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Thread: Scared to commit to a girl because of my insecurities

  1. #1
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    Scared to commit to a girl because of my insecurities

    I have been going out now with my girlfriend for 11 months now.
    It's has been going great and we get along very well. However, over the Xmas holiday I went home to find my best friend and his girlfriend recently broke up after 2 years dating because he was insecure about her past and that he couldn't deal with her social life with other guys.

    This made me think about mine. I went meet my girlfriends family for the first time, they are French and because of our lack of speaking to each other I spent my time waiting for a translation.
    This made me contemplate if I can commit to this. I am learning French by the way.

    Then came New Year's with her friends and truth and dare came up. Where she admitted how many sexual relationships she has had.
    Which is more than what I thought and more than me which made me insecure about how I viewed sex in my past.

    My girlfriend has had 11 sexual partners and me 4, well 9 but my penis didn't work for 5. I have been insecure about my sex life as they were drunk one night stands because of poor sex on my part making me too scared to ask out the girl. And I have suffered from erectile dysfunction since my first girlfriend at 17.

    So my girlfriend, I am the first guy she said 'I love you' too and she has never been in a relationship over 3 months.
    She is confident socially and sexually which I am not.
    Before she dated me (just over a month) she had a sexual relationship with a guy for a few weeks where as I was on an on and off relationship with a girl who didn't want to commit to sex yet because she was insecure about my sex life.

    How stupid am I being, thinking of breaking up with this girl because of my own insecurities about sex. I am 26 and she is 23, we are young and I love her but I am scared to settle as the guy I am now.

    I don't want one night stands but now that I am confident sexually, maybe I can get back to dating and the next girl I won't feel intimidated by.

    Sorry for the long post but context is important and a helpful response would be great

  2. #2
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    You should break up with her. Save both you guys from being miserable.

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    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    In summary

    I have a great thing going: me, and this awesome woman whom I like very much.

    The trouble is, I donít like myself as much as I like her.

    Proposed solution:
    Dump her, so I can be alone with me? Or, maybe find a gf I like less than my current gf, so that in comparison to her, I will feel better about myself - and then be stuck with two people I donít like so much - myself AND my gf?

    OP
    Does this make sense to you? No, of course not. But we all make similar choices all the time, because we tend to match well with people who feel about themselves in ways that are similar to how we feel about ourselves.


    The better path? Accept yourself, as is, imperfect by definition (unless perhaps are you a holy being?). Accept. That is everything.

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    I find it quite odd how people view physical intimacy aka sex as a sort of a competition; simply put, it is completely irrational to think that someone is better than you in any way shape or form just because they had more sexual experiences in their lives; once you deconstruct the logic of your insecurities they start to fade away and you begin to gradually think less about them, which should basically be your aim, also you should be completely open and honest with your partner about your insecurities and your concerns regarding the physical relationship between the two of you; this is a very critical thing and she needs to be completely aware of it and you need to be absolutely clear and honest with her about it or your relationship is definitely going to fail in a way I personally imagine to be utterly excruciating. The other part about her family being French is a completely irrational subject of concern as well, and you don't have to learn french for that sole purpose by the way, as a matter of fact, if you're uncomfortable with these kind of family meetings due to linguistic barriers, just try to, as nicely as possible, ask your girlfriend to exempt you from them whenever possible.

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  6. #5
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    Make sure in your Craigslist ad for your next girlfriend you make sure to list that she should have no more than 4 sexual partners. I'm sure you'll get a lot of women responding to your ad. Also you can buy some NO booster supplements in drug stores that acts a little like Viagra in the exercise nutrition department.

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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Make sure in your Craigslist ad for your next girlfriend you make sure to list that she should have no more than 4 sexual partners. I'm sure you'll get a lot of women responding to your ad. Also you can buy some NO booster supplements in drug stores that acts a little like Viagra in the exercise nutrition department.
    Thanks, I'm being stupid aren't I. I should be proud of where I have got myself and not compare me with others.

    I'm going to work on myself, enjoy the time I have with my girlfriend, travel around the world with her and step-up in my career. That girl in my twenties I had a great time with and travelled and experienced the world with sounds a lot better than that girl I let go because I wanted more one-night stands so I would have a higher count than my wife. Life hey?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mws92
    Thanks, I'm being stupid aren't I. I should be proud of where I have got myself and not compare me with others.

    I'm going to work on myself, enjoy the time I have with my girlfriend, travel around the world with her and step-up in my career. That girl in my twenties I had a great time with and travelled and experienced the world with sounds a lot better than that girl I let go because I wanted more one-night stands so I would have a higher count than my wife. Life hey?
    You got it. Keep what you have got, because its good! And support it. Keep your mouth shut unless you are saying something constructive. If you find yourself thinking thoughts that would sabotage your confidence, talk to yourself that you are worthy. Remind yourself how far you've come and where you are going. Go there.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If she's not right for you for cultural reason, etc. end it.You don't sound interested in continuing.
    Originally Posted by mws92
    I don't want one night stands but now that I am confident sexually, maybe I can get back to dating and the next girl I won't feel intimidated by.

  10. #9
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    However, over the Xmas holiday I went home to find my best friend and his girlfriend recently broke up after 2 years dating because he was insecure about her past and that he couldn't deal with her social life with other guys.
    What ON EARTH has this got to do with your own relationship??? Or do you think that because he broke up with a girlfriend of two years standing because he was insecure and thought it would be a good idea to sabotage his own relationship, then you really ought to do likewise?

    Reading your post, unless I'm mistaken, you're saying that you should dump this lovely, confident, attractive girl of yours who has told you she loves you (having never said this to anyone else)? Because you'd be happier with someone less attractive? Who has fewer notches on the bedpost?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    OP

    Decades ago I had an overwhelming fear of abandonment. I did not know this. I married someone who said the right things and didn't challenge me at all. "Nice" was all I could find as a descriptor.

    In fact, my skills exceeded his and still do in a variety of categories, including several that are my priorities, and most importantly, in his ability to own and improve upon himself.

    Of course we are now long and well divorced. My question to myself then was Does my man have to be so smart? If he is nice, is that enough?

    No, its not enough.

    OP, If you lived in a vacuum, how would you guide yourself forward? What would your benchmarks be with which to measure progress and assess whether you need additional support?

    Please address this question so that you are no longer interested in benchmarking yourself against others.

    Question: Do you believe you are a clone? Or a human? If the latter, then you know there is only one of you. Comparisons never tell the whole story.

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