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Thread: My husband and I canít come to an agreement on what in inappropriate in our marriage.

  1. #31
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    OP, when you add everything together, between this thread and your previous threads, I think it would be fair to say there are a LOT of issues in your marriage, including him not trying in the bedroom. It is not only the issues stated in this thread, but a whole bunch of things and for only being married for a few months, it begs the question, did you not see ANY of this before you married him? Were there no signs at all? Of anything? It seems there were so many red flags and warning signs but you still went ahead and married him anyway. I don't understand it at all.

    I can only strongly suggest marriage counselling if you want this marriage to survive because the way it stands right now, I highly doubt this will be a long lasting, happy, healthy or successful marriage.

  2. #32
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    I know that much of what people are saying to you makes you feel judged for your decisions. But what the folks here are doing is trying to help you.

    As an outsider to your troubles, it appears to me that you seem to believe that you know of all the lying your guy does. But I think he hides much more than yo have discovered or that he has admitted to.

    That whole episode of not wanting to be nearby when your father was ill is troubling. Saying he a working on a house with his brother, turns into going to a hunting club? and not even saying that either directly to you. I would question if there is something else going on. The hunting club sounds like a convenient catch-all excuse for "I'm doing things you won't like."

    And an addict telling you he wants to do more drugs, then denying he said it? This alone would have me tossing such a person out.

    You can love someone who is like that, but you are risking your own health and exposing yourself to potential danger, financial issues, theft, and legal trouble with someone who is using drugs. If he is injecting drugs you are at risk of contracting HIV if intimate with him.

    I wish you the best and hope you figure this out.

    But if it were me?

    I'd be walking out the door.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately lies are like coach roaches. You may see some but there are plenty more hidden still. Do you think this approval is an opportunity for "while the cat's away the mice will play"?
    Originally Posted by SaraJane99
    he said ďgo have fun, get drunk with the girls and party, I trust you so Iím not worried about itĒ. That made me feel like complete crap because I do care about what he does.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    Well I understand why you are trying to direct his behavior. It makes perfect sense to me.

    The issue is that what you are doing is pointless. You can't control another as much as you would like to think you can.

    You are obviously aware where this road of attempting to control him is going to lead.

    It seems like you are just in a corner and see no way out other than trying to control him. The issue is that it will just backfire. One or both of you becoming resentful is very likely.

    Plus if he wants to do these things he will, he just will cover it up better.

    Sorry but if he can't\won't see the issue and continues to disregard and disrespect you then I see no other choice than divorse.

    You can't do anything to fix a relationship with only half participation.

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  6. #35
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    Here is what i am seeing - i think you thought if you were a faithful, good wife who loved her husband that you would get the same love, respect, etc from him and that is not working. I think that the reason why try to steer him is you are afraid to let go because if you do, you know he will hang with his own rope and that will mean that you may have to end the marriage and that's what you don't want to do. You want to hang on at all costs.

    I think its easy for me to say "you knew he was an addict, so you knew what you were getting" but maybe you a bit naive or hopeful. He said 'all the right things" by telling you he wanted to get away from people who were associated with drugs - hence maybe moving away - but it was all just talk. He is not making new friends who shoot hoops with him or hunt or a business mentor or whatever he likes to talk about - he is going back to party with the old crowd.

    I highly suggest that you set a boundary. Do not nag him. Just state "you can do as you please. i won't nag you, but if you take a drug or cheat, our marriage is over."

    I don't take divorce lightly and i don't think you should threaten something just to threaten it (and you would say this calmly anyhow), but this man just doesn't care.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I hate to project my own past experiences onto your situation, but I too would be concerned that if I went on the girls trip it would be used against me as well.
    Because by the looks of things. .there is a good chance of it.

    You need to get back bone, Girl! Pronto!

    You can go on this trip and he can do his own thing. But you need to be assertive and confident when it comes to negotiating boundaries with him.
    And, he might very well disappoint you. But keeping yourself both locked up isn't the answer. Someone is eventually going to break out.

    Making this about your paranoia and him having no consequences for breaking your trust makes you a lion with no teeth.

    I find it interesting it was only half way through before you gave us the entire picture. Because if you protect him and make this more about you, then that's
    really the only thing you have control over. You can continue to attack this at different angles and turn yourself into a pretzel but it isn't going to change him and what he
    does or how he handles. . himself.

    And if you are dealing with someone who will twist boundaries to his benefit, become slippery and hide the truth from you, have a much larger problem on your hands.
    Trying to stop him from going is futile. It doesn't change who he is, he just becomes better at learning how to work around you and lie.

    I vote for counseling. . .
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 01-12-2018 at 04:39 PM.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SaraJane99
    Not long after our conversation about the joint parties, I find he is planning a bachelor party behind my back in Vegas and when I asked him about what we talked about, he said his brother was planning it so it was out of his control and his brother was not thrilled of the joint parties ideas.
    After arguing about this because I felt he lied to me about being on the same page regarding the issue, he then proceeded to tell me he just wanted one last night out with the guys to DO DRUGS and go to the club and party! Considering we have never done drugs in our relationship, I was really upset he would even tell me this thinking I wouldnít care. Now I donít know his friends well, but during this time his best friend was also planning a wedding the same week as ours and also planning a bachelor party in the Key West. Once again I had to FIND OUT about this one because his friend was blowing his phone up one morning while I was still in bed and he was in the shower.
    Not cool that he went behind your back to plan these things.

    Originally Posted by SaraJane99
    I still stand in my beliefs that itís a very bad situation for a married person to put themselves in a drunken/high situation at a club or strip club.
    That's called common sense.

    Originally Posted by SaraJane99
    Well he completely blind sided me and then told me he honestly doesnít care what I do. If I want to go party with the girls on the beach he isnít worried about it.
    Of course he's not. Women don't generally hire hookers for their bachelorette parties.

  9. #38
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    You made clear your view on things. Your husband was trying to go behind your bad and do things that he knew would make you mad or even break your marriage up.

    It sounds like he was putting a alcohol drug fueled weekend in front of you. No one would have known who fíed who when or how many times. He was trying to do this with out you finding out. He is not the man your father is. Your husband doesnít love or respect you you like your father does your mom.

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