This question is for GIVERS

Hi all. Have started dating a guy who is most certainly a giver (lucky me). It is probably my favorite thing about him, and turns out, a great match to me who always wanted to be the princess but was previously matched up with major takers.

I started feeling guilty that he was doing all the organizing, paying, planning, asking, complimenting, cooking etc, and I was kind of “dead weight” just showing up, VERY UNUSUAL for me, since my ex just took took took, so I started stepping it up on purpose. I asked him out, cooked for him, insisted to pay even for small things and went heavier on the compliments. I’m sensing that he’s pretty uncomfortable or at least bashful about someone giving to him. If I compliment him, he deflects it or says something like “you’re giving me a big head” or “don’t waste your time.” When I try to cook for him, he steps in as “assistant cook” & basically does it all & cleans too. If I’m really sweet, he creates some space to neutralize the sweetness almost, and comes back. I honestly feel like he feels pressure from affection but wants it too. It’s weird. Might also be some self esteem things? Because he belittles himself a lot. He gets super uncomfortable especially if I compliment his work.

Anyway. I’m not sure how to operate in this environment since my whole giving support and love and being the giver thing was what I was used for in the past. I’m ok doing nothing but that makes me feel useless. I have an instinct to love him & make him feel good but he seems to like it more if I bust his chops and do nothing??

Could be many things.

For me it sounds like a self esteem thing, as you said. He can't take compliments because he doesn't feel he is worth is and then he gives and gives because deep inside he believes he needs to please other in order to be liked.

But it's just my theory, I find it hard to make any conclusion based on a description only.

Did you have the chance to witness how he is with other people?

Yes I met his boss/best friend and he called him “humble” and “the hardest worker,” which is exactly consistent with what I’ve seen. The president of their company was at the party and I was like “go talk to her!” and he basically wouldn’t do it unless his boss/best friend took him over there because he didn’t want to come up on him. I find all this adorable about him by the way. I just don’t know how to deal because all my exes were the aggressive alpha, entitled and selfish types, and I know how to play to that dude (hint: ego).

I agree with the Panther on this one. I do think that he has some serious self esteem issues that he needs to deal with. His deflection of praise and unwillingness to accept you doing anything kinda proves the point that he needs to give to feel something for himself.

This is going to be a big change for you, if you are use to the Alpha types, as you describe it.

Why do you need to give back in turn? That seems like a game of trying to keep up with each other. He cooks, so I had better cook to show him I can be a giver too. Why not just cook together, and make it part of the fun?

Still feels like low self esteem - he doesn't feel worthy of going to "bother" a superior.

You can always try to boost his ego a bit, but if self esteem is really low, it won't suffice. As long as you feel fine around this behaviour, keep going.

This type of personality would not work for me (but that's me) so I'm sorry I can't give better advice here. :(

I guess I’m usually the one being him, giving to feel worthy, usually attracted to people who made me feel like I wasn’t :(

I’m totally ok letting him lead. It’s actually way more compatible to me. I’m just becoming aware of this from seeing all the patterns. He got soo uncomfortable for example when I made his bed (did it purely because he made mine). Gotta stop trying to match, like you said.

Maybe I’m worried that if I’m nice to him, the niceness will actually repel or scare him. It’s a weird psychology thing

A lot of people don't want flattery. It can be annoying. Perhaps he doesn't care for clingy women. There's no need to be a selfish "princess" but also no need to compete and smother. It sounds as though he's confident butyou need to be in control and smother as you were with past men.

Go with the flow and try not to operate around past men and learn about different types of people and how to interface with that.

I’m not sure how to operate in this environment since my whole giving support and love and being the giver thing was what I was used for in the past. I have an instinct to love him & make him feel good but he seems to like it more if I bust his chops and do nothing??

Best thing you can do is sit down and talk to him. Communication is key! Explain that you think you should support each other equally and that it's okay to take a load together. Perhaps it would be a good idea to assign jobs to help smooth things out?

Doesn't sound like he's a giver for the right reasons. It sounds like it's because he wants to be in control and not deal with you giving to him or compliments because it makes him feel uncomfortable and out of control. Also I don't think making all the plans makes one person the giver and the other the taker -depends on what else is going on. My husband takes the lead on all travel plans because he's better at it than I am. I do all of my son's packing and shopping/prepping for the trip, for example. Also since you are complimenting him to get a certain reaction it might come across as fake - and it sounds like you feel forced/fake doing it.

