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Lost my mind and my life, please help, just looking for some hope


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In late 2014 for the first time in my life I became sick. Diagnosed with breast cancer, I fought however to get through it with the help of a supportive employer, I got through. That's the good side of this story. Never could I have imagined what would happen next.

 

My reward at the end of the cancer treatment, after being given the medical all clear again, I went through a stringent interview process, and having passed I was offered a prestigious promotion, something we all dreamed of, and for the first time in a long time I felt I was on the verge of the best most exciting oppourtunity ever. I had a key position with one of the best employers in the industry, at a great salary. We had a good Nanny and for the new position found a great driver for the commute and shift work it was all perfect in my life.

 

I was starting work April 2016, around 9 months after completing chemo and major surgery (bilateral mastectomy).

 

In a short space of a few months, a series of unfortunate events had me from on top of the world to a complete mental breakdown, and I was hospitalised for psychiatric reasons, where I was locked up, refused counselling, drugged with drugs that made me feel very sick, and they insisted I take the drugs no one listens as I was "sick", and insisted that I was bipolar.

 

The treatment was the worst experience ever. The drugs made me feel like I did on chemo.

 

This is incredibly hard for me to say, as I refused to believe it for some time, and now I still am convinced that the completely out of character behaviour had been a result of post-chemo, hormones (early menopause), and excessive stress/workload too soon after recovery from the cancer, rather than bipolar.

 

However, whatever the cause, I had lost control, and subsequently gone from on top of the world literally, to loosing everything, and my own reactions to events were a big part of the cause, no denying. To make matters worse, the diagnosis and the fall out meant I will likely never work in my chosen profession again.

 

I had loved my job so much, and I had worked very hard to get where I was, I was respected, and I had even written many books in my field of expertise, it was my life. Now it was all gone.

 

Here now in early 2018 I am still struggling to get over the loss of my life. I need to be strong again for my family, but I do not know how. I have been in a spiral since the events of April-June 2016, a situation I never thought I would never be in, since I planned carefully, worked hard, and managed my life well.

 

Since then everything I've tried has failed.

 

The investment plans I had set up for us, are also mostly in tatters adding financial stress to the workload and it all seems too much to cope with, and I have no idea what to do, I can't even write my mind is too cluttered.

 

I feel like a failure of a parent, as I am not the role model I used to be for my kids, nor am I giving them the life I planned to give them. I feel like I can't even help them with the simple lessons in life.

 

I am desparately reaching out to those of you out there that may have experienced similar things to try to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I don't know what I am hoping to hear but perhaps someone has that critical peice of advice that allows me to see things straight again.

 

Am I really sick (bipolar) or was it the result of life circumstances/drugs/hormones causing a temporary psychosis? If I am really sick what should I do?

All the professionals I have seen to date have not helped, just made matters worse. drugs also made things worse, I personally don't believe in pschotic drugs.

 

How does one deal with such catastropic failure?

 

How does one pick yourself up, after dealing with a loss of something one loved so much?

 

How can I focus on hope and recovery?

 

How do I rebuild my life and make things better for my kids, they've already sufered so much, how can I help make it better now?

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OK. Your theory about post-chemo depression (basically PTSD) has some merit. What happened to get you locked up in a psycho ward? What were you doing? What drugs are you taking now? What drugs were you taking then? How do you feel now? Why are your investments in a mess? What did you invest in? I can give you some advice if you let me know.

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OK. Your theory about post-chemo depression (basically PTSD) has some merit. What happened to get you locked up in a psycho ward? What were you doing? What drugs are you taking now? What drugs were you taking then? How do you feel now? Why are your investments in a mess? What did you invest in? I can give you some advice if you let me know.

 

I was exhibiting manic behaviour. I don't believe I needed to be locked up, the doctor advised I needed to be locked up for observation, but on review my behaviour was off the wall, out of control, I was not aware of my actions half the time. Not dangerous or anything, just decisions out of control. A close friend in the industry said to me "no one needs to be locked up unless they are welding an axe or something", I needed medical treatment sure, rest and a mind reset. I also read how hard it is to get people committed but in this country it was seemingly very easy, it was just the treatment recommended at the time by the psychiatrist and company GP, and once in it was near impossible to get out 3 weeks of hell and I felt worse.

