Girlfriend doesn't accept her brother's learning disability.

I'm a 27 year old guy living in London, my girlfriend is 27 and moved here from Italy a few years ago to find work. We've been together a couple of years. Not long after we got together, I spent some time in Italy, staying with her family. It pretty quickly became clear to me that her brother (who was around 21-22 at the time) has some learning or developmental disability which makes his behaviour pretty challenging.

His behaviour is often disrespectful and inappropriate. He's not a bad kid, I honestly believe he can't help it. Spending time with him is very much like spending time with a young child. Let me say firstly that this in itself is not something I would consider breaking up with her for. I think she's great and love her. I also think that when you are serious about someone like this, you should support them. I am also not the type of person to discriminate against anyone, I understand that her brother needs support and understanding and honestly think that I have shown this throughout our relationship.

It can be pretty hard to put up with when you have a 22 year old dude basically acting like a 5 year old, no matter how much I think of myself as an understanding, patient guy. The real problem is that, not only did she make no mention of his behavioural issues before we went to stay with them, but she (and her family) completely refuses to accept that her brother has a learning disability. Any time I bring it up she either makes up some crazy excuse/defence or implies that I am the one being delusional and overreacting. I've never lost my temper with her brother, I've always waited until it was just me and my gf before I brought it up and I've only ever tried to have an honest conversation about it but she always gets upset/angry.

(One example: One time I was in her bedroom getting changed while her brother was visiting from Italy. At the point that I am pretty much naked, he walks in the room without knocking and just stands there looking until I tell him to get out. Her response: 'he's never stayed in the same house as one of my boyfriends before'). Maybe thats a bad example, but its one of hundreds. Picking bits of topping off a pizza I was in the middle of eating is another. Inappropriately touching me and his sister (my gf) - not in a sexual way, the way a child would (as in without boundaries).

After first meeting him I thought that maybe she just didn't want to talk about it. She obviously cares a lot for him and is worried about how he will be perceived. I assumed she wouldn't let it become a problem in our relationship. However, a few months ago she brought him to London to live with her and find a job and try and start a life for himself. I spoke with her before many times about how in all honesty I didn't think he would be able to manage on his own and that it would therefore become our responsibility to look after him. As harsh as it sounds, that's not something I ever wanted or agreed too, and he has parents in Italy who he lives with, it's not like it was necessary for him to come here. After a few months and many trial shifts from which he never got called back, he ended up going back to Italy to his parents.

Most of the time she is a level headed, intelligent and reasonable person. But this complete refusal to accept his disability is making me lose faith in how much I can trust her judgement. I'm not even against him coming here and finding a job (who am I to tell anyone what they can or can't do), I wish him the best of luck. But she effectively turned our relationship from being 2 young people in love - to a relationship where I was dating a single mum, the only difference being her kid is 22 years old. It seems like she was taking me for granted somewhat. I'd explained to her before numerous times that the idea was going to put pressure on us, and that I didn't believe he was actually able to land a job, get a flat and live independently. She also had him applying for jobs that he in no way would have been able to perform. I now worry about things like what would happen if we had kids? I wouldn't be comfortable with him looking after them and when I mentioned this she was furious.

In case you think I might be exaggerating his behaviour; I've seen a document from his school in Italy that says he has a 'cognitive impairment' and therefore needs support in exams and employment. I brought this up with my gf and she said 'that was from his school and not a real doctor' and refused to accept it. He also had a few things happen when he was a baby/growing up that are big risk factors in developing learning difficulties. And simply, I'm not exaggerating. If you put all the stuff I've put up with in a movie, nobody would believe it, it would seem too outrageous.

I know we need to have a discussion about this but she always gets so upset. I feel that she's finally found a guy who is willing to show understanding in this situation (when so many others would run) and she's throwing it all away. I just wanna know what others would do in this situation. Do I put up with it? I don't want to lose her, but I'm playing this over in my head all the time. Would I be the bigger man by just accepting it? I understand her brother needs to be accepted for who he is (I feel i'm the only one doing that) but its hard without the support of your partner.

I couldn’t read all of this.

It’s not on you to diagnose him. Who cares if he is diagnosed with anything.

So what do you want her to do with her brother?

My son has a developmental disability and learning disabilities. Above all they are people too and you can't nitpick at them 24/7 about how they are different. You REALLY need to pick your battles. Firstly is she just not choosing to pick fights that are not worth fighting with him? Maybe you are not used to non neurotypicals? ( both my husband and my son are not neurotypical so I am the odd ball)

It's nice that you're accepting, but it's not like you can accept the situation without it being normally discussed and mutually understood. If you could meet somewhere on how you see the situation, found a common perspective, then you could decide what to do about it together, how much do you want as a couple to involve her brother in your life. It's your decision if you want to be involved or not, but for your relationship to work out you can't have a totally different understanding of this problem.

You "feel that she's finally found a guy who is willing to show understanding in this situation (when so many others would run) and she's throwing it all away". Is that right?

That's not what I'm getting from reading this post.

Your main concern seem to be how her brother's presence is and will affect your life.