How about complimenting very specific and small things - so that he can manage those and not have to deflect.

Is this the guy who said you were demanding and have high expectations or was it said to you because of him?

Anyway, you've probably seen people speak about love languages. That may be it or because of what he's gone through he's distant, I personally don't like to be touched until I know you. We all have our personal quirks, yours seems to be analyzing the h*ll out of things to avoid heartache. If you really feel his personality is going to clash with yours, or he has too much baggage for you well you know what you have to do.

Me personally? I think it's too soon to assume it's a negative, it may just be he hasn't let you in yet or this is how he expresses himself.

You see the world through the filters of givers and takers? You may want to explore that a bit. Healthy relationships are built on mutual give and take. Someone giving too much, is just as unhealthy as someone taking too much. Maybe you shouldn't be swinging from one end of the bell curve to another.

Well I might have a very different viewpoint on this because I am a bit like your boyfriend when it comes to love languages.

I am heavily into acts of devotion as a way of expressing my love. The funny thing about expressing my love that way, I find it utterly pointless to receive love that way.

I don't want my wife trying to do extra things like cleaning or straightening our house to show her love for me. That is dumb, that is what I want to do for her and her doing it for me lessens what I do.

If she does those things because they are needed that is totally different. But doing them to make me happy is pointless.

I also don't want her to complement me. Words of affirmation to someone like me is really annoying. I see words as being cheap and actions being solid.

I am not saying this is the way it should be I am simply saying that is how I am. From the sound of it that might also be how your boyfriend is.

He might not be aware of his love language expression. He might not be totally mature enough to express how he feels in a way you understand.

But he sounds like he does have a lot of potential as a great partner for you if you can understand how you and he like to express your love.

I dislike receive affection with words, gifts, or servitude. It is all about quality time and physical touch with how I prefer to receive love.

How does he like to receive affection?

Well I might have a very different viewpoint on this because I am a bit like your boyfriend when it comes to love languages.

 

I am heavily into acts of devotion as a way of expressing my love. The funny thing about expressing my love that way, I find it utterly pointless to receive love that way.

 

I don't want my wife trying to do extra things like cleaning or straightening our house to show her love for me. That is dumb, that is what I want to do for her and her doing it for me lessens what I do.

 

If she does those things because they are needed that is totally different. But doing them to make me happy is pointless.

 

I also don't want her to complement me. Words of affirmation to someone like me is really annoying. I see words as being cheap and actions being solid.

 

I am not saying this is the way it should be I am simply saying that is how I am. From the sound of it that might also be how your boyfriend is.

 

He might not be aware of his love language expression. He might not be totally mature enough to express how he feels in a way you understand.

 

But he sounds like he does have a lot of potential as a great partner for you if you can understand how you and he like to express your love.

 

I dislike receive affection with words, gifts, or servitude. It is all about quality time and physical touch with how I prefer to receive love.

 

How does he like to receive affection?

But what about when your wife does something for you that you hate or strongly dislike doing? To show love?

But what about when your wife does something for you that you hate or strongly dislike doing? To show love?

If she does do something I dislike I typically don't do anything. I more of assume she is doing it for her reasons. I am not rude or get awkward or anything.

His response to her actions doesn't come off as a systemic problem with him. Just a lack of maturity on expressing himself.

What was his family life and upbringing like? Did he have a family member or parent who suffered with serious, chronic or mental illness? Or alcoholism/addiction?

Well honestly that is pretty uncommon, she knows my quirks pretty well.

 

If she does do something I dislike I typically don't do anything. I more of assume she is doing it for her reasons. I am not rude or get awkward or anything.

 

His response to her actions doesn't come off as a systemic problem with him. Just a lack of maturity on expressing himself.

Oh what I meant is that it shows love in my opinion for a partner to do an errand or chore that he/she knows the other partner doesn't like to do.

I have nothing against a propensity to "give," and I'll admit that acts of service are definitely my "love language," but I can't fathom dumping so much time and effort into a near stranger who's got their bearings straight when there are so many other people out there who could benefit much more from that kind of charity. Or, hey, if I wasn't feeling altruistic, I could put that money and effort into someone who I know I love and who's going to be in my life for a long time-- me. For the price of spoiling another full grown and capable adult who's little more than a blip in my life, I could buy the granite and cherry wood for the basement bar I've been meaning to build.

