Ex emotionally cheated then left me for someone else - Advice/Healing Thread

Hi everyone! This is my first thread, and the purpose of which is to open up a line of discussion and questioning (free of bias and judgement) regarding relationships, as well as to vent about my own experiences! 😊

Three months ago, my ex left me for someone else. We dated for a year, and he had been very much besotted with me in the beginning. He emotionally cheated on me for about a month before breaking up with me. He had kept contact with her on Facebook, messaging and flirting with each other. At the time, both people were in relationships, which they broke off to be together. I officially found out I had been cheated on a few days after him leaving me. He had offered up lame, 2-dimensional excuses such as we wouldn't see each other due to work/college commitments (which had never been a problem), we were going down different path etc, which I immediately called as BS. Luckily for him though, I received an anonymous message (ouch!) through Facebook, from a mutual friend of theirs, saying that he had been cheating on me, and doing it for a while. (This was around the 17th of September). I was outraged, I couldn't believe it, my worst suspicions that my gut had been screaming at me was coming true, and they couldn't have even came from his lips! No! I had been shot in the face with a double whammy! My (then) boyfriend was leaving me, and it was for someone else! I had never expierienced such a nauseating, sickening shock in all my life, up until that point.

I had been very much blindsided by his sudden disinterest, despite things not going spectacularly for a while - we had suffered fights and arguments that had never been fully resolved, in retrospect there had been many red flags just before we broke up that I had just brushed aside (he had lied about going down home with his Flatmate, in order to visit his parents and get his "dad out of the house" , as well as actually messaging her in front of me. I had leaned across the sofa one time to show some affection then he had whipped his eyes up from his phone screen in start, irises wide as sacucers, all happening early sepetember) . His lack of affection - no more sitting next to me cuddled up on the couch, he seemed to be slowly pulling away from me - painful proverbial inch by proverbialinch. This was all happening at the same time he was talking to her on Facebook.

When I called him to confront about the message I had just received, it was like talking to a completely different person to the one, who had not just a few days before wept ont phone, agreeing that if we saw one another in person it would be different. (I would be lying if say I thought I received some mixed messages when initially having the break up discussions over call and text - we live in neighbouring towns 20 minutes apart by train). He had deliberately been very vague, saying only as much as I probed him to - he didn't want to discuss it, it was all about let's talk tomorrow, talk tomorrow, talk tomorrow blah blah blah like broken record. He had asked how did I honestly feel about us not being together, how he had found me "an amazing person last year, and even more amazing now" as I sat, pleading and proclaiming my love for him, actually THANKING him for being so honest with me. I was delusional.

The person that answered the phone had barked at me not to bother him while at college as I had phoned him twice, as well as sending a stream of insults from the shock and anger that coursed through me. The most he told me about them was that when he was at a party with her and their friends when he was back down in is hometown - a good 4 hours drive away from where I live- they kissed. I only found out about the extent of the emotional cheating when I invaded his Facebook, with his password which he had told me months before ( he didn't ever remember saying it in front of me 😈

A double standard came in to play, as the weekend after he dumped me, I had unexpectedly taken someone home, as a drunken rebound. When we were on the phone confronting how he cheated on me while we were together, I told him it was alright because I'd already seen someone, as to get back at him on the heat of the moment. I told him I had slept with someone, and he became furious - saying it was disgusting, that he would move flat as soon as possible because there were too many memories there, how he wouldn't meet me in person because it would make him feel sick, why would he want to meet me when I called his "friend" (new girl) a " dogs dinner", which I did out of scorn. He even made me try and apologise about her. He said he could "never look at my gran or mother again with out being like *ewwww* ". He was so f***ing cruel to me. The day I had to travel through with my mum, he was throwing a party with HER,, who travelled up from where she was originally from and CELEBRATING with all their collective pals. ON THE DAY I WAS COLLECTING ALL MY ING POSSESIONS.

I hacked into his Facebook a few days after getting stuff and read everything. Partially out of an insatiable curiosity and partially out of torture. I truly felt I was the keeper of the most valuable Skelton key. I read her telling him how it would be funny if she was the one to open the door and handing me my stuff, har har. It was honestly just disgusting, I hate the both of them so much. Luckily he has changed his password, so I don't have to read anything anymore. I'm glad I know though, and I'm glad I'm the one who tripped him up, he never expected me to find out near as much to extent I did. He's pathetic. It's crazy how two faced people can be. I learned from his messages that there were times he didn't even see me as a friend, that he thought I was , he just let himself sit and resent me, but act like everything was totally fine. He had looked at her profile for the very first time on the 29th of July and had periodically creeped her since then. He told me on the 27th of august how grateful and how lucky he felt that I was a part of his life. Lies upon lies upon facades. It sucks to know.

