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Blowing hot and cold new guy


Lilly26

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Hi everyone,

I wud really appreciate some input into my situation with this new guy I’m seeing.

 

Long story short, about 7 weeks ago I met a guy online. Contrary to all my previous experiences 6 to be precise, this one was just great. We were both very impressed by each other to a point that our 1st date ended up being 8 hours; basically we really clicked both physically intellectually etc.

 

So, this dude travels a lot for work and when he is not traveling I’ve realized he devotes his free time to us and we get together either for dinner wine etc... I’ve seen him 6 times so far, and on date 4 we started to have sex😉.

 

So now, back to the traveling, this time he is traveling for a health related issue and thou he tries to stay in touch all the time he has gone MIA. I do see him online on Watspp but he doesn’t say anything to me. I really like this guy, he is a professional and super intelligent. I am also an educated intelligent good looking young girl and he honestly is like a dream man to me too.

 

So how do I move into this situation the best way possible without seeming too aloof or pushy. Sometimes he msgs a lot of good mornings and good nights even from his business trips, then again he disappears then again all lovey. I know the guy is also working on startups and studying towards another degree while having a minor health issue too.

 

Pls tell me how to go about keeping this man interested and not changing the dynamics. Clearly this guy doesn’t owe me anything and I can’t be in his head but I want him to see me as the high value sexy woman that I am but I don’t know what to do in terms of msgs and checking on him and how much is too much? I am intruding him during this stressful time or should I show some compassion or will it look like I am already expecting demanding relationship stuff etc....

 

Sorry for the long msg.

 

L.

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I would focus on whether he makes a plan to see you in person ASAP after he returns. I don't think he needs to be texting you all the time. You've made it clear that you are highly interested in him and that you are ok with casual sex. Also get clear on your goals. Do you want him to be impressed by you and do you need him to validate that he is still interested by typing "good morning" or do you want to give him the space to get to know you over a reasonable period of time - you, not a "high value" "sexy" woman - that's about wanting him to see you as some sort of prize. He might but staying in touch through typing and messaging is not the way (and again I think the priority should be letting him get to know you at a reasonable pace- not insta-relationship.

 

So I would not text him right now or do a lot of back and forth a la chat buddy. If he texts you to make a plan, respond when it's convenient, make the plan and tell him you look forward to seeing him. You can ask him out too -you've had sex and seen him 6 times -so ask him if he wants to make a plan in advance. Then make the plan and let him do his thing on his trip and miss you a bit. Catch up when he returns.

 

i also don't think he's blowing hot and cold. There's no "hot" yet - you don't know him well and have only been out 6 times. His actions relating to interest are typical in the beginning stages of dating. Cold is if he doesn't ask you out on another date or accept your invitation enthusiastically. Then his actions will reflect that he was interested but might no longer be. Try to manage your expectations here- these are very early days.

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It just sounds like he's extremely busy and possibly worried about his health. How often is he suppose to text you if he's in class, or studying for his degree or going to the doctor? Can you be a little more clear about MIA? He tweets you good morning and good nights . When does he go missing? And you're only on the 6th date. You're still getting to know each other. Your lives haven't been integrated yet. I'm just trying to figure out if you're expecting too much from him at this point.

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I think you had sex with him too soon. I would have gotten to know him a lot longer and found out what his intentions were + make things official before sleeping with him. Right now you're sleeping with someone who can still go our with girls if he wants. Clarify things before proceeding to sleep with him again.

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Well he doesn't need to try very hard now since you've already had sex so early on.

He's also very busy and distracted. Just play it cool and don't bombard him with messages.

At some point you need to know his intentions though. If he wants to keep it casual and you don't,

you'll need to walk away.

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I agree with Honeycomb.

 

However, it's possible that he's just plain busy and your expectations of him are too high at this point.

 

Give it time and don't worry yourself too much.

 

Do you think you would feel this way if you hadn't slept with him yet?

 

Thinking that because you slept with him you might feel more vulnerable.

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No man who's interested in a pursuing the option of an actual relationship with you is going to care if you had sex 4 dates in or 12. If he's genuinely not interested in you after you've had sex, it doesn't mean you blew it. It means sex was his only goal to begin with. Base your sexual activity on your comfort level, not whether you arbitrarily increase or decrease your chances with a guy or whether it will have an impact on his "effort." And even if we were to try to extrapolate this scenario into some sort of standard, four dates really isn't a bad number to wait if your goal is to filter out men who are after one thing.

