Early dating: how to reject someone that is potentially mentally unstable?

I met this guy online and we had 2 dates so far. After the first date, I was on the fence if I was interested. I was leaning towards a no but whenever I am not sure, I give it at least another date.

He seemed very socially awkward and nervous. I am not the most confident person myself so in small doses it doesn't bother me. He is in his mid 30s and when I asked him when was his last relationship, he replied that it was over 10 years ago. I got the vibe that he is very inexperienced, possibly even a virgin. When we scheduled the second date, I got sick and had to reschedule. He wrote a pretty intense angry text about how rude it was for me to do that and how he always gets rejected by women. Then he apologized and we kept talking.

Second date was even more awkward. We were running out of conversation during dinner and then I was 100% that I am not interested and don't want to see him again. After dinner, he wanted to go for a walk. He tried to hold hands and I went along with it because I wanted to end the evening on the pleasent note. Then things got weird. He told me that he collects firearms and that his hobby is converting them to automatic ones. The conversation made me uneasy. He also mentioned that he totally understands mass shooters and how they are misunderstood by society. Then he mentioned again how he was rejected by every women he dated and how it just all gets too much sometimes.

He walked me home (he doesn't know which apartment I live in but he knows my building). He seemed to think that the date went great and kept talking about how his luck has finally changed. He asked to see me again and I said that we can text and make plans later. Today, he texted me a long message about how much fun he had and how he wants to take me to a park for a picnic on the weekend and a dinner later. I haven't responded yet and it's been a few hours.

My question is: what words do I use to reject him in a way that won't make him angry, depressed or likely to take it out on me? I already know how upset he was when I had to reschedule a date. The combination of firearm talk, extreme social awkwardness and general intensity are weirding me out. Maybe I shouldn't reply to his text at all? I mean, I am likely making too much out of this and he won't do anything but I live by myself and want to handle it the right way.

I have been on many online dates and I have encountered sleazy men, nerdy socially awkward ones and many in between, but this is only the 2nd time I actually felt some fear.

Tough one. Honestly, if he is actually mentally unstable, there is probably no way to say it that isn't going to upset him to some degree. And I lean towards thinking that based on the fact that he is modding weapons to full-auto, which with few exceptions is against federal law ("bump stocks" like the Vegas shooter used are still legal but they are in the process of criminalizing that) , plus his sympathy towards mass shooters, which is obviously whack. I would be honest up to the point where you were not interested during the dinner but strong, don't show weakness by saying "you scare me." Saying that you don't have enough in common is true and should be enough of an explanation. Your relationship is not to the point where you owe him a face to face to do this, but I WOULD do it over the phone so you can actually gauge his tone and emotions. Texting will NOT be sufficient. Obviously, if he threatens you in any way, or shows up unexpectedly, or displays any stalkerish behavior, call the police. In either case, keep your eyes and ears open for a while. Sorry you're going through this.

Just a PSA-- Ladies, it's actually safer for you to walk home alone than it is for a man to, and exponentially so. That's not saying you can't appreciate it when a man does walk you, but if you go on a date with a guy who doesn't feel right to you, you are significantly safer walking yourself home than having a creepy dude with you just for the sake of having a male body.

Honestly, while I've ghosted an unstable woman, I wouldn't do it with this guy. I definitely don't blame you for being worried, but I'd keep in mind how incredibly unlikely it is for any one person to be assaulted or murdered. Also, he admitted to women always rejecting him, so you wouldn't be the first or last. Still, I'd placate him in your rejection, being as nice as you can while leaving no room for interpretation. And if he's the type to scold or chide, I'd let him get it out of his system that way. I'm not sure you need to call him, but I suppose you could be pleasantly surprised if you were to hear him react relatively calmly.

It might not hurt to tag along with a friend a bit more often for a little while. You met the guy, I didn't, so if you legit feel scared, it may be worth a call to the police just to have your concerns documented. They most likely won't be able to provide you relief right now, but it could make measures easier in the future on the off-chance the guy does escalate.

“Hey ________ (or you can leave that out if it’s responding to an invitation to get together), while I’ve enjoyed getting to know you I’ve come to the realization that this is not the correct path for me. I do wish you all the luck in your journey to find that special lady.”

That’s my ~general statement, I usually tailor it a little depending on the person. You don’t have to give any reasons if you don’t want to or you could throw something in about not having enough in common or wait to see if he asks. The “good luck” part at the end tends to keep from unnecessary extra convo about it and also leaves no room for interpretation. Someone actually used it on me once and I thought it was a really good line haha. I’ve done it a handful of times and have had friends use it and it goes fairly well each time.

I agree with J.man about the whole scold and chide bit, but you’ve also said everything in one concise message so I have never felt the need to respond passed that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It definitely is unsettling when you’re worried about how someone will react.

I don't think mass shooters conversation was necessarily related... when you said it, it reminded me of that socially awkward guy I knew who thought cemeteries and porn are great conversation openers.

But yes, you do need to break up with him ASAP and in a calm manner, probably in text. For me getting angry at cancelling the meeting would be an instant deal-breaker. Even if you're "not the most confident", you should date only people with healthy self-esteem, whether they are shy or not.

My friends and I have dated or gone on dates with total coo-ka-doos - the secret to getting them to go away is to become boring. I mean so boring, the wall wants to cry. Crazy people and rational explanations don't always go together.

I think you have to tell him you're afraid of guns and of people who own guns and of people who are converting them to automatic weapons. Tell him sorry, it's just not going to work out. Don't tell a white lie or be vague, because crazy people will not accept them and you won't be able to shake him.

A lesson I learned in life is. . you cannot be responsible for other peoples reactions. (generally speaking)

Had he been a somewhat `normal' person you wouldn't be asking this.

Because most people, even though it's not pleasant, can handle a respectful goodbye. Especially if they think they can handle on line dating.

If this guy has issues that are serious enough that he'll take it so badly you are nervous to tell him the truth, then it's on him and his insecurities are his to deal with.

Not yours.

Naturally you tell him how feel in the kindest way possible. The rest is up to him.

You have no control over his reaction.

I get your concern though. . . Second thought. . Tell him you reconciled with an old bf :) and then block him

It's good you saw this chip on his shoulder early on. You don't owe anyone a date. This text would make most people run. Simply be straight forward and diplomatic. For example: Hey Joe enjoyed meeting you but I think we're not a good fit.

He wrote a pretty intense angry text about how rude it was for me to do that and how he always gets rejected by women.

I think be honest and upfront. I wasnt to this creepy guy i was too vague and he ended up stalking me. I got rid of him by threatning to tell the police.

So the more honest the better. If you ghost he will end up at your building.

If he gets mad oh well thats on him. But document any threat he makes.

Good luck. I know its not easy.

If he collects weapons and sympathizes with mass shootings, I would honestly report him to the police right away. You don't want to upset him in a way that he potentially really freaks out...