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Thread: Boyfriend feels guilty for us being in LDR

  1. #1
    Avada Kedavra
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    Boyfriend feels guilty for us being in LDR

    This is my first time posting to this site and I am very nervous.... but I have no outlet to get advice on the problem I am having.

    I am in a LDR with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 3 months, have been talking for around 7 months total.

    When we were first getting to know each other I had expressed that I did not want to be in a LDR for long-term.
    The reason behind this comment was I dated a guy back when I was in high school for a couple of years and we were long distant and it was really hard on me. It took a lot out of me to have to travel and plan trips, having to say goodbye and wait till the next time that we were together, etc. It was exhausting and not something I had ever wanted to repeat in my life... but then I met my current boyfriend. Originally I was not even going to consider dating him because of the distance (we live on opposite sides of the US basically), but the longer I talked to him the more I liked him.

    So fast forward.
    I have decided that even though long distance is not ideal, that it is worth it to me. This was a decision that I gave myself plenty of time to think over, because ultimately I did not want to commit to something if it would be too hard on me. Yet again, the decision I came to was that it is worth it. Yes, it is painful, but it is a pain that I am willing to endure in order to be with him. I love him and I want our relationship to work, and if the distance is a part of that for a while, that is fine by me.

    However...
    There are definitely times that I struggle with the distance. I miss him and my heart hurts. I express these feelings as best as I can because I think it is the most healthy method to tell each other what we are feeling rather than bottle it up. In these times though... my boyfriend will feel guilty. He will express that he feels he is to blame for making me "put up with" the distance. He feels responsible for the pain that I am in and it takes a great deal of reassurance/time to get him to see that I am making a choice here. I am the one who decided to stay in a relationship, knowing that it will be long distance for at least another 6 months to a year more. I do not blame him for my pain.

    I am unsure how to help him see that yes, I hurt, but that the pain is worth it to me. That he is worth it. Our relationship is worth it.
    I hate seeing him beat himself up over something that is not his fault, not something he should feel any guilt over.

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    DanZee
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    Well, it sounds like he might be suffering from depression or he is bipolar. A lot of people who can't function socially will go online for relationships. A lot of people also get all worked up over these relationships and actually consider them real, but online relationships are mostly fantasies that create unrealistic expectations that people just can't duplicate in real life. Real relationships are messy and you don't experience a lot of what a relationship is all about when you're doing it online. So I would advise you to be careful and try to find out if he has any problems before you move across the country to be with him. If he has depression of low self-esteem, the chances that this relationship will fail skyrockets.

  3. #3
    reinventmyself
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    Have you ever had a real time relationship with someone who lives close to you?

    By that I mean - a relationship of duration and one where you can see each other on a daily basis if you wanted to?

  4. #4
    Avada Kedavra
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    I have been in a real-time relationship. I dated a guy for about 3 years who lived near me. We actually lived together for a part of that time.

  5. #5
    Avada Kedavra
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    I do know that he deals with depression. It is something that I deal with as well, but I've dealt with it for many years of my life. I also take antidepressants. I understand mental health issues, and how to deal with them in most cases, but I also understand that everyone is different. I see what you mean about the fantasies of online relationships. It definitely is different than having a relationship where you can see the person everyday. We have met in person, and got along very well. We're planning another visit soon, and hopefully that will help things. I think being as careful as possible is probably a good approach. I do plan if I move out there to have things in line for myself: a job set up, research places I can go to meet friends, etc. I also think that it would probably be best if we do not move in together right away. I don't want to rush that.

  6. #6
    Avada Kedavra
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    Quote Originally Posted by reinventmyself [Register to see the link]
    Have you ever had a real time relationship with someone who lives close to you?

    By that I mean - a relationship of duration and one where you can see each other on a daily basis if you wanted to?


    I have been in a real-time relationship. I dated a guy for about 3 years who lived near me. We actually lived together for a part of that time.

  7. #7
    Wiseman2
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    Stop talking about all the "pain" you are in. Also don't be a martyr. If you can do LDRs then fine, but if not don't put yourself or anyone else through it.

  8. #8
    No1
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    Sounds to me that at some point you had to convince him to 'put up with' the distance and it doesn't sound like his heart is in it as much as yours. IF that is the case, he will soon, start arguments with you, little fights here and there, you will annoy him more and he will take it out on you if that's not going on already.
    I have learned that if you have to bargain, guilt, convince, explain, or promise things will change to stay in a relationship then its probably going to be doomed. Why you ask? Because it takes two willing hearts to make a relationship work and no matter how much love one heart has, if the other one is not in it then its not going to work. He is the one who has to be not only willing, but actively work to make a LDR successful.
    How many times have you seen him in the past 3 months? Do you have your airline tickets booked for the next trip already? When is he coming out? How are you going to pay for a move to the other side of the country or how is he going to pay for it? Are you getting a job in his city, is he looking into a job near you? Have you made any plans or do you just talk and plan about the future and what could be?
    What special qualities does he have that you cant find in a guy near you? Have you ever seen one another? How did you two meet? Why do you want to make this LDR work when you think nothing is going to happen for another year?

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