 

This idea than men, by design, essentially need to be trained to be relationship-minded by using sex as some commodity to be earned through some grand effort should have died with the RomComs that perpetuated it, and that's for the sake of all involved. If a guy is interested in you, he'll put an effort into getting to know you. End of.

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This idea than men, by design, essentially need to be trained to be relationship-minded by using sex as some commodity to be earned through some grand effort should have died with the RomComs that perpetuated it, and that's for the sake of all involved. If a guy is interested in you, he'll put an effort into getting to know you. End of.

 

 

While I don't necessarily agree with the ' you slept with him too soon if you want a relationship' mindset, I find it to be subtle sl*t shaming, I do feel it's important to recognize the female point of view, or maybe the importance of it.

 

As I'm sure you know, many women associate emotion with sex, we don't seperate the two, some can but many can't. More often than not, if a woman who just slept with a man and he pulls away is on here asking advice, it's because she slept with him too soon, gained a false attachment and is now freaking out. So telling her she slept with him too soon is in fact true. If a woman can't handle casual sex, sleeping with a man before establishing where things stand or at the very least reaching a point of comfort with whatever outcome, is going to be a bad idea.

 

That's not treating sex as a commodity, that's recognizing the emotional importance sex has for certain individuals. You don't have to understand it, but at least respect the different ways men and women process things. The advice is centered on the woman.

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No man who's interested in a pursuing the option of an actual relationship with you is going to care if you had sex 4 dates in or 12. If he's genuinely not interested in you after you've had sex, it doesn't mean you blew it. It means sex was his only goal to begin with. Base your sexual activity on your comfort level, not whether you arbitrarily increase or decrease your chances with a guy or whether it will have an impact on his "effort." And even if we were to try to extrapolate this scenario into some sort of standard, four dates really isn't a bad number to wait if your goal is to filter out men who are after one thing.

 

This idea than men, by design, essentially need to be trained to be relationship-minded by using sex as some commodity to be earned through some grand effort should have died with the RomComs that perpetuated it, and that's for the sake of all involved. If a guy is interested in you, he'll put an effort into getting to know you. End of.

 

Amen.

 

And has been exactly my experience. I've had early sex (night we met), waited months, with current BF, a few weeks for full blown sex, but were physical pretty much from the get-go and it never made a bit of difference.

 

A "relationship" developed each time.

 

And from the men I've spoken to about this, when a woman intentionally waits, they often see it as manipulation, which it is in my opinion.

 

And he becomes disheartened and turned off. Then when he walks away, the woman thinks it's because she wouldn't have sex with him!

 

If you feel a chemistry, have sex when you're both comfortable. That's genuine and honest.

 

Has always "worked" for me anyway.

 

And my current BF? Considers me very "challenging" and even a bit "mysterious," he felt this way before 'and' after sex.

 

Why? Because I understand his need for space (heck I need mine too), don't push, don't freak out when he doesn't immediately respond to a text, maintain my independence. --- all while making effort and indicating my interest. Same for him.

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While I don't necessarily agree with the ' you slept with him too soon if you want a relationship' mindset, I find it to be subtle sl*t shaming, I do feel it's important to recognize the female point of view, or maybe the importance of it.

 

As I'm sure you know, many women associate emotion with sex, we don't seperate the two, some can but many can't. More often than not, if a woman who just slept with a man and he pulls away is on here asking advice, it's because she slept with him too soon, gained a false attachment and is now freaking out. So telling her she slept with him too soon is in fact true. If a woman can't handle casual sex, sleeping with a man before establishing where things stand or at the very least reaching a point of comfort with whatever outcome, is going to be a bad idea.

 

That's not treating sex as a commodity, that's recognizing the emotional importance sex has for certain individuals. You don't have to understand it, but at least respect the different ways men and women process things. The advice is centered on the woman.

 

I understand this, but not sure what purpose waiting serves.

 

If a woman is going to become emotionally attached after sex, why does it matter if she waits 4 dates or 12 dates? She will become attached no matter how long she waits.

 

And if a man's intention is to "hit it and quit it," or just something casual, she will be hurt regardless of how long she waits.

 

Dating with no sex does not result in a man becoming emotionally attached, such that he will not leave after sex. There are never guarantees he won't leave afterwards no matter how long they wait.

