... and I never heard from her again - 'My painful breakup story'

In June of 2017 my girlfriend of 7 months left me after we had an argument because I felt she was putting a lot of pressure on me trying to change me.

She was never happy with me. My clothes, my smell, my job, my body, etc. She was constantly complaining and I tried so hard to accommodate her. She was way out of my league and I fell in love with her stupidly. We are both in our late 30s.

One evening I got upset and told her that I was afraid of a future with someone who treated me this way. She was really mad and didn't talk to me the entire night and she only said "Good bye" in the morning when I left for work. She didn't come home after work the next day and ended up sleeping at her friends place for 2 nights. After those 2 nights I felt I needed to apologize and I reached out to her only for her to break up with me. Her reasoning: she couldn't really fall in love with me because our values are too different and my personality was too strong.

I never hurt her or cheated on her. I always tried to change the things that she was criticizing me for. I was working overtime to make her happy, but I was never able to satisfy her.

I had plans to propose to her as I loved her and didn't want to ever let her go. I had looked at some rings already and thought I would propose in the coming months when the time felt right.

After she broke up I called her crying and asking her to change her mind. But she was only cold towards me. I was even stupid enough to tell her my plan to propose. She was so cold and I acted like a fool. For weeks I kept begging like an idiot in messages I sent to her.

After that last phone call I never heard from her again. She never came home and the last time I actually saw her was that morning when I left for work before she went to her friends house. She left most of her stuff with me. Never asked for it or came to pick it up. I eventually threw it away.

I tried to reach out over the months. I just couldn't help myself. I called her but she never picked up. I wrote her a few more messages as I know she did read them. Some of my messages were so angry and upset and depressed that I regret sending them. There was never any reply. Nothing!

This was so painful. I just didn't understand why she would do this to me. I let her into my life. She moved into my home after one month of dating. I gave her a good life and never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment. It only took one argument, one moment of my weakness for her to just cut me out of her life entirely...

On Christmas after a good two months of NC I got nostalgic and a little drunk and sent her a Merry Christmas email. I said that it would have meant a lot to me to spend this time with her. Of course there was no response and it only set me back again.

So... last weekend I went for drinks with a common friend of ours. He told me that he has talked to her about us because he thought that what she did to me wasn't right and that it would have been better to talk at least one time after things cooled down a bit and show some respect to one another.

I found out that she left the city 4 weeks after the breakup. She went to work at her best friend's dad's company. She told our friend that she has no regrets whatsoever for leaving me as she only loved two men before me, both of whom are now married. She is still single but wants to fall in love again. She says our relationship was such a joke to her and she even called it a waste of her time. Ouch!

When he asked her why she didn't even talk to me at all anymore after the breakup, she said that she doesn't see a point as we are just too different and how can she communicate with someone who has my type of personality. Nobody ever made such a comment about me. What is wrong with me? We talked every day for hours before that. We texted while at work and went for dinners after. She sent me so many heart emojis and words like "together forever" in the week before all this went down.

Not a word from her since. The last time we talked over the phone 6 months ago I was in tears. She also told him and their friends about my proposal and boasted about it. Apparently that is the story she is telling everyone.

"I left him, and then he proposed, but I turned him down and I don't regret it"

I told my friend to never discuss us again and never tell me about her anymore. Every detail stays in my head and this just hurt me more to know this now. That was a setback that I just didn't need.

Painful times are behind me and painful times will be ahead. It has been 6 months and I am still suffering and waking up most nights bathing in my own sweat. This situation has changed me and my life in crazy ways I could have never imagined. I kept dwelling on it for so long. The infinite amounts of unanswered questions. It wasn't easy and I am sure many of you can relate.

I hope you "enjoyed" my story. I am feeling like I am getting over it slowly and I start to see the light and the many opportunities out there. I will take this as a lesson of who to trust and who to let into my life. For the longest time I hated myself for giving her that power over me, but now it is time to take it back and be confident again. I can't wait for that heavy feeling in my chest to disappear.

Lots of love to all of you!

Welcome to ENA.

One evening I got upset and told her that I was afraid of a future with someone who treated me this way.

