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6 Years Lacking affection.


goodkatherine

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Hello. So this is going to be long cause I have to draw out this relationship first, but I am going to stay on topic. So I'm just gonna be blunt about this, my sex life is failing, miserably, and here is my story. Me and my boyfriend met our junior year of high school, fell in love, and have been with each other ever since. I grew up in a bad household, moved out when I was 18 into his Nana's house, then me him and our friend moved into a trailer. Our relationship was still new at that point, only being together 2 years(so we still had other problems and us being so young and learning how to be an adult was another difficult thing to) but our biggest problem, and obv. still our biggest problem is our sex life. (Also I will mention here that we started having sex after our one year mark, and I will also admit that I am the one who initiated the whole idea (which now thinking about it, may have pressured him)(this little bit of info will be important later)). Anyway, so we move in with his friend, long story short, didn't work out, his friend fell in love with me, and my boyfriend and me never had sex because he had a porn addiction (which is something we didn't really discuss until after we moved out). Living there was HELL. We couldn't get any time together, because his friend got so jelious, and whenever we did get time together we never did anything. Instead there would be long nights where I tried to have sex with him, but he always stated he was "to tired", "not in the mood"(even though we hadn't had sex in months) ect. but then there would be nights where we laid down next to each other watching a movie and he would jack off in front of me to some girls on the American Pie movie, (Guess he wasn't in the mood for me). But through all that, the long morning where he would masturbate in the shower for 40 min, and the no sex, and everything, I am still with him and we both decided to move out on our own and start fresh. So now, 23 years old, we Are still having problems. This problem had been discussed over and over and over again, to the point where both of us are crying, I mean crying hard. He stopped watching porn, completely for like two years, until recently whenever we both agreed that it shouldn't be something glooming over him, instead he needs to learn control, and honestly for a few months everything was fine, so I'm assuming (cant say for sure) that its not porn anymore. But, still, still to this day, he wont kiss me, or me. AND I'M ABOVE PISSED OFF at this point. I'm over it, I have went through so many stages of this thinking it was me, that I'm not pretty enough, and thinking it was him, he feels alone. NO that, I'm so tired of this stupid problem. I'm done crying about it, I want this stupid problem to get fixed so we can argue about something else. I'm so tired of this problem its like 10,000 bricks are hanging around me neck. and it sucks cause he is perfect in all other departments. He helps around the house, we don't argue about anything, we talk about our problems, we agree on finances, I mean for some reason we just work together, never any fights and if there is, we know how to maintain a fight in an adult way without freaking out. But this problem is wearing me out. I cant deal with this, I need a man who will be able to show me affection, and not "forget", "not realize". I mean he literally ing knows that he does it, he knows that he sucks up all my affection and doesn't give any back, but then he cries about it when we have a long talk about it, I don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost and tired, My heart is broken, and things re starting to get heated now, there is a bunch of tension cause he knows whats up. i always thought men were the ones that was begging there girls for some action, never thought I would be the one begging my boyfriend to me once a month (if I'm lucky). Sorry this is was so long, But I really hope someone can take there time to read this and help me out, Cause I need someones advice that's not involved. Thanks peeps. Love all.

 

 

I will note here that when i say he wont kiss me, I mean kiss me like in a real kiss, or make out, I mean we cuddle and we do have sex, but its lacking that occasional passionate sex people get(I know sex is nit always like that, but people occasionally feel that sometimes, and that's something we haven't felt in a long time).

 

I will also say that I am deeply in love with this man, he is my everything, our relationship is so good, except this one problem, I would really appreciate honest answers with advice. I hate when people comment stupid , this is not a joke, this is something serious that is going on with two real people, Always remember, you may be reading this from a screen, but always remember an actual human being typed this out.

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What you see is what you get.

 

This has been the dynamic the entire time you've known him. It's unreasonable at this point to expect any different.

 

So, these are your choices. You except this relationship as it is, or you decide that it just isn't enough for you.

 

I get that he's a great guy in all other areas and maybe that's reason enough to stay. But you wouldn't be here asking if that was the case.

 

Has ever considered therapy or have you two ever considered couples counseling? That being said, at best he isn't going to be the man you seem

to hope he'll be.

 

I am sorry, but it looks like you have a difficult decision to make.

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When you've made your feelings known time and again, and nothing changes, it's unlikely to improve.

Your confidence and self esteem have been affected, and this is leaving you emotionally drained.