I loved him very much, and I still do. He was my first proper relationship, he taught me a lot. I accept my short comings in the relationship, I know I will learn and I will move on to something better. Sometimes it just hurts so much, the ache, the pain, the realisation that he simply doesn't want you anymore and someone else has preoccupied his interest. I know in my heart he once did love me very much, but shocked me how easily he left me someone else, I guess people grow, change and mature in different ways. We all deserve to be with someone who makes us happy, and that trick works for both sides of the coin. He is still with her now and I wish them the best, they are welcome to one another at this point.

I know this is a long ass post, but I would truly appreciate any advice on how I can handle things, or even just share your story! have a nice day everyone!!

I'm sorry this happened to you. I know it really sucks and hurts to be left by someone, even more being left for someone else.

Please stop the contact with him NOW. Block him on Facebook or wherever else you are connected on social media.

This type of double standard where he cheats on you but gets pissed if you meet someone else, usually comes from a manipulative person - aka: someone you shouldn't keep contact with EVER, even if at some point in the future he comes back chasing you.

The only thing you can do right now is really stop all contact and let time heal you. And if you do so, I promise that with time, it will start hurting less.

Stay strong and stick around the forums if that helps you.

Thank you for this! Reading that helped since it brought so much validation to previous points i made long ago in accusing him of being manipulative. Of course, the notion was denied in every possible manner. NC has been well and truly initiated and has not been broken in the 3 months, I was naturally devastated but have felt at no point should I contact him EVER, far too much pride, and with the establishment of NC I am beginning to truly acknowledge my self worth and take it seriously. Sowing the seeds of self love and all that good stuff. Do you think you could shed any light on him viewing my Instagram stories? He blocked me on snapchat, and I blocked him on Facebook (reversing the roles, when I was on his FB as a power play). He didn't actively use Instagram at all, he was not that kinda guy, he did t even have the app but an account he did t use, but I noticed at the end of November his name randomly popped up on my views list. It was total shock, since how unceremoniously he booted me out of his life, and how harrowingly I had walked away... We don't follow each other and never have, but I semi regularly check in on it, posting pics stories etc. I blocked him for 2 weeks, then out of curiosity unblocked, resigned in my head that it would be a complete one off, a few days later he was back watching my stories, 90% of the time after that incident his user would consistently pop up, anywhere from an hour to 6 after posting. It through me in a total spin, partially if felt good that he had looked me up but mostly it just felt hollow, lackless and it completely pissed me off the hypocrisy of his actions, plus I felt disappointed when he didn't see it, a mixed bag I know. So I've hid my story from him and that's how it's going to stay - for my piece of mind. I can't bear having to worry about having to censor myself. But it did make me wonder what the motivations where? Like I said I would never contact him but I did wonder..

Look, no contact means also not checking each others social media and seeing who viewed what. YOu need to block him on all these apps and disappear completely.

Maybe he knows that you will see he checked on you and is doing this on purpose to keep you around, like throwing you breadcrumbs. You really need to cut this type of person from your life.

Sorry this happened to you. Once someone cheats on you, you end it For Good. Then you block and delete them from everything and maintain strict no contact. Game playing and revenge one night stands hurt you more than him. It's time to move forward without self-defeating, self-destructive behaviors.

I have! 😅 F'real! Thank uuuuu for the advice 😊

I have! 😅 F'real! Thank uuuuu for the advice 😊

That's the way to go. :)

The rebound didn't come from a place of revenge, it was actually very unexpected, however at the time it did fit as useful artillery since it happened immediately before I found out he had been cheating and after he had left me :)

Don't take the cheating personal. Looks like he was just looking for the next thrill, high and chase. Sometimes when people operate under this unconscious stimulus, people tend to get hurt. I'm glad you're able to see it all for what it is and even though you may think you miss him, in time we realize we miss that same high they ignited in us.

