When Should I Break Up w Nice Guy?

I will try to be quick because I'm typing this from my phone and this has been eating at me for months.

I met a man at work, K (39). I'm 25. We started really talking to one another when we went on a business trip together last year. It started off as a friendship and within the month it turned flirtatious. The moment we kiss each other he automatically put on FB without asking me that we were in a relationship... so I figured we just try it out since he was so kind and considerate.

This man is so sweet. Kind of clingy but that doesn't really bother me. What I found out is that we don't really have much in common. He's not really interested in what I'm in nor does he really support my business endeavors. I'm not really into what he's into.

Ex. One day he came over my place to hang out. I tried to start a conversation with him 6 different times but he kept scrolling through his phone. Surely when he sits at my dinner table and eats the meal I cooked him hell set down the cell right? Wrong! But he'll post a pic on Facebook saying how lucky he is to have me but we didn't even have a full conversation at all that night.

Another major thing is that I enjoy sex. I'm not a sex maniac but I like a weekly healthy dose. I'm okay if I don't have it one week, I'm not crazy. But he'll grab on me and touch me without going all the way. I feel him getting excited, even if I spend the night in his bed he won't go there. So I asked him why he doesn't engage in that with me, he tells me that he doesn't want the relationship to be about sex. I get that and respect that. I know that's a sensitive topic for men so I don't want to stress it. I tried to get a toy to curb the urge of sex but I don't like plastic and when I do finally get to have sex with him after months of being deprived, I get it for two minutes. I've already tried speaking about trying different things sexually. He'll just get uncomfortable. I don't want to make anyone feel bad about their performance in bed.

It's just not working. He has lost his job 3 months ago and I've been feeling this way for longer than that. I don't want to kick him while he's down. He didn't get unemployment. His lease is almost up, he doesn't have a car he's not sure where he's going to work. He's still looking and I'm just pretending like everything is okay to make sure his feelings isn't hurt.

I'm tired of pretending. I'm wondering if should continue to wait until he finds a job? Or just give him the news while his life is rocky?

I hinted around it and his lips started quivering and he almost cried. He tells me I'm his dream girl. I hate conflict. But if this is so, he deserves to be with a girl who's just as much as into him as he's into me. I can tell he really likes me. (Outside of that dinner example).

I really need help because I actually care for him. He's just not the right one for me.

How long have you been dating? No sex, no job, no car? Let him down easy stating that you are not compatible. Don't let him manipulate you into being his meal ticket or ride or letting him move in, etc.

I do finally get to have sex with him after months of being deprived, I get it for two minutes.

He has lost his job 3 months ago

he doesn't have a car he's not sure where he's going to work.

It sounds to me like he rushed into things very quickly without your permission. Posting on Facebook right away that you are in a relationship seems a bit of a red flag to me.

You are entitled to be in a relationship that feels good to you. You can tell him it isn't working and not have to feel responsible for how he will cope just because he is not in a good spot in his life right now. That is up to him.

Sending you strength and power to do what is best for you, and I also just wanted to let you know that it is amazing that you are thinking of his feelings in this process. you sound like a lovely empathetic person.

You think I should just leave while he's down?

You should have dumped him long ago.

The fact that he shows no interest in your life is huge. He is also not listening to your physical needs. He is not partner material!!!

Tell him you do not feel it is working out. You are not obligated to stay with him, due to misfortune. You need to put yourself first.

You think I should just leave while he's down?

Don't be a martyr. And, You are not his mother.

Doesn't he have friends and a family?

If he doesn't care about your needs, then by definition he is not a nice guy. That said, there is never a good time to end things. You simply need to do it. Quite frankly, the longer you drag it out, the worse and more cruel it is to the other person because their attachment/comfort is growing. I agree that you should have ended things long ago, but please, don't keep leading him on any further. It.is.not.nice.

I hinted around it and his lips started quivering and he almost cried. He tells me I'm his dream girl. I hate conflict. But if this is so, he deserves to be with a girl who's just as much as into him as he's into me. I can tell he really likes me. (Outside of that dinner example).

Let's see...he gets to date a young girl who is 14 years his junior, who puts up with all his crap and emotional manipulations and doesn't call him out on his bs. OF COURSE you are his dream girl.

You are selling yourself big time. He is taking advantage of your inexperience and has coerced you into a relationship where you get the short end of the stick. He parades you on FB like you are some kind of trophy (oh look at my much younger gf!) and in real life he neglects you both in and out of the bedroom. A woman closer his age would have kicked him on the curb ages ago.

The thing is you have some serious issues of your own to address. Maybe it's your lack of experience. Maybe it's something else. However, being conflict avoidant and a people pleaser to the point of getting coerced into entering and staying in such a blatantly unsatisfying relationship is plain wrong. You need to learn to put up healthy boundaries and cut off people like him or you will be taken for a ride and waste your youth on undeserving manipulating losers such as your "boyfriend". Your choice.

P.S. You seriously need to reconsider your definition of what really constitutes a nice guy.

Your third paragraph sums it all up pretty well especially this sentence - it's just not working.

Time to cut your losses, it's not working, you know that. There's nothing satisfying and fun and fulfilling about this relationship. The guy sounds weird to me. Plus he's needy and clingy. It's too bad he's lost his job, but that's not your fault. You'd be better off to break it off asap. Like now.

I actually still owe him money. I've paid 250.00 of the 600.00 I owe him. That's another reason why I feel bad for dumping him. Not everyone is just going to give cash like that without thinking twice.

I actually still owe him money. I've paid 250.00 of the 600.00 I owe him. That's another reason why I feel bad for dumping him. Not everyone is just going to give cash like that without thinking twice.

Ending your relationship with him doesn't absolve you of your debt. You still owe him and you still need to make arrangements with him to pay back. If that means sending him $50/mo in the mail, so be it. You are making some pretty mind boggling excuses here.

Not excuses. Just asking for help on how to resolve a situation. That's what this site was for right?

Let's see...he gets to date a young girl who is 14 years his junior, who puts up with all his crap and emotional manipulations and doesn't call him out on his bs. OF COURSE you are his dream girl.

 

You are selling yourself big time. He is taking advantage of your inexperience and has coerced you into a relationship where you get the short end of the stick. He parades you on FB like you are some kind of trophy (oh look at my much younger gf!) and in real life he neglects you both in and out of the bedroom. A woman closer his age would have kicked him on the curb ages ago.

 

The thing is you have some serious issues of your own to address. Maybe it's your lack of experience. Maybe it's something else. However, being conflict avoidant and a people pleaser to the point of getting coerced into entering and staying in such a blatantly unsatisfying relationship is plain wrong. You need to learn to put up healthy boundaries and cut off people like him or you will be taken for a ride and waste your youth on undeserving manipulating losers such as your "boyfriend". Your choice.

 

P.S. You seriously need to reconsider your definition of what really constitutes a nice guy.

Clio said it best!

I'm literally on my way to meet him face-to-face for a break up wish me luck

You think I should just leave while he's down?

Yes. He can deal with everything at one time and start his healing process.

You stated you don't like conflict and I understand but this needs to be done and soon.

Don't let his quivering lip or anything else manipulate you into not following through.