I honestly think you were totally right here and should have broken up right then. If someone is always trying to change you, especially since it sounds like there were a lot of things about you she didn't like, it would have been best to just break up. i was once in your shoes, where I was dating a guy and within the first month of dating, he was trying to change lots of things about me (clothing, hair, etc....) It just saves time to break up and then date the person who does have the qualities you are looking for.

Anyway, don't second guess yourself. I would not waste another minute worrying about her. What's done is done, it was not a match, you saw that and she did as well.

hang in there. You will find a woman who likes you just as you are.

You began your post with how hard it was to please her and from what I read it appears you two were terribly mismatched.

But even when it failed you tried your best to change and to win her back. It doesn't sound like you had to chance to start with.

It may not seem like it now, but it really is for the best.

A relationship that doesn't start well doesn't stand much of a chance of ending well.

It's time to let this all go.

Hang in there and trust that things work out the way they are supposed to.

In June of 2017 my girlfriend of 7 months left me after we had an argument because I felt she was putting a lot of pressure on me trying to change me.

She was never happy with me. My clothes, my smell, my job, my body, etc. She was constantly complaining and I tried so hard to accommodate her. She was way out of my league and I fell in love with her stupidly. We are both in our late 30s.

Have a look at the bolded parts, OP.

1) She was not happy with who you were and you became a bit of a doormat for trying to make all changes she wanted and be the person who she wanted you to be instead of being yourself.

2) She was constantly complaining. Which means she was not as invested or interested as you were.

3) The fact that you didn't feel you were deserving of a girl "out of your league" shows that you lacked confidence in the relationship and probably never stood up to her. This is an attraction killer, it was just a matter of time. It's not about the looks, it's about the lack of confidence. Believe me, if this was about looks she would have never been with you for that long.

You should just move on from this and try to become a better person. If you think your looks are a problem, go to a gym, buy new clothes, get a new haircut, etc. Not for her, but for yourself. If you're not happy with your work, take the extra effort to get a new one or a promotion. Take new hobbies (stuff you actually enjoy doing), so you can feel proud to tell others about it too.

This girl doesn't sound like a nice person to have a relationship with, considering the things she said at the end. Come to terms with the fact that you were not a good match and you were blindsided. You though this person was someone who she is not. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that you made a bad judgement about her, but we've all been there.

I am sending you hugs and love. Your story break my heart. Not because of her but because of you. You are worthy and wonderful and special. You have what it takes to have a real relationship with someone who appreciates you. You are willing to do the work when it gets tough. You care about your partner.

You shouldn't have to start off a relationship changing yourself into someone else to be with your partner. Your partner should love u! Love. YOU!!!

Now go find love for yourself! Appreciate you. Love YOU.

and PLEASE know that when the right person who isn't a selfish self serving jerk like your ex comes along you have all the fundamental ingredients to make a true love last.

Sending you love and light and a promise that this will get better. Not right now...but soon.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP.

But what I see in your post is a person that has no sense of their own value or identity - and I'm talking about you. After only 7 months, you were desperate to please this woman and willing to go to extreme lengths to hang on, as evidenced by your plan to propose to a person who apparently didn't even like you all that much. That doesn't sound like a good plan at all. Then you continue to cling to hope, hope that this woman will suddenly see your worth.

But OP, you won't find love when you don't even love yourself. You were right to question your future with her. She didn't want you as you are. She wanted to change everything about you; that would never work. You'd be pretending to be someone you're not. Don't be so afraid to drop a person who doesn't value you and appreciate you for who already are.

Believe me, it's for the best that she has continued to ignore you. There wasn't a future here, and it seems you know that. You're using her as a measuring stick of your own self-worth, which is unhealthy. Stop using her presence - or lack thereof - as a barometer of your value as a partner. She is not worth the power you give her.

Sorry you're going through this man. Best thing is you know you did all you could so you can move on with no regrets, we can't change who we are deep down for someone, what would have happened is you would have changed for her and either missed your old self or changed slowly back until it happened again.

You will look back one day and think 'wow what a cold *****' and be thankful because you've found someone who loves you for who you are, and not everyone will, just got to go through the incompatible ones until you find the good one 😉

Hi Hula,

Your story moves me quite abit.. before my recent break-up, I didn't believe that someone could be so cold with someone they apparently loved, like a switch (bang, gone)..