He sounds like he has some serious woman-hater issues. It sounds like he strung you along while he looked for something "better" but better to these men is just the next fascination. He will tire of this new chick in due time and will be perpetually unsatisfied. (I have sadly dated too many of this type.) They make you feel inadequate by undermining everything you shared, with deceit and criticism. They put time and effort into making you believe they love you, and then there is no explanation for why this feeling suddenly disappears without any desire to work on it or try for change (like a normal man would want after claiming to love you). Unfortunately for you, when he did and said things that decent men do, he didn't mean any of it like they would, because he is shallow and immature. So instead of sticking around to work on what you have, he escapes reality by moving on to someone else. You go over it, and over it, in your mind, applying decent-people feelings and logic to it, and can never make sense of it. This leads you to want to check in on him online and such, because you are desperate for answers and healing, which he is not capable of rendering (he is only capable of giving you pain and suffering, NOT healing). If you are like me, you may find yourself focusing on the good times, in an unhealthy and disproportionate way, just to try to feel less used and abused by the whole thing. If you are like me, that may even lead you to communicate with him, but as others have said, that is a bad idea. Remember, he is only capable of giving you pain and suffering, NOT healing.

The answer to why this type did this to you is that THEY have problems. They don't want to commit; they don't want to give; they don't want to be vulnerable, not with you or anyone. If they wanted something real, they would not behave in any of the ways that they do. In hindsight there were red flags and you want to knock your head against the wall for being so stupid, but in fairness, these guys are also very good manipulators, and they prey on your feelings to twist your reality. BUT, you do need to become aware of what made you ignore the warning signs, and learn from this so it doesn't happen again. (Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me.) And don't fight with these people; just walk away. Don't stoop to their level, it just hurts you, and makes you feel worse.

As for the kind of woman who would go along with his bs, gross! She has issues of her own, and that joke about her giving you your stuff is one of the most vile things I have ever heard. She deserves him and vice versa. Seriously, take pride in the fact that you aren't the kind of bottom-dweller that she is, and that she did you a favor by cleaning up your leftovers. Good riddance!

Watch the Woody Allen movie "Deconstructing Harry" (1997), it will make you feel better, I promise. It's about a man who chronically cheats on every woman he is ever with, because once he "gets" someone, he can't help but fall out of love with her and want someone new. He is completely shallow and self-absorbed, and all of the women are better off without him. Also, his lies and bs are so infuriating that he turns some of them into raving banshees (understandably), and you may relate if this guy affected you in kind (this happened to me for sure). To me, it was helpful to see that men like this just create misery all around them, and everyone gets dragged down, no matter who they are, so it's best to get out! It also may be satisfying to see what happens down the road for this type, and how they end up lonely in life.

Hey thank you for your reply I could never say he had woman related hate issues, though sadly there are those with that sad, distorted mindset, which I'm sorry if you've ever had to deal with, I would say a lot of what you said was spot on! Particularly at the end of our relationship! It went from him saying it felt sick us not being together to banishing me out of his life to pursue his new interest. I know based off that alone I'm too good for him. He was shallow, immature and selfish but we are both young, and we will both go on to better things, I don't want to waste any time of nursing anymore fixation because, like you, I've been there and it's horrible, toxic and and creates more problems than solutions . NC Is working and I'm beginnning to feel better, I know I can do this, again thank you for your understanding and I wish you the best! ❤️

He sounds like he has some serious woman-hater issues. It sounds like he strung you along while he looked for something "better" but better to these men is just the next fascination. He will tire of this new chick in due time and will be perpetually unsatisfied. (I have sadly dated too many of this type.) They make you feel inadequate by undermining everything you shared, with deceit and criticism. They put time and effort into making you believe they love you, and then there is no explanation for why this feeling suddenly disappears without any desire to work on it or try for change (like a normal man would want after claiming to love you). Unfortunately for you, when he did and said things that decent men do, he didn't mean any of it like they would, because he is shallow and immature. So instead of sticking around to work on what you have, he escapes reality by moving on to someone else. You go over it, and over it, in your mind, applying decent-people feelings and logic to it, and can never make sense of it. This leads you to want to check in on him online and such, because you are desperate for answers and healing, which he is not capable of rendering (he is only capable of giving you pain and suffering, NOT healing). If you are like me, you may find yourself focusing on the good times, in an unhealthy and disproportionate way, just to try to feel less used and abused by the whole thing. If you are like me, that may even lead you to communicate with him, but as others have said, that is a bad idea. Remember, he is only capable of giving you pain and suffering, NOT healing.

 

The answer to why this type did this to you is that THEY have problems. They don't want to commit; they don't want to give; they don't want to be vulnerable, not with you or anyone. If they wanted something real, they would not behave in any of the ways that they do. In hindsight there were red flags and you want to knock your head against the wall for being so stupid, but in fairness, these guys are also very good manipulators, and they prey on your feelings to twist your reality. BUT, you do need to become aware of what made you ignore the warning signs, and learn from this so it doesn't happen again. (Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me.) And don't fight with these people; just walk away. Don't stoop to their level, it just hurts you, and makes you feel worse.

