Update on Travel Conflict

Update

Today I noticed the thread had been closed and I did read some of the later posts. I wanted to take the time to thank TiredVampires for her astute post — she basically outlined and described my experience and my perspective that I was too tired to type myself. THANK YOU THANK YOU!! It validates what I had been feeling after months of frustrations. Also thank you to Superfan for her keen perspective on motherhood as well!!

Just to clarify a few points:

1. Some asked why I was posting if I was just going to disagree with anyone not on “my side.” Well, I should have made it more clear that I was looking for support and validation. I wasn’t looking to be diagnosed with mental health issues, nor was I looking for medical recommendations (get checked into hospital, sleep clinics, etc.).

2. I didn’t go to a sleep clinic for the exact reasons TiredofVampires. However, my husband had pressured me to call the sleep clinic, and to appease him I did call them. As I expected, they did not recommend I be seen, and referred me to my general practitioner.

3. I have seen multiple different doctors for my issues, mainly to appease my husband, but none of them were helpful.

4. J.Man questioned how I could drive if I were really that unwell. Driving was not an option for me as I didn’t feel well enough to drive. The bus takes twice as long and is quite inconvenient but was the only option for me. Also, because I hadn't felt safe to drive my husband had given me a ride to work when my mom was visiting and watching our daughter.

5. I looked into therapy, at the behest of my husband, but there are no doctors near my city that specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, which is the only kind of therapy that is proven to help some for patients with insomnia. I’m too tired to waste time meeting random counselors who, if astute enough, will only conclude that I can't relax because of all the reasons outlined by TiredofVampires, which I have tried explaining to my husband and doctors.

6. Things came to a head with my husband after that post. He accused me of “dumping our daughter on [him]” and I was stunned. I asked how he could say that about our daughter? I didn’t feel I could even leave her alone with him after hearing that language about her. He replied that I had complained similarly about taking care of our daughter alone. It’s true I had complained, but that was because I hadn’t slept and felt horrible and weak and not strong enough to take care of her, NOT because I didn’t want to spend time with her! I would LOVE to feel well enough to take care of my daughter, to play with her and run around with her!! It crushes me that I have been in such a fog her entire first year, and that it’s only gotten worse as she’s gotten more interactive and communicative. I did manage to hold out and breastfeed her and pump at work despite it causing me lots of problems (I have a post about that). I tried as hard as I could, pushed myself to the limit. And I was so offended and SHOCKED by my husband’s response to all this. He had been helpful otherwise. But it seems he doesn’t have the capacity to understand and support me the way I need now. I explained this to him and he looked crestfallen and said he was sorry and he thought I should go home if I wanted to. At that point I wasn’t even asking his permission, though, and the apology seemed too little too late. I feel really disillusioned.

7. I did go home. Took the bus. I didn’t leave until his sister was slated to arrive so that he wouldn’t have to be alone with our daughter. As a result I only have 6 days here. So far the visit has helped a lot. I slept several hours for several nights, which is improvement, and I don’t feel nearly as stressed or jumpy or on constant alert. I feel like if I had several weeks I could make a lot of progress. This is just what I needed. I knew it’s what I needed. I also started a new herbal sleep remedy (recommended by another poster on here — thank you!) which seems to help too.

8. My husband and his sister seem to be doing well with my daughter. I miss my daughter but I don’t feel guilty for taking this time to rest. I am doing this for myself, but also for my daughter and husband, so I can function normally and help them more in the future.

Overall this visit has given me hope. I dread returning so soon, though. I fear once I return I’ll go back to the completely sleepless nights again, the crawling up the stairs, the staggering across the room just to pour myself a glass of water…. But since being here I’ve been able to exercise and go for walks and speak without my voice quavering out of weakness. Just a 6-day hiatus won’t be enough, but hopefully my husband will be supportive enough moving forward that he will not make me feel guilty for needing to take another break.

I hope you feel better. You are married and committed to taking care of each other in sickness and in health. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if you are unwell. You are both parents.

Is there anyway possible you can stay at your mom’s another few weeks?

Please close this thread. I will never ever ever seek public help on ENA again after receiving a moderator warning for making a perfectly justified and innocuous comment on here. I can't believe people are welcome to make insensitive and downright rude posts on here, and yet if you want to comment that a poster was insensitive you get censored. I'm guessing this comment will be censored too which is ludicrous. Thanks to everyone on this forum who was helpful.

So you made a possibly disrespectful comment about an advisor, and it was then fished out leaving the rest?

Why are you sleepless when you are home, but not away from your child? Have you considered a live-in nanny, if both of you find it difficult to care for your child? Perhaps you feel your husband doesn't help out enough with her or around the house.

Things came to a head with my husband after that post. He accused me of “dumping our daughter on [him]” . I did go home.I didn’t leave until his sister was slated to arrive so that he wouldn’t have to be alone with our daughter. My husband and his sister seem to be doing well with my daughter.I dread returning so soon, though. I fear once I return I’ll go back to the completely sleepless nights again

Wow, I am amazed at the censorship! I think I know which part was omitted and it was like getting hit with a feather.

it was like getting hit with a feather.

(meaning the content of the censored sentence)

I find it humorous that every medical or psychological (read: responsibly scientific and treatment-based) approach has been strictly "at the behest of your husband." I don't think it's any wonder you haven't found them helpful.

I find it humorous that every medical or psychological (read: responsibly scientific and treatment-based) approach has been strictly "at the behest of your husband." I don't think it's any wonder you haven't found them helpful.

I was about to say the same thing.