The ONLY thing I agree with you about is not having him supervise your children if you were to have some in the future.

You have not accepted him for who he is and you don't need her support to accept him.

If he is 22 acting 5, she knows he has a disability and don't need you to point it out.

If you kept nitpicking me about my brother I would get rid of you.

Looks like I'm in the minority here, but I can understand where the OP is coming from. I think the main thing he is struggling with is that his girlfriend and her family do not acknowledge that their brother/son has a developmental disability. This would be distressing to me, too. It doesn't reflect well on the family, because the boy isn't getting the help he needs. Instead his sister is pushing him into applying for jobs he can't handle and living on his own. It seems like the OP's girlfriend has an unhealthy perspective on her brother's intellectual and developmental abilities. And the fact that she is in denial about it is only harming her brother more in the long-run.

So in all those 22 years, the brother has never been to a pediatrician and received any diagnosis of a developmental disability? It seems very hard to believe.

Honestly I would feel really uncomfortable with someone who is in such denial about their own sibling's well-being. If this boy is as disabled as you imply, it's crazy they sent him off to live with you guys and to find jobs beyond the scope of his capabilities. They should be acknowledging his disability and finding ways for him to thrive in society, not just throwing him to the wolves like that.

OTOH, if your gf DOES know about a disability he has and is just hiding it from you, I would find it distressing that she didn't feel comfortable enough to share that with you, her boyfriend of several years.

Overall the situation wouldn't sit well with me.

I agree. I have a relative who has developmental issues and we did everything possible to get proper help and the right teachers and/or counselors, etc I know how it can be.

This man sounds like he needs help and needs his family to accept his limited abilities. They are pushing him too hard and pretending that he is something he is not.

With doing so, they will inevitably cause more harm.

You are right, OP, they need to have him properly assessed and get proper help for his own sake, no one else's.

What is available as far as assistance for the developmental disabled varies from country to country. Many places have little to NO assistance for adults with developmental disabilities. As a mom who has raise a developmentally disabled individual to adulthood I can't even tell you the runarounds ,the delays, the wait lists and society are disgusting. And there is almost 0 help for disabled adults .

You are so right, Seraphim, it can be incredibly frustrating.

I think my main concern is denial that this man is limited and sending him out into the world when he is not capable. It sounds potentially dangerous.

You are so right, Seraphim, it can be incredibly frustrating.

 

I think my main concern is denial that this man is limited and sending him out into the world when he is not capable. It sounds potentially dangerous.

Exactly. My heart breaks for this young man.

Yes, my son is welcomed to stay forever if need be but we take our baby steps towards living alone one day. Maybe in his 30's or 40's.

Turning them out too soon is dangerous.

But don't forget not everybody has services everywhere and not everyone can afford services either .

I wonder if what you see as a disability she sees as his personality.

You "feel that she's finally found a guy who is willing to show understanding in this situation (when so many others would run) and she's throwing it all away". Is that right?

That's not what I'm getting from reading this post.

Your main concern seem to be how her brother's presence is and will affect your life.

The ONLY thing I agree with you about is not having him supervise your children if you were to have some in the future.

You have not accepted him for who he is and you don't need her support to accept him.

If he is 22 acting 5, she knows he has a disability and don't need you to point it out.

If you kept nitpicking me about my brother I would get rid of you.

Maybe I wan't very clear in my original post. It is not true that I haven't accepted her brother for who he is, or that I am nitpicking. To be honest I don't see how I have not accepted him, I am not in denial about his behaviour, I accept he has behavioural issues and that he finds certain areas of life harder to deal with than others. I have done nothing but support him and never showed frustration/anger at his behaviour when he is around. Yes, his behaviour is challenging but that is not the problem. The problem is that my girlfriend and her family absolutely refuse to acknowledge that he has a developmental disability.

Yes I do have some concern about how he will affect my life but isn't that normal? As in, I'm worried if I would be able to trust that my gf wouldn't leave our kids alone with him. And that is just one example. If she has such poor understanding of his condition then it entirely plausible that she will bestow more responsibility on him than he can deal with.

You're right that I don't need her support to accept him. But don't you think that her complete refusal to recognise his disruptive behaviour is a problem?

Well I can totally understand.

It is hard to bring this up without sounding like an @sshole.

I can understand your concern with the denial of this. But people can be pretty blind with their family like that. But the fact is that this blindness or denial will put a huge strain on your relationship.

If she denies he has an issue then just find a way to remove him having issues as the issue.

What I mean is ignore him as the source of you being uncomfortable with his behavior and focus on his actions.

Tell your Gf that you don't want him touching your food. It is rude and inappropriate to barge into someone's bedroom without knocking and then just stare.

Just bring up the instances of his behavior affecting you negatively and don't mention anything about his issues.

If she tries to mitigate what you are saying by giving you some bullsh*t excuse then call it out for what it is.

He might not even have any kind of issue or he might. Only a professional can tell you that with some level of certainty.

But him having an some mental condition isn't your issue. His behavior is though when it affects you as it has.

I've been where you are before. You are between a rock and a hard place.

You say she is from another country, yes? Many countries deal with things differently.