Why can't I stop cheating?

I feel so disgusted with myself, but no matter how long I am in a relationship and no matter how committed I am entirely, I always end up falling prey to other physical affection. Most recently, I was so proud, getting sober and staying faithful for a short time in short relationships. I want to marry the man I am with now but somehow have lost myself to another addiction I just now realized I had. No matter the guilt, regret and pain I feel afterward, I keep giving in. Is there any hope for me? I have been in this relationship, making it almost 4 years without a wandering eye and here I am back where I was a decade ago with my high school sweetheart.

You sound like my best friend. She also has this addiction. What may be best for you is having an open relationship. Or are you someone who can cheat but won't allow another to have their cake and eat it too?

If you know you're not wired to be monogamous don't force it. Keep your relationships open. Its less stress and there are tons of people who will be fine with the arrangement.

I'm certain there are 12 step programs for this which are meant to be successful,mand people who have written books - maybe you are a love addict. If your other addiction is a mind altering substance, these things happen sometimes. If you do have a substance addiction, can get off it and have a trusted person to talk to, I think you can get a hold of it. You say you went 4 years, and that is very good for someone who has struggled with this issue.

Sounds like you are non-monogamous. Seek people who are like you and want an open-relationship. Problem solved. If on the other hand you wish to explore whether you can change that aspect of yourself, then you need to understand why you behave this way and that requires professional counseling. If you love the man you are with then you need to either resolve this ASAP or let him know what is going on. No matter, the addiction, lying and withholding is a choice.

People cheat for a number of reasons, and if you want your behavior to change you need to do some serious searching to understand the instinct. Maybe somewhere you know this is not the relationship for you, and so you're making choices to sabotage it. Or maybe you have self-esteem issues, and need constant external validation through seduction and sex of the sort that no single partner can offer. Or maybe there are lies you are telling to yourself, and those manifest in you lying to a partner as you seek momentary "truth" and "freedom" elsewhere.

Therapy is key to unpacking all this.

I've cheated plenty—not a proud fact of my past. I eventually realized that I was doing this for a few reasons, many of them contradictory. On one hand, I loved the ego rush of knowing someone wanted me, while also knowing the behavior would make me feel terrible and reinforce some internal idea that I wasn't worthy of unconditional love and commitment. In other words, cheating made me feel both "clean" and "filthy." Furthermore, because I was scared to share these deep insecurities/vulnerabilities with my serious partners I felt isolated and sought petty relief in instant pleasure/being able to momentarily reinvent myself with a new person.

But, in the end, I just hurt people and lost valuable connections so I've worked to be more transparent with those I love or am falling in love with so I don't feel the need to hide out in the transgressive affection of others. If I'm going to be in a serious relationship now, it has to be with someone who can talk about this stuff without feeling threatened. Hell, it can even be hot, and bring you closer.

Then again, maybe you just aren't monogamous, and as others suggested you need to be honest about that—with yourself, so you can find a truly compatible partner. It doesn't need to be a guilt/shame-inducing thing. It can just be who you are, and that's okay as long as your up front.

some people are not built to be monogamous and there are a lot of interesting articles on this as it becomes more common.

what I would like to know is, if you decided that open relationships would work for you, would you have an issue with them having sex with other people? is it the thrill and excitement of cheating that you are addicted to? Do you think if you were given the green light to have sex with other people in an open relationship would the appeal still be there?