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Thread: Who is right? Dispute about health and travel

  1. #1
    ballerinababe
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    Who is right? Dispute about health and travel

    Please help me settle a dispute with my husband. I feel he is being very inconsiderate and uncaring to me, whereas he seems to think I'm being inconsiderate to him and his sister.

    Husband's sister planned a visit a couple months ago. She lives in same country, different time zone. I've never met her. This will be her first time meeting me and our baby girl. She's supposed to arrive this week and stay a week.

    Backstory:
    About a year ago we had our first child. Starting in the last trimester of pregnancy I began to have sleep problems. I've never had insomnia before, but I was only sleeping a few hours per night, and some nights none at all. I figured it was because of my hormones changing due to the pregnancy, and things would go back to normal after I had the baby. Well, that didn't happen. I continued only sleeping for a few hours a night if at all for the past year. In desperation I made the decision to gradually stop breastfeeding in the hopes that it would help my hormones return to "normal." It was a long process but as of last Thursday I have not breastfed. I've also been to multiple doctors, gotten labs/tests, everything normal. Despite my aversion for taking any medication, I even tried two different sleep medications, but they made me feel even worse and didn't help with sleep. My insomnia became extra bad over the holidays when we had relatives come. The sleeping arrangement was disrupted and everything went to hell. After they left it only got worse. Last week I slept absolutely none for 5 days out of 7. The other two days I only slept a combined total of 3 hours. Needless to say I was a complete wreck. The sleep deprivation has led to positional vertigo and migraines. I've had nonstop headaches for months and months. I can't stand or walk without feeling woozy/dizzy. Some days I couldn't even lift my daughter.

    My mom offered to take care of our daughter for a couple weeks at her house (about a 4-hour drive away) in hopes that removing that aspect might help me relax and be able to sleep again. Told my husband of my mom's offer and he was skeptical, said he would prefer there be a backup, and what if something came up and made it difficult for my mom to juggle all her obligations plus take care of the baby? I thought this was pretty ridiculous because my mom is competent and she raised me as a single mom while also doing a PhD and writing/publishing a novel when I was just an infant.

    Since he didn't want my mom to take care of her, I suggested I go home and stay with my mom for about 10 days, and he can stay with the baby himself (she has daycare). I thought being at home might be more relaxing and help me unwind enough that I could finally sleep. Plus maybe being away from my daughter and going back to my old pre-baby life would trick my hormones into going back to the way they were before I had the baby, back when I could sleep. I wanted to go immediately because 1) my insomnia was so bad and I felt I needed a change right away, and 2) I was only able to get these days of work off, and I can't travel home otherwise.

    The days off unfortunately overlap with my sister-in-law's visit. My husband is upset that I want to leave when she is coming. He also said he doesn't want to be alone with the baby. I said I was sorry it was such bad timing with his sister coming but in my current condition I do not want to meet his sister anyway. I can't function like this. I can't think of words, can't move around freely, can't interact in any normal way going on no sleep for so long. It would be more stressful (and embarrassing) to meet his sister now, and likely make my sleep even worse.

    On Saturday night I finally was able to sleep for almost 6 hours. It was the first time in over a year. I woke up without the headache and with much less dizziness. I was so happy. I was able to go up stairs without crawling, and downstairs without sliding down on my rump. I was able to lift my daughter and play with her. I was hopeful that change was finally starting to happen. Sunday night I even had a sleepy feeling for the first time in a year. I was optimistic I might sleep two nights in the row. Unfortunately as I was trying to sleep I ended up sick with terrible nausea/vomiting (unrelated, I think due to something I ate) and I didn't sleep again. However, the fact that I was able to sleep Saturday night makes me feel like things might be starting to improve. With his sister coming, though, I fear that will jar me out of the path to sleep/improvement again.

    Sister is supposed to arrive in two days.
    1) I don't want to meet her in this condition.
    2) I have this week off from work and really want to go home and stay with my mom where she can help me hopefully regain my ability to sleep.