I wish somebody had told me those thing back then when a similar story happened to me. The whole story so much reminds me of my own, it's just incredible. Guys like that put all the blame on you, then still say they care and even still love you as person but don't want to work on any issues because it just didn't work that's all. Then you have that intuition and later catch them on doing smth behind your back and they deny and make you believe that's it's not what you think at all etc until you find out later that they've been having an emotional/ sexual affair all that time and basically dumped you for that person and they're together now. Although if to assume that it was emotional affair that led to the break-up and not wanting to fix the issues it doesn't make me feel any better. One day a guy loves you and another day there's a problem and he wants to get rid of you to jump in the other relationship. What kind of love is that at all.

Hey thank you for your reply I could never say he had woman related hate issues, though sadly there are those with that sad, distorted mindset, which I'm sorry if you've ever had to deal with, I would say a lot of what you said was spot on! Particularly at the end of our relationship! It went from him saying it felt sick us not being together to banishing me out of his life to pursue his new interest. I know based off that alone I'm too good for him. He was shallow, immature and selfish but we are both young, and we will both go on to better things, I don't want to waste any time of nursing anymore fixation because, like you, I've been there and it's horrible, toxic and and creates more problems than solutions . NC Is working and I'm beginnning to feel better, I know I can do this, again thank you for your understanding and I wish you the best! ❤️

I am so sorry and its all i can say....i know at the end it will be alright

He sounds like he has some serious woman-hater issues. It sounds like he strung you along while he looked for something "better" but better to these men is just the next fascination. He will tire of this new chick in due time and will be perpetually unsatisfied. (I have sadly dated too many of this type.) They make you feel inadequate by undermining everything you shared, with deceit and criticism. They put time and effort into making you believe they love you, and then there is no explanation for why this feeling suddenly disappears without any desire to work on it or try for change (like a normal man would want after claiming to love you). Unfortunately for you, when he did and said things that decent men do, he didn't mean any of it like they would, because he is shallow and immature. So instead of sticking around to work on what you have, he escapes reality by moving on to someone else. You go over it, and over it, in your mind, applying decent-people feelings and logic to it, and can never make sense of it. This leads you to want to check in on him online and such, because you are desperate for answers and healing, which he is not capable of rendering (he is only capable of giving you pain and suffering, NOT healing). If you are like me, you may find yourself focusing on the good times, in an unhealthy and disproportionate way, just to try to feel less used and abused by the whole thing. If you are like me, that may even lead you to communicate with him, but as others have said, that is a bad idea. Remember, he is only capable of giving you pain and suffering, NOT healing.

 

The answer to why this type did this to you is that THEY have problems. They don't want to commit; they don't want to give; they don't want to be vulnerable, not with you or anyone. If they wanted something real, they would not behave in any of the ways that they do. In hindsight there were red flags and you want to knock your head against the wall for being so stupid, but in fairness, these guys are also very good manipulators, and they prey on your feelings to twist your reality. BUT, you do need to become aware of what made you ignore the warning signs, and learn from this so it doesn't happen again. (Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me.) And don't fight with these people; just walk away. Don't stoop to their level, it just hurts you, and makes you feel worse.

 

.

Wow this is well put. It describes what I am going through these past 6 weeks. Only thing is I am still searching for red flags and I am not finding them. My ex just hid things so well and his comment at the end was "I know I should have told you there were issues instead of just hitting you with this but it's too late now." Talking about marriage and soulmates and how he knew I was the one he was meant to be with a week before breaking it off. Telling me this while emotionally cheating on me with some girl knowing he was going to break up with me. Blaming me for so many untrue things that made zero sense to me. It is starting to. I feel so used it is unreal. I have no desire to contact him fortunately and he blocked me on social media. He didn't bother to realize there are so many mutual friends that things were bound to get back to me. Not to mention his new girlfriend used to work at my work so talk about humiliation for me on a whole other level. And even through all this, I still miss him. I miss what I thought we had built. Our entire families were co-mingled as one and our daughters called each other sisters. I miss his family. I miss his daughter. All for what? He threw away so much. I won't get into the long story of my entire relationship with him. But it is over. And I can't go back to him knowing he is cheater and an overlapper. But the pain is eating me up. :(