What's the point of a relationship? Seems like a catch 22

So please answer this. We aren't supposed to depend on others emotionally and being in a relationship you can let go and depend. So what's the point of even being with anyone. When I'm single I can't want to have a relationship because then I look desperate. So I have to pretend I don't care and not look. So it seems to me there is a lot of pretending either way. Why can't I just be me?!

Strange question. You can be you in or out of a relationship. You dont have to pretend to be someone else and if you think you need to do that then you are with the wrong person. A good mate will not expect or want you to be someone you are not, nor do things that you do not agree with. I've been married a long time and I am free to be me and he is free to be himself. We get along well and respect each other and give the other person the freedom to live as they desire. As long as you are compatible in most areas there should not be any major conflict.

You have to be you all the time. Even in a relationship. But the point is not to be in a relationship; to me, the point is to find fulfillment in life with someone next to me in the journey. Being in a relationship is not a goal, is a conduit for being better and living life to the fullest while preserving your seed/genes for future generations, trying to leave the world a better place.

I love being in a relationship. I love having someone special there always as my side kick and partner in life. But, in my last relationship he started distancing himself when I was going through some rough emotional and stress ful times. The more I needed him the further he would go. So I started getting clingy. It wasn't a good scene. And he ended up dumping me. The man who said he loves me more than anything in this world.

Of course you can be you.

So please answer this. We aren't supposed to depend on others emotionally and being in a relationship you can let go and depend. So what's the point of even being with anyone. When I'm single I can't want to have a relationship because then I look desperate. So I have to pretend I don't care and not look. So it seems to me there is a lot of pretending either way. Why can't I just be me?!

 

Just be you. It’s trendy to claim ivory tower independence these days. Don’t be duped. People are gregarious creatures. We rely upon and need each other. Always have.

I wonder why it's seen as a weakness to want or need someone! It's not desperation. I am a successful independent woman but I want and need a man! What's so Damn wrong with saying that

Hmmm...the point...

 

That's a good question. I often wonder why we're so culturally drawn to this idea. It hasn't always been this way. Nor is it ubiquitous around the world...to pursue monogamous (especially) relationship. I'm assuming that's what you're referring to...

 

Personally, I like the idea of navigating life with someone. Sharing growth. Supporting growth in myself and the other. Sharing vulnerability. Removing the masks. Revealing true selves. Feels liberating to me to be able to do that.

 

Partner selection is important. Some people are not good fits, naturally. The majority, I'd say. Rare to find someone who is compatible on this deeper level...as well as the more immediate surface level of life (the practical world). And then there needs to be some overlap in the tools that you both bring to this new partnership. Communication skills are obviously important. And so is recognizing your own needs as an individual. Emotional competence is pretty critical with both partners to ensure that there is appropriate space to deal with conflict. This means you're fully capable of recognizing your own emotional fluctuations, and have very practical ways of expressing your emotional world in a way that is healthy to you and those around you. I think this is an especially important level of compatibility as well.

 

Beyond that, a sincere desire to know and support another person in his/her own journey...and his/her continued growth on that journey. Willingness to participate.

 

Have you figured out what your role in that relationship was? Did you learn anything useful that you can bring into future relationships? Have you had similar experiences in the past? Is there a pattern that you can identify to help you figure out some areas where you might be able to grow a little bit? Were there ways that you were ignoring your own needs in this relationship? Just a few ideas...

 

Lots of opportunity when relationships end. Raw, emotional. These things seem to help propel us towards positive action in our lives if we're able to harness the potential!

Wow! Well said. Really made me think. Thank you. I allowed my emotions get the best of me as well as my fears and stress from work. He told me in his break up letter to me that what I built with my right hand I destroyed with my left emotional hand. There is some truth to that for sure. I also think by him checking out months ago thinking I'm the only problem because my reactions were more overt than his was a character revelation on his part. Yes, honey you fix you and when you are done come let me know so we can be happy again. He put zero effort. In fact, in his break up letter to me he said I "earned the place of him distancing himself from me." I wasn't allowed to get angry and I always had to keep my cool no matter what. I appreciate the truth of dialing my expression of emotions down a bit. But I am me. I express how I feel. He felt it was too intense and it "scared" him. It wasn't like I was flying of the handle for no reason or swearing and throwing things around.

I wonder why it's seen as a weakness to want or need someone! It's not desperation. I am a successful independent woman but I want and need a man! What's so Damn wrong with saying that

 

I agree with you. There's nothing wrong with that. But black-and-white thinking is easier for a lot of people. And bandwagons make it easy to be lazy. They also make poor arguments persuasive mainly because (ironically) they grant a sense of acceptance to the joiners-on. You just have to be aware of that and take people's reactions with a grain of salt. You are the only one who knows your situation.