You have a decision to make- leave or suffer. Just be aware that you can find someone who you

have an intense sexual chemistry with, but they may lack the other qualities you seek.

 

Did he ever do counseling to figure out why he is like this?

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Well, you've described how disappointed you are with the lack of sex, but exactly what is up with your boyfriend? From the few scraps of info you've given, he could have clinical depression. He might need some medicine. Does he drink and smoke weed as well? Like Shakespeare said "drinking stimulates desire but hinders performance." Maybe he needs to cut down. When he was masturbating to American Pie, why didn't you take over that task to finish him off? He would have appreciated it rather than you just staring approvingly at him. Or maybe he has low testosterone levels. He also might have been using porn to help him to get it up because porn is a fantasy thing where the sex and the girls are exaggerated to help a guy get off. I can tell you that men are embarrassed when they can't perform and they hate admitting it to their partner. You could offer to watch porn with him. The combination of watching porn and having you on top of him or yanking him might get the two of you off. Or maybe you can buy a little French Maid costume or get him a new sex toy and help him with it. Maybe you need to be creative. I'm just saying. If you can find out what the problem is, you can address it.

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When he was masturbating to American Pie, why didn't you take over that task to finish him off? He would have appreciated it rather than you just staring approvingly at him. Or maybe he has low testosterone levels. He also might have been using porn to help him to get it up because porn is a fantasy thing where the sex and the girls are exaggerated to help a guy get off. I can tell you that men are embarrassed when they can't perform and they hate admitting it to their partner. You could offer to watch porn with him. The combination of watching porn and having you on top of him or yanking him might get the two of you off. Or maybe you can buy a little French Maid costume or get him a new sex toy and help him with it. Maybe you need to be creative. I'm just saying. If you can find out what the problem is, you can address it.

 

Please don't make this about her not doing enough.

 

never had sex because he had a porn addiction

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Please don't make this about her not doing enough.

 

Hey, I'm just trying to figure out why this is happening. She said her side of the story, but I didn't hear the husband's side or what she is doing to address it. I'm 61 and I've had some problems in the bedroom from time to time. I have a good wife who have helped me deal with this stuff in the ways I've described. I think most men would rather have sex with a woman than whacking off by themselves. But I can tell you, complaining to your boyfriend that you're not having enough sex only makes the problem worse, especially if he's having problems. Guys don't want to admit they're having problems. They don't have the verbal skills like women do to discuss what's wrong. I still feel he's either depressed or having ED problems or both and he needs some kind of help.

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I appreciate your response. He is very verbal and will talk about from time to time with me. And about the whole American pie thing;, what happend that night was absolutely wrong. I laid down naked next to him hoping that something would happen, I even tried but got rejected. I didn't stare at him, I turned over and was trying to fall asleep then he ended up doing that, thinking I was asleep and it hurt more than anything for that to happen right after he rejected me and told me that he wasn't in the mood. I'm sorry but I have to disagree. He even admitted earlier that sometimes porn and doing it himself is easier. I even tried watching porn with him, I have bought outfits and dressed up. But I get rejected and porn has always been there first. He knows alias a selfish thing. It's been the recent topic we have been talking about. I've tried not talking to him about it to( thinking it would ease stress and tension) , but that makes it worse and it gets know where. I've been very considerate of his feeling through the whole problem. I just really don't know what else to do. I can't really understand how someone says they want sex but don't do it

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the fantasy arouses him probably more and easier than a real life person/ 6 year relationship. Stop nagging him about it, I don't think that will help. Maybe you should start going out with friends not to cheat but to show him you aren't necessarily always going to be there.. just like a sign..that there is a possibility you can leave.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sounds like me and your are almost in the same boat except for the fact that I’m married . I’m also 23 and have been living in a sexless marriage for the past year maybe longer I’ve lost count .

 

Seems like to me your boyfriend addiction to porn is the issue . My husband doesn’t watch porn not that I know of but he does say the same things your boyfriend does that he WANTS to have sex with me but never follows thru

 

Is your boyfriend dealing with a lot of stress ? that could be an issue too causing him not to be able to become erect . This is what my husband blamed our intimacy /sex issue on .

 

I truly understand what your going thru and understand how hurt you are. I know it may seem like your nagging him but if your not seeing changes voice your concerns until he sees how much his actions are hurting you

 

If he loves you he will change

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