 

This is a belief many women have, but having five brothers and talking to guys in a meet up support group I used to attend, most men don't operate that way.

 

In fact many don't even know whether or not they want a RL (with a particular woman) "until" they have sex. Not all, but many.

 

Again, no guarantees. It's all a risk, no matter long she waits.

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I understand this, but not sure what purpose waiting serves.

 

If she's going to become attached after sex, why does it matter if she waits 4 dates or 12 dates? She will become attached no matter how long she waits.

 

And if a man's intention is to "hit it and quit it," she will be hurt regardless of how long she waits.

 

Dating with no sex does not result in a man becoming emotionally attached, such that he will not leave after sex. There are never guarantees he won't leave afterwards.

 

This is a belief many women have, but having five brothers and talking to guys in a meet up support group I used to attend, most men don't operate that way.

 

In fact many don't even know whether or not they want a RL "until" they have sex. Not all, but many.

 

Again, no guarantees.

 

 

For a woman who gets emotionally attached via sex,the best advice she can get is hold off on getting naked.

 

I don't see waiting as manipulation, I see that as advice that takes into account the woman's emotional wellbeing.

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For a woman who gets emotionally attached via sex,the best advice she can get is hold off on getting naked.

 

I don't see waiting as manipulation, I see that as advice that takes into account the woman's emotional wellbeing.

 

But you haven't explained what purpose waiting actually serves? What is she hoping will happen by waiting? This is what confuses me.

 

As I said, waiting does not cause men to become emotionally attached. Seriously, ask men, it doesn't. Assuming this is what she's hoping for.

 

Or is it a "test" of sorts? To see if he sticks around? Can you explain?

 

I've known men who have bolted after waiting 20 dates! If he's gonna bolt, he's gonna bolt regardless. The sex didn't click, he's a "player" whatever.

 

And the way I see it, spending more time with a man sans sex might result in her becoming emotionally attached anyway. It does for me. So don't really understand the point of waiting.

 

I don't think waiting is always a manipulation. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

 

I was just saying that is what many men think. In some cases I agree.

 

Heck, I've known women who admit it is!!

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I think, in some cases, people have sex before they're emotionally/mentally ready.

 

Some people are okay with having casual sex, and may not feel anything after the fact, but I think in a lot of cases it's safe to say that subsequent to sex, most people feel much more vulnerable.

 

Feeling that vulnerability fuels anxiety; at least it does for me.

 

Speaking for myself, I wait to sleep with someone until I'm in an exclusive relationship. I need trust to enjoy sex.

 

It's not to say that a guy won't dump me somewhere down the line after we've done the deed. However, at least I was emotionally prepared to have sex, and I enjoyed it.

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I think, in some cases, people have sex before they're emotionally/mentally ready.

 

Some people are okay with having casual sex, and may not feel anything after the fact, but I think in a lot of cases it's safe to say that subsequent to sex, most people feel much more vulnerable.

 

Feeling that vulnerability fuels anxiety; at least it does for me.

 

Speaking for myself, I wait to sleep with someone until I'm in an exclusive relationship. I need trust to enjoy sex.

 

It's not to say that a guy won't dump me somewhere down the line after we've done the deed. However, at least I was emotionally prepared to have sex, and I enjoyed it.

 

I totally get this. I advised to have sex when 'both' are comfortable. Him and you!

 

Comfortable with him, the RL, whatever happens afterwards.

 

So you (or any woman wanting to wait) doesn't feel comfortable yet, thank you.

 

This answers my question! :D

 

For me personally, when very sexually attracted, I find it almost impossible to wait.

 

I'm good with whatever happens afterwards, including if he chose to bolt.

 

Would it hurt if he bolted afterwards? Of course. But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

 

I understand it's all a risk, really. Dating, sex, relationships, all of it.

 

Anyone can leave at any time, even after agreeing to be exclusive!

 

There are never any guarantees, ever.

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But you haven't explained what purpose waiting actually serves? What is she hoping will happen by waiting? This is what confuses me.

 

As I said, waiting does not cause men to become emotionally attached. Seriously, ask men, it doesn't. Assuming this is what she's hoping for.

 

I've known men who have bolted after waiting 20 dates! If he's gonna bolt, he's gonna bolt regardless. The sex didn't click, he's a "player" whatever.

 

And the way I see it, spending more time with a man sans sex might result in her becoming emotionally attached anyway. It does for me. So don't really understand the point of waiting.

