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Thread: Moving in together with my almost one year boyfriend but one big issue

  1. #1
    lolita
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    Moving in together with my almost one year boyfriend but one big issue

    Dear All,

    I haven't been back here for a while now. I have decided to post here instead than in the "pets" section, because I didn't want to receive only feedback from pets lover but from any type of people.

    Alright, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and I have told him the desire to move in together for our one year anniversary. We are both in our mid thirties so I think one year is more than enough time to know where you are standing in the relationship and know if this is for the long haul. My boyfriend loves his freedom and was a bit reluctant. But because we live far from each other, moving in tgt would be the best for us to grow closer and to take this relationship later on to the next level.

    BUT he refuses to move in with my two cats... Does he use the "cats issue" to win time so to avoid to move in together, to get things serious.? Is he scared to be fully committed and having responsibilities? He has NO allergies, he just doesn't like cats. When he comes to my house he has no choice but to be with them. Sometimes I think he over milks it . Because I have seen him petting them, playing with them, or going outdoor with them and making sure they get back in with him. I have tried to convince him a million times. But he is really stubborn and refuse to give in. So I m running out of arguments to convince him. I ve told him, that I would always be the one in charge of them, that I will clean as much as possible to avoid fur to be all over the place and also I will make sure they don't enter our bedroom. I initially even told him that we should look for a 2 bedrooms apt. So cats could be sleeping sometimes in the guest bedroom. But he wants a certain type of apt and I have to be ok with it.

    So tell me how can I convince him? I m sad that he had asked me to get rid of them, when he knows how much I love them and how important they mean to me. Specifically that both are rescue pets. What kind of person would I be to put them back to the shelter I ve saved them from? I m alone in the city, my entire family lives abroad. I don't understand why he can't see that the issue is really hurting me and affecting me. He knew from day one I had 2 cats. I have assured him that in the unfortunate even that they die, I wont ask him to have another pet, that is something different to ask for a pet and already having two. I m 35, I don't have kids although I m dreaming to have one so my cats are a bit replacing that emptiness of not being a mother yet.

    The problem is now he has put us in a dead end. Because I won't get a rid of them and I wont be able to go on years and years living a part from each other and seeing each other just once or twice a week. That relationship will be doomed.

    So I ll be glad if anyone can help suggesting compromise to make him change is mind.

    Thanks a lot

  2. #2
    SweetGirl28
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    Are they declawed? Maybe he's worried they will wreck his furniture.
    Cats are known to pee in corners on carpets too. Is that an issue?

  3. #3
    Batya33
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    I'm of two minds (former cat owner and would love to have a cat now, logistics/practicalities are obstacles right now!). So yes -it's "love me/love my cats" and on the other hand - if he moves in he is moving in with the cats even if you're 100% responsible. My mother didn't really like cats and basically tolerated ours growing up (my father fawned all over him lol) and she made that sacrifice for the rest of us. So I get making sacrifices.

    I did have a friend who had 2 cats she adored and after their son was born she realized she had to re-home them and she did. But, she now has cats now that her kids are older.

    I just don't see you giving up the cats and if you think he's using this as an excuse that's the real issue. if you share living space is the plan to get engaged/married or is it mainly for convenience? Have you considered having the cats stay with your family (another friend did that with her dog also because of her baby).

  4. #4
    Wiseman2
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    Maybe it's too soon to move in together. Do not get rid of your pets. Unfortunately, it's about this, not the cats:
    Quote Originally Posted by lolita [Register to see the link]
    My boyfriend loves his freedom and was a bit reluctant.

  5. #5
    Hollyj
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    I like cats, but could never live with them : destroying furniture, litter box and marking the home.

    You can't force him to live with you, if he doesn't like cats. I think you need to make a choice.

  6. #6
    j.man
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    Why are you trying to push and convince him to move in together when you haven't even been together a year yet? I get some move faster than others, but if he's not the type to, that's absolutely healthy.

    A good way to tell if cats truly are the obstacle would be to completely reframe the narrative. Drop the whole urgency to cohabit and seriously inquire on whether, if 2, 3 or however many years went by and you two decided to move in together, he would still not be able to tolerate the cats. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to live with cats. They're ***holes, and I think it's perfectly fine if someone wants to draw a line in the sand there. That said, I'm the owner of two little ***holes and there's no way I'd get rid of them for a woman. She could be an awesome lady, but I know there are plenty of awesome women out there who like cats, or who will at least tolerate them.

    So, yeah. Drop the pressure so that you can get a real answer on this potentially huge incompatibility.

  7. #7
    LHGirl
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    This isn't just about the cats. This is about him feeling pressured by you to move in, by you making him feel that he "should be" moving in because it's one year.

    He's already shared his reluctance, so now he's layering in the issue with the cats. He knows you'll never get rid of the cats, so it's a great buffer wall for him.

    It's not about whether he loves cats, hates cats, or is indifferent to cats. This is about two people moving forward in a relationship, and he is very happy as things are right now, yet you are pushing things along. You will LOSE HIM if you don't back off. Let him breathe. Let him come to you with some suggestions. And what is so special about one year?

  8. #8
    reinventmyself
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hollyj [Register to see the link]
    I like cats, but could never live with them : destroying furniture, litter box and marking the home.

    You can't force him to live with you, if he doesn't like cats. I think you need to make a choice.
    I have cats and they have never clawed furniture, my litter box is outside and they have never once marked anything.

    That being said . . My spidey senses tell me that he's using this as a road block.
    Especially in light of the fact that he interacts with them and seems to enjoy them, despite his protests. Some thing doesn't add up.

    If he is indeed bluffing. Call him on it. Tell him that it's too bad that to two of you can't seem to come to an agreement on it
    and for the meanwhile, the idea of moving into together is off the table.

    I will get on my soap box here. . You signed up to be a pet owner for the life of the pet, not until it becomes an inconvenience.
    You made a commitment to these two little rescues. Please keep it.

  9. #9
    SweetGirl28
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    Quote Originally Posted by j.man [Register to see the link]
    Why are you trying to push and convince him to move in together when you haven't even been together a year yet? I get some move faster than others, but if he's not the type to, that's absolutely healthy.

    A good way to tell if cats truly are the obstacle would be to completely reframe the narrative. Drop the whole urgency to cohabit and seriously inquire on whether, if 2, 3 or however many years went by and you two decided to move in together, he would still not be able to tolerate the cats. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to live with cats. They're ***holes, and I think it's perfectly fine if someone wants to draw a line in the sand there. That said, I'm the owner of two little ***holes and there's no way I'd get rid of them for a woman. She could be an awesome lady, but I know there are plenty of awesome women out there who like cats, or who will at least tolerate them.

    So, yeah. Drop the pressure so that you can get a real answer on this potentially huge incompatibility.
    Lmao, I'm the owner of two little ***holes also

  10. #10
    LHGirl
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    To add: I'm super highly allergic to cats, plus I'm a dog person.

    Several years ago, I dated a guy with 2 cats, and I started seeing an allergist. It would never, in a million years, be fair to have him get rid of his cats for us to move forward. Months after our breakup, he called me crying when one of his cats passed, as he knew I'd understand his love for them.

    Yep, as reinventmyself said, your guy is using the cats as a roadblock.

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