We were together for 3 years. Although you were together for shorter, it is clear that she had quite an impact on you.

Let me tell you my friend, you dodged a major bullet here and be grateful it is over and you can now meet someone worthy of you.

You have already received excellent support and advice from the above contributors, all know exactly what they are talking about.

"She was never happy with me. My clothes, my smell, my job, my body, etc. She was constantly complaining and I tried so hard to accommodate her. She was way out of my league and I fell in love with her stupidly. We are both in our late 30s".

This is all so wrong mate.. She either loves you for YOU, or can stay out of your life.

I do appreciate that people don't choose who they fall in love with, but believe me when I say that from what you have written it is HER that does not deserve you.

Please take all of this help on board and move on.

It's tough, I get it, I am 3 months out and it is still very raw, but you will get past this.

Please also get some work on your self esteem issues.

I'm sure you are a great guy and one horrible experience should not put you off loving again. Someone who loves you back, properly.

Sorry to hear this. The good news is now you are free to date women who aren't witches like this one.

She was never happy with me. My clothes, my smell, my job, my body, etc. She was constantly complaining and I tried so hard to accommodate her. Her reasoning: she couldn't really fall in love with me because our values are too different and my personality was too strong.

I agree man, I just got out of a relationship like that one, I did more for her than she ever did for me. 2 long miserable years! Be thankful that it's over bro! There's plenty of good women out there just keep your head up! Thats what I'm doing!

I can't imagine how much pain you're in, OP. No matter how much encouragement and support you get from us out here, don't put any pressure on yourself to recover in a certain time frame.

I'm sure you're questioning what you could have done differently and what effect would it have on your life today. We've all done it, laid awake at night pondering these questions.....

I'm willing to be that even if you'd successfully made every change that she wanted from you, it still wouldn't have been enough. And even if you'd made every change she'd wanted, what kind of man would you be? Someone who did everything for someone who didn't value them for who and what they were originally. Every time she was upset with you, she'd blame it on some intrinsic quality that you possess (and makes you who you are in a way) and the process would keep repeating. Here's the truth: Those guys that she thinks she could have married? They probably "changed themselves" to an extent, saw that this would never be enough and got her out of their lives. Both of them are married and not to her....for a reason.

All of those sweet little texts don't matter from her. She demonstrated through her behavior (especially when she disappeared for two days after an argument) should tell you that this is how she operates until she gets what she wants or tips the balance of power within the relationship to the point where she has an overwhelming position of control. You do realize that if she pulled that trick within the first year of dating that you'd have to deal with that over and over if you married her. Again, those other guys probably saw this and left her behind.

The questions you should ask and learn from the answers are: Why did you let her move in with you after a month of dating? Propose after 7 months? I'm sorry but that's weak and needy. You were so afraid of losing her that you thought you'd lock her down through these bad decisions. That's okay. You'll never do that again because you've learned your lesson.

So you've begged, cried, used mutual contacts to confirm your worst fears are true in terms of what she thinks of you. So what are you going to do now? Are you going to stay in this state forever? Are you going to let the fear, pain and anxiety run your life into the ground? I hope not. The self-inflicted pain through rumination on "what she was thinking/what she was doing now/could I get her back?" far worse than the knowledge that my ex moved on and that she wasn't coming back. It made my life hell for a year.....and I chose to let it control me. Please don't do this.

I think that you may want to get some professional counseling. There's nothing wrong with it and it helped me get through the pain of my "big break up". It takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help sometimes and this may be one of them.

You're going to get through this. Work on yourself, get some help with the emotional stuff (not from friends or family - professionals) and take steps down the road to making yourself into a man that won't accept someone who would treat him this way.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP.

 

But what I see in your post is a person that has no sense of their own value or identity - and I'm talking about you. After only 7 months, you were desperate to please this woman and willing to go to extreme lengths to hang on, as evidenced by your plan to propose to a person who apparently didn't even like you all that much. That doesn't sound like a good plan at all. Then you continue to cling to hope, hope that this woman will suddenly see your worth.

