My husband and I can’t come to an agreement on what in inappropriate in our marriage.

So recently I have been put into a position where I feel like I have become the self conscious and controlling wife, which I hate!

I grew up in a very conservative family and though I disagreed with some of the things my parents did, one thing I always admired was their love and respect for each other. My Dad was the typical wild boy who drank and may have even done drugs from what I’ve heard and my Mother was the straight laced girl who never took a sip of alcohol in her life. Despite their differences my Dad loved her unconditionally and completely straighten himself up for her and growing up I can’t think of a single time my Dad did anything to disrespect my Mom

That being said, I have always strived to be in a marriage like that. I know they are far in few, but after several failed relationships due to past BF’s cheating or me finding out about very inappropriate things that went down with other women when they were out of town, it caused me to have 0 tolerance for that in future relationships. So I made a pact with myself to never put up with a man treating me that way again.

Fast forward to my marriage now, I am with a loving and affectionate husband who I would never dream of disrespecting or doing something that could potentially hurt him. However, one of the few things we have never came to agreement on even before we became engaged was how society has made bachelor and bachelorette parties an acceptable way to cheat on your significant other before tying the knot. And I told him how I felt about this before he proposed (because I knew it was coming) and I wanted to make sure he knew that’s where I stand before asking me to marry him.

At the time he agreed and acted as if he understood. After he proposed we talked about doing a joint bachelor/bachelorette party out of town. Since I hadn’t met his friends before (he moved up here and all of his friends were still back in his home town) I thought it would be fun opportunity to get to know them and we could have a fun night partying together, and he agreed! Not long after our conversation about the joint parties, I find he is planning a bachelor party behind my back in Vegas and when I asked him about what we talked about, he said his brother was planning it so it was out of his control and his brother was not thrilled of the joint parties ideas.

After arguing about this because I felt he lied to me about being on the same page regarding the issue, he then proceeded to tell me he just wanted one last night out with the guys to DO DRUGS and go to the club and party! Considering we have never done drugs in our relationship, I was really upset he would even tell me this thinking I wouldn’t care. Now I don’t know his friends well, but during this time his best friend was also planning a wedding the same week as ours and also planning a bachelor party in the Key West. Once again I had to FIND OUT about this one because his friend was blowing his phone up one morning while I was still in bed and he was in the shower. All I see is texts coming through about booking his plane ticket, what day he would be coming down, how there were going to be raunchy parties all weekend and he should just expect to stay high the entire time. This party was supposed to be taking place in a matter of weeks and I had heard nothing about it.

Finally I broke down and became the girl I never wanted to be and told him we should just postpone the wedding so he could get his needed partying out before settling down. He didn’t want that, so I told him I wasn’t comfortable with these plans he had been making and at this point I wasn’t sure if I could marry him if he went on these trips . I was clear long before he proposed that my outlook on those types of parties were very unacceptable for people about to get married. Also I said this because about 90% of my good friends cheated on their spouses on their bachelor/bachelorette trips because they got entirely to messed up.

I grew up being taught that you just don’t put yourself in situations where it’s easy to screw up by getting to drunk or high on drugs.

However, I tried telling him I still wanted him to see his friends and if he wanted a little less of a hardcore party weekend with the guys I was fine with that m. But instead he just canceled his bachelor party and didn’t go on his friends. It was like if titty bars, clubs and drugs couldn’t be apart of his weekend, then he just didn’t want to have it.

Now let me say I am about to turn 30 and my husband is 31. So going out of town and partying hard really doesn’t interest me like it used to. However, I have just been asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding and the bachelorette party planning began as soon as she asked me to be in the wedding. When I first mentioned it to my husband, he shot it down and acted almost resentful that I brought it up. I told him I had no intention of going since he gave up his bachelor party for me and I understood we had a mutual agreement in our marriage that participating in that wouldn’t be appropriate in our marriage.

Well he completely blind sided me and then told me he honestly doesn’t care what I do. If I want to go party with the girls on the beach he isn’t worried about it. That definitely was not the response I expected. And when I asked him if he ever understood where I was coming from in the past about why I put my foot down on the parties he was planning, he completely denied all of it and said I remembered it wrong. And might I add one more time, I told him BEFORE HE PROPOSED where I stood on bachelor parties. So wether anyone thinks I’m unreasonable or controlling, I did express my feelings on the matter before he we ever made that big step.