IMO, such a dynamic needlessly transactionalizes the courtship process. No doubt it works and seems to have a good track record, so work with whatever criteria fits for you, but, for me, dating means she and I gauging whether we want to invest in each other as partners and see if the logistics match up the the chemistry. And don't get me wrong, it's not that I catch myself about to do something nice for a woman I'd recently met and say, "Nope, too early." I simply have plenty going on in my life between work, friends, family, and hobbies where I'm in no position to give undue priority to such a newcomer and probably couldn't catch myself spoiling them even if I wanted to.

I won't say it applies to all men or even most, but with the concept of, frankly, compensating women for their time on a date being ever-decreasingly acculturated, I think we're less and less able to just chalk it up to a guy simply and reflexively being a "gentleman," and if we're talking a younger dude in his 20s or 30s, I'd honestly probably be quicker to associate it with either a lack of confidence in their own value without including payment or service, or, rather than giving out of a particularly generous nature, giving to maintain a higher level of control.

Again, nothing in the world wrong with wanting to be treated or wanting the guy to take the lead so long as you find that guy who fits that mold, which a lot of perfectly great guys do. Just understand that if you know the situation isn't really equitable, there's a good chance that will carry its own implications, particularly in this day and age. And if you are such a woman, I'd strongly encourage you to at least occasionally assert yourself as the planner, the person who pays, whatever. See how the guy behaves when he has to fall back on the merits of his personality rather than his deeds, or if he sees the woman he's with not only capable, but demonstrably willing to take care of herself. While there's no 100% filter, doing so is a good way to tell if a guy is genuinely giving rather than depositing.

Well I might have a very different viewpoint on this because I am a bit like your boyfriend when it comes to love languages.

 

I am heavily into acts of devotion as a way of expressing my love. The funny thing about expressing my love that way, I find it utterly pointless to receive love that way.

 

I don't want my wife trying to do extra things like cleaning or straightening our house to show her love for me. That is dumb, that is what I want to do for her and her doing it for me lessens what I do.

 

If she does those things because they are needed that is totally different. But doing them to make me happy is pointless.

 

I also don't want her to complement me. Words of affirmation to someone like me is really annoying. I see words as being cheap and actions being solid.

 

I am not saying this is the way it should be I am simply saying that is how I am. From the sound of it that might also be how your boyfriend is.

 

He might not be aware of his love language expression. He might not be totally mature enough to express how he feels in a way you understand.

 

But he sounds like he does have a lot of potential as a great partner for you if you can understand how you and he like to express your love.

 

I dislike receive affection with words, gifts, or servitude. It is all about quality time and physical touch with how I prefer to receive love.

 

How does he like to receive affection?

WOW. This is the most helpful reply I’ve ever received to a post. Thank you so much! You are his twin. He’s definitely a touch and quality time person. You just made me realize I’m making a mistake by trying to catch up to his acts of devotion by copying him. I’m trying to say “I like you too” and he’s probably getting embarrassed.

My love language is mostly verbal, acts of devotion and quality time. He’s not verbal enough for me but that’s ok. I need to read this Love Language book- so many people have recommended it!

I also think I’ve been thrown for a loop because he’s so distinctly different from everyone I’ve ever dated. Just an adjustment.

I know this situation well.

What you want to do is talk to him about it. Understanding is the key here for both of you.

I am very much like your bf and feel acts of service towards the people we care deeply for are important to us but we haven't learned how to accept acts of service from others since we have spent much of our lives doing for others and not ourselves.

Please do not just let him do everything because as much as he wants to do these things for you he will resent that you do nothing one day.

So what to do other than talking about it? It is pretty simple actually. Do things together. Plan dates together, cook together, clean up together, take turns paying and on and on. When you talk about this with him bring it up in a caring loving way but be factual. "I notice you really like giving with acts of service and I absolutely love that you do but I want to make sure there isn't an imbalance in our relationship" and take it from there.

Surprisingly enough he does like the compliments and wants to know you think he is handsome and is creative and all the other things you love about him but he just has a hard time with the light being shown on him so brightly. A good habit for you would to send him a card once in a while with a lovely hand written note inside expressing how you feel and how much you appreciate him.