 

But OP, you won't find love when you don't even love yourself. You were right to question your future with her. She didn't want you as you are. She wanted to change everything about you; that would never work. You'd be pretending to be someone you're not. Don't be so afraid to drop a person who doesn't value you and appreciate you for who already are.

 

Believe me, it's for the best that she has continued to ignore you. There wasn't a future here, and it seems you know that. You're using her as a measuring stick of your own self-worth, which is unhealthy. Stop using her presence - or lack thereof - as a barometer of your value as a partner. She is not worth the power you give her.

A fantastic assessment as usual, Miss Canuck. He is worth so much more than what he got from her.

Thank you all for your replys.

I agree, I went too far in trying to make her happy. I did put my foot down on some occasions before as well, but never so seriously as I did that last time.

There are certain things about my lifestyle that I would have never changed for her. She got angry if I didn't do things in the way she wanted, but I was always open to talk and discuss things. When I would ever criticize her, she would usually either argue or not speak to me at all.

Also, I sometimes complained about her too and I feel bad for it. One thing that bothered me the most was that she didn't have a job most of the time and no savings and I pointed that out several times. She basically lived off my money and she didn't like it when I told her that she should have saved up. She tried getting a job, and her mom sent her a couple hundred every month but the rest was on me.

Another thing is that she was always talking about long term plans with me. A few times she asked me if I wanted to have children with her and I said yes, but not now. That made her upset. She wanted children and so did I, but I wasn't sure if the timing was right. She mentioned marriage a few times, so that made me want to propose, as the idea of marriage wasn't a big deal for me but I could feel that she didn't love me the same way, so I wanted to wait and see if this would change.

I guess it hurt her when I put my foot down and told her I can't go on this way. She was so cold when she said good bye. She even mentioned that nothing can separate us just a few hours before the fight that ended it all. That is ironic. She even hinted at having a family together that same day.

I think that ignoring someone is not the right way to handle this after we lived together and had discussed a more long term commitment. She talked to her ex, who left her 6 months before she met me, over the phone a few times while she was with me. She told me she didn't love him either and that he was not a suitable partner for her. They were only together for two months or so, but she answered when he called or texted her.

I am seeing a therapist every week because it is taking me so long to come to terms with this. She thinks my issues stem from an experience in my early teens when my dad has taken his life. Something I felt I was guilty of for not doing enough to stop it for many years. In my head I was always trying to reach out to him, hoping he would hear me somewhere. A feeling that was very similar to the one she caused me to feel. So I can't blame her for my behaviour.

I feel I was mostly over her as a person after two or three months. I rarely missed her anymore at that point or had any positive feelings towards her. But what really pains me and makes it harder to get over this whole situation is the fact that she shut me out like we never existed, which caused me to have these constant panic attacks and made me act in ways that I could never imagine. I still can't believe that she would treat me like this instead of showing me respect for taking care of her for all these months. But it is her choice and there is nothing I can do about that...

Her reasoning: she couldn't really fall in love with me because our values are too different and my personality was too strong.

Personality too strong translated means she would have problems manipulating you into doing what she wants. The last time you talked was 6 months ago and the relationship itself was 7 months. Your healing phase has lasted as long as the relationship. Glad you're healing. You deserve better.

She is a Hobosexual. One that dates so they have a place to live.

Rather than accepting the guy she was dating, she was trying to mold you to the guy she viewed herself with.

She is gone and thats okay. Cry if you need to but know that this is the best thing to happen to you. Now you have room in your life and heart for someone better who will accept you for who you are.

Its all good my ENA friend.

I was always there for her and I never did anything bad to her. Sure there were some fights and I acted super crazy after the breakup by crying and trying to change her mind and reach out over and over again. But who just cuts out someone they once had long term plans with and doesn't even speak at all anymore ever? She would speak to her other exes too. I mean we lived together for half a year in my small studio apartment. I let her in and took care of her.

During our last phone call she mentioned that she will speak to me again in the future and that I should move on. She also said that she cares a lot about me and that I am her best friend forever. That was after she left me after the argument we had. What did she mean by that? I just can't stop thinking about it. I always want to reach out and confront her, but I have done that and there is nothing coming back from her at all. What is it about my values and my personality that makes it impossible for her to care about my feelings and forget all the good times we shared?