    My husband got very upset when I said I wanted to go home to my mom's. He does not want me to go. He said I've known of my insomnia for past year so why leave the very week sister is coming?

    Am I in the wrong? In my current condition it is hard to know. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable. I'm actually really insulted that my husband doesn't see things from my perspective. I went to the doctor last Friday and my blood pressure has soared 40 points. My heartrate is up 20 points. I've always been in good health, with perfect blood pressure. It freaks me out to see my health decline like this. I just want to get better. Why does my husband seem to put his sister's visit ahead of my health??

  2. #2
    ballerinababe
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    The more I think about it, the more livid I become. I could be on my way home right now. I have today off from work. Instead I am at home in limbo wondering what is going to happen this week. It's not relaxing at all. My husband and his family have never had sleep problems. He can fall asleep at the drop of a hat anywhere. Yesterday he was grumpy and complained that he woke up an hour early and while he got back to sleep, it wasn't a great sleep after that. POOR BABY!! Give me a break! I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours per night at best in over a year and you're complaining about waking up an hour early? HOW can he lack such empathy?! Just ENRAGED.

  3. #3
    Wiseman2
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    Take the baby and stay at your mom's, let him entertain his sister. Very few new parents want house guests for a week. Don't focus on all your symptoms. Just take the baby with you and suggest he and his sister visit you at your mother's. Politely explain that you need to get some rest and need to be at your mothers place.

  4. #4
    ballerinababe
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiseman2 [Register to see the link]
    Take the baby and stay at your mom's, let him entertain his sister. Very few new parents want house guests for a week. Don't focus on all your symptoms. Just take the baby with you and suggest he and his sister visit you at your mother's. Politely explain that you need to get some rest and need to be at your mothers place.
    That defeats the whole purpose. My mom has already been staying here at our house with the baby for the past 2 weeks helping out. I thought I'd try a period of time without the baby to see if that helped for the reasons described above. Also, part of the reason his sister came was to meet the baby. It would seem really weird that I force them to drive to another city for that. Plus it makes it even more stressful because there's not enough room at my mom's house for all those people. AND my husband is working so he can't take off work to travel. Just wouldn't work logistically, nor would it help anyone.

  5. #5
    abitbroken
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    You know what --- don't go to your mom's house. Yes, i would be upset if I were in his shoes "going home to mother" usually means a separation. You need to work this out as a married couple. I agree with him - if you had insomnia for a year - bailing when the sister is coming is not cool, especially if she has planned this for months.

    I would a) ask husband if its possible to explain that you have been sick and have not been able to sleep much to prep her that you won't be at your best. And let if fall in the sister's hands whether she wants to visit now or another time, if she can even change her plans and cut it short by a day or two. But then again, what will your excuse be next time? b) let the sister come as planned and just do your best. Maybe ask the husband that he choose a day or two during the week for him to take her sightseeing to give you a chance to rest.

    I would cut out absolutely all caffeine and make sure your sleep hygiene is good - no smartphone when you can't sleep and all devices turned off 2 hours before bed.

  6. #6
    ballerinababe
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    You know what --- don't go to your mom's house. Yes, i would be upset if I were in his shoes "going home to mother" usually means a separation. You need to work this out as a married couple. I agree with him - if you had insomnia for a year - bailing when the sister is coming is not cool, especially if she has planned this for months.

    I would a) ask husband if its possible to explain that you have been sick and have not been able to sleep much to prep her that you won't be at your best. And let if fall in the sister's hands whether she wants to visit now or another time, if she can even change her plans and cut it short by a day or two. But then again, what will your excuse be next time? b) let the sister come as planned and just do your best. Maybe ask the husband that he choose a day or two during the week for him to take her sightseeing to give you a chance to rest.

    I would cut out absolutely all caffeine and make sure your sleep hygiene is good - no smartphone when you can't sleep and all devices turned off 2 hours before bed.
    Wow.