Now I don’t know what to do. I still stand in my beliefs that it’s a very bad situation for a married person to put themselves in a drunken/high situation at a club or strip club.

I have thought of telling him I’m not going even though he doesn’t care because I don’t want our marriage to be possibly jeopardized by us getting to messed up out of town (at least I can be honest with myself, I know I’ll be pressured to get entirely to drunk on this trip). But I also thought of telling him I WANT him to plan a guys trip sometime soon. So maybe I can prove to him that I do trust him and I’m not controlling. I just want him to understand the bachelor party plans he’s made did not settle well with me in the past.

Any thoughts? And please please don’t judge me for disagreeing with bachelor parties, I know many people have different views on the subject. I also based my decision off of how my husband has acted drunk in front of me in the past and he is a very different person. So it’s difficult for a girl to not worry at all when she knows how messed up her man acts when he’s to drunk and also doesn’t know the any of his friends he is out of town with.

Any thoughts? Go on the trip or no? If I don’t go I really do want him to plan a guys trip so he doesn’t think I’m just clingy.

It sounds like he trusts you but you don't trust him. It also sounds like you want to keep him on a tight leash and he is treating you as an adult who can make her own good choices. Once you enter a parent-child dynamic like this, the attraction, respect and love soon fade. Go if you want to.

Well he completely blind sided me and then told me he honestly doesn’t care what I do. If I want to go party with the girls on the beach he isn’t worried about it.

So wether anyone thinks I’m unreasonable or controlling, I did express my feelings on the matter before he we ever made that big step.

It is important to acknowledge that you are different people, and that differences will arise, and they will remain. Expressing your disregard for a behavior does not mean he is required to change his behavior.

Decide your own choices based on what's right for you and your friendships and your values.

I personally don't see the issue with you going to this bachelorette party, and your husband doesn't either as he apparently trusts you. You don't have the same views on the matter of these parties, so I am not sure why his nonchalant reaction surprises you.

But you need to consider whether you're comfortable going, given that you will you then be operating on a double-standard. It's up to you if you're going to proceed. If you go, keep that in mind the next time he's invited to a bachelor party.

Well, bachelor parties are a male bonding experience and you're basically emasculating your husband by not letting him go. No matter what you say about how you feel about this and that, and how you told him you're against bachelor parties, you should let him have some times with the lads. Also, if there is any sex going on, it's usually for the soon-to-be groom, and most of the time it's just about getting drunk and nostalgic. And if you want to go to the bachelorette party, then you can blow off some steam too.

You've written before about how anxious and nervous you've been when your husband goes off on hunting trips. I think you're imagining all the bad things that can happen and you're not considering the good things like bonding with friends. Even Mr. Spock on Star Trek had to go crazy every 7 years to maintain his composure the rest of the time. Just let him go have fun and don't ask questions. Sometimes these little escapades can help a marriage too.

I have nothing against bachelor/bachelorette parties, but only as long as they stay within some limits of the common sense. When they start to include drugs and sex, they are no longer within those limits, and this seems to be the case in your husband's situation. So, I totally agree with you, I see no reason why anyone would be happy knowing that their significant other was "partying" in such environments, trust or no trust. Whatever happened to good old having fun, bonding with your peers over stuff OTHER THAN drugs and nudity? Surely there must be other ways to have fun with friends...

So no, I don't think you were wrong voicing your disapproval with the plans they had made, as they were. Especially since he knew your stance on those type of parties way in advance.

Now as to what to do for your own bachelorette party, I'm not sure what to say...just do whatever you feel is right, so you don't end up feeling guilty. Personally I probably wouldn't go, just to be fair to him, but since he seems to have no issue with you going, then it's up to you and the way you feel.

What tends to happen when we forbid people to do things, they tend to do those things and not tell us. Also, while some people think that having a last hurrah before tying the knot, it is not as common as you think, and you will find that people willing to do that have little respect for their soon to be ball and chain.