It is so hard to get over this. I am approaching 7 months and I still keep having these constant panic attacks every day and night. I am over her, but not over the way she treated me. I feel like I want revenge but this is not the kind of person I am. I want her to know the pain that she caused me by ignoring me, but in my last message on Christmas I was only sucking up to her and even taking away her guilt if there was any in the first place. I prefer peace and balance and communication over anything else. And that is how I would approach most situations. But I have lost myself and who I was. My best friends and my boss told me that I changed, and I can feel it myself. I want myself back!

Hey Hula,

I relate to so much you are saying mate.

The only way you will get through is by never contacting her again.

There is a whole world out there, full of genuine people, who would treat you so much better.

Go out and see. :)

Take one day at a time and we are all here for you.

Head up.

Now I am so full of regret.

At first I regretted fighting with her because I didn't realize that I was right. I thought the breakdown of the relationship was my fault. I was guilty for not doing enough to keep it working.

Then I regretted crying and begging and pestering her, giving her all that power over myself and making it easier for her to treat me like this. Even telling her about the proposal. That was a huge mistake. I never gave her a chance to miss me.

I regret I didn't stand my ground. I feel like I should have been the one to break up and keep the power more balanced. It may be my ego here too. I hate how she can just look at it in this way now. She broke up, I cried and proposed and she doesn't regret leaving me at all.

I regret having reached out over Christmas and taking away her guilt if there was ever any on her part. I gave her this last satisfaction to tell her I missed her and that I wish she was still here.

My biggest regret is to ever let her into my life to this extent. I gave her my heart and showed her my deepest emotions. My fears, my depression, my anger, my love. I gave her myself. I let her use myself. There is nobody who I was ever so open with only to be dumped like this afterwards. I let her throw me away like garbage.

I am so full of regret!

Use these regrets to drive you on and make her ancient history..

You now have an opportunity to truly put her behind you..

You are not over her. What is happening is you are on the swing set of emotions. One second you land on regret and the next you swing over to sadness, then you swing on to another emotion. Occasionally you will hit acceptence and you will swing to another emotion but then you will hit acceptance again and it will stay there longer until it eventually stays there.

And I want to ask.. if its been 7 months, what are you still holding on to? Why are you still hold on? I see part of the problem is that you keep looking backwards and asking why. At this point, the 'whys, hows, whats' dont matter. It is over, she left and she moved on. Why are you still allowing her to get to you? What is your fear? Are you mad at yourself? You feel guilt or think the break up was your fault? You afraid youll never meet someone else as hot or as good?

No1 is right....You will need to start rewiring your brain by thinking less about her and the past and think more about the now and the immediate future....

My dear Hula, this takes quite a while and some practice but start just a little bit, day by day....Force it....!

It's kinda like going to 'Brain Gym' a few times a day.....It hurts and it's damn frustrating but you must start at the beginning and keep trying....

This is a mind thing so that is the most important muscle you need to work on now....

I really feel for you bud....I miss my exwife terribly and if you read my thread you will see she came around me only a week ago after 5 weeks of nothing...

I got hopeful. She was just alleviating the last bit of guilt she had so she could fully move on, and I fell for it, again!...I then fell back into the abyss....

So force yourself through NC and if/when she contacts you, read my thread again and be extremely cautious!

Carus*

*Carus is spot on with this;

"You will need to start rewiring your brain by thinking less about her and the past and think more about the now and the immediate future....!

"It's kinda like going to 'Brain Gym' a few times a day.....It hurts and it's damn frustrating but you must start at the beginning and keep trying....

This is a mind thing so that is the most important muscle you need to work on now...."

It really helps. x

That's ok. Most people get a lot of clarity in hindsight and upon reflection. When that all becomes clear the biggest regret is "why didn't I cut my losses sooner?". It's hardest to see clearly in the turbulence of emotions that go on in a difficult relationship. Everyone getting rid of a poorly suited partner (doesn't matter who broke up) usually asks themselves "what was I thinking?" at some point.

Now I am so full of regret.

I think I am not over how I acted after the breakup and the feelings of abandonment and guilt that took control over my actions. I had this before two times.

