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Thread: My husband and I canít come to an agreement on what in inappropriate in our marriage.

  1. #21
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    I would not be comfortable with a potential spouse needing to take drugs and do god knows what else in vegas before "settling down".

    That would indicate to me that if they have an itch they will find a way to get it scratched.

  2. #22
    Member SaraJane99's Avatar
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    He was honest with me when we were dating that in his home town he was addicted to opiates and he even told me he didnít want to associate himself with anyone who was addicted to them for fear of them making him slip. I didnít judge him for his past and since we have been together he has never done drugs.

    I tried to make him understand why I was so uncomfortable with the parties was because he flat out told me he wanted to do molly and go to the club one last time with his friends. But when I bring it up now he completely denies ever saying that, in fact he denies every single thing that was said by him or his friend that led me to worry about the trip. Like heís insinuating Iím crazy or misunderstood them.

    Now Iím not putting all the blame on him, I know I have got some serious trust issues that I have been trying to work on. Hence why I want to tell him I think he needs to plan a guys trip back home so he can see I do want him to have a life outside of me and I do trust him. Itís just putting himself into situations where he is to messed up that something bad could happen is what Iím not comfortable with. And honestly I donít think Iím being that unreasonable!

    At this point since we got married I have met all his friends and for the most part since Iíve gotten to know all of them, Iím not as worried about it as I was (most have grown up and have a family) I just do not agree partying with drugs and naked women is a good idea or respectful and I worry if I do go on this trip then I become a hypocrite and he will take that as his opportunity to go on a trip in the future that he would know I would not be okay with.

    Iím just confused and if some of you think Iím a B* for caring what my husband does, then I guess thatís your opinion. I would give anything in the world to just not care about what he does at all, trust me I would love to feel so care free!!!! But unfortunately I guess thatís a personality flaw I have and I am trying to work on.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like he trusts you but you don't trust him. It also sounds like you want to keep him on a tight leash and he is treating you as an adult who can make her own good choices. Once you enter a parent-child dynamic like this, the attraction, respect and love soon fade. Go if you want to.
    I totally agree. Also, it all boils down to jealousy/trust issues. I think you need to get those sorted out first.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by SaraJane99
    He was honest with me when we were dating that in his home town he was addicted to opiates and he even told me he didnít want to associate himself with anyone who was addicted to them for fear of them making him slip. I didnít judge him for his past and since we have been together he has never done drugs.

    I tried to make him understand why I was so uncomfortable with the parties was because he flat out told me he wanted to do molly and go to the club one last time with his friends. But when I bring it up now he completely denies ever saying that, in fact he denies every single thing that was said by him or his friend that led me to worry about the trip. Like heís insinuating Iím crazy or misunderstood them.

    Now Iím not putting all the blame on him, I know I have got some serious trust issues that I have been trying to work on. Hence why I want to tell him I think he needs to plan a guys trip back home so he can see I do want him to have a life outside of me and I do trust him. Itís just putting himself into situations where he is to messed up that something bad could happen is what Iím not comfortable with. And honestly I donít think Iím being that unreasonable!

    At this point since we got married I have met all his friends and for the most part since Iíve gotten to know all of them, Iím not as worried about it as I was (most have grown up and have a family) I just do not agree partying with drugs and naked women is a good idea or respectful and I worry if I do go on this trip then I become a hypocrite and he will take that as his opportunity to go on a trip in the future that he would know I would not be okay with.

    Iím just confused and if some of you think Iím a B* for caring what my husband does, then I guess thatís your opinion. I would give anything in the world to just not care about what he does at all, trust me I would love to feel so care free!!!! But unfortunately I guess thatís a personality flaw I have and I am trying to work on.
    I don't think you're unreasonable expecting him not to go to parties where he's going to do drugs when he was an addict. And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that your husband's not going to nudie parties. I just don't get the point of bachelor and bachelorette parties like that in the least . And then lies about the fact that he said he was .

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SaraJane99
    I tried to make him understand why I was so uncomfortable with the parties was because he flat out told me he wanted to do molly and go to the club one last time with his friends. But when I bring it up now he completely denies ever saying that, in fact he denies every single thing that was said by him or his friend that led me to worry about the trip. Like heís insinuating Iím crazy or misunderstood them.
    Take the drugs and strippers out of the equation.
    Does he typically say one thing and then deny it? Does he typically put you in a situation where you feel like he's flipped the script and made you out to be the bad guy?
    Because if so what you have here is gaslighting.
    The strippers and drugs are secondary or a symptom of a larger issue. Try to not get stuck on semantics and look at the bigger picture.
    That in itself is an issue. (IF this is the case) And when someone uses this type of tactic on you during conflicts, it's understandable to not trust them and it doesn't mean you have trust issues.