 

I don't think waiting is always a manipulation. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

 

I was just saying that is what many men think. In some cases I agree.

 

Heck, I've known women who admit it is!!

 

You're still basing this on manipulation. Part of dating IS getting to know one another, to see if you mesh, if your goals align, your chemistry, sex is a part of the equation, but it's only a part, there's so much more!

 

Attachment via spending time with one another and getting to know one another is different than a false attachment that happened based on nothing but vulnerability.

 

Again, I am not basing my advice on manipulation, or technique or whatever else, my advice is based solely on the emotional wellbeing of a woman who gets attached via sex, wait until you're ready, wait until you've communicated, wait until you have an understanding of one another, be completely ready.

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You're still basing this on manipulation. Part of dating IS getting to know one another, to see if you mesh, if your goals align, your chemistry, sex is a part of the equation, but it's only a part, there's so much more!

 

Attachment via spending time with one another and getting to know one another is different than a false attachment that happened based on nothing but vulnerability.

 

Again, I am not basing my advice on manipulation, or technique or whatever else, my advice is based solely on the emotional wellbeing of a woman who gets attached via sex, wait until you're ready, wait until you've communicated, wait until you have an understanding of one another, be completely ready.

 

Fair enough :D see my last post. I get it now.

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I totally get this. I advised to have sex when 'both' are comfortable. Him and you!

 

Comfortable with him, the RL, whatever happens afterwards.

 

So you didn't feel comfortable yet, thank you.

 

This answers my question! :D

 

For me personally, when very attracted, I find it almost impossible to wait.

 

I'm good with whatever happens afterwards, including if he chose to bolt.

 

I understand it's all a risk. Dating, sex, relationships, all of it.

 

Anyone can leave at any time, even after agreeing to be exclusive.

 

There are never any guarantees, ever.

 

I wish I had this mindset.

 

Trust me, have been tempted many times! However, the thought of doing too soon trumped that temptation, I suppose.

 

I've always been one to say 'never say never', so maybe a time will come when I'll throw caution to the wind.

 

However, for now, this is what's good for me.

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I wish I had this mindset.

 

Trust me, have been tempted many times! However, the thought of doing too soon trumped that temptation, I suppose.

 

I've always been one to say 'never say never', so maybe a time will come when I'll throw caution to the wind.

 

However, for now, this is what's good for me.

 

Well as I always say, you gotta do what works best for you.

 

But, just as figureitout said a man needs to understand a woman's perspective re her emotions, it's equally important for a woman to understand his perspective also.

 

Fact: Many men (not all) may interpret your waiting as meaning (1) you're not that attracted to him, and/or (2) you're "testing" him to see if he sticks around.

 

If he does, in your mind, he passed the test and probably won't leave afterwards.

 

Which isn't always true, but..... it's what you tell yourself.

 

That said, if you are not comfortable then don't. It won't be good anyway.

 

It's only good when both are comfortable, and emotionally ready and prepared for whatever happens afterwards, as sex does often change things.

 

Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. :)

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I understand this, but not sure what purpose waiting serves.

 

If a woman is going to become emotionally attached after sex, why does it matter if she waits 4 dates or 12 dates? She will become attached no matter how long she waits.

 

And if a man's intention is to "hit it and quit it," or just something casual, she will be hurt regardless of how long she waits.

 

Dating with no sex does not result in a man becoming emotionally attached, such that he will not leave after sex. There are never guarantees he won't leave afterwards no matter how long they wait.

 

This is a belief many women have, but having five brothers and talking to guys in a meet up support group I used to attend, most men don't operate that way.

 

In fact many don't even know whether or not they want a RL (with a particular woman) "until" they have sex. Not all, but many.

 

Again, no guarantees. It's all a risk, no matter long she waits.

 

Because if she gets emotionally attached through sex and she cares about her own well-being, waiting until she knows the man well and there is love and commitment (exclusivity, not just monogamy) means that she is choosing to be even more vulnerable with someone who has shown he sees strong long term potential -so the risk of being hurt, of becoming attached to someone who doesn't feel the same, is far far less. I am really glad I waited as long as I did, regret the time I didn't (two months, no "I love you" and he would have wanted me to abort if I got pregnant -not ok with me), and am also glad that that meant I had fewer sexual partners before I got married - I did not want to have a lot of partners for a number of reasons and I didn't marry till age 42.

