Girlfriend having abortion and says she needs time to herself. What do I do?

Hello, this is my first post in this forum and I am struggling and need a lot of help. 2 weeks ago my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, we are both 24 years old. I was delighted but last Saturday she messaged me saying she wanted to have an abortion and that she was not mentally, financially or stable enough in her job and we don't have a mortgage. She is also depressed in her job and wanting a new career which having a baby would ruin. She also said we could try again in the future once we had a proper house and she was in a career that made her happy.

I was devastated at first but realised she was right. However she has not bothered to see me in nearly 2 weeks, saying she needs time to digest it and I was suffocating her with texts about it. I have an anxiety disorder that tends to flare up and this only added fuel to the fire. I have apologised since and apart from the odd message about her feeling rotten and sick etc she had still not bothered to see me. She's not the only one suffering. She has been to see her pals because they are not as emotionally attached but for God's sake it was my baby aswell and I don't really know what to do here.

I love her to pieces and she obviously does as everything had been fine between us until this happened and been together 2 years. I know my anxiety doesn't help and makes me jump to ridiculous conclusions.

can someone please help and settle my mind, I really need to see her but do I let her have this time to herself? She is very unwell both physically and emotionally because of this. Mood swings, sickness the lot. Do I ride it out? Please help. Thank you

I'm sorry, I understand you want to be there, but everyone handles stressful situations differently.

If she's pulling away, you need to let her have her space. She may be worried you will try to talk

her into changing her mind, or seeing you may make her feel she will change it, and so is avoiding you.

Be aware that often times in this situation, a break up follows.

You helped to create this, but it's ultimately the female who holds the decision, as its her body.

There's going to be a whirlwind of emotions that follow, if she follows through (even if she decides to go through with the pregnancy) its a good idea for youto get a support system in place to vent your feelings. Good luck, I hope things work out.

I would gather your own support system around you, your family and friends. Let them know you need support. Just let your gf know you will be there if and when she needs support. I would prepare for a break up though most relationships don’t last after an abortion. I am sorry you have to go through this.

Thank you for the replies. They have helped. She hasn't given any inclination of wanting to break up. Even when she told me she wanted the abortion we would try again in the future when we are in a proper position in life to bring a new life into the world.

I just hope it's her hormones, how she is feeling etc just now that is making her want to stay away and have her own space. She was messaging me last night and sending me photos of the crazy cravings she has been eating but just doesn't want to seem to see me in person just now and it worries me sick.

This is why you need your own support system. She may not realize you are in pain too. Many times in this process the man is forgotten . It is forgotten that it was also the man’s child . And that men are in pain in this process too. So gather your support system around you .

mglen1992

Just be aware that if you do stay together, every time you get intimate that thought of the abortion

may very well creep up in one or both of your minds, and cause issues for the relationship.

I'm just trying to forewarn you that it could be a huge stressor later. She might feel a temporary sense

of relief after, but often extreme guilt results after, and it's taken out in the form of breaking up.

I feel empathetic towards you that she's sending you her cravings. Please, like I said earlier, get your

own support system in place. You have to keep your emotions balanced for your own health and well being.

This is why you need your own support system. She may not realize you are in pain too. Many times in this process the man is forgotten . It is forgotten that it was also the man’s child . And that men are in pain in this process too. So gather your support system around you .

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The man feels it too, and that's often overlooked, unfortunately.

Wow thanks again everyone and wow because just as I was reading these I got 4 messages from her she went on a spa day her mum got her and sent me all the photos saying it was what she needed and the happiest she's felt in weeks.

Hopefully it all works out we both love each other i just need to be patient and there for her and pray to God it works out but it made me so happy seeing her happy today. She's not been like that in so long.

Same rules must apply whatever the situation.

She doesn't want to be with you right now, a tragedy should bring lovers closer together not further apart. Tell her that she can contact you when she feels the same way about spending time with you, you love her and support her but can't have your life on hold if she doesn't want you around.

Then disappear, complete NC. Look after yourself and do bear in mind that she is showing signs of moving on. I'm really sorry to have to say.

Good that she went on her spa with her mum, but the fact is she still isn't reaching out to you and seeing you. Her communication is more that of a friend. You must walk on with NC unless and until she reaches out to you. Otherwise, you may get friend zoned.

Can I ask why such important of a subject has taken place over text and not in person? Are you guys long distance that you weren’t able to do what little talking you have been doing in person?

Do your parents know what’s going on?

Wow thanks again everyone and wow because just as I was reading these I got 4 messages from her she went on a spa day her mum got her and sent me all the photos saying it was what she needed and the happiest she's felt in weeks.

 

Hopefully it all works out we both love each other i just need to be patient and there for her and pray to God it works out but it made me so happy seeing her happy today. She's not been like that in so long.

I'm not trying to be uncompassionate, but a spa day does not address the issue, nor does it help you.

She is out and about, okay, but she's just covering up rather than dealing with it. And still you're there

waiting , hoping she will see you, hanging on to every text she sends you.

Do you know how many weeks she is, or if she even has an appointment to terminate the pregnancy?

I'm not trying to be uncompassionate, but a spa day does not address the issue, nor does it help you.

She is out and about, okay, but she's just covering up rather than dealing with it. And still you're there

waiting , hoping she will see you, hanging on to every text she sends you.

Do you know how many weeks she is, or if she even has an appointment to terminate the pregnancy?

Good question!

I know everyone handles things differently and she may well be under a lot of stress but I think she is treating you very poorly. If you have a crisis to face a strong couple should handle it as a team.

What if you were married and stressful events occurred. Would she just up and leave, you hanging in limbo and distressed until she felt like returning to the nest?

I agree with a previous comment that you should tell her that you are very hurt and concerned and to contact you when she wishes to see you. Then leave her be. I do feel she may have one foot out the door. She is being very selfish.

Please approach your friends and family for support and make an appointment with a counsellor who specifically deals with abortions.

saying she needs time to digest it and I was suffocating her

Suffocation is a strong word, and it's a warning word that I would heed.

I can tell how much you care about your girlfriend, mglen, and my heart aches for you. Like some other posters have mentioned, it doesn’t seem like she is handling this situation very well. I know that if I got pregnant 2 years into dating my husband I definitely would have wanted his support and I would have wanted him to go to the clinic with me, since like you said it would be his baby too.

Everyone is different, of course. But one thing that strikes me as odd is that she found out she was pregnant two weeks ago, she knew right away that she wanted an abortion, and yet she hasn’t had the abortion yet? If she has time for a spa day with her mom, she has time to get the abortion. Especially since, if it is early enough in her pregnancy, she can get the abortion pill rather than having to undergo the in-office abortion procedure. I wonder what her logic is for why she is delaying it.