    If it's reassurance you are after, by him contradicting himself about the whole incident creates a problem. Party or no party.

  7. #26
    Member SaraJane99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I don't think you're unreasonable expecting him not to go to parties where he's going to do drugs when he was an addict. And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that your husband's not going to nudie parties. I just don't get the point of bachelor and bachelorette parties like that in the least . And then lies about the fact that he said he was .
    He has done that before but not to frequently. Maybe the year leading up to our marriage is when he started to gradually become dishonest about things. And yea itís not just him planning those things on the trip that caused me to loose trust. I also have caught him in a few lies. Most small lies but there was one lie he told me a year and half ago that I still have trouble getting over. Long story short my Dad and step mom were in a terrible motorcycle accident and my Dad was in ICU. My step Mom was released from the hospital but I was having to take off work to stay and take care of her all while driving back and forth to the hospital to get my 5 mins of visiting time with my Dad. At the time hunting season had just started and he had a hunting club he spent a lot of time at that was a 2 hr drive from home. The day after the accident I knew he had been planning to go up there and I asked him to please stay in town just in case my Dad took a turn for the worst, and also because I wanted him to be there for me. He looked me in the eye that morning and told me he was going to help his brother with a house project that day but would be in town in case I needed him. After he left his Mom let it slip that him and his brother actually did leave that morning to go hunting. I talked to him several times that day asking how the ďhouse projectĒ was going and telling him how hard it was dealing with all this, I was trying to give him the opportunity to fess up, but he never did. He just lied to me all day knowing what a hard time I was going through with my family. He apologized over and over again once I confronted him and promised he would never lie to me again. But since then, that and all the other little things have made me feel he does love me but doesnít care about making me a priority when it matters.

    I wasnít planning to add all that to this thread, but I guess to defend myself a little, that is most of the reason I have developed trust issues with him. I just didnít plan to add those facts because I donít want people judging me for staying with someone who treats me this way. Like I said, the lying isnít very frequent, and most of the time he is an amazing husband who does a great job of caring for me. I just suppose Iíve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his. Hence why I worry if I go on the trip he will take that as his free pass to go do something in the future that he knows I wonít be comfortable with.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SaraJane99


    I wasnít planning to add all that to this thread, but I guess to defend myself a little, that is most of the reason I have developed trust issues with him. I just didnít plan to add those facts because I donít want people judging me for staying with someone who treats me this way. Like I said, the lying isnít very frequent, and most of the time he is an amazing husband who does a great job of caring for me. I just suppose Iíve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his. Hence why I worry if I go on the trip he will take that as his free pass to go do something in the future that he knows I wonít be comfortable with.
    These are important details and it does change things somewhat.

    I just suppose Iíve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his.

    My ex h was very much like this. He would twist the truth for his benefit. I too overlooked it because the issues he told `lil white lies' about didn't
    seem significant and overall he was good to me. (or at least he was)
    But these things do add up and you do start to feel like you are walking on shaky ground.
    And when you feel insecure you tell yourself that maybe you are just paranoid, after all, for the most part, he's such a great guy.

    But the problem with this is when it matters the most, such as the issue you brought up, you can't trust him.
    Liars. . even the type like your husband don't really discriminate.

    "Oh, he only lies about little things. Not big things" <-I'm sorry. It just doesn't work that way.

    He has the propensity to lie to you. Period. Trust is earned and easily lost.

    As I write this and you are mentioning his patterns seem to be lying about his whereabouts. Is just limited to this particular subject or things in general?
    Because this pattern coupled with you admitted insecurities seem to be a vicious cycle between the two of you that you both seem to contribute to.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 01-11-2018 at 07:49 PM.

  9. #28
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    I think her insecurities are warranted because he keeps lying.

    You have every right to be concerned and draw a line in the sand about drug use and potential drug use. he's an addict. maybe at the point you met him he had been in some form of recovery - but apparently his desire to use and use it in this context is still there. You did draw a line in the sand - sort of - you suggested the wedding be postponed but you married him anyways. Addicts do learn the lying thing down pat.