    You think I haven't tried the obvious like good sleep hygiene etc? I have good sleep hygiene, I don't even use my cellphone for anything beyond at work, and I've never been a caffeine drinker. Please. This is much more serious than that! !!!!!!!

    And staying with my mom for a week and a half does not indicate a separation, that's YOUR opinion, and a ridiculous one.

  7. #7
    ThatwasThen
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    I think you need to go back to your doctor and ask for a sleep test in an over-night facility. I sympathize with you but I can also empathize with your husband as I'm sure he doesn't want to be responsible for entertaining his sister alone nor would he want to have to have 100% responsibility for the baby for a whole week.

    Does your sister in law know that you aren't well? Perhaps if you stay at home, she can look after your baby for the most part with the help of your husband and hopefully you'd be able to get some sleep even if its during the day for a few hours.

    I really think you should be seeing a therapist as well as being observed in a sleep lab because you sound as if you're suffering from postpartum depression.

    I hope you can compromise here and find something that will satisfy both you and your husband. Good luck.

  8. #8
    ballerinababe
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatwasThen [Register to see the link]
    I think you need to go back to your doctor and ask for a sleep test in an over-night facility. I sympathize with you but I can also empathize with your husband as I'm sure he doesn't want to be responsible for entertaining his sister alone nor would he want to have to have 100% responsibility for the baby for a whole week.

    Does your sister in law know that you aren't well? Perhaps if you stay at home, she can look after your baby for the most part with the help of your husband and hopefully you'd be able to get some sleep even if its during the day for a few hours.

    I really think you should be seeing a therapist as well as being observed in a sleep lab because you sound as if you're suffering from postpartum depression.

    I hope you can compromise here and find something that will satisfy both you and your husband. Good luck.
    I've seen multiple doctors and I don't have post partum depression. I'm also a health care professional myself and know I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for that. I'm not sure how you jumped to that conclusion, but it is incorrect.

    I can't relax in my own house with a virtual stranger here. This will be a complete disaster.

    She knows I've had trouble sleeping but I'm sure doesn't understand what that entails. I can't believe peoples' responses on here.

  9. #9
    Hollyj
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    Your husband is incredibly selfish. You really need to instill stronger boundaries!

    This is so dangerous. You are lucky that you have not been hospitalized. If you don't take care of you, who will take care of your baby.

    Go to your mother's and try to get back on track.

    I would also look into more doctors. The sleep study is a good idea.

  10. #10
    ThatwasThen
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    Quote Originally Posted by ballerinababe [Register to see the link]
    I've seen multiple doctors and I don't have post partum depression. I'm also a health care professional myself and know I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for that. I'm not sure how you jumped to that conclusion, but it is incorrect.
    I think you should see a therapist to talk about whatever it is that has you unable to sleep whether that be Postpartum or not. You are in need of more then a medical checkup at this point. A hormonal imbalance is usually what causes PPD and you have already said you believe it is your hormones off that is causing your insomnia. See your doctor for a psychological referral and see if you can relax enough to unwind. You sound as tight as a drum in your responses that don't tell you what you want to hear... which of course, is that your husband is an insensitive arse and he should just let you go to your mother's without your baby.
    I guess we are all different but leaving my baby for a week would be the last thing I would want to do if a doctor didn't recommend a hospital stay and it couldn't be helped.

    I can't relax in my own house with a virtual stranger here.
    Why are you so uptight about such a thing. She is your sister in law and she's not going to do anything to make you not be able to relax. You said your child is in daycare anyway so it would just be at night that she would be helping out with the baby.
    This will be a complete disaster.
    Well, yes when you already have made up your mind that it will be. You are not open to anything other then what you want which is troublesome because you are married with a child and that means it's no longer all about you.
    See your doctor again and get to the bottom of why you're not sleeping with the help of a therapist and a sleep lab.

    She knows I've had trouble sleeping but I'm sure doesn't understand what that entails. I can't believe peoples' responses on here.
    . Well, without malice, I must say it's hard to understand your responses. You're not open to anything other then what you want to do.

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