 

I'm not taking drugs now, I feel fine-ish, just circumstancial depression, feeling down from the things that happened. I just never want it to happen again. And I need to get back on track.

 

I invested in property, I always believed it was sound, but some out of tenants, one with an unpaying tenant I can't evict, none saleable.

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OK. There are a ton of Web pages you can Google that describe traumatic aftereffects of both the chemo and just simply surviving cancer. Here are just three:

 

https://www.cancercare.org/questions/22

 

http://www.dana-farber.org/for-patients-and-families/for-survivors/caring-for-yourself-after-cancer/your-emotions-after-treatment/

 

https://www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2016/02/depression-invisible-cancer-side-effect.html

 

Basically in the first link, a husband's entire personality changed after cancer treatment. The other two talk about the depression that can hit after surviving cancer. Also people are advised not to get too stressed after cancer for obvious reasons. I'm sorry you were treated the way you were. The medical industry can bulldoze over people and entrap you into its web of drugs and treatments. You should have been given counseling during and after cancer treatment to prepare you.

 

It's good that you're free of drugs although a little Zoloft or another antidepressant might help. In any event, try all the non-drug treatments such as long, daily walks in the country, exercise, doing pleasurable things like going to events and such, going out with friends, etc. You've got to get out of the house and go where there are people and places you enjoy. You can Google material about dealing with depression. If you can clear your head, the rest will follow. Since you've written books in the past, you can write a book about your cancer treatment and how you were treated afterwards. It will be good therapy to get you going again. And if you can straighten things out, you might be able to get into another career and rebuild your life.

 

Your real estate investment still has some value, you're just not able to tap it. I understand how difficult it is to get a squatter out, particularly in the UK and in the US. You should keep trying. The pieces are there. You just have to find a way to assemble everything together again.

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Thank-you DanZee, I think I totally underestimated the effect of the cancer treatment and early menopause it brought on. The episode was so totally out of character.

And yes the trouble with medical especially psychiatric is there is a box they want to put people in based on symptoms. I found the psychologists totally different, they wanted to understand cause and find patient centred solutions, but psychiatry just wanted to drug, and if the patient complained about the drugs it was irrelevant since they were mentally imparied.

 

I will persue all these drug free options, I have been googling this constantly this is how I ended up here.

 

I wish I could find an angle to write about this, but right now I cannot see it, nor can I focus on any writing very well, I hardly can do any of the things I used to enjoy and do well.

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Oh my heart goes out to you lost... All of the drugs they give over the extended period of time change the chemistry of the brain. Not to mention how traumatic it is to have to go through everything you went through! A very dear friend of mine went through this last year, unfortunately he didn't make it, but I remember that his personality changed... at times quite drastically... and during the treatment, the chemo, opiates and other things he was on, as well as the pain he was in, made him erratic and unstable, whereas before he was one of the sweetest, calmest and most peaceful men had ever met.

 

It sounds like you might have PTSD. I have experienced this myself, and have a number of friends that have as well (it's a long story), and the reality is that it can be very difficult to overcome but it's possible with the right treatment and commitment to working through it. In my case, I was lucky enough not to need medication, but I do have to work at it daily, and while it has gotten much easier I still have moments where the trauma can be triggered again. There are some new therapies for PTSD that people are finding great success with, such as EMDR, Mindfulness Meditation (there is a great book called Full Catastrophe Living by John Kabat-Zinn), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have found the most success with mindfulness meditation, and with writing about my experiences and sharing my feelings with a trusted professional and/or friend.

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I don't think I deserve sympathy just because of the cancer, I know some of the things I did during my unravelling from April 2016 through to today were terrible.

 

I've been told now that I need professional help, but the thing about all the professional help I had to date, was all pretty terrible. I have a large distrust of medical professionals, even when I had breast cancer symptoms I saw 4 OB/GYNs before I had to ask myself for a scan, not one professional picked up classic symptoms. A warning for others to keep getting checked! Psychiatry is worse since it is not so straight forward.

 

I don't know what to do but talking about it here sure feels like it helps.

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