essentially, that was the end of it.

The first couple weeks were awful, as I'd expected. We have never spoken again since that last phone call. I committed myself to NC. I deleted him from Facebook. I've heard nothing from him. Sure, in those first few weeks, I was hoping he'd reach out, but he hasn't. It was getting easier, little by little, day by day...until a little less than two weeks ago when I lost my job. Now, I feel like I'm grieving him all over again and perhaps even more so than before. My routine has literally been uprooted and I've been having to force myself not to contact him. I'm not even sure what I would say if we did speak because I'm pretty devastated over losing my job and I feel like my life is going backwards. I wouldn't want him to see me this way anyway. Yet I get angrier knowing that another day has gone by and he has made no effort to contact me again. That this is really what he wanted and of course I'm questioning my self worth all over again. The thing is, I'm so lost and sad and feeling like there's only so much rejection and loss I can take in such a short period of time. I don't know what to do...I just want to feel like I have something good in my life because right now I feel like I have little to be grateful for. I have some family and friends I can lean on, but at the same time, I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

Anyway, I apologize for the mini novel here. I guess I'm looking for some positivity, validation, any words of wisdom from you lovely folks. I'm trying to heal and I'm running out of motivation to stay strong and move forward. Thank you for reading though this!

So sorry you're going through this. I'm right there with you.

The first thing I will say is that it sounds like the bulk of the problem lies squarely within him...and I think it's because, well, he never got over his divorce. This then compounded with the passing of his mother...

Unfortunately, like so many men, it also sounds like he was not good at communication, listening to your needs, or opening up about his.

So don't doubt your self worth for a second. God I wish MY wife had the same commitment that you do!

As for what to do going forward: You've done the right thing by employing NC. NC has it's downside in that it is incredibly painful and difficult, but doing anything different only prolongs your healing and you will regret the time wasted once you ARE healed.

So try to keep everything else on an even keel. Sleep, diet, income etc... Whilst you go through the motions on autopilot, the grieving process will do it's thing. Are you able to get some more work?

Cry, cry and cry some more. This will help to alleviate that pain in your chest.

I'll check in with you. For now please keep this handy: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

Stay Strong ok and hang in there.

Talk Soon

Carus*

Thank you for your kind words, Carus. I so appreciate it.

Right now, I'm all over the place regarding sleep, diet, and income. I think its especially difficult because as I'd mentioned, with the job loss, my routine has been pretty shaken. I'm having trouble falling asleep at night and my appetite has taken a nose-dive. I'm hoping to get back with another previous employer who happens to be hiring currently and I've reached out to them...I sent my resume and then called their Human Resources people who say they'll be setting up interviews soon. So I'm hoping to hear something and trying to remain patient. I'm also keeping an eye on other job postings and have applied for unemployment. I really want to find something soon as I am extremely restless sitting around at home! Which naturally has made it easier for me to ruminate over the ex since I'm in this weird state of life-limbo.

As for the ex not having gotten over his divorce, I absolutely agree with you. Since there were kids, he's still had to remain in contact with her and even though its been 10 years since his divorce, I could tell he had a lot of resentment towards her whenever she came up in conversation. I'd even told him I felt like he still had a lot of unresolved anger toward her and he actually agreed. He'd toyed with the idea of getting himself back into counseling, but never did pursue. I hope someday he follows through on that, for his own sake. And he had told me on several occasions how he knew he was a "horrible communicator", especially when I tried to have those conversations with him about how I was feeling so shut out by him. The part that irks me (and I know it shouldn't) is that he acknowledged this was a problem for him and he knew how he was hurting me and our relationship by not communicating...and still didn't make any effort to try and get better at it. Its like, if I meant anything at all, why wouldn't he try to do something that would help our relationship grow? I realize that thinking this way is a slippery slope; because at the end of the day, he made the determination that the relationship wasn't worth keeping. He was complacent and just chalked it up to "I can't give you what you need". As though I was asking for something unreasonable. Ugh. Don't get me wrong; I'm proud of myself for knowing it was time to walk away, but it still hurts like hell dealing with this rejection.

Good post CG* - The pain is going to take a little while but now you have a project to work on and that is getting your income sorted... Good luck with the interviews. I'm glad that has presented itself.

The sleep will be disrupted for a bit. That's why my thread is titled Dreams and Nightmares. But you will sleep when the tiredness gets to that point.

"I can't give you what you need". As though I was asking for something unreasonable. Ugh.

Ah yes, and guess who I heard that from! * sigh*

I find it to be a bit of an excuse though. You 'can't' give me what I need or you 'won't'...?

Whichever it is though that's how they feel so that's how they feel....

But that also means that you and I were good partners and did all we could...There is solace in that and at least no guilt to deal with.

From what I know my exwifes life has certainly not got any easier since we split and I don't think your exs will either.

So be careful. My exwife kept coming to me for support for 3 months after I moved out and like a schmuck I let it happen...because I had Hope and I am not a mean person.

Once she was strong enough though she cut the cord and I fell into the abyss....So please be careful.

....it still hurts like hell dealing with this rejection.