Reading your post made me wonder about these agreements that you made with your husband. I have been in a relationship that followed a similar trail, where I agreed with her about something she believed in because if I didn't I knew it would end up in an argument that would never be resolved. It's a difficult situation where you love this other person, but you don't necessarily believe in this one thing based on something that happened in her life before you were even around. That she doesn't trust you because someone else could not be trusted before you.

I'm certain that your dad is now a wonderful man and you have this lovely impression of him and how your parent's relationship is in terms of being respectful to each other. The respect part is great and a great example. What is not great and what is a terrible example is this idea that a wild bad boy can turn into this respectful man your father has become. If it's true, then he is an extraordinary exception. Given your personal dating history, sounds like you've romanticized this idea and taken it too far - dating sh$tty men and hoping they'll change. You should never ever enter any relationship expecting a person to change.

Regarding your fiance.....I really have to ask just how well do you actually know him? Did you know he will do drugs? Did you know what his friends are into? You say that you've never even met any of his friends. Problem is that our friends are the greatest and most accurate reflection of who we are. His friend is blowing up his phone about drugs, partying, etc., etc.? That's who your fiance is too and you shouldn't expect him to change for you. I will also echo the other poster who pointed out that these supposedly wild parties where people are cheating are actually rare and speak more to the lack of respect the person about to get married has toward their soon to be spouse. If you see marriage as this ball and chain.....it's already doomed to failure. Most people are getting married because they want to and they wouldn't dream of doing something during those parties that would pretty much destroy their relationship.

I'm certain that your dad is now a wonderful man and you have this lovely impression of him and how your parent's relationship is in terms of being respectful to each other. The respect part is great and a great example. What is not great and what is a terrible example is this idea that a wild bad boy can turn into this respectful man your father has become. If it's true, then he is an extraordinary exception. Given your personal dating history, sounds like you've romanticized this idea and taken it too far - dating sh$tty men and hoping they'll change. You should never ever enter any relationship expecting a person to change.

 

Regarding your fiance.....I really have to ask just how well do you actually know him? Did you know he will do drugs? Did you know what his friends are into? You say that you've never even met any of his friends. Problem is that our friends are the greatest and most accurate reflection of who we are. His friend is blowing up his phone about drugs, partying, etc., etc.? That's who your fiance is too and you shouldn't expect him to change for you. I will also echo the other poster who pointed out that these supposedly wild parties where people are cheating are actually rare and speak more to the lack of respect the person about to get married has toward their soon to be spouse. If you see marriage as this ball and chain.....it's already doomed to failure. Most people are getting married because they want to and they wouldn't dream of doing something during those parties that would pretty much destroy their relationship.

Well put and I agree.

I am so tired of hearing that it's ok for someone who's about to get married to interact with strippers and/or do drugs at a bachelor party as some sort of last hurrah. Please. Obviously celebrations/parties are fine but I wouldn't be comfortable with the justification -silly -of "one last night of freedom" -I know I am an outlier on this but in this situation he's taken it too far as far as your values. Others might be fine with it. And the "I can't control /I'm not planning it" is silly too.

How does a clean, honorable man become the opposite of that in just a few hours?

He doesn't.

How does a druggie/cheater change back in a matter of hours?

He can't.

I think you married ? someone you don’t really know. My guess is he is a party harty guy and hid it long enough to rope you in. Personally , I think 31 is a little old for that crap . I would reconsider that relationship .

Well, let's say a husband is okay with porn, but the wife isn't. If the wife suddenly says she wants to look at porn, the husband SHOULDN'T have a problem with it unless he's looking to be vindictive of her prior disapproval. That's kind of how I view this situation. He is nonchalant because he doesn't think its a big deal... you do (or did). There can't be double standards though. I wouldn't go to this bachelorette party after the flak you gave him about these types of things, but you don't need to make a conversation out of it. He's just going to see that as virtue signaling about something he doesn't care about. Just don't go, and drop it.

For me the most bizarre thing is that he wants to do drugs. At this age you don't experiment with drugs. Probably he has been doing drugs for a long time but you seem oblivious of this fact!

For me the most bizarre thing is that he wants to do drugs. At this age you don't experiment with drugs. Probably he has been doing drugs for a long time but you seem oblivious of this fact!

