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Thread: This question is for GIVERS

  1. #1
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    This question is for GIVERS

    Hi all. Have started dating a guy who is most certainly a giver (lucky me). It is probably my favorite thing about him, and turns out, a great match to me who always wanted to be the princess but was previously matched up with major takers.

    I started feeling guilty that he was doing all the organizing, paying, planning, asking, complimenting, cooking etc, and I was kind of “dead weight” just showing up, VERY UNUSUAL for me, since my ex just took took took, so I started stepping it up on purpose. I asked him out, cooked for him, insisted to pay even for small things and went heavier on the compliments. I’m sensing that he’s pretty uncomfortable or at least bashful about someone giving to him. If I compliment him, he deflects it or says something like “you’re giving me a big head” or “don’t waste your time.” When I try to cook for him, he steps in as “assistant cook” & basically does it all & cleans too. If I’m really sweet, he creates some space to neutralize the sweetness almost, and comes back. I honestly feel like he feels pressure from affection but wants it too. It’s weird. Might also be some self esteem things? Because he belittles himself a lot. He gets super uncomfortable especially if I compliment his work.

    Anyway. I’m not sure how to operate in this environment since my whole giving support and love and being the giver thing was what I was used for in the past. I’m ok doing nothing but that makes me feel useless. I have an instinct to love him & make him feel good but he seems to like it more if I bust his chops and do nothing??

  2. #2
    Gold Member panther's Avatar
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    Could be many things.
    For me it sounds like a self esteem thing, as you said. He can't take compliments because he doesn't feel he is worth is and then he gives and gives because deep inside he believes he needs to please other in order to be liked.
    But it's just my theory, I find it hard to make any conclusion based on a description only.

    Did you have the chance to witness how he is with other people?

  3. #3
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    Yes I met his boss/best friend and he called him “humble” and “the hardest worker,” which is exactly consistent with what I’ve seen. The president of their company was at the party and I was like “go talk to her!” and he basically wouldn’t do it unless his boss/best friend took him over there because he didn’t want to come up on him. I find all this adorable about him by the way. I just don’t know how to deal because all my exes were the aggressive alpha, entitled and selfish types, and I know how to play to that dude (hint: ego).

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    I agree with the Panther on this one. I do think that he has some serious self esteem issues that he needs to deal with. His deflection of praise and unwillingness to accept you doing anything kinda proves the point that he needs to give to feel something for himself.

    This is going to be a big change for you, if you are use to the Alpha types, as you describe it.

    Why do you need to give back in turn? That seems like a game of trying to keep up with each other. He cooks, so I had better cook to show him I can be a giver too. Why not just cook together, and make it part of the fun?

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  6. #5
    Gold Member panther's Avatar
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    Still feels like low self esteem - he doesn't feel worthy of going to "bother" a superior.

    You can always try to boost his ego a bit, but if self esteem is really low, it won't suffice. As long as you feel fine around this behaviour, keep going.

    This type of personality would not work for me (but that's me) so I'm sorry I can't give better advice here. :(

  7. #6
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    I guess I’m usually the one being him, giving to feel worthy, usually attracted to people who made me feel like I wasn’t :(
    I’m totally ok letting him lead. It’s actually way more compatible to me. I’m just becoming aware of this from seeing all the patterns. He got soo uncomfortable for example when I made his bed (did it purely because he made mine). Gotta stop trying to match, like you said.
    Maybe I’m worried that if I’m nice to him, the niceness will actually repel or scare him. It’s a weird psychology thing

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    A lot of people don't want flattery. It can be annoying. Perhaps he doesn't care for clingy women. There's no need to be a selfish "princess" but also no need to compete and smother. It sounds as though he's confident butyou need to be in control and smother as you were with past men.

    Go with the flow and try not to operate around past men and learn about different types of people and how to interface with that.
    Originally Posted by Tryingit
    I’m not sure how to operate in this environment since my whole giving support and love and being the giver thing was what I was used for in the past. I have an instinct to love him & make him feel good but he seems to like it more if I bust his chops and do nothing??

  9. #8

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    Best thing you can do is sit down and talk to him. Communication is key! Explain that you think you should support each other equally and that it's okay to take a load together. Perhaps it would be a good idea to assign jobs to help smooth things out?

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    Doesn't sound like he's a giver for the right reasons. It sounds like it's because he wants to be in control and not deal with you giving to him or compliments because it makes him feel uncomfortable and out of control. Also I don't think making all the plans makes one person the giver and the other the taker -depends on what else is going on. My husband takes the lead on all travel plans because he's better at it than I am. I do all of my son's packing and shopping/prepping for the trip, for example. Also since you are complimenting him to get a certain reaction it might come across as fake - and it sounds like you feel forced/fake doing it.

    How about complimenting very specific and small things - so that he can manage those and not have to deflect.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Is this the guy who said you were demanding and have high expectations or was it said to you because of him?

    Anyway, you've probably seen people speak about love languages. That may be it or because of what he's gone through he's distant, I personally don't like to be touched until I know you. We all have our personal quirks, yours seems to be analyzing the h*ll out of things to avoid heartache. If you really feel his personality is going to clash with yours, or he has too much baggage for you well you know what you have to do.

    Me personally? I think it's too soon to assume it's a negative, it may just be he hasn't let you in yet or this is how he expresses himself.

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