It is a pain many of us here are dealing with and it's truly horrible.

But at least you know you are not alone ok*

Sending you Strength.

Carus*

Aww chattygirl. You honestly come across as such an awesome and loving soul. You're so sweet, thoughful, loving and strong minded. I can tell just by the way you expressed yourself. That alone says a lot about you. You just unfortunately got caught up with the wrong guy who simply didn't appreciate your qualities. Shame on him. But I get the strong, strong sense that he still loves his ex and/or is still strongly tied to her orbit in some form or fashion. And like the previous poster mentioned he probably still has many unresolved issues with his ex preventing him from opening up to you in a genuine way, long-term.

If it's any consolation I too have major unresolved issues with my ex that definitly still has me attached to her, and it's been close to 2 years we've been broken up. I still look at women and compare them to my ex like she was the be-all, end-all. I know this to totally not be true but I do this subconsciously and it totally pisses me off that I do it. I mean I do it much, much less now but I do still do it from time to time.

I can tell you are totally on the right track sweetie. Don't give in to him. I know every part of your being wants to re-engage with him but please don't, as tempting as it is. It will only set you back. I've done it multiple times and trust me it never ends well. You are worth much more even though you don't feel it now. Just stay strong as best and as long as you can. Only time will do the healing. Time. Thats it. Let him come to you if he ever does. He will respect you much more. That's if you even want him by then. There is a strong possibility that he will and hopefully if he does he will be totally genuine and committed to you 100%. You'll sense his motives, you're smart, I can tell. Until then just keep 100% NC.

As far as you losing your job, I'm really sorry about that. I too lost mine and it's a horrible, scary and lonely feeling. But just keep moving forward. Stay active, gym, go to movies, splurrge on yourself because you deserve it. I have no doubt in my mind awesome things are ahead for you sweetie. Who knows maybe a hotter guy who, i dunno, might just perhaps SWEEP you off your feet? Hey, its possible. The universe is weird like that. Meanwhile you come back here and vent as long as you want. No time constraints. Heck, ive been coming back for close to 2 years. Yikes!

So be careful. My exwife kept coming to me for support for 3 months after I moved out and like a schmuck I let it happen...because I had Hope and I am not a mean person.

 

Once she was strong enough though she cut the cord and I fell into the abyss....So please be careful.

 

 

Carus*

I've thought about this, Carus. I don't really see him reaching out to me in an effort to ease his pain and guilt about the break-up, or to turn to me as a means for helping him wean off the relationship. He's so horrible at opening up in the first place, I can't imagine he'd want to share what he's going through; after all, a big part of our issues stemmed from him not feeling comfortable enough to open up to me in the first place! I also often think that he likely had checked out of the relationship some time before it actually ended and that my absence in his life is easier for him since he was done with things subconsciously, at least for a little while before I was. Maybe I'm being bitter and negative when I say that, but it helps me to self preserve if I tell myself that.

I do feel, that some day, I'll probably hear from him again. It will likely be way down the road and some random "how have you been" text. I hope I'm in a much stronger place when and if that does happen.

I get the strong, strong sense that he still loves his ex and/or is still strongly tied to her orbit in some form or fashion. And like the previous poster mentioned he probably still has many unresolved issues with his ex preventing him from opening up to you in a genuine way, long-term.

For sure, this is right on the money JustinPonders. He carries a lot of anger and resentment towards his ex wife for breaking up their family. The way he tells it, she just "got bored and decided she didn't want to be married anymore" and he tended to paint himself in a victim light whenever he spoke about that break-up. The ironic part is, I totally saw that as a HUGE RED FLAG! But of course, I didn't see it as a deal breaker at that time. And as time went on further, he'd sometimes say things alluding to the things his ex had complained about in their marriage....which lo and behold, mirrored some of the very same things that were becoming issues between him and me. Look, I know it takes two to break a relationship and the fact that he always presented himself as this innocent victim who did nothing wrong, while fully blaming his ex wife for why the marriage didn't work was so, so telling to me. But of course, we women want to be the one who will be DIFFERENT lol.

I very much appreciate your words of encouragement. And yes, I am strong in my resolve to remain NC.

Dear chattygirl, just wanting to say I related to so so much of your post, so just know your not alone in any of this.

Hey CG* ~ How's it going for you? What are your plans for the next couple of days...?

Stay Strong.

Carus*

Thank you Beetie! I appreciate your kind words.

Carus, its been a decent last few days. I have a job interview scheduled for later this week, so that's a positive. Over this past weekend, I went to an event with friends and it felt nice to be out and among people. That's what has been tough for me these last couple weeks since losing my job. I feel isolated often and miss being around people. The job I'm interviewing for isn't exactly my top choice for work, but I want to keep options open and see what's out there. I've applied to several more jobs this week already, so hoping for more potential leads.

Its getting a little easier in terms of handling my sadness about my ex. His birthday is coming up on Saturday and I admit I've thought a bit about texting him to wish him well....but, I highly doubt I will. I'm not ready to talk to him, even if he wanted to at this point. I have to continue to focus on myself and place my energy on finding a job and getting my life on track.