Absolutely. At 31 you don't just say hey let's try out drugs. It has been happening all along .

I am confused...so you want your husband to not trust you?

And you are saying everytime you go to a party with girls and there is booze or drugs involved, your pants drop at every dude?

Your husband trusts you, and I sure he knows and you know that you can keep your pants on no matter what situation occurs. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you are happily married, and feel secure, attending a party will not shake it or blow up your marriage. I have been to countless of crazy parties, and whether I'm attached or not, getting booty only happens if I choose to.

You are now in your 30's - stop taking out your baggage onto your husband. By telling him how he may not handle himself at "parties" you are implying he has no self-control or respect for you. Don't sabotage your relationship like this. A lot of dudes do not like strip clubs, but will go because it's a friend's rite of passage to goggle some women even if they don't want to. Strip clubs do not cause cheating.

Cheaters cheat because they want to cheat. It has nothing to do with opportunity or boobs in your face. Repeat, cheaters cheat because they want to.

And in my 30's, I think I've done drugs maybe 3x in the past decade, so yeah, sometimes, it's a once in a blue moon hurrah to do drugs, and not a regular occurrence.

I agree with how you handled the bachelor parties, OP. My husband and I did something similar, we agreed no strippers for either of us. However, his best man happened to be my brother, and his groomsmen were my friends as well, so even if he'd tried to do something stupid, they would've stopped him. I find it concerning that you're married and still don't know his friends.

As far as the bachelorette party, talk with the other ladies and see what they'd like to plan. A girls weekend in Nashville filled with line dancing and mechanical bull riding would be one thing, a girls trip to sin city with BJ lessons and lap dances would be something else entirely. If the other ladies (and the bride) prefer a more relaxed party, you should go. The bride will expect you to go. If they are all about getting drunk and wild, you 100% should not even consider going. Hopefully, if the bride is also right around 30, she won't be interested in a wild night either.

After arguing about this because I felt he lied to me about being on the same page regarding the issue, he then proceeded to tell me he just wanted one last night out with the guys to DO DRUGS and go to the club and party! C

I would have dumped him and not gotten married. Drugs are a dealbreaker for me. Now, you married a man knowing he goes wild with his friends -- so therefore you now accepted it.

I know I’ll be pressured to get entirely to drunk on this trip). B

and you know that you don't have to have a sip, right?

Your husband trusts you,

there is a difference between trusting someone and "not giving a darn what you do!"

I can only speak for myself.

I can be put in the raunchiest situations and fueled with alcohol but I will still not cross the line and do something I do not want to do or something that my man would disapprove of.

I would choose my partner carefully and trust that they would do the same.

It's a testimony to your commitment that he can go to places where this is temptation and not feel the need and still come home to you.

After all you can't keep someone on the driveway forever.

I can't help but wonder that he's approving of you going to somehow `lead by example'

And if you are adamant about these things then I am not sure why you are even considering going anyway.

I can only speak for myself.

I can be put in the raunchiest situations and fueled with alcohol but I will still not cross the line and do something I do not want to do or something that my man would disapprove of.

I would choose my partner carefully and trust that they would do the same.

 

It's a testimony to your commitment that he can go to places where this is temptation and not feel the need and still come home to you.

After all you can't keep someone on the driveway forever.

 

 

I can't help but wonder that he's approving of you going to somehow `lead by example'

And if you are adamant about these things then I am not sure why you are even considering going anyway.

I don't care how crazily inebriated I am on drugs or alcohol, I am not going to cheat on my wife. And I have been there before.

Thinking with that kind of logic is just trying to ignore the fact that there is systemic issues in a relationship that actually cause the cheating, the drugs and alcohol just gave them the excuse they wanted.

I would not be comfortable with a potential spouse needing to take drugs and do god knows what else in vegas before "settling down".

That would indicate to me that if they have an itch they will find a way to get it scratched.

He was honest with me when we were dating that in his home town he was addicted to opiates and he even told me he didn’t want to associate himself with anyone who was addicted to them for fear of them making him slip. I didn’t judge him for his past and since we have been together he has never done drugs.