First time was when my dad died. I tried to reach out to him for most of my teens, talking to him at night. I never discussed this with anyone until my mid 20s. I believed he could hear me, but obviously he couldn't...

The second time was when my girlfriend of 4 years left me in a similar way when I was 19. It took me almost 7 years to get over this. I finally was able to stop thinking about it when she reached out again and we hung out and I was able to talk to her. Now we are friends and I don't think about her much anymore.

Now this is the third time I feel this way. And I just couldn't control myself for months. It is still hard to stick to NC now but it's the only way forward.

I know that if I hadn't acted the way I did, I would feel so much better today. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't go back to before the argument, but to the time right after and tell myself not to contact her and give her that power. I also think she wouldn't think of me the way she does today. I pushed so hard, insulted her, acted desperate. She seemed kind of disgusted at my actions and it made her forget all that was good about me. This made it so much easier for her to have this attitude towards me now and I lost myself in the process. Knowing her, she would have been much more open to talk if I just went NC straight away. And then I wouldn't be in this same position.

I feel so guilty, sad and regretful, but also angry at her for letting this happen. She knew exactly how to find this button and how to push it, and she did it in order to take full control.

Don't let your ego control you. Why does it matter what she thinks now? She broke up with you and she didn't treat you well during the relationship. Why would you have wanted to be in 'good terms' with her instead? What would you get out of it?

I can relate because I acted desperate after my break up too. Went as far as saying that she didn't give a f about me while I cared about her. Had pretty much an anxiety crisis and sent her a few 'crazy' messages. Nothing disrespectful, but clearly without emotional control. She decided never to speak to me again. It sucks, I know, but in hindsight the break up was there anyway, acting classy wouldn't change the fact that she broke up. Once someone broke up with us, it's very rare that this person is gonna change their mind and ask to go back. In my case, due to my ex's personality, I can be almost sure that if I acted all classy, she would find her way to justify not talking to me again anyway. By acting the way I did, I just gave her a good excuse to do so.

And, hypothetically, if you acted composed after the break up and at some point she came to you asking for another chance. How would you feel about it? Would you go back to your failed relationship? Would you just take her back after she broke your heart? How would you be confident that she wouldn't do it again, leaving you in an ever worse situation? We keep obsessing about an ex coming back to us after having dumped us mostly because of our egos. We want proof that we are wanted, needed and that they made a terrible choice by breaking up. We want them to feel sorry about their decisions. It's because rejection hurts a lot and we want that pain to go away, some way or the other.

It's more about our egos to keep obsessing about what they think about us. They may think we're both losers for having acted desperate. But why does it matter? Why do we care about what they think about us? How's this gonna affect my future life? I tell you, in my case, it won't affect anything. We're not in each others lives and don't have many mutual friends. We do work at the same building and will keep bumping into each other. But I'm pretty sure she wont open up about her personal life at work and badmouth me, because this would only make look bad. She's just one person out of 7 billion. I don't need 7 billion people to like me.

Just use this as learning so you don't make the same mistakes in the future. This part is REALLY important. Use the break up to grow. Plenty of books and videos on the internet that teach you how to behave in a relationship so you don't become a doormat. Teach you how to control your anxiety. There's meditation for that too. First thing you have to do is recognise you have a problem with anxiety and deal with it. Might be a good idea to see a therapist.

But don't obsess over 'what ifs'. Fighting the reality of what already happened will just keep you in this loop forever. We all have regrets man... about a lot of things. It's part of the human nature. It's how you deal with those regrets that is what differentiate winners from losers. Don't be a loser. You can make that decision, you have what it takes to process what happened, learn from it, grow as a person and go out there find someone better, a better match. If you decide to go the other way, you could take another 7 years to get over it. Is that what you really want?

You can ask really successful people and I can assure you that some of them will come up with something like "I have no regrets in life" line, not because they acted perfectly throughout their lives. It's just because even when they screwed up BIG TIME (and sometimes there's not way back from that), they saw it as an opportunity to learn and use that to become better versions of themselves. They think about it as something that needed to happen so they could grow out of it. In the difficult times is when we learn the most. If we think 'it was meant to be this way', we will have no regrets, as long as, in the future, we look back at it and realise how that was the kickstart of great changes in your life.