I'm really trying. I have my moments to be sure. But the sad thoughts are becoming less frequent and I'm grateful for that.

Much love to everyone here.

I'm really trying. I have my moments to be sure. But the sad thoughts are becoming less frequent and I'm grateful for that.

Yes that's how it goes....and be grateful. It sounds like you will heal a lot faster than me! x

I started my thread in November...!! :(

I'm gonna say no birthday wish from you this Saturday.....He'll probably in some way be expecting one and your silence will say more than words ever could*

Hugs Darling*

Carus*

Shi ChattyGirl. It does sound like your relationship had run its course - and I agree - none of your fault.

How selfish of him was his more recent sexual behaviour. He does remind me if an ex who did contact me later and wanted me to have regular lunches with him. Thank God, I didn't take him up on that.

I know it's hard, but the best thing to do is put the relationship behind you and move on. I think he just showed you his true colors.

Good luck with the job interview. I was without work. For a while, but I have work now that I really enjoy with a good organisation.

Thank you Silverbirch.

I once read a quote somewhere that said "You can tell a lot about a person by the way the end relationships"...something like that. It does speak volumes about character!

In other random news...

I'm backing off from the online dating sites. I'm so not ready to meet anyone and am a little ashamed of myself for looking for an ego boost through the attention from those places. Ironically, I met my ex on an online dating site. Right now, I'm not in any kind of head space to think about getting back out there.

I've sent out a few more resumes to places that seem more suitable to my skill set. Have that interview tomorrow at a job that really doesn't tap into my background or skills, but I'm still going to go on it. I figure it will at least help me to get back into the job interview mindset and prepare to present myself to potential employers in a positive way despite being fired from my last job. Practice makes perfect, after all.

I also need to figure out a way to give my tenant notice to move. She's been here for several years but we don't have a lease; its been a month-to-month rental situation. She's been an ok tenant for the most part, but my brother needs his own place following the break up of his relationship last year. He's been living with me for the past few months and I feel it makes more sense to move him in as the official tenant, as he is family and to be honest, I'm not fond of sharing my living space with him. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death and he's a supportive and caring brother, but having to share my place with a man....let's just say that its getting on my nerves a bit lol.

Hi Carus,

The thing about my healing process...I do feel like I'm getting there, some days more so than others of course. Probably what has made it a little easier for me is that I've had to shift my focus toward getting my life back in order after losing my job. Sometimes I curse the extra time I have with not working right now; my mind still will wander to thoughts of him and to the sadness at the relationship ending. Weirdly though, having to get through this job loss and figure out a way to rebuild my career keeps me better grounded in the here and now. Not sure if that makes sense. From what I've read in your posts, you strike me as a somewhat spiritual person. One of the things that I feel helps me in the healing process is believing that everything happens for a reason. On one hand, I can objectively say that life has dealt me some serious blows in the last couple months. On the other hand, the end of my relationship followed shortly with losing my job maybe had to happen the way it did for my own benefit in the long run. I might not know what it all means right now, but at some point down the road, I hope to look back and say, "Ahh...so *that's* why it went down that way".

Or maybe these are the things I have to tell myself in order to cope better? Who knows?

One other thing I wanted to touch on Carus, is that even though I am anxious to move past this and get on with my life, its important that I do take time to let myself feel this. I tend to stay in my head more and try to skip over the uncomfortable emotions. On the surface, I can do all the things that expedite the letting go process. But emotionally, I know I need to sit with my grief in order to better process it so I can truly have learned what I'm supposed to.

Oh, and I am not going to contact him on his birthday. He doesn't deserve my attention. Just to be safe, I've let my best friend know I was toying with the thought of sending a text and she is going to be holding me accountable!

Yes that's how it goes....and be grateful. It sounds like you will heal a lot faster than me! x

 

I started my thread in November...!! :(

 

I'm gonna say no birthday wish from you this Saturday.....He'll probably in some way be expecting one and your silence will say more than words ever could*

 

Hugs Darling*

 

Carus*

I think you're doing the right things. Yes grieving a loss is a process we go through. Short for some people, frustratingly long for others. But I can tell you are doing the right things to help with that.

Whilst I'm proud that I've got my business where it is and I'm very good at what I do, I find myself blaming it partly for the demise of my marriage. Working 6 nights a week enabled her to get used to being by herself.

But there were definitely other factors at play and the right girl would have been glad to have a husband who was driven, focused and working towards a better future for us.

As far as beliefs go yes I more lean towards the spiritual side of things but I also have a more pragmatic side that tries to deal with the reality of what is.

Hope your day goes well dear CG*

Carus*

Hey CG,

Dear Carus is dead right. it takes as long as it takes..

"Whilst I'm proud that I've got my business where it is and I'm very good at what I do, I find myself blaming it partly for the demise of my marriage. Working 6 nights a week enabled her to get used to being by herself".

- This sounds eerily similar to me.. I felt I drove my wife to another man as was constantly working (for our future, that ultimately didn't happen). Fast foward to over 3 years later and she wants a 2nd chance...

We will all get there in the end. :)