 

He told me in his break up letter to me that what I built with my right hand I destroyed with my left emotional hand.

 

Well, he put that very eloquently, but it doesn't make him right.

 

In fact, in his break up letter to me he said I "earned the place of him distancing himself from me."

 

That's amazingly condescending. He felt it was his place to teach you a lesson about how to handle your emotions. That kind of criticism and blame isn't constructive at all. It's very rarely only one person's "fault." It's quite likely that he struggled to cope, and "distancing himself" is all that he was capable of. Distancing is also perceived as more logical, and someone who fears emotions is often attracted to that "look," so to speak. Unfortunately, this go-to reaction probably exacerbated the problem.

 

There is such thing as constructive criticism. But when you get on your high horse and start and placing blame, you're adding to the problem.

 

I wasn't allowed to get angry and I always had to keep my cool no matter what. I appreciate the truth of dialing my expression of emotions down a bit. But I am me. I express how I feel. He felt it was too intense and it "scared" him. It wasn't like I was flying of the handle for no reason or swearing and throwing things around.

 

You should always keep your cool. Emotional outbursts are unpleasant and burdensome to other people. But your feelings are your feelings and you do have a right to express them in a mature and intelligent way. You shouldn't have to knot yourself up into a pretzel to protect him from feeling fear. Occasionally, tensions will rise and there will be outbursts. Bottom line is, two emotionally intelligent people can navigate any situation together.

You should always be you. Never change who you are to conform to another person's standards

(Unless those are positive changes you want to make). Keep your independence even when in a

relationship, so as not to lose yourself or become solely dependent upon that person for everything.

That can be suffocating and draining, to say the least. Maintain separate friends, interests, and give

enough space. Look for men that are like-minded. Some men will completely shut down when they see

emotions, and see it as drama. I, for one, cannot deal with a man that has a hot temper. So I look for signs

and will go far, far away if I see it. Mutual respect is a necessary factor to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

 

We are meant to pair up. There's nothing wrong with desiring it.

So please answer this. We aren't supposed to depend on others emotionally and being in a relationship you can let go and depend. So what's the point of even being with anyone. When I'm single I can't want to have a relationship because then I look desperate. So I have to pretend I don't care and not look. So it seems to me there is a lot of pretending either way. Why can't I just be me?!

 

I don't agree with your assumptions at all. I think you can be yourself and recognize that if you're really into someone/excited about someone you might not act yourself -you might act in an insecure/oversharing/needy way - so at those times you may need to do some self-talk and change your choices of how you react so that you are not self-absorbed - so that you are a person who gets to know another person at a reasonable pace as opposed to insta-relationship. If you feel insecure or needy and it's early stages of dating you don't want the other person to be overwhelmed by you so you find other ways to handle those feelings other than acting in a dependent/clingy way. I think it's essential to make it clear you are looking for a relationship and just as essential to convey that without acting in a desperate way. I think it's essential to be proactive about finding a good match and just as essential that your choices don't come across as desperate/needy/overwhelming.

 

And yes, show the other person yourself like a package with many layers -unwrapping slowly, over time even if your infatuation is telling you to go faster -even if he is trying to go too fast -there's a way to say a polite "no" and convey enough interest in getting to know the person so you don't crash and burn.

 

I don't think a relationship means being emotionally dependent. It means that you and your partner are serious about each other, probably committed, and you can share stuff -good/bad/embarrassing. It's not about being "dependent" -because if you come from a place of health and strength you want your partner to see that you take care of yourself as much as possible.

So please answer this. We aren't supposed to depend on others emotionally and being in a relationship you can let go and depend. So what's the point of even being with anyone. When I'm single I can't want to have a relationship because then I look desperate. So I have to pretend I don't care and not look. So it seems to me there is a lot of pretending either way. Why can't I just be me?!

In a relationship you can be emotionally connected. That's where you feel the same thing for each other but you aren't dependent on the other person for the way you feel. Just connect with them allow yourself to feel things. If you guys arent feeling the same things at the same time thats ok. If he is in a mood it doesn't mean it has to do with you. Therefore you just love him and be there when he needs to talk. Depend on your own emotions for how you feel. Don't look to your partners emotions on how you should feel. It will be a healthier, stronger relationship.

You dont have to pretend to not want a relationship. Just don't want a relationship to help meet your emotional needs. For example don't depend on someone else to be happy. Be happy on your own and having a partner just makes thst happiness even greater. Have your emotions on your own. Don't depend on someone else to fill any of those needs first. Love yourself first then when someone loves you it will be even more amazing and stronger.