 

Having said that there is nothing wrong with a woman who enjoys casual sex, who goes in with eyes wide open and is honest with herself about her expectations from it - more power to her in the sense that she is doing what she wants to do and enjoys doing and will not blame a man or call him a jerk or worse "he used me" if he decides he doesn't want to keep having sex/ be with her. I don't think that means anything positive or negative about her attitude toward sex -it's just an individual preference. I know people who enjoy casual sex who have hang ups about sex (they aren't "freer" sexually) as well as the reverse.

 

I do think it's important to wait to have sex if that is consistent with one's values and a very bad idea to express that value to a man you're dating and then have sex early on anyway - for some other reason like "I got carried away" or "he said he was into me" or "I didn't want to lose him" - to me that shows a lack of respect for oneself and the man in question might respect the woman less.

 

The men who wanted to be with me potentially long term saw my waiting as either positive (my being true to my values) or neutral -i.e. they were fine with it - and they knew how attracted I was because it was obvious - sexual intercourse isn't necessary to show that. None thought I wasn't interested enough. Those who declined to date me because I didn't do early sex/causal sex either ended things because they were not that into me or because casual sex was more important to them than me. Two men called me back months later and said they did want to wait. It didn't work out with either of them. Maybe three ,actually.

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"I'm good with whatever happens afterwards, including if he chose to bolt.

 

Would it hurt if he bolted afterwards? Of course. But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

 

I understand it's all a risk, really. Dating, sex, relationships, all of it."

 

Of course it's all a risk -but we all judge the level of risk and manage that particular level of risk differently. I also didn't want to risk pregnancy since I most likely would not have aborted, or STDs which increases with multiple partners.

 

When I was really attracted it was possible to wait because my interest was in the long term -marriage -eyes on the prize when I was in that situation.

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Batya, you and I have discussed this previously, I know how you feel about it. :D

 

Yes agree we all do whatever is best for us.

 

As I have mentioned before, I am not into casual sex, never was and never will be.

 

Sex is emotional for me, and means something, no matter if it happens early on or later.

 

Early sex, waiting to have sex, have all led to LTRs.

 

I am in a RL now, hopefully long term. At least that is how I feel now. Anything can happen, but feel positive. Things are good! We had one semi-rough patch (see my thread) but resolved and became closer for having done so.

 

We waited a few weeks to have full blown (and mind-blowing lol) sex, but became physical very early on.

 

I suppose I am just a bigger risk taker than many women.

 

I am a strong girl, and KNOW I will be OK no matter what happens afterwards, which is why I am able to take the risk.

 

I respect the choices you and everyone else make.

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Batya, we have discussed this before, I know how you feel about it.:D

 

Yes agree we all do whatever is best for us.

 

As I have mentioned before, I am not into casual sex, never was and never will be.

 

Early sex, waiting to have sex, have all led to LTRs.

 

I am in a RL now, hopefully long term. At last that is how I feel now.

 

We waited a few weeks to have full blown (and mind-blowing lol) sex, but became physical very early on.

 

I suppose I am just a bigger risk taker then many women.

 

I am a strong girl, and KNOW I will be OK no matter what happens afterwards.

 

To me casual sex is sex without exclusivity. If you decide to be exclusive (not just monogamous) early on ,it's not casual sex. In my experience early sex risks having a long term relationship because if it doesn't go well the first time the couple lacks a foundation of closeness and knowing each other and there's a greater risk that they won't be committed to working through whatever might have happened (assuming there is chemistry, desire, etc).

 

I don't think it makes you a bigger risk taker necessarily -it just might not be as risky for you so you're willing to risk it. For me it was very risky particularly since back then STDs were riskier (less treatments, less accurate tests) and because of the pregnancy risk given that abortion was not a real option for me.

 

It also doesn't make someone stronger just because she chooses to have sex before commitment or right away, etc -it might mean that in some cases and it also might mean lower self esteem, fear of missing out, so many other reasons. On the other hand to me it can show strength in sticking to one's values, and abstaining despite temptation for a longer term goal (like dieting, for example - you wouldn't say a person who chooses to give into temptation of sweets or fried foods because he has the desire and is willing to risk the bad effects is therefore "stronger").

 

What I cannot stand for is women who claim to be fine with early on or casual sex because "it's 2018" or "it felt right" and then call the guy a jerk or other judgey/negative name when he doesn't call her after. Buyer's remorse and unfair to men (and leads so often to the woman being bitter or jaded about men).

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