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Thread: Blowing hot and cold new guy

  1. #1
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    Blowing hot and cold new guy

    Hi everyone,
    I wud really appreciate some input into my situation with this new guy Iím seeing.

    Long story short, about 7 weeks ago I met a guy online. Contrary to all my previous experiences 6 to be precise, this one was just great. We were both very impressed by each other to a point that our 1st date ended up being 8 hours; basically we really clicked both physically intellectually etc.

    So, this dude travels a lot for work and when he is not traveling Iíve realized he devotes his free time to us and we get together either for dinner wine etc... Iíve seen him 6 times so far, and on date 4 we started to have sex😉.

    So now, back to the traveling, this time he is traveling for a health related issue and thou he tries to stay in touch all the time he has gone MIA. I do see him online on Watspp but he doesnít say anything to me. I really like this guy, he is a professional and super intelligent. I am also an educated intelligent good looking young girl and he honestly is like a dream man to me too.

    So how do I move into this situation the best way possible without seeming too aloof or pushy. Sometimes he msgs a lot of good mornings and good nights even from his business trips, then again he disappears then again all lovey. I know the guy is also working on startups and studying towards another degree while having a minor health issue too.

    Pls tell me how to go about keeping this man interested and not changing the dynamics. Clearly this guy doesnít owe me anything and I canít be in his head but I want him to see me as the high value sexy woman that I am but I donít know what to do in terms of msgs and checking on him and how much is too much? I am intruding him during this stressful time or should I show some compassion or will it look like I am already expecting demanding relationship stuff etc....

    Sorry for the long msg.

    L.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    What qualifies as "MIA" to you?

  3. #3
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    Thereís no way to make him show the level of interest youíd like. I think itís too early to determine yet. Give it a couple months to see how he acts. If at that time heís not showing the level of interest you desire, move on.

  4. #4
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    I would focus on whether he makes a plan to see you in person ASAP after he returns. I don't think he needs to be texting you all the time. You've made it clear that you are highly interested in him and that you are ok with casual sex. Also get clear on your goals. Do you want him to be impressed by you and do you need him to validate that he is still interested by typing "good morning" or do you want to give him the space to get to know you over a reasonable period of time - you, not a "high value" "sexy" woman - that's about wanting him to see you as some sort of prize. He might but staying in touch through typing and messaging is not the way (and again I think the priority should be letting him get to know you at a reasonable pace- not insta-relationship.

    So I would not text him right now or do a lot of back and forth a la chat buddy. If he texts you to make a plan, respond when it's convenient, make the plan and tell him you look forward to seeing him. You can ask him out too -you've had sex and seen him 6 times -so ask him if he wants to make a plan in advance. Then make the plan and let him do his thing on his trip and miss you a bit. Catch up when he returns.

    i also don't think he's blowing hot and cold. There's no "hot" yet - you don't know him well and have only been out 6 times. His actions relating to interest are typical in the beginning stages of dating. Cold is if he doesn't ask you out on another date or accept your invitation enthusiastically. Then his actions will reflect that he was interested but might no longer be. Try to manage your expectations here- these are very early days.

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  6. #5
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    It just sounds like he's extremely busy and possibly worried about his health. How often is he suppose to text you if he's in class, or studying for his degree or going to the doctor? Can you be a little more clear about MIA? He tweets you good morning and good nights . When does he go missing? And you're only on the 6th date. You're still getting to know each other. Your lives haven't been integrated yet. I'm just trying to figure out if you're expecting too much from him at this point.

  7. #6
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    I think you had sex with him too soon. I would have gotten to know him a lot longer and found out what his intentions were + make things official before sleeping with him. Right now you're sleeping with someone who can still go our with girls if he wants. Clarify things before proceeding to sleep with him again.

  8. #7
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    I agree- you shouldíve waited longer before being intimate.

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    Well he doesn't need to try very hard now since you've already had sex so early on.
    He's also very busy and distracted. Just play it cool and don't bombard him with messages.
    At some point you need to know his intentions though. If he wants to keep it casual and you don't,
    you'll need to walk away.

  10. #9
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    I agree with Honeycomb.

    However, it's possible that he's just plain busy and your expectations of him are too high at this point.

    Give it time and don't worry yourself too much.

    Do you think you would feel this way if you hadn't slept with him yet?

    Thinking that because you slept with him you might feel more vulnerable.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    No man who's interested in a pursuing the option of an actual relationship with you is going to care if you had sex 4 dates in or 12. If he's genuinely not interested in you after you've had sex, it doesn't mean you blew it. It means sex was his only goal to begin with. Base your sexual activity on your comfort level, not whether you arbitrarily increase or decrease your chances with a guy or whether it will have an impact on his "effort." And even if we were to try to extrapolate this scenario into some sort of standard, four dates really isn't a bad number to wait if your goal is to filter out men who are after one thing.

    This idea than men, by design, essentially need to be trained to be relationship-minded by using sex as some commodity to be earned through some grand effort should have died with the RomComs that perpetuated it, and that's for the sake of all involved. If a guy is interested in you, he'll put an effort into getting to know you. End of.

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