I tried to make him understand why I was so uncomfortable with the parties was because he flat out told me he wanted to do molly and go to the club one last time with his friends. But when I bring it up now he completely denies ever saying that, in fact he denies every single thing that was said by him or his friend that led me to worry about the trip. Like he’s insinuating I’m crazy or misunderstood them.

Now I’m not putting all the blame on him, I know I have got some serious trust issues that I have been trying to work on. Hence why I want to tell him I think he needs to plan a guys trip back home so he can see I do want him to have a life outside of me and I do trust him. It’s just putting himself into situations where he is to messed up that something bad could happen is what I’m not comfortable with. And honestly I don’t think I’m being that unreasonable!

At this point since we got married I have met all his friends and for the most part since I’ve gotten to know all of them, I’m not as worried about it as I was (most have grown up and have a family) I just do not agree partying with drugs and naked women is a good idea or respectful and I worry if I do go on this trip then I become a hypocrite and he will take that as his opportunity to go on a trip in the future that he would know I would not be okay with.

I’m just confused and if some of you think I’m a B* for caring what my husband does, then I guess that’s your opinion. I would give anything in the world to just not care about what he does at all, trust me I would love to feel so care free!!!! But unfortunately I guess that’s a personality flaw I have and I am trying to work on.

It sounds like he trusts you but you don't trust him. It also sounds like you want to keep him on a tight leash and he is treating you as an adult who can make her own good choices. Once you enter a parent-child dynamic like this, the attraction, respect and love soon fade. Go if you want to.

I totally agree. Also, it all boils down to jealousy/trust issues. I think you need to get those sorted out first.

He was honest with me when we were dating that in his home town he was addicted to opiates and he even told me he didn’t want to associate himself with anyone who was addicted to them for fear of them making him slip. I didn’t judge him for his past and since we have been together he has never done drugs.

 

I tried to make him understand why I was so uncomfortable with the parties was because he flat out told me he wanted to do molly and go to the club one last time with his friends. But when I bring it up now he completely denies ever saying that, in fact he denies every single thing that was said by him or his friend that led me to worry about the trip. Like he’s insinuating I’m crazy or misunderstood them.

 

Now I’m not putting all the blame on him, I know I have got some serious trust issues that I have been trying to work on. Hence why I want to tell him I think he needs to plan a guys trip back home so he can see I do want him to have a life outside of me and I do trust him. It’s just putting himself into situations where he is to messed up that something bad could happen is what I’m not comfortable with. And honestly I don’t think I’m being that unreasonable!

 

At this point since we got married I have met all his friends and for the most part since I’ve gotten to know all of them, I’m not as worried about it as I was (most have grown up and have a family) I just do not agree partying with drugs and naked women is a good idea or respectful and I worry if I do go on this trip then I become a hypocrite and he will take that as his opportunity to go on a trip in the future that he would know I would not be okay with.

 

I’m just confused and if some of you think I’m a B* for caring what my husband does, then I guess that’s your opinion. I would give anything in the world to just not care about what he does at all, trust me I would love to feel so care free!!!! But unfortunately I guess that’s a personality flaw I have and I am trying to work on.

I don't think you're unreasonable expecting him not to go to parties where he's going to do drugs when he was an addict. And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that your husband's not going to nudie parties. I just don't get the point of bachelor and bachelorette parties like that in the least . And then lies about the fact that he said he was .

I tried to make him understand why I was so uncomfortable with the parties was because he flat out told me he wanted to do molly and go to the club one last time with his friends. But when I bring it up now he completely denies ever saying that, in fact he denies every single thing that was said by him or his friend that led me to worry about the trip. Like he’s insinuating I’m crazy or misunderstood them.

 

Take the drugs and strippers out of the equation.

Does he typically say one thing and then deny it? Does he typically put you in a situation where you feel like he's flipped the script and made you out to be the bad guy?

Because if so what you have here is gaslighting.

The strippers and drugs are secondary or a symptom of a larger issue. Try to not get stuck on semantics and look at the bigger picture.

That in itself is an issue. (IF this is the case) And when someone uses this type of tactic on you during conflicts, it's understandable to not trust them and it doesn't mean you have trust issues.

If it's reassurance you are after, by him contradicting himself about the whole incident creates a problem. Party or no party.