He has some great traits but you just need to learn how to get used to a good guy. I have dated some women that just didn't know what to do with a guy like me as they felt like they didn't bring anything to the table in the relationship.

Be happy you found each other

Lost

PS PM me if you want to talk privately about this, I know this thing pretty well...

WOW. This is the most helpful reply I’ve ever received to a post. Thank you so much! You are his twin. He’s definitely a touch and quality time person. You just made me realize I’m making a mistake by trying to catch up to his acts of devotion by copying him. I’m trying to say “I like you too” and he’s probably getting embarrassed.

 

My love language is mostly verbal, acts of devotion and quality time. He’s not verbal enough for me but that’s ok. I need to read this Love Language book- so many people have recommended it!

 

I also think I’ve been thrown for a loop because he’s so distinctly different from everyone I’ve ever dated. Just an adjustment.

I see its dynamics at work in most relationships and most people don't even seem aware of it.

Acts of devotion as a love language is what I assumed by your use of "giver" because that is how my wife also describes it.

It sounds more like your other boyfriends were selfish and he might not be.

But a guy who expresses his love by talking and having a lot of great quality time together isn't any less of a "giver" that one who shows it by acts of devotion.

Just wanted to get the definition straight.

WOW. This is the most helpful reply I’ve ever received to a post. Thank you so much! You are his twin. He’s definitely a touch and quality time person. You just made me realize I’m making a mistake by trying to catch up to his acts of devotion by copying him. I’m trying to say “I like you too” and he’s probably getting embarrassed.

 

My love language is mostly verbal, acts of devotion and quality time. He’s not verbal enough for me but that’s ok. I need to read this Love Language book- so many people have recommended it!

 

I also think I’ve been thrown for a loop because he’s so distinctly different from everyone I’ve ever dated. Just an adjustment.

It's also about how comfortable you are interacting with him. Forget about "love languages" -keep it simple and basic. Do you enjoy hanging out with him. Do you feel at home when you're interacting? To me, if someone does something caring but not in the way I'm comfortable or used to it, as that person's partner I try to focus on his intentions not whether it was well-suited to me. Sure I can tell him alternatives but I'm also responsible for accepting thoughtful behavior even if it's not a precise match to what I am used to.

Hi all. Have started dating a guy who is most certainly a giver (lucky me). It is probably my favorite thing about him, and turns out, a great match to me who always wanted to be the princess but was previously matched up with major takers.

 

I started feeling guilty that he was doing all the organizing, paying, planning, asking, complimenting, cooking etc, and I was kind of “dead weight” just showing up, VERY UNUSUAL for me, since my ex just took took took, so I started stepping it up on purpose. I asked him out, cooked for him, insisted to pay even for small things and went heavier on the compliments. I’m sensing that he’s pretty uncomfortable or at least bashful about someone giving to him. If I compliment him, he deflects it or says something like “you’re giving me a big head” or “don’t waste your time.” When I try to cook for him, he steps in as “assistant cook” & basically does it all & cleans too. If I’m really sweet, he creates some space to neutralize the sweetness almost, and comes back. I honestly feel like he feels pressure from affection but wants it too. It’s weird. Might also be some self esteem things? Because he belittles himself a lot. He gets super uncomfortable especially if I compliment his work.

 

Anyway. IÂ’m not sure how to operate in this environment since my whole giving support and love and being the giver thing was what I was used for in the past. IÂ’m ok doing nothing but that makes me feel useless. I have an instinct to love him & make him feel good but he seems to like it more if I bust his chops and do nothing??

Sounds like you just need to find a balance. You are sensing some feedback from him. Now, respond. Maybe try easing up on the compliments--he doesn't seem to need them. Dial back the affection a bit. When you're cooking for him, let him help out. But if you want to make the meal, don't let him take over. This is the part where you are both figuring out what works for you. If you like him, try not to jump to conclusions about self-esteem issues. Sometimes a preference is simply a preference.

I think you should just sit back and enjoy being the princess. I'm sure you give in other ways so I wouldn't worry about it. In future, if he moans at some point "I always do the cooking" or whatever, then you can turn around and help him. But if things are smooth sailing, don't go rocking the boat.