    He just lied to me all day knowing what a hard time I was going through with my family. H


    That's really low for him to flat out lie to you about something like that. Its one thing if he said "you know, i am going anyways. Call me if anything changes and i will come". You could be mad at him for going - but at least he wouldn't have been lying.

    Would he be open to any form of counseling to address why he feels he has to lie on the big things? I don't see this marriage surviving without it -- or you will just have a terribly codependent one where you decide to be the wife of the addict where you mop up after all his messes and dont care about what he does.

  10. #29
    Member SaraJane99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    These are important details and it does change things somewhat.

    I just suppose Iíve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his.

    My ex h was very much like this. He would twist the truth for his benefit. I too overlooked it because the issues he told `lil white lies' about didn't
    seem significant and overall he was good to me. (or at least he was)
    But these things do add up and you do start to feel like you are walking on shaky ground.
    And when you feel insecure you tell yourself that maybe you are just paranoid, after all, for the most part, he's such a great guy.

    But the problem with this is when it matters the most, such as the issue you brought up, you can't trust him.
    Liars. . even the type like your husband don't really discriminate.

    "Oh, he only lies about little things. Not big things" <-I'm sorry. It just doesn't work that way.

    He has the propensity to lie to you. Period. Trust is earned and easily lost.

    As I write this and you are mentioning his patterns seem to be lying about his whereabouts. Is just limited to this particular subject or things in general?
    Because this pattern coupled with you admitted insecurities seem to be a vicious cycle between the two of you that you both seem to contribute to.
    Typically the only lies heís told has involved his length of time he tells me he will spend at the hunting club. Like telling me he will come home to help me with something but something ALWAYS comes up preventing him from doing what he said he would. However, I know he never intended to come back when he told me he did. Other than that itís been about the things I already mentioned.

    He once cared about what I did or where I went, not in a controlling way, he just cared in general. So when he told me he really doesnít care if I go on this bachelorette trip, and he said ďgo have fun, get drunk with the girls and party, I trust you so Iím not worried about itĒ. That made me feel like complete crap because I do care about what he does.

    I want so bad to talk to him about our boundaries in this marriage but itís very difficult to bring up my trust issues with him because he now gets incredibly defensive if I mention it. I know he wants me to forgive him and stop bringing it up. And I havenít mentioned it in a very long time. Only unless he tells me heís going to do something and I brush it off because I know heís full of it, he will then force me to tell him why I donít believe him and when I tell him why he gets very upset with me.

    So how should I approach this issue? We really need to talk because I need to know how itís really going to effect our relationship if I go on this trip. I need to know I can truly trust that he is fine with me going and wonít try to take advantage of the situation in some way by going somewhere or doing something that will upset me. I donít want either of us to be open to putting ourselves in situations that we get to drunk, etc. making it easy for something to go wrong where we unintentionally hurt the other.
    How do I bring this conversation up to him? How can I know heís not going to just tell me what I want to hear or get annoyed with me for even bringing it up?

    Or better yet, how can I just make myself stop caring so much. At this point I just wish I could check out emotionally.

  11. #30
    Member SaraJane99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I think her insecurities are warranted because he keeps lying.

    You have every right to be concerned and draw a line in the sand about drug use and potential drug use. he's an addict. maybe at the point you met him he had been in some form of recovery - but apparently his desire to use and use it in this context is still there. You did draw a line in the sand - sort of - you suggested the wedding be postponed but you married him anyways. Addicts do learn the lying thing down pat.



    He just lied to me all day knowing what a hard time I was going through with my family. H


    That's really low for him to flat out lie to you about something like that. Its one thing if he said "you know, i am going anyways. Call me if anything changes and i will come". You could be mad at him for going - but at least he wouldn't have been lying.

    Would he be open to any form of counseling to address why he feels he has to lie on the big things? I don't see this marriage surviving without it -- or you will just have a terribly codependent one where you decide to be the wife of the addict where you mop up after all his messes and dont care about what he does.
    We went to premarital counseling not long after the big lie took place. But the counselor only told him what he did was wrong bc I had already lost someone I love. The lying wasnít even addressed. She then told us we both have different personalities and when I say something I mean that is what I will do. And then told me that with him saying he will do something, he really isnít flat out saying he will, he is saying probably. Which I thought was such crap. Then she proceeded to tell me I am a control freak and I needed to learn to relax.

    At this point I havenít tried telling him how unhappy I am in a very long time, because nothing ever changes plus I donít want him making me feel like a nag. So Iím sure heíd be kinda blind sided if I told him out of the blue that I think we needed to go back to counseling and try someone else.

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